Author's Notes: Okay, so I know that I've already got stories in progress, and the last thing I could possibly need would be more stories to work on. Rest assured, I am in fact writing all of them, next "Of Dogs and Men" chapter is 80 percent complete, next "Castle's Key" chapter is about 50 percent complete. Nothing will be abandoned without giving it the best shot I can. The thing is; writing fanfiction is something I do when I need a break from other work, so I usually just end up working on whatever catches my immediate interest. I am sorry, because I know well the agony of waiting for an author to keep updating his/her work, it sucks. I know. But this one just kept begging in my mind to be written, so here it is.

Hogwarts Great Hall, September 1st, 1991

Utterly frightened, little Harry Potter sat on the stool at the head of the Great Hall, and the stern old witch put the Sorting Hat upon his head. What if the hat just stayed silent? Would he have to go back to the Dursleys? Unbidden, one line kept repeating through his head, "Not Slytherin…not Slytherin…not Slytherin…"

"Not Slytherin, eh?"

Ah! There was a voice in his head! "W-what?"

"It's a noble house, you know, and it would certainly help you on your way to greatness."

No, Ron had been very clear, and Hagrid had said much the same, all the wizards in Slytherin went bad, "No, I don't want to be a bad wizard…"

"Bah! Such childish notions. Not all wizards in Slytherin are bad, young Harry. Remember that. Still, perhaps Ravenclaw?"

Okay, they were the smart ones. Harry didn't know if he'd be able to do as well as the others. They were probably all going to be awesome at magic, but, "I-I do like reading, I guess…"

"Indeed, it seems you have quite the thirst, but you don't want knowledge for knowledge's sake, do you? All that hard work you've done, however…Hufflepuff?"

Right, the leftovers. Yeah, that sounded about right for him…"Would I make friends there?"

"You certainly would, but I can sense something far more dominant in your nature. No, you would be stifled in the house of badgers, as much as She wishes it was otherwise."

Huh? Who was it talking about? "Umm…She, mister Hat?"

"The Lady Hogwarts, our lovely castle; I am but her voice. And I suppose that leaves Gryffindor. An excellent house, the very one your parents belonged to, you know."

That's right! His parents had gone here, maybe the hat could, "My parents! They were-"

"Yes, bold and courageous the two of them, exemplifying the best of the house of lions. Hmm. What to do with you…" And then out loud, for suddenly Harry heard the Hat's voice with his ears and not merely in his head, it continued, "Albus, we have an oddity here. The Lady is most distraught but sees no other way of going about it."

"Indeed, Hat? I was certain that young Harry would be welcome here, why does She disagree?"

"Oh, not about that, Albus, Mr. Potter is more than welcome. She's quite upset over another issue. She says that She loves you and thanks you for all you've done for the school, but the only place for young Mr. Potter here is HEADMASTER!"

With that, the Headmaster's golden throne began to wobble and shake before suddenly doubling, a smaller throne popping away from the side and coming to rest to the left of Professor Dumbledore.

Oh, bollocks…

Author's Notes: I admit that I am kind of tempted to try and write a serious(ly humorous) story out of this crack. Thoughts?