A/N: Okay, this was definitely fun to write. I just needed to take a break from writing serious stuff. This is pure fluff and silliness, albeit funny fluff and silliness.

-Includes a brief cameo of Captain Ramen at the beginning!-

Title: Sasuke's Affair

Summary: Sakura has a dream, Sasuke tries to diffuse the situation, and Ami the homewrecker materializes. "…if you ever so much as look at her again, I promise you'll be in more pieces than Humpty Dumpty. And believe me; neither the king's horses nor the king's men will ever be able to put you back together again."

Rating: T

Pairings: SasuSaku

Warnings/Notes: I tried to keep Sasuke in character, but I have no idea if I succeeded. You make the judgment call.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to its rightful owners. Captain Ramen is my own creation.

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'It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a flying fish! It's...Captain Ramennnnn! Lalalala, lalalala...'

The first verse of the Captain Ramen theme song attacked my ears. I sat up, fully alert. There was nothing like your most hated tune to successfully wake you up in the morning.

"Sasuke…"

My head whipped around in surprise; Sakura was almost never up earlier before me. She was a night owl, plain and simple. "Hn?"

"Who's Ami?" Her voice was identical to that of a ramen-deprived, very angry Naruto. Uh-oh.

Years and years of evolution have given married guys a kind of sixth sense that tells them when to be absolutely truthful and unreserved—at threat of impending doom. This was one of those times.

"I don't know an Ami, Sakura." I patiently explained.

"Obviously." Sakura paused to violently slam her hand over the alarm button, silencing the irritating chirp of the Captain Ramen song. I winced as wisps of smoke floated from the obliterated alarm clock. I hated that abominable clock, but not that much. "Ugh, this is so stupid. I had this dream last night where you left me and the kids and ran off with an Ami."

"Sakura…"

"I've been awake for the past three hours getting madder and madder and madder." It was then that I noticed the large hole in the plaster of the wall beside me. I mentally made a note to get that fixed.

"Sakura, I promise I won't run off with anybody. Not last night and not any other night, and certainly not with an Ami." There, that should satisfy her.

Instead, she threw her pillows across the room with significantly more force than the circumstances required and got out of bed. A wave of feathers rained over us like rainbow confetti at a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I tried again. "It was just a dream."

Bad mistake. She spared me a glare, the shower door banged shut, and I drifted back into semi-unconsciousness, completely worn out by the ridiculousness of this whole conversation…only for a wet towel to smack me square in the face moments later.

"Oh, sorry, Sasuke, I was aiming for the hamper."

I stared pointedly at the hamper, halfway across the room. She didn't notice or—I suspected—didn't care.

"Anyways, you and Ami were living together in a huge new mansion you constructed on the Uchiha compound, right next to our house, and she painted it the perfect shade of yellow and planted perfect little daisies around a perfect blue pond filled with perfect koi fish."

"Don't be silly," I tried for a soothing tone. "One Uchiha manor is enough. And you know I don't care about flowers and fish and all that stuff."

"Ami's an ANBU Commander," Sakura went on as if she were talking to a brick wall. "Renowned across all the hidden villages. She inherited a lot of money from her oh-so-prominent clan, so she's filthy rich. Or don't you realize that either? Oh, of course. Just a dream."

"I know dreams can seem pretty realistic, Sakura. But this is getting a bit…"

From the bathroom came the distinctive sound of toiletries being destroyed.

"You know what really got to me?" Without waiting for a reply, she continued her angry ranting. "The kids. They went to visit one weekend, and you know what Ami did? She made cute little dinosaur pancakes, since of course, she knows how much they love dinosaurs. The children talked about those for days. 'Look mommy, Ami made us T-Rex pancakes! Why can't you do that?'"

"Dinosaur pancakes? Huh, you could probably make those."

Sakura just growled. "Argh! This is so dumb. How can anybody get so upset over a stupid dream about your husband running off with a famous ANBU Commander who has time to throw shuriken at trees with the kids and can play the Captain Ramen theme song on a piano and knows all the verses by heart and shows your son how to use his Sharingan and teaches your daughter basic medical jutsu?"

"Sakura, listen to me. I would never get together with another woman, much less an ANBU Commander. They're egotistical workaholics who care about nothing—I should know, I used to be one."

"Ami was different." Whoosh. My toothbrush flew across the room. Whoosh. The toothpaste followed. "She 'works among the orphaned civilians' in her free-time. Oh, here's that special explosive kunai you've been searching for. Oops, are you alright?"

The wall behind me gave way with a boom as a kunai riddled with small explosives narrowly avoided beheading me. How the kids were sleeping through all this, I had no idea.

"The five kages presented her with some award for her 'work.' I saw it on TV. In my dream. There she was with those cheekbones and long auburn hair and perky boobs and glittering eyes. 'Others deserve this far more than I do, sir! I only do my job!' I just about threw up." Shards of shattered glass tinkled against the bathroom's linoleum floor.

I wondered how much the repairs would cost.

"Well, Ami sure seems busy." The best course of action at this point seemed to be to play along. "She wouldn't have much time left over for anyone else, much less me."

Whoosh. There went my razor. I supposed I could go without shaving for a day or two.

Shortly following my now-smashed-against-the-wall razor was a bottle of lotion that flew at me faster than a bottle of lotion should be able to fly. I swear a short burst of flames was trailing the clear plastic bottle as it crashed into the wall at mach-speed, exploding into about a thousand small pieces. If Sakura ever got tired of being the Head Doctor/Surgeon at Konoha Hospital, she could really consider a career as a major-league pitcher.

"Oh, not at all. The kids told me how she'd spend hours rubbing your shoulders as you filed mission reports and sometimes she'd sit next to you on the soft velvety red loveseat—handpicked by her at an expensive auction house, of course—and stare at you, laughing at every stupid little thing you said…Your new watch fell into the sink. Sorry."

Darn. I liked that watch, too.

"You might be being a little hard on, um, Ami. She sounds like a pretty nice person who's only trying to do her best."

Sakura's eyes widened and she grimaced, her mouth forming a scowl. "She's a vicious little home wrecker, that's what she is. And if you ever so much as look at her again, I promise that you'll be in more pieces than Humpty Dumpty. And believe me; neither the king's horses nor the king's men will ever be able to put you back together again."

I wasn't about to give her the benefit of doubt.

Later that day, I sent flowers and chocolates to the hospital during her lunch break.

A/N: How was it? Crazy? Random? Totally crack? Or all of the above? c:

School starts soon and I won't be able to write anymore for, like, ten months, so I'm cramming together as many plot-bunnies as I can in my stories.

Please review!

Thank you for reading!

~HauntedMoonlight~