"It's really going to happen, isn't it? Those two, I mean."
Britta finally realized this out loud, as she and the group saw Jeff and Annie leave the study room one November morning, for one of their private adventures.
"It's interesting," Abed started. "There's something undeniably off about life in Greendale since September. But with Jeff and Annie getting closer, the hope is we'll get too swept up in them finally coming together to notice. It's a rather cynical way to pay off years of waiting. But I suppose it's the best we can get, under the unpleasant circumstances."
"Was any of that an answer to Britta's question? That's all we really needed, you know," Shirley pointed out.
"Hmm. It appears complex satire really is less appreciated now. Even the fact that Jeff and Annie will happen soon doesn't hide all of that. But the simple and less innovative answer to your question is yes," Abed revealed.
"At least that's simple!" Shirley voiced. "Why didn't this happen last year, when I knew it was sinful and wrong! But now….I guess they've been wearing us down over time." Britta even nodded her agreement with Shirley, which really drove it home.
"Yep, it's happening, all right," Pierce even realized. "Now the only question is where they're going to bang first."
"Ooh, ooh I got this!" Troy vowed, but stopped instead of answering. "No, Annie hates that place. Wait, wait…..no, Jeff couldn't use his cell phone there. Come on, brain, you made me punch the TV on Kickpuncher 6 night, so you owe me one!"
"Well, it shouldn't waste it answering a gross Pierce question!" Britta objected.
"What? This is a good gross Pierce question!" Pierce insisted. "Jeff's been trying not to make Annie his beard for years! But he can't do it anymore, because pretending he doesn't want to pretend to love sex with Annie hurts too much! Who can blame him, really? Once he finally admits he wants Annie to pretend to be with him, he won't wait to be let down by straight sex for one more second!"
The group enacted their usual silence over Pierce's gross, homophobic ranting – but not entirely out of disgust.
In fact, Troy even said, "Brain, you just said that a Pierce argument made sense, other than the gay parts! If this is you warning me that the world's going to end next month…..message received, buddy!" He shook in fear, but then said, "Oh, and that's your next best idea for where they're going to have sex? Even with the world ending?"
"The world's not going to end because Pierce is kind of right! I think…." Shirley said unconvincingly. "But as wrong as it still is in some ways…..once Jeff and Annie finally get together, they'll probably sin it up big time."
"And on the study table right off the bat," Britta lamented.
"Okay, now who's gross and sick?" Pierce complained. "Their first time's going to be in the Dean's office! Jeff's new at straight sex, so he'll do it where one of his own kind lives first! Then he'll do it in Britta's house, Fat Neil's dungeon and Vicki's dragon cave in Hell to get the hang of it!"
"Just when I think you can't get any more delusional," Britta complained. "It'll be on the study table because that's where Jeff banged me, and he'll have to one up it with Annie! See what happens when you use your brain, buddy?"
"I don't want to listen to your demon brains!" Shirley objected. "This is a sick argument about something I'm still not that comfortable with!" Yet after a pause, she continued with, "But if Jeff and Annie defied God by having their first premarital sex in bed, where it's romantic, they could be up for Hell parole in 500 years. Hell, then I'd be a character witness for them from Heaven…..at least in the second parole hearing."
"Well, it's going to be in a gay office, so you can clear your schedule!" Pierce insisted.
"Oh my God, your denial is worse than Jeff's! How else does study room table not make sense to you?" Britta complained.
"Lots of ways!" Shirley answered for Pierce. "If Jeff's really better for Annie now, he's got to do it in a bed, the way God intended! He's got to follow Him in one way once in his life, it might as well be this one!"
"BROOM CLOSET!" Troy suddenly yelled. "That's all I got, I don't know why! Just put me down for broom closet so I can't debate my brain anymore! Oh, yeah right, brain, like you don't knowwhy!"
"Why don't we ignore that forever?" Britta tried to make Troy stop, then turned to Abed. "Abed, you're a computer….is what lazier psych majors than myself would say! Go on, show them up and tell us where Jeff and Annie are doing it first!"
"Oh no, you're not Britta'ing this! He doesn't get to ruin this bet, and neither do you!" Pierce voiced. "Don't worry, A-bed, you don't have to give away that it's in the Dean's office yet! Not until I get to win money off it!"
"Right, like this needed to get any dirtier. I still have a soul left somehow, so I'm out of here," Shirley prepared to go.
"Fine. But once all of us except A-bed pony up 50 bucks, I'll have a cool $200 for being right," Pierce bragged.
Shirley froze halfway through getting up and asked, "So if they do it in bed, they have a better shot at Heaven, you lose 200 bucks and I win 200 myself?" With that, she sat right back down. "Maybe there's room for two holy trinities after all!"
"Hold on, we're really serious about this? Starting some kind of sex pool on where they do it?" Britta clarified.
"You said it yourself, there's no stopping them from getting together. And complaining about it isn't as fun as it would have been two years ago. So if we can't stop them, one of us, i.e. me, should at least profit from it! When they do it in another gay guy's office!" Pierce unsubtly pronounced.
"Unless he has a bed in there, that ain't happening! Jeff and Annie still have some of their souls left, and they'll prove it and get me rich all at once!" Shirley declared.
"Broom closet! I have no idea why, but I'm not crawling back to my brain for another answer, so there!" Troy announced.
"You guys…." Britta started, making the group ready to groan at another buzz kill Britta rant. But instead, she yelled, "That much money and you still don't come to your senses? Fine, then you won't mind putting 100 bucks in there with me! That's 400 for me once they do it right in here! Boob-ya! Because Jeff's getting boobs right in this room, for the second time!" With that, Britta stopped and corrected, "But my 400 bucks is the part to remember there…."
"Do you all have a spare 100 dollars to put in?" Abed nitpicked.
"What do you care, you can't join because you know the answer!" Shirley noted. "But don't tell them I'm right until it happens. Let's be merciful and let them live in fairy tale land for a little while, okay?"
"Oh, there's way too many ways to take religion down on that one!" Britta cheered. "But I'm too busy thinking about my 400 bucks and about all of you being wrong. I guess money does change people."
"Oh yeah? Well when I win that money, I'm not changing a damn thing about myself! So I'm double winning!" Pierce promised. "And Jeff wins by staying in the closet and doing it near gay stuff, so that's a three way of winning!"
"And we don't need to make it any more official than that!" Britta mercifully stopped Pierce. "We have a study group bet! It'll be the most lopsided bet ever, but it still counts!"
"Huzzah!" Troy exclaimed, although no one else went that far in celebrating.
Later that afternoon, Abed found Troy pressing his ear against a closed broom closet door. "I thought we were starting our daring all blorgon version of Inspector Spacetime now," Abed questioned.
"After Jeff and Annie make sex noises, okay?" Troy whispered after he led Abed away. "I told them I lost my new lucky bottle cap in there."
"But you have a lucky torn soda bottle label, not a lucky bottle cap," Abed reminded.
"You think I would put that in danger for a bet? What kind of monster do you think I am?" Troy harshly whispered. "Anyway, once they can't find any bottle caps in there, they'll put off telling me and making me cry by boning, and then I'll win the money! I know I'm cheating, I know, but that 400 dollars can pay for so many cool things! Like a-"
"They don't have sex for the first time in a broom closet," Abed deflated Troy's hopes.
In response, Troy's lip quivered and he cried out a little louder, "You couldn't let me dream about buying a LeVar Burton mannequin a little while longer? How cruel are you, Abed?"
"Technically, I'm not supposed to tell anyone that their theory is wrong. But I had to tell you because you're my best friend, and it'd be easier to hear from me. I hope," Abed expressed.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Troy admitted as he wiped his nose. "This is really my brain's fault, anyway. Well, it knows how bad it screwed up, so I should let it turn itself off in shame." After a pause in which he actually seemed to be doing this, Troy snapped out of it and asked, "All blorgon Inspector Spacetime?"
"Cool cool cool. Perhaps mind-blowing originality isn't dead in Greendale after all," Abed announced, doing his handshake with Troy before they headed off together.
But with Troy's brain officially off, he forgot that he left Jeff and Annie in the broom closet, searching for a bottle cap that wasn't there.
"If I wasn't actually doing stuff in a broom closet with my clothes on, I'd find this very funny," Jeff voiced, then went on before Annie focused on the first part. "You Disney faced me to help you with this quest for the magic bottle cap. But Troy cried and guilted you into doing this first! There's some hilarious irony there somewhere."
"First of all, it's a lucky bottle cap, not magic!" Annie nitpicked. "Second, he only came close to crying before I agreed, so there! Third, I have to live with him, so it's not like I could ignore his crying forever! Better to get it out of the way now, right?"
"If that's the inaccurate word you're going with," Jeff shrugged, then stated the next thought that popped into his head. "Do you ever stop and think, 'Wow. I thought that guy was my soul mate in high school'?"
"Probably no more than you say 'Wow, I was into that for two years' when you look at Britta," Annie responded, then quickly backtracked. "Not that you're right to think that! Or that you even do!"
"No, no, original point taken," Jeff left Annie off the hook. "But aside from epic bottle cap searches, it worked out well for you anyway. You got to live with Troy after all, and you wouldn't have met us if you didn't follow him into the group. So wins all around, I guess."
"I could see it that way, couldn't I?" Annie realized. "Just like you could see how things with Britta worked too. It's nice to be friends with someone you used to have sex with, isn't it? Not that I would know, I mean, I know that!" she got sidetracked before carrying on.
"I mean, you used to throw away women you liked, or who liked you. Now you can be friends with them, even with all that history. I like that I can do that with Troy, and I know you like it with Britta and m…." Annie stopped, unable to cover up that she almost said 'me.'
"You dragged me into a closet to look for a bottle cap, so I should let you squirm," Jeff stated. "But against all odds, I'm feeling merciful. God, being friends with exes has changed me."
"More evolved, maybe," Annie felt relieved enough to mention. "I can appreciate that. I mean, I was a crazy schoolgirl nightmare around….guys I liked for a while. I'm glad I evolved out of that….I hope. If being real friends with Troy and….other guys helped me do that and grow up some more, I guess it was worth it. At least it helps people take me more seriously."
"They shouldn't need help with that," Jeff suddenly admitted. He didn't leave himself much wiggle room to backtrack, so he made himself explain further.
"Technically, you haven't been a crazy school girl that much. Not enough that it should overshadow the….not crazy, really cool stuff about you. That should define you a hell of a lot more than those temporary crazy spells. And people who forget that at any time are really, really stupid. Trust me, I know these things," Jeff reminded.
"You do, don't you?"Annie understood. Once Jeff registered that, the closet began to feel really cramped.
He started to walk towards Annie to get some room – or something – but then stopped when Annie lit up. This was a very promising sign – towards something – until Jeff saw her beaming at the corner of the closet instead of at him.
"I found it! Jeff, I found it!" Annie cheered, heading to the corner and picking up an actual bottle cap.
"Huh, what do you know?" Jeff tried to sound level. "Is that his actual bottle cap?"
"I don't know, I've never seen it before. But he'll tell us now, right?" Annie predicted, heading to the door and opening it. Yet instead of seeing Troy nearby, Annie saw no one at all waiting for her.
Jeff then saw he was gone and reverted back to being annoyed. "Hold on here. We're doing all this actual work, and he's not even there to take his bottle cap? Or feel guilty about all this?"
"Abed probably dragged him into his all blorgon Inspector Spacetime game," Annie theorized. "Fortunately, I have experience fighting them off. That means we can get past them and give this to Troy in no time. Come on!"
Jeff was amazed that they almost shared another moment, yet it didn't faze Annie as she focused on getting Troy his cap back. It certainly proved she wasn't a love struck school girl anymore –thank God. Yet he was amazed that he thought "Thank God" more because it wasn't who Annie really was – not because it would spare him more of her schoolgirl wrath.
Then he was amazed he actually followed Annie out to find Troy, instead of making up an excuse to leave.
Well, this bottle cap had better be extra lucky for Troy, at least. It certainly had a mixed legacy already.