a/n: You guys are going to have to forgive me for this one, because it's OOC and unspeakably silly. Sort of a goofy take on the whole 'Integra picks a human husband and the vampires are jealous' cliché. I'm calling it anime set, especially since Seras is so whiny(on purpose, I know she's smarter than that, I'm just playing around). And yes, Seras and Alucard are on the same side here, I mean, they just totally don't get why Integra wont have a threesome with them(Ah, don't shoot me! I told you I was being silly!) Anyways, it's a set of three drabbles, where I was practicing with word count constraints. They are one hundred, three hundred, and seven hundred words respectively. Enjoy!
Alucard growled to himself, frustrated beyond belief at the events before his eyes. Or above his head rather. His master had brought home one of those round table sops the queen had the nerve to call knights. If it weren't bad enough having such filth in his home, there was the fact that his master was flirting with the bastard.
Really, of all the things? His master? Flirting? How ridiculous. But that was exactly what she was doing. Flouncing about the men folk in search of a mate.
He snorted, resuming his growl. What a perfectly human thing to do.
Alucard glared at the back of a brown haired head, causing its owner to start and look around for the source of his unease. To no avail of course, for Alucard was well out of sight. He grinned smugly, only to have his fun ruined in an instant.
"Alucard. Basement. Now." Integra spoke calmly, taking a sip of her tea.
An audible growl reverberated through the air at his departure.
The angered vampire phased downstairs and into the police girl's room, throwing himself into an empty chair with ill grace.
The blond female vampire looked up from the magazine she was reading.
"Sir Integra with Tolgart again?" she questioned knowingly.
Alucard's irritable growl was all the response she needed.
Seras sighed gustily. "This is so stupid. What does she need that lout for anyways? She could just get artificial insemination if she wants a baby so badly! I already told her I would help her and stay up at night with the baby and everything!"
Alucard's rage was broken momentarily by the police girl's enthusiasm. "Told her that, did you?"
"Yes! And I even said I'd change all the dirty diapers!" She professed proudly.
"It's too bad she won't take you up on that offer. Or mine, for that matter." He said dejectedly.
"Damn right. And if she thinks for one second that my offer extends to that pig's offspring, she's delusional. Right bloody pervert he is. I caught him staring at my chest yesterday! And Sir wouldn't even believe me when I tried to tell her." Seras let out a little growl of her own, entirely frustrated.
"Hmph, she's in for a rude awakening it seems." Alucard stated, not bothering to comment nearly every male in the mansion stared at her chest. Anything to help his case after all.
Seras jittered nervously, tugging at her skirt. "Master, are you sure it's okay to come here? What if Sir finds out?"
"Quiet police girl. We need to speak with the queen, and this is the fastest way to do it." He shushed her.
The two vampires were currently dressed in servant's attire, headed for the queen's personal study. The master vampire knocked sharply on the door, waiting for the queen's call to come in before he hastily pushed the police girl through the door and shut it quickly behind him.
"I was wondering what was taking so long with my tea." The queen said absently without looking up, currently absorbed in a book. A few moments of silence passed before the queen glanced up and let out a gasp.
"Alucard! What are you doing here? Where is Sir Integra?" She questioned.
Alucard knelt before the queen, grimacing at Seras, who tripped over herself to do the same. "My apologies, but my master is not with us at present."
"Well, what is your business then? Speak." She demanded impatiently.
"We are having…difficulties, at this present moment, with our master's choice of suitor." Alucard began, trying to decide how best to word his plight so as to gain sympathy with the woman. As it turned out, Seras was far more apt at whining, err, that is, getting sympathy. Right.
"Make him leave!" Seras cried suddenly. "The man is awful! I just can't stand it anymore. I refuse to work for hellsing if he stays!"
"Wait, slow down, what man?" The queen asked, obviously baffled by the crying draculina at her feet.
"T-t-tolgart!" Seras sniffed.
"Sir Tolgart? Samuel Tolgart? He's one of my knights." The queen blinked at her.
"The man is a disgrace." Alucard stated while the police girl continued to blubber. "Not at all worthy of our master! I demand that you have this imbecile removed at once."
The queen sighed good naturedly, musing to herself that the vampires were a bit like jealous hounds. "Alucard, surely you know that I can't forbid Sir Integra from dating."
"Why not? You're the queen!" Seras whined.
"Who needs to forbid anything? Send the bastard off to the front lines in a third world country for all I care. Or better yet, make her recind the order not to eat him." Alucard groused.
"Pray tell, what is so wrong with the man anyways?" The queen asked bemusedly.
"He's annoying." Said Alucard.
"And obnoxious." Said Seras.
"And a coward."
"And a pervert!"
"And a simpering fool."
"And a…jerk!" Seras exclaimed, running out of descriptive words.
"I can't possibly see what my master sees in him." Alucard griped.
"Why can't she just be happy with us?" Seras whined.
The queen sighed again, realizing that was the gist of the problem.
"Now see here, Integra is entitled to have any relationships she so desires. The woman has more than earned the right to start her own family, with all the time she's spent protecting others."
"But we can be her family! I told her I'd help take care of the baby if she wanted to do IVF or something." There were tears slipping into her eyes again.
"Seras, dear. There is more to a family than just children. The woman would do well with a husband. I doubt she wants to stay a virgin forever."
"But master could do that! His works!" Seras blurted, blushing as an after thought.
Alucard hastily cleared his throat to hide the chuckle that threatened to emerge, but didn't deny his police girl's claim.
Meanwhile, the queen's face had gone quite red, as she stammered, "I-I have no d-doubt. However! That is Sir Integra's business. Again, my answer is no. If you hate the man so much, you'll have to convince Integra of it yourselves. I'll have nothing more to do with this!" the queen said with finality, mustering of the rest of her dignity to shoo them out.
Outside the door, Seras slumped against the wall, sighing dejectedly. "Well that bites."
"I agree." Alucard said discontentedly. "I suppose we should head back to the mansion before our master becomes suspicious of our lateness."
"Yeah…" Seras grimaced. "I guess you're right, Master."
A/n2: See, silly. Although, I wouldn't mind elaborating on this theme if anyone actually likes these. It was just a idea that popped into my head while surfing youtube and wouldn't leave me be till I wrote it out.