(The ALW Phantom and the David Staller Phantom are by the underground lake arguing)
ALW: you STOLE my look! the half mask is MY thing!
DS: I did not, ya big crybaby! And even if you did have the mask before, it looks better on me!
ALW: However, I am a better Phantom than you!
DS: In your dreams! I have divine inspiration! My music burns!
ALW: Your music?! It SUCKS! You had maybe ONE good song in your whole SHOW!
DS: You obviously don't understand genious!
ALW: You are so full of yourself! Thinking you're all that!
DS: Uninspired twit!
ALW: Braggart!
DS: Moron!
ALW: Look...this isn't getting us ANYWHERE. We need a third party to decide who's the better Phantom.
DS: Why don't we get Erique?
ALW: Nope bias. He thinks just because Claude Rains played him that he's SO special!
DS: You're right. Say! What about one of those looney phans?
ALW: Yes! They instantly make goo-goo eyes over anything in a mask and cape! So they won't run away screaming, and they won't unduely favour one over the other!
DS: Yes, my SUPIOROR INTELLECT has once again saved the day.
ALW: Oh, shove it!....Hey, if you're such a genious, how are we going to GET a phan?
DS: oh ye of little faith! You should know that the REALLY crazy ones always find their way down here eventually. No matter how good Opera security is!
ALW: There's one now!!
(A teen aged female phan is seen sneaking past with her hand at the level of her eyes, natrually she has a cloak and a Phantom t-shirt on)
DS/ALW: Hey you there!
Phan: (jumping about 5 feet) Yipe! Oh! Erik? (walks over to the Phantoms) TWO Eriks!? (beaming widly)
(the two Phantoms are bickering madly about who is better. Finally DS stops and addresses the phan)
DS: We have a little dispute that we'd like you to settle for us.
ALW: Would you be so kind as to tell us who is the better Phantom?
Phan: I have to CHOOSE!?
DS/ALW: yes!
Phan: (thinking) Wait a minute...Isn't Erik supposed to have a black full face mask?
ALW: Oh God! She's a purist phan!
DS: I like purists!
ALW: You would!
DS: Go kiss a Prima Donna!
ALW: Haunt a community theatre!
(At that moment who should arrive but the Lon Chaney version of Erik)
LC: What are you two young whipper snappers arguing about now?!
(Phan rushes to hug LC)
Phan: YAAAY! Three Phantoms!
LC: (carefully trying to disentangle himself from the frenzied phan) Affectionate child, isn't she?
ALW: Hey! where's my hug?
DS: Yes! How come he gets attention and we're left in the cold?
LC: Obviously the girl understands about CLASSICS!
Phan: Aww...I didn't mean to overlook you guys! (hugs them both) But you were fighting, and I make it a point never to interrupt Phantom's when they're dueling....It's hazerdous to my health.
ALW: Wow...she pays attention!
Phan: Of course I do! Hey, I got DOWN here didn't I?
LC: She does have a point.
(the Phan beams)
LC:What were you two arguing about, you're agitating everyone.
DS: He says that he's the greatest Phantom, and I say I am...So we got this precious little phan...
ALW: Hey! No sweet talking the witness!
DS: Anyhow, we decided she should settle things.
LC: Admirable solution.
Phan: I like it! (grins)
LC: However, you failed to take one thing into account....
DS: What?
LC the fact that I am the greatest Phantom!
ALW: oh boy....
DS: Your movie doesn't even have musical numbers!
LC: On the contrary, when I was first shown I had entire orchestras! Live sopranos!
ALW: (muttering) But no dialouge!
LC: We didn't need words, we had faces!
Phan: (aside to ALW) ummm...he's not going to go Norma Desmond on me, is he?
ALW: He's fine...He just gets caught up in the moment. You know how those old actors are!
DS: Yeah like Colm Wilkenson!
ALW: Now that was a low blow! I don't cast for my show! Besides, I've had WAAAY better people play me!
(Just then the David Bishoff (sp?) novel Phantom comes bouncing along, his usual hyper-active self)
DB: OOOOOOOooooh! What have we here? A young creature come to visit the lowly sad Erik (begins to bawl hysterically, the phan taking pity on the poor deranged thing and cuddling him)
Phan: There there....it's all right....
DB: Ah yes! Much better! hahahaha! (Bounces about laughing maniacally)
LC: I thought the Kay version had you sedated.
DB: You cannot control me! For I am the greatest person alive!!!! Ahahahaha!
(the Susan Kay Phantom comes storming along after DB)
SK: Where in the hell is he!
DB: (bouncing around) You can't catch me! You can't catch me!
ALW: Enough!
DS: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't be giving him any more caffine....
LC: (glowering at SK) It was YOUR day to watch him!
SK: The wretched fool got into my music cabinet! He would have ruined all my compositions if I hadn't thrown him out!
DS: (sarcastically) Oh, what a loss THAT would have been! I'M the only one here who can compose worth a damn!
SK: Oh shut up! Going around slamming all of us, AND MOZART! (all gasp)
DS: (sniff) I can't help it if I'M the best!
(all the other Phantoms prepare for war. Each grabbing their punjab lassos. Except DB, who grabs that funky sword of his. The Phan watches horrified)
Phan: STOP!
(all look at her)
Phan: Play nice! (Thwacks them all upside the head)
Phantoms: (at one another) grrrr!
(Just then the Phantom of Manhatten arrives *boo hiss*)
ALW: YOU!!!! (jumping the POM and slamming him into the ground) You have SOME NERVE showing up around here!
(everyone, including the phan glares at him)
POM: (looking at the Phan) Hey....Aren't you supposed to love ALL of us?
Phan: You get no pity from me, MULHEIM!
ALW: Ohh! Slam! Not even the PHAN likes YOU!
DB: Yeah, she's even nice to ME, and my version is on crack or something!
MOB: But you can't kill me!
LC: Why in heaven's name not? You give us all a bad name. And that's saying quite a bit.
ALW: Yes, especially ME!
MOB: But I AM you!
ALW: Save it for Jekyll & Hyde. I don't care.
(Along come the Herbert Lom and Claude Rains versions)
HL: Good heavens, what ARE you doing?
ALW: (strangling POM) killing this fool!
HL/CR: Has he stolen your music?!
ALW: No! No one has stolen ANYONE'S music except you two wanna-be losers!
(Speaking of wanna-be's, the Phantom of the Mall and the Phantom of the Paradise show up)
DS: Who would WANT his music?
SK: You're about this close from getting punjabed...Erik writes good music!....Not as good as MINE, but....
ALW: Will you two shut up?!
POTM: Hey, who let the chick down here?
Phan: I am NOT a chick!
POTP: What's this about stolen music? Can I lodge a complaint?
(POTP, HL, and CR scoot over to a corner to discuss having their music stolen while POTM slicks his hair and tries to look studly)
Phan: Well at least SOME of you are getting along!
ALW: It's not MY fault that this idiot of a sequel ruined my image!
DS: (opens his mouth to say somthing, but SK nails him before he can)
(Another large fight ensues, leaving CL, POTP, HL, and the Phan the only ones not pounding one another and flinging insults)
HL: STOP FIGHTING!
SK: Oh shut up you sissy! You've never killed ANYTHING in your life! You had your MIDGET do it for you!
HL: (looking hurt) I do not need to kill. All I require is music. What goes on beyond that is not my concern!
CR: Yes, but you SHOULD have gotten the bastard who stole your opera! But NO, he gets off scott free!
HL: (turning away) It doesn't matter....
(Robert Englund version joins the frey, grabbing POTM by the hair)
POTM: hey dude! Watch the 'do!
RE: I'm going to kill you just because I think you're a fop! And you have the best complexion here. I need a new face.
POTM: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! (karate chop)
RE: Ow! What the hell was that!
POTM: Tai-bo! Living in a mall has it's advantages, I get all the cheesy work-out videos I want!
RE: (Flips out that knife thingy of his) I WAS going to kill you first, but no I think I'll peel you alive!
CR: I don't think you want him, Dessler. Think of all the acne!
RE: You do have a point. (looking at the Phan) Hey, how'd we get a hooker down here?
Phan: (flustering indignantly) Why you!
LC: She is not a prostitute. YOU'RE the only one here that goes for that kind....Except maybe Raoul-in-a-mask there (indicating POTM)
SK: You should be nicer to the lady.
ALW: She came down to help settle an arguement.
CR: (looking around) Well, considering everyone's at one another's throats, she isn't doing that well, is she.
POTP: What was she trying to settle?
SK: AGH! Don't talk anymore. You're voice hurts my ears, you giant mosquito!
POTP: Well if you had a CONSOLE down here.
ALW: Ah, but then you'd sound like Paul Williams. Not much of an improvement.
POTM: Paul who?
Phan: Paul Williams you twit. Pop musician from the 60's and 70's. He's ok.
HL: I don't like his music. Hurts my ears to hear.
POTM: Dude....
DS: Who let you DOWN here anyhow? (addressing POTM) Didn't we throw you out?
POTM: I always come back. Kinda like Scarface over there.
RE: I'm cursed. Shut up.
POM: (lying bleeding on the ground) umm...little help? (everone ignores him)
LC: Get out, you play your damn rock and roll too loud!
DB: I kinda like it. Very rythmic. (bounces around some more)
POTP: Not exactly my style, but it's all right. Better than you old fogeys.
DS: You must be INSANE! It's horrible!
ALW: We outnumber you!
CR: Leave them alone. They're only boys.
ALW: Softy!
SK: You ALWAYS take their side!
CR: I just think we should be open to--
RE: Why don't you shut your hole before I shut it for you!
ALW: Right on Dessler!
RE: No one asked you!
ALW: I was only trying to be nice!
RE: Go bend your skull staff!
HL: Now THAT was uncalled for!
(long awkward silence)
POTP: Anyhow....what was she settling?
DS: She was telling the rest of these buffoons, that I am the greatest Phantom!
SK: Shut it, Narcissus.
Phan: but you guys won't stop fighting long enough for me to get a word in!
(The Charles Dance and Y/K version stoll in)
CD: Have we missed anything?
ALW: You mean like the entire plot of the novel?
YK: Must you be so scathing?
DS: He has an inferiority complex, so he needs to slander other shows to feel good.
CD: You're not much better. Walking around like your music is the only thing worth listening to!
DS: You don't even COMPOSE!
YK: We don't have to. We're adorable. Says so in our fan mail.
ALW: (rolling his eyes) Oh, my head hurts!
Phan: Oops! I've been ignoring my huggage! (runs around and hugs everyone except for POM, who is STILL laying on the ground bleeding and the POTM, and she only shakes RE's hand because she's still miffed about the hooker remark)
CD: And who is this adoring little thing?
LC: The crazy phan that came down to decide who's the best Phantom.
YK: Looks like we arrived just in time then.
SK: You?! The best? I think not!
YK/CD: Why not?
Phan: Yeah, what's wrong with them? They're cute!
SK: CUTE?! This is insufferable!
Phan: Well you're cute too!
SK: I don't WANT to be cute!
DB: I do! I wanna be cute! (hops around the Phan)
RE: Do you want me to hurt you?
DB: No.
RE: Then shut up and stop that infernal bouncing!
LC: Thank you!
RE: Be quiet.
Phan: I think you're all cute!
DB: Yay I'm cute! (starts to bounce, then thinks better of it)
ALW: Really?
Phan: Yup! (grins) Deformities and all!
DS: (blinks) Wow.
ALW: Someone call the Epoque! Narcissus is humbled! (grins fiendishly)
DS: Oh shut up! Like you're not just as amazed!
Phan: Well DUH! ALL the phans overlook the mask!
LC: Heh! They haven't grasped the concept of the phans yet, my dear.
Phan: I see.
POTP: Shouldn't we be settling this argument instead of talking about who's cute or not?
DS: The Rocky Horror reject is right!
YK: Can't you be nice for just one second?
DS: Oh go cry to your daddy about it!
CD: Leave him alone!
DS: Daddy's boy!
(The Canary Trainer version arrives)
CT: What's going on? Who let the kid down here? Where is that meddling Holmes?
ALW: Calm down. You're even more paranoid than Erique!
CR: But they're out to steal my MUSIC!
SK: Riiiiight.
CT: Who is she??
LC: Calm down!
Phan: I'll handle this. (takes CT's mask without blinking)
CT: (making mumbling noises and gesturing frantically)
DB: oooh! Cherades!
ALW: What did you do? (to Phan)
Phan: (grins) He can't talk without his "face" (holds up the mask)
HL: She's good.
SK: How did you know that would work?
Phan: Said so in his book. His mom was even more whacked than YOURS!
SK: Wow....I almost feel sorry for him.
(CT is still flailing around and DB is playing cherades with him)
LC: That worked rather well....Keeps two idiots occupied at once.
(the Wishbone version and the Animated version come to join the fun)
SK: (lunging at A) Cat killer! You stay away from my precious precious Ayesha or you'll be sorry!
A: Come, come. I haven't touched your mangy cat!
W: (muttering to himself) Stupid animals anyhow! Can you believe I was thrown over for a DOG!
ALW: Weren't we all? That vicompte is certainly a mangy beast.
W: No! Not figuratively! An actual DOG!
(all the other versions laugh at him)
A: Why are we all congregated out here? It's bloody cold!
DS: Why do you have such a stuipd mask? It's bloody gay!
A: I'm not gay! I'm just drawn that way!
Phan: Oh leave him alone. He's precious! Just look at those eyes!
A: I thought morphine boy and the Mosquito were the only ones on drugs here....
LC: She's a phan.
A: Ah! That explains it.
W: Who let her down here?
ALW/DS: We did.
W: Why?
ALW: She's going to decide who the best Phantom is.
A: You're kidding, right?
DS: Nope.
W: Have we really become THIS pathetic? Wanting to know who the best insane masked man is?
LC: We have something better to do?
A: Good point.
Phan: Ok...ok....I shall decide this by simple listing of pros and cons.
SK: Sounds fair.
Phan: Now....First question.....Any of you looking for a new protegee??
All except DS: NO!
DS: Sure!
Phan: Ha! That was a trick question! No self resepecting Phantom would denounce his beloved (makes a face) Christine so quickly!
(The Dario Argento version comes strolling along)
ALL: Getoutgetoutgetout!!!!
DA: What did I do?!
Phan: You don't even have a MASK.
DA: Neither does Freddy Krueger over there.
RE: Watch it!
Phan: Well, technically he does. It's just made out of human flesh.
DA: My type of guy.
SK: Get out, you're disgusting!
ALW: Indeed. Tounges should be left in the mouth....Or in extreme cases, English pub grub.
(ALL chase him out)
Phan: And take this with you! (throws the POM after him)
(The ORIGINAL Phantom walks in. The Phan immediately falls onto her knees and begins praying to him)
O: (blinks) What are all of you DOING? What did I tell you about letting your strange little friends down here!
HL: The dwarf is my personal aid!
O: He's freaky!
YK: And what about my acolytes?
O: If I wanted a backup chorus I would have called the Pips.
ALW: Be nice to the girl, Erik. She's one of the phans.
O: Get up! Get up! (to Phan)
Phan: (getting up quickly) Sorry....
O: (shakes his head) What are you doing DOWN here? And what are you WEARING? (grabs her cloak that's too big for her and looks to be inexpertly sewn)
Phan: Uhhh.... It's a cloak....
O: It's the middle of summer!
LC: You know how the phans are.
CD: I think it's rather sweet....
CR: If slightly deranged.
O: I won't even ASK why you all let her down here!
POTM: She came to settle an arguement.
O: Oh God....Can't you handle ANYTHING on your own?
SK: We needed a non-bias party.
ALW: But she's not non-bias anymore! She's a purist!
Phan: Well, none of you would be here if it weren't for the original novel!
O: Indeed.
DS: That doesn't mean he's the BEST though!
O: It doesn't mean YOU are either!
RE: Yeah, no kidding!
POTM: I have the best hair!
YK: No one cares about your hair!
ALW: I've had the best actors play me!
CR: I beg to differ!
LC: Indeed! Lon Chaney was the greatest star of all!
POTP: Who cares about silent movies?
LC: They're CLASSIC!
DB: They're boring!
HL: But some of them had wonderful scores with them! Beautiful music!
DS: Not near as good as I could compose!
CR: Then why don't you have anything that's ever been PERFORMED!
CR: Maybe someone STOLE it!
YK: Stop gripeing!
RE: YOU stay out of this!
SK: Yeah. At least YOU had a mother who cared about you!
O: MUST you bring that up?
(about half the versions look on the verge of tears after the mention of their mothers)
CT: (moans and mutters loudly)
W: Oh, DO give him back his mask! He's making such awful noises!
A: He makes WORSE ones when he can talk!
(the Phantoms start fighting AGAIN, lassos, swords, axes, knives, and bows and arrows all being wildly flailed)
Phan: STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!
(All the Phantoms freeze, mid maul)
Phan: Why are you fighting amongst yourselves? Shouldn't you be killing Raoul instead or something??
RE: She's right!
SK: To the Fop-House!
(the entire mob of Phantoms and the Phan storm off weidling weapons and head towards where all the Raoul's hang out, picking up other phans along the way. And they killed the fops. And it was good. Afterwards they all went out for pizza and karaoke. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.)
THE END
ALW: you STOLE my look! the half mask is MY thing!
DS: I did not, ya big crybaby! And even if you did have the mask before, it looks better on me!
ALW: However, I am a better Phantom than you!
DS: In your dreams! I have divine inspiration! My music burns!
ALW: Your music?! It SUCKS! You had maybe ONE good song in your whole SHOW!
DS: You obviously don't understand genious!
ALW: You are so full of yourself! Thinking you're all that!
DS: Uninspired twit!
ALW: Braggart!
DS: Moron!
ALW: Look...this isn't getting us ANYWHERE. We need a third party to decide who's the better Phantom.
DS: Why don't we get Erique?
ALW: Nope bias. He thinks just because Claude Rains played him that he's SO special!
DS: You're right. Say! What about one of those looney phans?
ALW: Yes! They instantly make goo-goo eyes over anything in a mask and cape! So they won't run away screaming, and they won't unduely favour one over the other!
DS: Yes, my SUPIOROR INTELLECT has once again saved the day.
ALW: Oh, shove it!....Hey, if you're such a genious, how are we going to GET a phan?
DS: oh ye of little faith! You should know that the REALLY crazy ones always find their way down here eventually. No matter how good Opera security is!
ALW: There's one now!!
(A teen aged female phan is seen sneaking past with her hand at the level of her eyes, natrually she has a cloak and a Phantom t-shirt on)
DS/ALW: Hey you there!
Phan: (jumping about 5 feet) Yipe! Oh! Erik? (walks over to the Phantoms) TWO Eriks!? (beaming widly)
(the two Phantoms are bickering madly about who is better. Finally DS stops and addresses the phan)
DS: We have a little dispute that we'd like you to settle for us.
ALW: Would you be so kind as to tell us who is the better Phantom?
Phan: I have to CHOOSE!?
DS/ALW: yes!
Phan: (thinking) Wait a minute...Isn't Erik supposed to have a black full face mask?
ALW: Oh God! She's a purist phan!
DS: I like purists!
ALW: You would!
DS: Go kiss a Prima Donna!
ALW: Haunt a community theatre!
(At that moment who should arrive but the Lon Chaney version of Erik)
LC: What are you two young whipper snappers arguing about now?!
(Phan rushes to hug LC)
Phan: YAAAY! Three Phantoms!
LC: (carefully trying to disentangle himself from the frenzied phan) Affectionate child, isn't she?
ALW: Hey! where's my hug?
DS: Yes! How come he gets attention and we're left in the cold?
LC: Obviously the girl understands about CLASSICS!
Phan: Aww...I didn't mean to overlook you guys! (hugs them both) But you were fighting, and I make it a point never to interrupt Phantom's when they're dueling....It's hazerdous to my health.
ALW: Wow...she pays attention!
Phan: Of course I do! Hey, I got DOWN here didn't I?
LC: She does have a point.
(the Phan beams)
LC:What were you two arguing about, you're agitating everyone.
DS: He says that he's the greatest Phantom, and I say I am...So we got this precious little phan...
ALW: Hey! No sweet talking the witness!
DS: Anyhow, we decided she should settle things.
LC: Admirable solution.
Phan: I like it! (grins)
LC: However, you failed to take one thing into account....
DS: What?
LC the fact that I am the greatest Phantom!
ALW: oh boy....
DS: Your movie doesn't even have musical numbers!
LC: On the contrary, when I was first shown I had entire orchestras! Live sopranos!
ALW: (muttering) But no dialouge!
LC: We didn't need words, we had faces!
Phan: (aside to ALW) ummm...he's not going to go Norma Desmond on me, is he?
ALW: He's fine...He just gets caught up in the moment. You know how those old actors are!
DS: Yeah like Colm Wilkenson!
ALW: Now that was a low blow! I don't cast for my show! Besides, I've had WAAAY better people play me!
(Just then the David Bishoff (sp?) novel Phantom comes bouncing along, his usual hyper-active self)
DB: OOOOOOOooooh! What have we here? A young creature come to visit the lowly sad Erik (begins to bawl hysterically, the phan taking pity on the poor deranged thing and cuddling him)
Phan: There there....it's all right....
DB: Ah yes! Much better! hahahaha! (Bounces about laughing maniacally)
LC: I thought the Kay version had you sedated.
DB: You cannot control me! For I am the greatest person alive!!!! Ahahahaha!
(the Susan Kay Phantom comes storming along after DB)
SK: Where in the hell is he!
DB: (bouncing around) You can't catch me! You can't catch me!
ALW: Enough!
DS: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't be giving him any more caffine....
LC: (glowering at SK) It was YOUR day to watch him!
SK: The wretched fool got into my music cabinet! He would have ruined all my compositions if I hadn't thrown him out!
DS: (sarcastically) Oh, what a loss THAT would have been! I'M the only one here who can compose worth a damn!
SK: Oh shut up! Going around slamming all of us, AND MOZART! (all gasp)
DS: (sniff) I can't help it if I'M the best!
(all the other Phantoms prepare for war. Each grabbing their punjab lassos. Except DB, who grabs that funky sword of his. The Phan watches horrified)
Phan: STOP!
(all look at her)
Phan: Play nice! (Thwacks them all upside the head)
Phantoms: (at one another) grrrr!
(Just then the Phantom of Manhatten arrives *boo hiss*)
ALW: YOU!!!! (jumping the POM and slamming him into the ground) You have SOME NERVE showing up around here!
(everyone, including the phan glares at him)
POM: (looking at the Phan) Hey....Aren't you supposed to love ALL of us?
Phan: You get no pity from me, MULHEIM!
ALW: Ohh! Slam! Not even the PHAN likes YOU!
DB: Yeah, she's even nice to ME, and my version is on crack or something!
MOB: But you can't kill me!
LC: Why in heaven's name not? You give us all a bad name. And that's saying quite a bit.
ALW: Yes, especially ME!
MOB: But I AM you!
ALW: Save it for Jekyll & Hyde. I don't care.
(Along come the Herbert Lom and Claude Rains versions)
HL: Good heavens, what ARE you doing?
ALW: (strangling POM) killing this fool!
HL/CR: Has he stolen your music?!
ALW: No! No one has stolen ANYONE'S music except you two wanna-be losers!
(Speaking of wanna-be's, the Phantom of the Mall and the Phantom of the Paradise show up)
DS: Who would WANT his music?
SK: You're about this close from getting punjabed...Erik writes good music!....Not as good as MINE, but....
ALW: Will you two shut up?!
POTM: Hey, who let the chick down here?
Phan: I am NOT a chick!
POTP: What's this about stolen music? Can I lodge a complaint?
(POTP, HL, and CR scoot over to a corner to discuss having their music stolen while POTM slicks his hair and tries to look studly)
Phan: Well at least SOME of you are getting along!
ALW: It's not MY fault that this idiot of a sequel ruined my image!
DS: (opens his mouth to say somthing, but SK nails him before he can)
(Another large fight ensues, leaving CL, POTP, HL, and the Phan the only ones not pounding one another and flinging insults)
HL: STOP FIGHTING!
SK: Oh shut up you sissy! You've never killed ANYTHING in your life! You had your MIDGET do it for you!
HL: (looking hurt) I do not need to kill. All I require is music. What goes on beyond that is not my concern!
CR: Yes, but you SHOULD have gotten the bastard who stole your opera! But NO, he gets off scott free!
HL: (turning away) It doesn't matter....
(Robert Englund version joins the frey, grabbing POTM by the hair)
POTM: hey dude! Watch the 'do!
RE: I'm going to kill you just because I think you're a fop! And you have the best complexion here. I need a new face.
POTM: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! (karate chop)
RE: Ow! What the hell was that!
POTM: Tai-bo! Living in a mall has it's advantages, I get all the cheesy work-out videos I want!
RE: (Flips out that knife thingy of his) I WAS going to kill you first, but no I think I'll peel you alive!
CR: I don't think you want him, Dessler. Think of all the acne!
RE: You do have a point. (looking at the Phan) Hey, how'd we get a hooker down here?
Phan: (flustering indignantly) Why you!
LC: She is not a prostitute. YOU'RE the only one here that goes for that kind....Except maybe Raoul-in-a-mask there (indicating POTM)
SK: You should be nicer to the lady.
ALW: She came down to help settle an arguement.
CR: (looking around) Well, considering everyone's at one another's throats, she isn't doing that well, is she.
POTP: What was she trying to settle?
SK: AGH! Don't talk anymore. You're voice hurts my ears, you giant mosquito!
POTP: Well if you had a CONSOLE down here.
ALW: Ah, but then you'd sound like Paul Williams. Not much of an improvement.
POTM: Paul who?
Phan: Paul Williams you twit. Pop musician from the 60's and 70's. He's ok.
HL: I don't like his music. Hurts my ears to hear.
POTM: Dude....
DS: Who let you DOWN here anyhow? (addressing POTM) Didn't we throw you out?
POTM: I always come back. Kinda like Scarface over there.
RE: I'm cursed. Shut up.
POM: (lying bleeding on the ground) umm...little help? (everone ignores him)
LC: Get out, you play your damn rock and roll too loud!
DB: I kinda like it. Very rythmic. (bounces around some more)
POTP: Not exactly my style, but it's all right. Better than you old fogeys.
DS: You must be INSANE! It's horrible!
ALW: We outnumber you!
CR: Leave them alone. They're only boys.
ALW: Softy!
SK: You ALWAYS take their side!
CR: I just think we should be open to--
RE: Why don't you shut your hole before I shut it for you!
ALW: Right on Dessler!
RE: No one asked you!
ALW: I was only trying to be nice!
RE: Go bend your skull staff!
HL: Now THAT was uncalled for!
(long awkward silence)
POTP: Anyhow....what was she settling?
DS: She was telling the rest of these buffoons, that I am the greatest Phantom!
SK: Shut it, Narcissus.
Phan: but you guys won't stop fighting long enough for me to get a word in!
(The Charles Dance and Y/K version stoll in)
CD: Have we missed anything?
ALW: You mean like the entire plot of the novel?
YK: Must you be so scathing?
DS: He has an inferiority complex, so he needs to slander other shows to feel good.
CD: You're not much better. Walking around like your music is the only thing worth listening to!
DS: You don't even COMPOSE!
YK: We don't have to. We're adorable. Says so in our fan mail.
ALW: (rolling his eyes) Oh, my head hurts!
Phan: Oops! I've been ignoring my huggage! (runs around and hugs everyone except for POM, who is STILL laying on the ground bleeding and the POTM, and she only shakes RE's hand because she's still miffed about the hooker remark)
CD: And who is this adoring little thing?
LC: The crazy phan that came down to decide who's the best Phantom.
YK: Looks like we arrived just in time then.
SK: You?! The best? I think not!
YK/CD: Why not?
Phan: Yeah, what's wrong with them? They're cute!
SK: CUTE?! This is insufferable!
Phan: Well you're cute too!
SK: I don't WANT to be cute!
DB: I do! I wanna be cute! (hops around the Phan)
RE: Do you want me to hurt you?
DB: No.
RE: Then shut up and stop that infernal bouncing!
LC: Thank you!
RE: Be quiet.
Phan: I think you're all cute!
DB: Yay I'm cute! (starts to bounce, then thinks better of it)
ALW: Really?
Phan: Yup! (grins) Deformities and all!
DS: (blinks) Wow.
ALW: Someone call the Epoque! Narcissus is humbled! (grins fiendishly)
DS: Oh shut up! Like you're not just as amazed!
Phan: Well DUH! ALL the phans overlook the mask!
LC: Heh! They haven't grasped the concept of the phans yet, my dear.
Phan: I see.
POTP: Shouldn't we be settling this argument instead of talking about who's cute or not?
DS: The Rocky Horror reject is right!
YK: Can't you be nice for just one second?
DS: Oh go cry to your daddy about it!
CD: Leave him alone!
DS: Daddy's boy!
(The Canary Trainer version arrives)
CT: What's going on? Who let the kid down here? Where is that meddling Holmes?
ALW: Calm down. You're even more paranoid than Erique!
CR: But they're out to steal my MUSIC!
SK: Riiiiight.
CT: Who is she??
LC: Calm down!
Phan: I'll handle this. (takes CT's mask without blinking)
CT: (making mumbling noises and gesturing frantically)
DB: oooh! Cherades!
ALW: What did you do? (to Phan)
Phan: (grins) He can't talk without his "face" (holds up the mask)
HL: She's good.
SK: How did you know that would work?
Phan: Said so in his book. His mom was even more whacked than YOURS!
SK: Wow....I almost feel sorry for him.
(CT is still flailing around and DB is playing cherades with him)
LC: That worked rather well....Keeps two idiots occupied at once.
(the Wishbone version and the Animated version come to join the fun)
SK: (lunging at A) Cat killer! You stay away from my precious precious Ayesha or you'll be sorry!
A: Come, come. I haven't touched your mangy cat!
W: (muttering to himself) Stupid animals anyhow! Can you believe I was thrown over for a DOG!
ALW: Weren't we all? That vicompte is certainly a mangy beast.
W: No! Not figuratively! An actual DOG!
(all the other versions laugh at him)
A: Why are we all congregated out here? It's bloody cold!
DS: Why do you have such a stuipd mask? It's bloody gay!
A: I'm not gay! I'm just drawn that way!
Phan: Oh leave him alone. He's precious! Just look at those eyes!
A: I thought morphine boy and the Mosquito were the only ones on drugs here....
LC: She's a phan.
A: Ah! That explains it.
W: Who let her down here?
ALW/DS: We did.
W: Why?
ALW: She's going to decide who the best Phantom is.
A: You're kidding, right?
DS: Nope.
W: Have we really become THIS pathetic? Wanting to know who the best insane masked man is?
LC: We have something better to do?
A: Good point.
Phan: Ok...ok....I shall decide this by simple listing of pros and cons.
SK: Sounds fair.
Phan: Now....First question.....Any of you looking for a new protegee??
All except DS: NO!
DS: Sure!
Phan: Ha! That was a trick question! No self resepecting Phantom would denounce his beloved (makes a face) Christine so quickly!
(The Dario Argento version comes strolling along)
ALL: Getoutgetoutgetout!!!!
DA: What did I do?!
Phan: You don't even have a MASK.
DA: Neither does Freddy Krueger over there.
RE: Watch it!
Phan: Well, technically he does. It's just made out of human flesh.
DA: My type of guy.
SK: Get out, you're disgusting!
ALW: Indeed. Tounges should be left in the mouth....Or in extreme cases, English pub grub.
(ALL chase him out)
Phan: And take this with you! (throws the POM after him)
(The ORIGINAL Phantom walks in. The Phan immediately falls onto her knees and begins praying to him)
O: (blinks) What are all of you DOING? What did I tell you about letting your strange little friends down here!
HL: The dwarf is my personal aid!
O: He's freaky!
YK: And what about my acolytes?
O: If I wanted a backup chorus I would have called the Pips.
ALW: Be nice to the girl, Erik. She's one of the phans.
O: Get up! Get up! (to Phan)
Phan: (getting up quickly) Sorry....
O: (shakes his head) What are you doing DOWN here? And what are you WEARING? (grabs her cloak that's too big for her and looks to be inexpertly sewn)
Phan: Uhhh.... It's a cloak....
O: It's the middle of summer!
LC: You know how the phans are.
CD: I think it's rather sweet....
CR: If slightly deranged.
O: I won't even ASK why you all let her down here!
POTM: She came to settle an arguement.
O: Oh God....Can't you handle ANYTHING on your own?
SK: We needed a non-bias party.
ALW: But she's not non-bias anymore! She's a purist!
Phan: Well, none of you would be here if it weren't for the original novel!
O: Indeed.
DS: That doesn't mean he's the BEST though!
O: It doesn't mean YOU are either!
RE: Yeah, no kidding!
POTM: I have the best hair!
YK: No one cares about your hair!
ALW: I've had the best actors play me!
CR: I beg to differ!
LC: Indeed! Lon Chaney was the greatest star of all!
POTP: Who cares about silent movies?
LC: They're CLASSIC!
DB: They're boring!
HL: But some of them had wonderful scores with them! Beautiful music!
DS: Not near as good as I could compose!
CR: Then why don't you have anything that's ever been PERFORMED!
CR: Maybe someone STOLE it!
YK: Stop gripeing!
RE: YOU stay out of this!
SK: Yeah. At least YOU had a mother who cared about you!
O: MUST you bring that up?
(about half the versions look on the verge of tears after the mention of their mothers)
CT: (moans and mutters loudly)
W: Oh, DO give him back his mask! He's making such awful noises!
A: He makes WORSE ones when he can talk!
(the Phantoms start fighting AGAIN, lassos, swords, axes, knives, and bows and arrows all being wildly flailed)
Phan: STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!
(All the Phantoms freeze, mid maul)
Phan: Why are you fighting amongst yourselves? Shouldn't you be killing Raoul instead or something??
RE: She's right!
SK: To the Fop-House!
(the entire mob of Phantoms and the Phan storm off weidling weapons and head towards where all the Raoul's hang out, picking up other phans along the way. And they killed the fops. And it was good. Afterwards they all went out for pizza and karaoke. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.)
THE END