Confusing Illusions I've Seen

Disclaimer: Song lyrics used are from 'Farther Along' by Josh Garrels. Heard it on a Supernatural music video and fell in love. xD Deep, deep meaningful shit.

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates

But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home.

…

"How I feel, this... inside me - I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." – Dean Winchester.

-x-

He was managing fine, until the memories returned.

Yeah, his sleep was disturbed by unseeable horrors and there were times when the dark seemed to be too confining (shadowing closing in trapping him) and maybe he slept deeper and zoned out a bit more.

But he was good.

On the Hell front, at least; because what was going on with his brother was more than enough for him to focus on. He didn't need something else. Especially not memories of his time way done under.

Not now.

But even so, he'd coped well enough. (If you could call it coping and maybe he wasn't dealing with things the way he should be but screw that, it was his life his memories his, his death his deal).

He was bound to break, though. Was counting down the days since, since he'd remembered. Since that ghost sickness and the dogs and Lilith and, and crap it was forty years.

He was bound to break…

And break he did.

Dean Winchester keep something this big locked up and not spill to his brother? Yeah, right. (The brother he was supposed to protect; the brother he went to Hell for; the brother he couldn't keep shit from and it was Dad's last words all over again only it wasn't save Sam or kill him this time, it was stop Sam or we will and dammit, damn it all but he broke).

It was like a dam wall. Once there was a slight crack there, the water started trickling out… more and more until it was streaming, gushing, and he couldn't stop it didn't know how.

He let it out.

What he'd suffered.

What he'd done.

...What he'd felt.

And he wished, God he wished he could stop because he didn't want Sammy to know, didn't want to drop the game-face he lived behind… but he couldn't.

So he didn't.

-x-

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton

Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright.

…

"I was pretty far gone myself sometimes, but you never gave up on me." – Sam Winchester

-x-

He wasn't coping well, since the Wall broke.

Sure, he didn't look like he was barely inches away from stark-raving-mad but he hid it well and learned to pretend it was okay, he was okay, until he almost believed it himself.

But he wasn't.

He couldn't afford to dwell on it though because what his brother was going through was so much more important. He wanted to help and not be a burden and he couldn't afford having to deal with, with the Devil in his head.

Not now.

But he tried to make it work. He made it work, for a while at least. (If you could even count it as successful when the only way to anchor himself without alerting anyone was pressing a slowly-healing painful wound. Over and over and over again until he wondered whether he'd become resistant to the pain).

What he didn't count on was having to eventually acknowledge that part of his mind, that was crazy and stuck and crap but he wasn't real.

He was bound to let him in…

And he did.

Sam Winchester be strong enough to keep away something this big and not have his brother find out? Yeah, right. (The brother he was supposed to help; the brother who'd brought his soul back and had the faith to keep him there; the brother he couldn't keep hiding this from and he knew Dean noticed even if his mind wasn't always there, and it was the demon blood and secrets all over again, lying to protect him and dammit, damn it all but he couldn't).

His Wall had shattered and he was its' remains. The ruins it left were playing trick after vicious trick on his mind, breaking him and he couldn't stop it didn't know how.

He caved in.

Let Lucifer run free.

...Because what else could he do?

And he wished, God he wished he could stop it because he never wanted Dean to find out like this, never wanted to be another burden his brother had to carry and save and fix, didn't want to let go the façade he'd carefully constructed to hide it all… but he couldn't.

So he didn't.

A/N :- *takes a breath* I... *lets it out* I don't know. I don't know where this came from or what it is, but I wanted to write about how different each brother's reactions to their trips to Hell were... but how, really, they weren't different at all. *blinks* If that made sense.

I blame the psychologist-wannabe part of my mind. xP

Nah, seriously though; Sam and Dean may have coped with their hell memories in different ways, but what I'm getting at is that they weren't all that different at the end. And it's not possible to say that either of them dealt better, because they're both different. Sam's got a strong enough will-power to keep freaking Lucifer at bay, but once he let him in once, that was it. He couldn't really block him out again. Dean, on the other hand... well, I think that with Deano it was more of a 'shove it out of the way and don't acknowledge it' kind of coping mechanism. He definitely had enough to think about and deal with, with Sammy's whole demon thing going on. And while I do think he was broken, it wasn't... I don't know, it hadn't gotten to all of him. He was able to channel it into anger, at least, when facing those dickhead angels and crap.

...*crickets chirp* 'kay, I'm gunna, uh, stop being deep and analysing shit now... heh. (-note to dodo- *glares warningly* don't. say anything.)

Um, right. Long AN's are a problem of mine. xP Let me know your thoughts on the issue? How do you think their coping mechanisms (or, well, whatever you wanna call... whatever it is they did) worked/differ?

~iz.