Author's Notes: This story is the exact OPPOSITE of the last story I wrote (although shockingly still no sex.) It's basically crack. Really, really, crazy crack. It came about from an interview in which Andrew Marlowe stated a kind of episode he'd want to do in season 5. It didn't actually turn out like that. Reviews make me really happy. Especially because - let me reiterate - this is crack.

Question 11: How long have you two been sleeping together?

Their mouths drop open. The detective recovers first, until they're both simultaneously stumbling.

"We're not - Why would you think -"

The folks doth protest too much.

"Guys, I've been following you with a camera all day. You do know that everyone here knows about you two, right?"

Beckett drops her head into her hands, shakes her head. "Show us?"

"Kate!"

"Castle, before this ends up on the Heat Wave DVD extras or worse on page six, let's just see what he has. Seth, show us what you've got."

Rewind.

The break room in the precinct is a little stuffier than he'd like considering the lights and equipment, not to mention the charged tension that seems to radiate off the people gathered at the table. There's four of his main subjects already here; a couple are rolling their eyes or may as well be, there's the dude with a sweater vest who looks way too preppy to be a cop and like he's about to shit himself in excitement. He's never read a Richard Castle book or seen Heat Wave (even though he'd definitely like to climb into a crawl space with Natalie Rhodes minus flesh eating viruses or whatever was in that movie she was in – snakes? Was it snakes? Insects?) but he's smart enough to know that the reason he's here today happens to be missing.

And then she breezes into the room, pissed off and if anger was an art form she'd be in a million galleries around the world at the moment. Basically, she's hot. She leans against a wall near the door, arms crossed, lips set and yeah, he could write a book or two about her as well.

He glances down at his watch. Two hours for commentary, a few hours of random precinct shenanigans and whatever else this day holds.

"Hey guys, I'm Seth. You can call me whatever you want. If screaming out Hey dude or Yo camera guy works for you, it works for me. I just not ask that you call me Sethala, like my Jewish grandmother." Crickets. Huh. It cracks the old people at the home up. "Anyway, as you were all informed-"

The real Nikki Heat huffs out a laugh, eyes narrowed at the writer. Okay, so there's clearly a story there. That'll come in handy.

"I'm here to get commentary and footage for the Heat Wave DVD extras. A look inside the NYPD with the real Nikki Heat and author Richard Castle. I'll take you guys in shifts. I'll ask you questions, you can answer. I will be edited out on the actual piece so please, after I ask the question, repeat it back to me. I'll also be around the bullpen, watch you guys in action. I'll go easy on you guys, I promise. Rick, Detective Beckett, I'd like to start with you."

He hears sighs of relief, the rush of feet out the door needing to flee. He expects the detective to take a seat but she remains rooted at the door and for someone who let this guy write four books about her she seems rather put out at the moment. Lover's quarrel? He's heard rumors.

Dating. Keeping it a secret. No one knows but everyone knows.

"Detective Beckett, would you mind taking a seat? I promise it'll be quick and painless."

He tries to give her a smile and she exhales, seeming to ease up. She takes a seat next to the writer (her boyfriend?) but they're cushions apart. He looks down at his list.

Subjects #1 & #2: Richard Castle (author of Heat Wave), Detective Kate Beckett (homicide detective, inspiration for Detective Nikki Heat.)

Question 1: What was it about Detective Beckett that inspired you to create Nikki Heat?

"The reason I chose Detective Beckett as my inspiration for the wonderfully complex character of Nikki Heat is because of her legs."

"Castle-"

Seething on video. Well, okay, not great for the DVD extras but maybe he can get a job on The Office with this footage.

"She looked like she would be a great runner. Chasing down suspects. In heels. It was like a superhero coming to life. I started writing that night and haven't stopped since."

Question 2: Detec-

"See, Nikki is complex." Oh. So he's going to keep going. Okay. "She had to be gorgeous, powerful, could command a room of men three times her size, twice her age and still come out on top. I knew Beckett had the power to provide that so I started following her around. She hated me at first-"

Yeah, buddy. She's not looking too thrilled with you now either.

"But I became a valuable asset to her team. We became partners."

Partners. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

It's quiet for a moment, and he thinks it's safe to move on. Isn't this guy a best selling author? He seems so excited to be on camera. He should team up with the sweater vest guy, host a game show or American Idol or something.

Question 2: Detective Beckett, the character of Nikki Heat is obviously based on you. How much of a say did you have in that process? Do you feel that the film justified your character as well as the books do?

Her fists clench against the cushions. She smiles, wide and fake and oh so phony. It's probably a good thing she's not an actress. He also briefly wonders that if she comes off like a bitch in this if she's later going to hunt him down and kick his ass. Might hurt, but it'll be a hell of a time on the way to death.

"I didn't actually have a say in Mr. Castle following me around. I didn't have a say when Cosmopolitan ran an article about it and I definitely didn't have a say about this commentary. If you're asking-"

"Beckett, can I talk to you in the hallway for a second?"

Great. Now they both look pissed. So much for getting shit done after this gig. He's going to end up being here for hours because these people look like they're about to fight on the playground. Pull a little pigtails, push each other off the swing.

If a writer is murdered by a cop and no one sees it, does the murder still count?

She follows Rick out of the room. They close the door - of course- but people fail to realize how thin walls actually are. Epic fail on their part; excellent score on his. They're standing a little to the left and if he angles his camera just right - yeah, there they are. Her arms are crossed again, he looks annoyed as shit.

"What are you doing? I know you're pissed at me but-"

"How is it that everyone has known about this for a week and you woke me up at four this morning to drop it into conversation? Oh hey, Beckett, I'm sorry to wake you but by the way there's a camera crew coming to the precinct in the morning to film us. Are you kidding me right now, Castle?"

"Because I knew you'd act like this! You did with Cosmo and I thought-"

"I was mad at you during the Cosmo interview!"

"You're mad at me now!"

"I wouldn't be if you had told me!"

"Kate, it's five, ten minutes. Please. Be mad at me later."

"Fine."

He rushes away from the door, manages to escape the wrath of Kate Beckett as she plops back down on the couch. She takes in a breath and it does seem to calm her. She looks at the writer when he sits back down; there's this look that passes between them and he can't tell if it's sexual or an understanding yet he's oddly fascinated by them.

And by everyone else here for not calling them on an obvious relationship. Whatever. Not his business.

"The character of Nikki Heat is obviously a lot more complex in the book because there's so much more to work with. There are no time constraints like there are with the film but I loved her strengths on screen. Natalie Rhodes spent some time here with us and I think she really picked up on so many of my traits. I'm not quite sure I had a say in the process, but Castle has been very good about the research. He's gotten inside of me maybe more times than I'd like, but all in the name of research right?"

Rick chokes out a laugh and then one, two, three, the detective's eyes widen.

"Oh! No! Not like that. I mean - I hate being on camera," she mutters and the daggers are back, lucky, lucky Rick.

"I think she means I've picked her brain one too many times. Next question?"

Question 3: What was it like having Natalie Rhodes here?

"Having Natalie Rhodes at the precinct was great! She's a method actress, really did whatever she could to emulate Beckett. There were times when the two of them were standing next to each other that if you squinted they could be twins. Funny story-"

Question 4: What were some of the most interesting cases you've had together?

"We had a zombie case, by far one of the coolest! Have you ever seen a mob of angry zombies coming at you? We're standing downtown and all of them start to come toward us. I really thought we might get eaten! I now own a custom made zombie costume that I like to wear around if I haven't scared anyone in a while. Beckett and I were also abducted once. Aliens. It was like being in an episode of The X-Files.There was also the time when-"

Detective Kate Beckett doesn't talk a lot. She does however have seventy-two different ways in which she can perfect an eye roll.

He sets up camp in the bullpen.

For a homicide squad and a city where hundreds of people are probably murdered daily, these people do not seem too busy. Beckett is back at her desk and Rick sits beside her in what must be the oldest, ugliest chair he's ever seen (isn't this dude a millionaire? He couldn't spring for a new chair?) Sweater vest cop sits across from his Latino partner who looks like he'd kick a lot of ass - he should probably learn these people's names - and they too seem to be in a lover's tiff.

Is this like hospitals shows? Does everyone just sleep with everyone?

It's quiet. Like even the static of silence doesn't linger in this uncomfortable room. He's shooting nothing. The captain woman stares from behind the blinds in her office; yeah, he's not going there yet. She does not look all that nice. In fact her exact words when he walked in were, I want you in and I want you out. The mayor might like all this press for the NYPD, but I don't.

Then he said yes ma'am and she nearly maimed him.

"Guys, come on. Pretend I'm not here. Do what you usually do. I'm not here to mess with you and honestly, it's only about a ten minute feature. Majority of what happens here will be cut out. Be yourselves and we'll go from there."

The pep talk doesn't work.

Quiet.

Silence.

Dead.

Speechless.

Lacking words.

Closemouthed.

Ringing phone.

Oh - ringing phone!

"Beckett - Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. - No, we'll handle it. Let me know if you find anything." She hangs up the phone. "That was Karpowski. They finally have witnesses on that shooting over in the Meatpacking district. Three naked men with a goose."

She's kidding. This has to be for his benefit.

No one seems to be laughing.

Well, the writer looks a little amused. "There has got to be a joke in there somewhere. Calling not it on interviewing these guys, by the way."

The Latin fella - he looks at the list, Esposito - shakes his head. "Dude, you can't call not it. You're not even a cop."

"Beckett is. Beckett, do you want the three naked men and goose? Oh, it sounds like a Christmas song or something! Three naked men, two tiny thongs, and a goose in a man's hands!"

"Why would they have thongs if they were naked?" Sweater Vest asks.

"To hold their money?"

She scribbles something on a post it. Rick looks over her shoulder. "Someone is going to need to watch that goose while Castle and I are in interrogation."

"Pass."

"You're passing on interrogation?"

"Beckett, it's three naked men. They're just going to be - hanging. Out.I'll stay with the goose."

She rolls her eyes (this one looks different than the others. Make that seventy-three ways.) "Fine. Espo? You coming in with me?"

"I was gonna - I think Seth needs me in interviews. Right, man?"

"Seriously, guys? You see naked men in the morgue all the time."

"Yeah, but they're dead," Sweater Vest says. Esposito tries to grab something off the desk and SV slaps his hand anyway. "That's mine. Get your own rubber bands!"

"Really, dude? You're still pissed?"

"It had my name on it!"

Rick looks between both of them. He seems to be mesmerized by the rubber bands that SV is playing with (he knows his real name by now. But he's just so perfectly Ryan Seacrest Clone with that hair and those preppy outfits that Sweater Vest seems like so much more fun.) The writer opens one of Detective Beckett's drawers and she's does eye roll number seven - or was it eight? Whatever the exasperated one is - before she hands him a rubber band ball and a handful of rubber bands.

So, apparently he's shooting in a pre-school today. Does he get paid extra if one of them has an accident on the floor? Or if the goose has an accident? There can't really be a goose coming. That's just not - real.

"Is this still about the cupcake?"

"It had a note on it!"

"Yeah, Ryan, I saw that note. You shouldn't brag about it," Rick says, twining the band around the ball.

Beckett looks up and for the first time she really smiles. "Wait, what note?"

"Nothing," SV says quickly, but Rick is already leaning forward, elbows on Beckett's desk. Now she's looking at him like they're sleeping together. Finally something is getting good around here.

"Remember Jenny's cupcakes?"

"From a couple of days ago, Castle?" Eye roll. Sixteen? Amused eye roll. "Yeah, I remember."

"There was one left in the batch at home and Jenny sent Ryan to work with it with a note that said A treat for my sweet. Esposito ate it."

A treat for my sweet? This is comedy gold.

"I was hungry! And Jenny puts in that little bit of mint frosting in the middle and it was delicious!"

"Actually the secret is she uses about a teaspoon of vanilla and -"

Yeah, he cannot listen to Julia Child and Rachel Ray over here discussing baking secrets. He shifts the camera slightly to the left and he sees it - Writer Boy's hand touches the detective's knee briefly and he's mouthing I'm sorry with these pathetically wide puppy dog eyes and she smiles back at him, nods, brushing her fingers over his. It's kind of cute if it wasn't so blatantly obvious.

The guys are now discussing football - he doesn't even want to know how it went from baking to football - and the mood in the room has changed. Tension has been lifted and maybe now he'll finally get something good from these people. He's about to slink back into the corner so he has a better view of the room when he hears the bustle of feet, the voices.

Three naked men and a goose.

"I need you guys to take the goose while Castle and I are interrogation-"

"Beckett-"

"We'll get them blankets. They're behind a table, Castle."

"But I know that they're naked."

"Velasquez!" she shouts to some blonde who has been lurking around all day. "Can you get me three blankets downstairs?" She nods and Beckett turns back to Rick. "Blankets. Let's go. Boys, go do your interviews with Seth. Make sure the goose is taken care of."

A uniform places the goose in the arms of the Sweater.

Seriously. What is this place?

Subjects #3 & #4: Detective Kevin Ryan (homicide detective, inspiration for Detective Does Not Have a First Name Raley) & Detective Javier Esposito (homicide detective, inspiration for Detective Miguel Ochoa.)

Question 5: The movie and book both portray you as being best friends. Is that accurate or was it created that way to give Nikki Heat a family when her own was lacking?

"I don't like to use the term best friends because it doesn't sound manly-"

"At all-"

"But Esposito and I do hang out a lot of outside of work. We - we play Madden. We'll go out with my wife and his girlfriend. The M.E.? I'm not sure if you've met her yet, anyway yeah, we do a lot together. Does that sound lame?" He asks this while he's stroking a goose, so - and speaking of, he holds her up. "This is Lucy. Goosey." He lets out a little laugh while Esposito rolls his eyes. "She belongs to three men who are being questioned right now for witnessing a homicide. She's actually very sweet. Right, Lucy?"

The goose lunges at him and Sweater nearly drops the bird onto the couch. She's high pitched and squawking, trying to get at his ear or his sweater or that weird looking colored tie he has underneath.

"Maybe she doesn't like the name Lucy," Esposito goads.

"Just answer the question, Javi."

"Are we a family? Yeah. Like this bonehead almost just got eaten by a goose-"

"I wasn't almost eaten by her. She just got scared."

"Either way, it was hilarious. With the exception of Ryan we've all dated in house -"

"You know Beckett and Castle are dating, right?"

"Dude-"

"What?" It's like he finally realizes that he's being interviewed for something. "Wait, don't put that on your video. She'll kill us."

Esposito shakes his head. "Idiot," he mumbles.

"You're the one who said everyone dated in house! I don't think Seth thought you were talking about you and me!"

Well -

"Seth, man, between us. How much extra will it cost to play a little prank on them?"

He's intrigued. This job pays shit anyway. It's not like he works for the studio either. "What did you have in mind?"

"You see Beckett and Castle out there? Minus their little argument or whatever they had earlier, they make googly eyes at each other all the time and think we don't see it. Record 'em. Let's see how obvious they really are." He turns to SV who is attempting to tame the damn goose. For the record, she doesn't want to be tamed. "You in for putting down some cash?"

"Without a doubt." Lucy tries to nip him again. "Lucy, stop. You're going to hurt me!"

"You guys give me the interviews I need and then I'm game. She's not gonna shoot me though, right? She seems a little scary."

"Oh Beckett's petrifying," SV responds. "Castle will find it funny. Probably."

What the hell is he getting himself into?

Question 6: What was the hardest case you've ever worked on?

He got the interviews done in ten minutes with decent responses. He needs to fit in that scary boss woman and the M.E. who is also apparently going to be down for putting in some cash but their schedules don't permit it for another hour or so.

Which means: Get Beckett and Castle to Admit They're Doing the Horizontal Mambo is underway. (He didn't come up with that name. The boys did. He forgives them. They're not writers after all.)

Except Beckett is mysteriously missing. Rick's at their shared desk with his rubber band ball, tossing it up in the air, mid conversation with Esposito and Sweater Vest, but he keeps looking into the camera, obviously a fan of being the center of attention. He looks like he belongs in a Crest commercial right now.

"Think about it. We can live on the moon. There are going to be flying spaceships and you can nestle into a crater like a bunker. How fun is that?! You can literally walk around the moon and by then everyone will have space shoes."

"But where do you sleep?" Sweater asks curiously, holding his hand out for the ball. "Are there houses? Is each crater a home?"

Rick throws it. It nearly drops out of Sweater's hands but he manages to catch it. "Who knows! That's why it's so exciting. It's a brand new land where we can set up shop. Flying monkeys will swing around to each area offering the necessities for life. Which at the time will of course be a magical food that we don't know about yet and when it rains it'll be champagne or whatever liquor of your choosing. You can literally push a rain button and program in your choice. Non-alcoholic as well."

"But bro, doesn't that mean it rains everywhere?" Esposito asks, tossing the ball back to Castle.

"No, that's the best part! Only where you're standing!"

"Is this your moon theory thing again?" Beckett asks, returning. She takes note of him standing in the back with his camera and ducks her head, sitting at the desk.

"Moon theory thing, Beckett? It's my very interesting and imaginary tale of what could happen in years down the line when we implode and the moon becomes the only place to live. Think about it. We can live in craters next to each other and solve crimes up there! Are there crimes on the moon?"

"I don't know, Castle, it's your tale. Are there? Throw the damn ball."

"What do we do if there's no crime?" SV ponders. "Space Cowboy?"

"Sure, that can work."

"Oh there's crime," Beckett adds, "but not with humans. Those monkeys that Castle so lovingly likes to talk about? It's a disguise. They're a new breed of creatures that are planning to get rid of all humans so they can run it themselves."

"Beckett! This is why I love -"

Oh man. It's amazing. Their faces. Rick bites his lip, Beckett's eyes narrow as she lifts an eyebrow and the duo of dopey frat detectives across from them look like pigs rolling in shit. This might actually be the best job he's ever had.

"Love spinning theories with you. That's a good one. Food?"

She lets out a laugh. "Yeah. Hey guys, we're going to Remy's. Want us to pick you up anything?"

"Are you two crazy kids having a lunch date?"

"Looks like Ryan isn't eating today. It's a shame someone stole your sweet."

"I think it was treat. Ryan is the sweet," Rick corrects.

"Hmmm," she hums. "Espo? Food?"

"Burger and fries. Don't listen to Ryan. He just misses Lucy."

"She tried to bite me," Sweater frowns. "I think she thought I was the enemy."

"It's a shame, Ryan. You two were adorable," Beckett teases. She turns her head, glancing at him warily. "Seth? Can we get you anything?"

"I'd love some fries. I can get you money-"

"Make us look good on that video. That's enough."

She walks out, Castle trailing behind her. He's not all that sure he's going to get anything on them aside from some harmless flirting and an almost accidental I love you. It's not like they're going to have sex on her desk with everyone watching. She probably doesn't have sex with him here at all. So he figures he'll film, get some extra money and send it to the boys so they can hand it to Beckett and Rick as their coming out gift, engagement gift, wedding gift, parting gift, whatever.

"Detectives Ryan and Esposito," the captain lady/sir admonishes, walking into the room, "if you have enough time to sit here and play ball, you have enough time to clear that paperwork off your desk. Mr.-"

"You can just call me Seth."

She practically scowls at him. "Dr. Parish is downstairs in the morgue waiting for you."

Um. He did not sign up for dead bodies.

"But I - I thought everyone was coming up here?"

She narrows her eyes, arms crossed and okay. Dead bodies have got to be better than this lady. Sir. Captain.

Shit.

Subject # 5: Dr. Lanie Parish (medical examiner, inspiration for Dr. Lauren Parry)

Question 7: How did it feel to have Zoe Saldena play you in the movie? Were you flattered?

"How did it feel to have Zoe Saldena play me in the movie? How do you think it felt? Boy, it is Zoe freaking Saldena, would someone not be flattered about that? They took a little liberty on my age, but better younger than older. Zoe came and followed me around for a week or two. Had a real knack for it. Now if we can get Idris Elba down here for a visit, I am good to go."

He loves this woman, she's so goddamn sassy. And she's the one who's dating Esposito? Well done, Detective, well done.

Question 8: Do you-

"How's the horizontal mambo plan going? Those two admit they're dating yet?"

"He almost said I love you, then realized what he said and changed it to that he loved spinning theory with her."

Jesus. He's like a twelve year old girl with this gossip. What is wrong with him?

Dr. Parish shakes her head. "Girl is my best friend and she still hasn't told me she's bumpin' uglies with Castle. It's been over three months. Do me a favor." She scribbles something down on a pad of paper - there are no dead bodies here right now, thankfully - and hands it to him. "Give this to Esposito. I'll be up when I can."

"I have two more questions for you. Can we-"

"Ask away, camera boy."

Subject #6: Captain Victoria "Iron" Gates (movie footage not found)

He's back in the break room with the captain. He's actually not even sure why he's interviewing her when she clearly hates Rick Castle, when she hadn't invited him here to begin with, when she's not a part of the movie and is also fully aware that Beckett is dating Rick which is a whole other can of worms that no one is apparently comfortable talking about. She's actually pretty though and he doesn't want to assume but she seems to have a softness behind her eyes that she keeps guarded fairly well.

(He watches people through the eye of a camera daily. He likes to think he knows them. Then again, she is scary. Maybe the softness behind her eyes is the souls of all the sweet children she's eaten, all lost and sad and kind inside.)

Question 9: Do you feel the portrayal of Nikki Heat and her team represents the NYPD?

She's in the middle of answering - apparently she hasn't seen the movie or so she claims - when he notices Beckett and Castle through the blinds. He lifts his camera slightly so Gates is out of focus, but they're not going to use her footage anyway. They're sneaking in through the stairwell door and he's not sure where the boys are, but Beckett's hair is a little - uh - messed up. Did Rick - her hair is really high or something. Tangled. Sex in the stairwell? Shit, he's gotta let the boys know this. Her sweater is a little crooked too and yeah, Rick, you might want to tuck in that shirt a little better next time.

"Mr. Compton, is there something out there that's keeping your interest more than I am?"

"No ma' - Sir. That was a great answer. I think we're done here. I just need a couple more interviews with Mr. Castle and Detective Beckett and I'll be out of your hair. I really appreciate you letting me come in here to film it. We'll be sure to send you a copy of the DVD when it comes out."

She looks fucking thrilled.

The rest of the afternoon is like being at sleepaway camp and trying to get into the girl's side of camp. He hasn't stolen any underwear yet and he can't help but wonder if Beckett's is still on after her little love connection in the stairwell. He plays with the boys through looks and signs.

The rundown of the remaining hours looks a little something like this:

2 p.m:

Castle's shirt is safely tucked back in as he and Beckett flirt over the espresso machine when they think no one is listening. (There are thin walls here. He's listening.) She watches him make her coffee, laughing, maintaining enough distance as she leans back against the counter, arms folded.

"So about tonight, I was thinking. My mother is gone for the night."

He lives with his mother? That's not creepy at all.

"We could go back to my place, have some wine, I'll cook dinner and we could, you know."

"We could you know? Don't you write novels for a living, Castle?"

He takes a step closer, crowding her. "Do you really want me to tell you what I'd do to make you scream while we're at the precinct? Because if you do, I'll start with -"

"Stop. Thanks for the stairwell, by the way. I forgive you for this morning."

He smiles widely; apparently he's really good at sex.

3:45 p.m.:

Esposito hangs up his phone, smirks at Sweater Vest who is beside him. "Yo Beckett."

She looks up from her desk and he sees the sign Sweater is holding up to him. Watch this. P.S. We love you, man. Thanks for being awesome.

"Guys downstairs just called. Said there's a flower delivery for you. Looks like someone bought out the shop for you."

Camera wide, zoom in - first reactions are always the best. She glares at her partner/boyfriend/secret lover like he's committed the ultimate sin and he subtly shakes his head, except not all that subtle because everyone is looking at them right now.

"You dating someone, Beckett?" SV asks casually.

"Yeah Beckett. Who's the mystery man?" Castle smirks.

Smooth.

"Not that my personal life is anyone's business, but no. I'm sure it's from a prisoner at Rikers who wants me at his parole hearing or something. Sorry to disappoint you all. Tell the boys downstairs to keep them. They can use it to make their locker room stop smelling like a day old crime scene. Castle, help me out in the break room for a second?"

Esposito and SV turn into the camera and grin.

4:15 p.m.:

"Castle, how long has it been since you've dated someone?" Sweater asks casually. The rubber band ball is back in action. It flies across the room.

"Aw, Ryan! I'm flattered, but you're not my type."

"Jenny's sister is best friends with this girl whose younger sister would be perfect for you."

Esposito stares at the camera, shakes his head.

"Thanks, but that's a little too many connections for me. It's like telephone. Once it goes through too many people, it's no good. Is she a serial killer? A politician? A publicist? Tell her that her friend's friend's best friend's husband's friend isn't looking for a relationship at the moment."

Beckett ducks her head, grins.

5 p.m.:

The boys are knee deep in RoShamBo.

(What's with the fancy name? Isn't it just rock, paper, scissors?)

"I'm just saying the loch ness monster could exist. It's like Bigfoot." Castle shakes out paper. Esposito cuts him. "I'm telling you, I'm right."

"Is he going to live on our moon crater with us, Castle?" Beckett teases.

Our. Us.

He notices.

She notices.

He gets clobbered by a rock.

Question 10: In the books and even in the movie, Detective Raley didn't have a first name. Was that a creative choice? We know Ochoa did. Why not Raley?

"What do you mean? Raley had a first name." He stops to think about it for a second. "Wait, he did, right? He must have! James? Collin? Sean? It was definitely Sean! " Castle opens the door. "Ryan, do you have a copy of Heat Wave?"

SV does. It's a little weird. Hero worship?

The novelist sits down and starts shuffling through the pages. Beckett leans back against the couch. She rolls her eyes, taps her foot impatiently. She's entirely unamused.

"Here it is. Oh no, that's not it." More pages shuffle. He flips forward. Then back. Then forward. "It has to be in here."

"Castle," Beckett says exasperated. "You've never used his name."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Ryan tell me?"

"I was waiting for the DVD features to let the world know," she answers sarcastically.

Question 11: How long have you two been sleeping together?

Beckett looks mortified when the video ends. Rick - on the other hand - can't stop smiling. He's the star of his own movie and he loves every single second of it. It figures that he would. The guy has been hamming it up in front of the camera all day. He can't actually believe in the loch ness monster and Bigfoot and life on the moon, can he?

"You can't use this, Seth."

Okay, now he actually feels kind of bad. She's gorgeous, sweet when the camera isn't shoved in her face. He holds up his hands like he's protecting himself. She can't shoot in him the precinct, right? "I wasn't going to. I have enough footage for the DVDs. I was -" He has to take the fall. He needs the money, the boys will kill him if he spills. "I was bored. These jobs, they're all the same. One thing led to another, I asked the guys about you dating and -" He stops. "I have one more thing to show you."

He gives them across to his screen. The last part of Horizontal Mambo 2012.

Confessions.

Esposito & Ryan

The boys are grinning like morons on the couch next to each other. "Why do we think Beckett and Castle are dating? Hm. Beckett, the next time you shower try not using Castle's soap. It's a bit manly for you -"

"Dude," Esposito cuts in. "You're going with the soap?"

"What?! She smells like him."

"I can't even with you right now. Beckett, we see you coming in here in the morning to work out in Columbia University shirts. You didn't go, but who does?"

"Castle's daughter! You touch his hands too much."

"Yeah, guys, seriously? You're about as subtle as Ryan is in his love of Castle."

Rick laughs, even Beckett manages a smile. She glances at Rick, puts her hand down on the couch near his, but not touching. It's kind of cute. It's actually really cute.

"Oh there was also that time Castle picked the flowers off the side of the road and handed them to Beckett."

"No, that was before they were dating."

"Oh, really? It's been hard to tell."

The screen changes; Dr. Parish appears. Shit, how did he not see that dead body behind her earlier? Gross.

Lanie

"How did I know Beckett and Castle were dating? Please. The hotdog vender knows. Also, Castle, you can disguise your voice as Beckett's dad all you want, but you sound nothing like him. Also, don't think I didn't notice that hickey on your neck after Labor Day weekend, Kate Beckett. Girl, you need a different color cover up. Castle, you do anything to hurt her and I will show you firsthand what I do to those bodies in my morgue."

Well isn't she pleasant.

And speaking of the word:

Iron Gates.

In all her evil queen glory.

"I don't know why I'm even answering this but truthfully, I thought the two of you were dating before I even got there. I want you both in my office to discuss this little partnership of yours. And I swear to god, Mr. Castle, if you call the mayor to handle this for you all bets are off." She pauses for a moment, debates, and there's maybe a teeny, tiny, miniscule smile on her lips. It quickly disappears. "You two might also want to work on your subtly for future occasions. Making out in the stairwell would be a good thing to avoid in trying to keep a relationship hidden."

The video clicks off. Now all he can picture is Iron Gates doing a sexual harassment video. No sex in the stairwell, the beds, the break room, ever.

It would be fun.

Beckett's head is buried in her hands again and she's shaking her head.

"I guess we don't have to hide anymore," Rick shrugs.

"That's your takeaway from this, Castle? That we don't have to hide anymore? She's going to force you out of here!"

"If it helps, I really don't think she will. She's actually rather fond of you, Detective Beckett. She can clearly leave Mr. Castle, but she knows he's an asset to your team."

Beckett looks at him skeptically. She's probably never letting a camera near her again. "What makes you say that?"

He taps the camera. "She mentioned it in her interview. I distinctly remember thinking I was hallucinating that she said something nice."

"Gates? That last woman on the video? She called Castle an asset?"

"Twice."

Shit, he wishes he was filming this. She smiles, wide and beautiful and he can practically see the stress ease off her in waves. "It's good. It's out there." She turns to Rick, rests her hand over his chest. Quick recovery of being embarrassed. "We should go see her. Get it over with."

"I'm right behind you."

"Seth, it was - it was interesting to meet you."

"Pleasure is all mine, Detective Beckett. And I promise, none of this will be on the featurette. That footage came out great."

"I can only imagine."

She walks out of the room and Rick turns to him. "All right. How much did the boys pay you to spy on us?"

Fuck. Fuckity, fuck, fuck.

"Mr. Castle -"

"Rick. And I'll pay you triple to come to the Old Haunt bar on Saturday night. Beckett is going to want revenge on the guys."

"How does she -"

"Read the books, Seth. The reason Nikki Heat is one of the greatest detectives Manhattan has ever seen is because Kate is. She didn't buy your lie for a second. Triple. Four times as much if it ends up as the Easter egg on the DVD collection. Do we have a deal?"

Best. Job. Ever.

"We have a deal."

End Notes: Let me say that trying to write like an episode of The Office became nearly impossible and therefore it became this. I don't even know. The fine folks at Castle will do this much, much better. Thank god!