What a Pain! - Chapter Thirty-Six

Anita, Amanda and Lucy stormed out, slammed the door and tromped out to their waiting vehicle, not caring they were still in their Speedos, bikini tops and heels.

"Guys...I...really... that wasn't what was..."

"Kelley," Johnny interrupted with a quiet, snarling staccato, "I think you need to shut up."

"What was that *hic * all about anyway?" Marco inquired, flicking a stray sequin from his pant leg. He looked up and blinked hazily at his crew mates, "That one chick was hairrrry! Woo!"

Lopez had been so appalled by the behavior of the "bailarines", that he was eagerly polishing off his fourth beer in little more than an hour. "Out of hand" didn't begin to describe things.

"Chet?" Roy asked wearily, "Couldn't you just have had the party and left it at that?"

Kelley grimaced. "I...I just wanted you guys to knock off that phony lovey-dovey act you've been putting on. I thought maybe a couple'a hot chicks would make you drop your guard!"

Marco burped loudly. "Who says it's phony, Chet?"

"Marc! C'mon, don't gimme that, man; I know you're in on it too!"

Marco muffled another belch, then looked at his friend with a bemused expression on his face and shrugged a silent "Who? Me?"

Roy intervened again. "Okay, how about we all just head for home? Chet, nice try, but I think this is probably the last party you should ever try to throw. Ever."

He helped his grumbling partner from the chair and handed him the crutches. Johnny grabbed them from Roy and scowled at Chet, mumbling about "big, hairy hands" and "creepy guys dressin' up like chicks..."

When Chet tried to help, Roy put up a hand to stop him in his place. He was beginning to feel like a traffic cop.

"Ever. Chet."

Marco stood there, watching, teetering ever so slightly.

"Marco, give me your keys and go get in my truck," DeSoto told him.

"Y-yeah, okay, See ya' Chet ol' buddy", Marco jabbered. He turned his back to the others as he covertly piled a 'to-go' plate with snacks, "Yep, I'll see ya'"

Stoker sighed and shook his head. Leave it to Chet Kelley to make an evening more than memorable.

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

"Man, that Kelley has some nerve!" Johnny griped again, "As if we haven't been through enough in the past three weeks!" He attempted to pace, but "these infernal crutches" prevented it. He settled for standing beside the kitchen counter and thumping a fist in his hand.

Roy was exhausted. Before they left Chet's, it was all he could do to keep Johnny from making things worse. He went so far as to clamp his hand over his partner's mouth and pushing him as gently as he could out the door. Roy had taken an embarrassed Mike and a furious Johnny back to Stoker's place, and although Marco said he'd stay and help clean up, he'd clearly had a couple of beers too many. DeSoto delivered him into Mama Lopez's tender loving care.

Roy sat on a kitchen chair, his head down on his folded arms. Johnny finally sat down near him and expounded on the many ways he was going to exact revenge on Chet.

Sir Pain-in-the-Butt sat at Mike's feet and mewed his disapproval of the tension in the room, as Mike leaned against the kitchen counter and gazed through the window. He knew Gage's rant was going to take a while, so he made a few mental notes on how he wanted to fix up the back yard and his garden.

"Maybe a couple of peach trees would be nice," he mused.

Johnny went on and on until he noticed Roy. DeSoto's head was still down on the table and he was silent, yet his shoulders were shaking. Clearly something wasn't right. Johnny stopped mid-rant.

"Roy? What's wrong? Pally?"

The abrupt lull in Gage's prattling was enough to draw Mike's attention back to the scene at the kitchen table. A concerned Sir Pain leaped to the table top and began sniffing around Roy's head. Roy startled the cat when he popped his head up suddenly and Sir Pain sat back in alarm.

Tears were welled in Roy's eyes as he drew in an enormous breath. He was laughing! No, he was more than laughing, he was gasping and guffawing!

"Roy? Wha...what's so funny?"

"Hoo-hoo-hoo...You are, Junior!" Roy sniffed and wiped a tear, "You're squawking around here like Chet kicked your dog or something and if you'd just stop yakking for a minute, you'd see that even if those dancing guys weren't what Chet intended...that was hilarious!"

John sputtered, "What? Roy! You thought that was funny? A bunch'a guys dressed up like chicks and dancin' all over the place, those big ol' tree stumps of legs in those high heels...and...and wrappin' their arms around...aw, man...whose side are you on?" Gage shuddered at the memory.

Mike had turned back toward the sink window and started chuckling to himself. Johnny heard the muted snickering coming from the engineer and stood there, completely thunderstruck.

He snapped his jaws closed then huffed, "I...I don't believe you two!"

Mike looked at him, "Gage...r-really...think a-bout th-that scene. Big, b-beefy chicks in heels a-and S-Speedos? Ser-iously, wh-what is nnnot funny a-bout that?"

John turned around, prepared to stay indignant, when a tiny smile tugged at the side of his mouth. Marco's expression had been pretty funny when Anita Margarita wrapped her pearls around Lopez's neck and began the strip-tease. And when Amanda Playwith ran her fingers through Mike's hair and left him looking like he'd been in a windstorm, Johnny had to admit that Stoker had looked pretty ridiculous. He chose to not think about the places Lucy Morals had put her hands.

His vexation diffused, John started to think about how Chet's party had started out as a great time and dissolved into the most ludicrous exhibition he'd ever seen.

"Well...at least Chet thinks he blew it..." Johnny consoled himself with a grin, "Man, that Lucy chick was just plain scary!" Then Gage thought some more, "Ya' know, I have seen cross-dressers before and most of 'em are pretty convincing, but these dudes didn't even come close- did you see that one guy's hairy back?" He hung his head in defeat and began to snicker. "Okay," he said, "I guess it is pretty funny...when I think about it."

He thumped over to Stoker and poked him in the chest. "You know Chet planned all of that because he can't handle us pretending to be together. He came completely unhinged!"

Mike swatted Johnny's hand away. "Stop th-that, Gage. Yeah, o-kay...mmmaybe we did g-go a little too f-far."

Sir Pain was blithely licking his paws and washing his ears as he sat looking from one man to the other. When the doorbell rang, he jumped down and followed Stoker as he walked to the door and sneaked a peek at who was there. On the stoop was a sad-faced Chet Kelley, looking for all the world like a condemned man on the way to the gallows.

He sneaked back to the kitchen and announced in a loud whisper, "It's K-Kelley. Are we g-gonna tell him the t-truth?"

"Aw, jeez, Chet's here? Now he's gonna play the whole 'I didn't mean it' card and try to make us feel guilty." Johnny looked from Mike to Roy then sighed deeply, "A'right, let's see what he has to say." His skepticism toward Chet Kelley being apologetic for anything was only outpaced by his own desire to see the man squirm.

"Chet." Mike acknowledged as he opened the door.

"Uh, hey, Stoker. Can I uh, can I come in?"

"Suit yourself."

Kelley walked in and reached down to pat Sir Pain. The cat sniffed Chet's hand, then cocked his head, let out a high-pitched little "mrrrrrp" and began sniffing at the man's shoes. He sat back, clearly annoyed by Chet's presence.

Chet squinted one eye and made a face as he watched Sir Pain size him up. "What's your cat's problem, Stoker. You get him to be mad at me too?"

"H-Hey, Pain knows what he-he's do-ing. If he's mmmad at you, he-he's got a rrreason," Mike told him.

Roy and Johnny made their way into the living room. Roy stood there, trying desperately not to crack up, and Johnny balanced on his crutches, deliberately glaring at Chet.

"Guys, just listen to me...please? That wasn't what I had planned, I swear! I...I just...I wanted to lighten things up, you know, shake you up a little. I just asked my friend Ronnie to send over some, uh, "party guests" for you guys."

"Go on," Gage prompted.

Chet exhaled, then sat meekly on Stoker's sofa, looking up at the guys with pleading eyes.

"Really, guys, I'm not kidding. Ronnie told me he'd send the best ones he had from the club, and..." Chet's voice trailed off as Mike Stoker moved in closer.

"W-Wait, wait, wait. Wh-Who is Ron-nie, Chet? Don't t-tell me those...th-those 'dan-cers' came from that j-jerk, Ronnie Samuel-son?"

"Well...yeah," Chet admitted. "He's the guy who has that strip club on Gardena, remember? We had a call there a couple years ago? With all those chicks in bikinis wandering around?" Chet desperately added another "Remember?"

"Come on, Chet," Mike laughed, "Y-you never ch-checked it out f-first? Th-that hasn't b-been a strip c-club since th-that f-fire. It w-was a p-pool hall for a-bout a year, th-then it was a hang-out f-for bookies. Chet, i-it's a gay nnnight-club, now!"

Chet winced and curled his upper lip. "B-But Ronnie never told me that! I swear! They were supposed to be three really hot babes! Really!"

Sir Pain jumped up beside Chet and inspected him again from head to toe, sniffing everything from Chet's hair to his fingernails to his kneecaps. The cat had his mouth slightly opened, his tail swished urgently and he quietly chirruped and "mrrffed" as he continued to scrutinize the contrite man. Mike smiled as he watched his pal study Chet.

Chet scowled suspiciously and pulled away from the cat, "Pa-ain! Beat it! Man, what's with this cat?" He tried to push Sir Pain away, but the cat moved closer; Chet sighed loudly. "Anyway, what I wanted to say was...Stoker, Gage, if you guys are..." he swallowed hard, "uh, gonna be a couple, then...then it's okay with me."

Unable to keep it in any longer, Roy and Johnny both snorted a short laugh. Mike turned around, biting the inside of his cheeks and squeezing his eyes tightly to keep from breaking up. Try as he might, Gage couldn't contain the smile that broke out.

"Chet..."

Kelley, having been preoccupied with the nosy cat, hadn't seen the expressions on his friends' faces and interrupted, "No, just hear me out, Gage. I admit, I was really weirded out at first, but, well, after tonight, I just figured, que sera, sera, you know? I mean, you're my friends and all, and I guess if Cap's okay with it...well, I am too." He looked down to the floor, "That's all I came over here to say."

Johnny was becoming weary of standing in one spot and decided to sit down. "Roy, can you give me a hand here?" he asked, pointing to the recliner.

Roy held Johnny's forearms and eased Gage backwards into the chair. DeSoto remained standing as Mike sat down next to Chet. Stoker stole a glance at Johnny who rolled his eyes and nodded discretely. Mike scootched closer to Chet and slyly picked up Kelley's hand in his. Chet flinched slightly, but Stoker held on. Johnny and Roy looked away before they lost their self-control completely.

"Chet... J-Johnny and I h-have some-thing to tell y-you," Stoker said, sincerely.

"Uh...okay..."

Johnny dug his fingers into the armrests, anxious for Chet's reaction, but at that moment, Sir Pain sneezed at Chet and hopped off the sofa. He stalked to the front door, plopped down on the parquet floor and yowled loudly to be let out.

"Arrgh!" Johnny groaned and flopped his head on the back of the recliner. This was agonizing!

Annoyed at being interrupted by the cat, Chet snarled, "Stoker, I don't know why your cat hates me all of a sudden; I never did anything to him."

Roy motioned for Mike to keep sitting and went to the front door. He reached down to pat Sir Pain, then let the cat outside.

"I dunno, Ch-Chet," Mike said, "Pain see-eems to be on t-to you- I think he's knows y-you did some-thing bad to-day," he laughed.

Chet made a face. "Sure he does," he griped.

"Anyway," Stoker continued, "Wh-What I want-ed to tell y-you before, Chet, was, w-well..." Mike exaggeratedly batted his eyelashes at Kelley, "Chet, it's all b-bull-shit."

Chet was mystified for a moment. Then, looking between Mike, John and Roy, who all snorted and choked, realization hit.

"You...you...you guys...it was all...it was a put-on?"

Mike nodded and grinned hugely. Roy was howling and Johnny practically sobbed with laughter.

Chet stood up; he looked from man to man. "I KNEW IT!" he yelled. "I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE FAKIN' IT! I don't BELIEVE you! All that 'Johnny loves Mikey' crap and...and the moving in together...and telling me Cap was okay with all of it...it was ALL bull!"

This was the official Chet Kelley Train Wreck and any control that Roy still possessed was obliterated; he needed to sit down. Johnny held his stomach and laughed until he couldn't speak. Mike had draped himself over the arm of the sofa and was pounding his fist on its side. To them, every furious gasping squeak Chet uttered was funnier than the one before.

Chet realized he'd been had. They...Gage, Stoker, DeSoto, Lopez and even Captain Stanley had pulled something over on him and despite his initial second-guessing, in the end, he'd fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.

When the laughter died down a little, Chet looked at them. "Well...I guess you guys had your fun. I tried to lighten things up after all the crap you've been through and this is how you thank me," he pouted.

Johnny rolled his eyes, "Aw, come off it, Kelley! If you hadn't messed up that whole 'party guest' thing, you would be the one laughing at us right now and you know it!"

Chet opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again. A smile formed, "Yeah... okay. You're right, you got me, you win, I lose, game over, finis! I don't know how I'll be able to show my face around The Phantom again..."

"Chet," Johnny groaned, "shut up. You've been pulling crap on us, well, okay, mostly me, for years."

"Y-Yeah, Chet," Mike added, "I'd sssay you p-pretty much de-served this one."

Over the escalating voices, Roy called for a cease-fire. "Look, guys, how about we agree that Johnny and Mike pulled a good one over on The Phantom, and that it's all over now, eh? It's getting late and I gotta get up early tomorrow."

Chet paused, grinned and stuck out his hand to Gage, "Oh, okay. Truce?"

Gage raised an eyebrow suspiciously, but offered his hand back, "Yeah...okay. Truce."

"Mike?" Chet asked.

Mike laughed, "Sure, Kelley. Truce."

The four of them looked at each other rather uncomfortably for a few moments, then Roy said, "Okay. Now that that's done, I think I'm going to take off. It's been one for the record books, fellas."

Chet walked to the door, then looked back at Roy, Mike and Johnny. "I can't believe you got me; but... you got me. I"ll see ya' later." He strolled slowly down the sidewalk to his waiting van. Sir Pain-in-the-Butt sat on the concrete near his vehicle's door and looked up at Chet as he approached.

"Well, fuzz-face, you still mad at me?" Chet asked the feline.

Sir Pain stood and rubbed up against Chet's leg and began to purr. The man braced his hand on the open van window and stooped over to pat the little cat on the head.

"Hmm, guess you're over whatever had you all honked off, eh? You're a nice guy, Pain, I'd hate to see us at odds." He smiled and gently shooed the cat away, out of the path of his van, grinning as Sir Pain trotted happily up to Stoker's front door and sat down, meowing to be let in.

Chet kept his eyes on Sir Pain as he opened the door and slid inside. As he turned the key in the ignition, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of something.

"Yeeech," he griped, "what is that?" He looked all around the seat, the dashboard, the van door and passenger seat and found nothing amiss. The scent was rather noxious and Chet was getting irritated by his inability to detect the source. Finally, he opened the door and slid from the vehicle. He searched the floor boards and even under his shoes. Suddenly, his eyes noticed something strange about the seat he had just vacated: a thin, brown line ran the length of the leather seat from the back of it all the way to the front. Dread filled Chet's brain as awareness came to him.

"Aw, no. No, no, no, no...NO!" he yelled. He bent down to examine the stain and knew immediately that it was the source of the awful smell.

"Pain!" He smacked a hand to his forehead and growled loudly as he rubbed the hand down his face. Sir Pain-in-the-Butt had left him a gift and he'd sat right in it!

Stoker opened the door to let Sir Pain in and watched Chet stomp around to the back of the van to root around for some shop rags. "Whatsa' matter, Chet?" Stoker called out.

"What's the matter? What's the matter? I'll show you what's the matter, Stoker! Your cat left me a little going-away present!" Chet turned around and showed off the long brown stripe that now ran the length of his backside.

Mike called Roy and Johnny to the door and the three men laughed long and loud as Chet wiped angrily at his pants. Stoker reached down to pick up his feline friend and held him to his chest.

"You are quite the pain-in-the-butt, aren't you, buddy", he told the cat affectionately. "Thanks, pal, I owe ya' one."

He turned to go inside and the others followed him. It really was all going to be okay.