Disclaimer:  Blah Blah…I don't own FFX…Yadda Yadda…I don't own Square…Gab Snort…Don't sue it's for shits and grins…

Warning: LANGUAGE.

Author's note:  I did end user support for many years and managed a Help Desk for a time.  I was in the shower and suddenly thought of Kimahri as a HD worker.  I almost fell I laughed so hard.  So, here ya go…

End User Support – FFX Style

So, ever wonder how the Guardians and Summoners of Spira get help in the field?  Our little band of FFX characters gives us a glimpse of what it might be like…

*ring*
Tidus: "Yevon Guardian Support Center, Tidus speaking.  What can I do ya for?"
Caller: "Well, I fell in this pond on Besaid island and I'm getting attacked by these fish!  I was on my way to the beach to play with some friends and I don't have a weapon!!"
Tidus:  "Chill dude.  Tell me, how old are you?"
Caller:  "I'm 10."
Tidus:  "Any magic skills?"
Caller:  "Not really."
Tidus:  "Hmm.  Wait!  Dude, you play Blitz?"
Caller:  "Of course!  You nuts?!"
Tidus:  "Got a ball?"
Caller:  "Yeah."
Tidus:  "Sounds lame, but toss that at the little guys.  Trust me.  It will work."
Caller:  *long pause*  "Cool!  Thanks man!"
Tidus:  "No prob!"
*click*

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

*ring*
Wakka:  "Yevon Guardian Support, Wakka here, ya!  How can I help, ya?"
Caller:  "I'm being attacked by a killer bee and a dinonix.  I'm not sure which one to take out first."
Wakka:  "Hmm.  Tough situation, ya.  What kinda weapon you use?"
Caller:  "I do swords."
Wakka:  "Agility and speed stats, brudda?"
Caller:  "Pretty good.  I'm only 18 and just became a monk, but I'm already above 20 on both."
Wakka:  "Easy answer then, ya!  Go for the Dionix and dodge the bee!"
Caller:  "Thanks for the help."
Wakka:   "No problem, ya!  Call again you get stuck…"
*click*

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

*ring*
Rikku:  *ultra perky*  "Yevon Guardian Support Center, Rikku speaking.  How can I assist you today?"
Caller:  "I'm in deep shit!  I got separated from my Summoner.  I'm in the middle of a desert and there's machina everywhere!"
Rikku:  "Hmmm.  Well that is a bit of a pickle, isn't it?  First things first – what do the machina look like?"
Caller:  "Hell if I know!  They're machina!  What do I know about fuckin' machina!  I'm a Yevonite, not some Al Bhed heathen…"
Rikku:  "Now, now Sir.  No need for name-calling.  I can't tell you how to disable it if you can't describe it.  Let's try this.  How many arms to they have?"
Caller:  "Uh…one."
Rikku:  "Good!  See, that was easy!  That makes it a Guard, a Gunner, or a Scout.  Let's try and narrow further…"
Caller:  "OUCH!!"
Rikku:  "You still there, Sir?  You OK?"
Caller:   "Damn thing shot me!"
Rikku:   "Great!!"
Caller: "Whattaya mean 'Great!'?  That HURT, lady!"
Rikku:  "Sorry, just excited.  If it shoots, ya got a Mech Gunner there.  We're almost done!  Here's what you do.  Run up to the thing while it charges and swipe a bolt from the arm joint next to the torso.  If it still doesn't fall apart, run back and pull the first green wire you see then split!"
Caller:  "You sure about this, lady?"
Rikku:  "You betcha!"
Caller:  *long pause*  *explosion*  "Wow!  Worked like a charm!  You kick ass!"
Rikku:   "All in a day's work!  Have a happy!"
*click*

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

*ring*
Lulu:  "Guardian Support Center.  Lulu at your service."
Caller:  "I am having a difficulty.  My Summoner wanted to go into this cavern to explore.  She says she found some scroll telling about a 'hidden' Aeon or something.  I thought it was a stupid idea, but she wouldn't listen.  Now I'm in here, and there are these elements that don't seem to have any vulnerabilities!"
Lulu:  *voice concerned*  Cavern?  Where?  You aren't between the Calm Lands and Gagazet are you!?"
Caller:  "Yeah.  Why?"
Lulu:  *almost panicked* "Hold please!"
Lulu:  *while caller is on hold*  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…Gotta get it together Lulu.  Can't let another Summoner down on this one… *takes deep breath and then clicks back in with the caller*
Lulu:  *very controlled voice*  "This will be a Dark Element, Sir.  You are correct.  It will have no normal elemental weakness.  Unless your Summoner is with you, or you have non-elemental magical skills such as Flare, you will simply have to hack at the thing until it dissipates."
Caller:  "Oh crap!"
Lulu:   "Your other choice is quite simple, Flee."
Caller:  "Flee?"
Lulu:  "Yes, Flee – as in run away, abscond, depart, eschew, leave off, beat a retreat, turn tail, cut and run, desert, slink away, turn one's heel, bolt, make oneself scarce, escape…"
Caller:  "I got the point there, Lady!"
Lulu:  "Good, I highly recommend this course of action.  Your situation requires a specialist and you should obtain one before proceeding further."
Caller:  "But what about my Summoner?" 
Lulu:  "Well, did you have a VERY large amount of money when you got there?"
Caller:  "What's that got to do with it?"
Lulu:  "Honestly, if you can't shout for the woman and have her come running, she's probably already toast.  Yojimbo is an expensive Aeon and if she can't pay him, she'll never make it out alive.  If you value your own skin, you'll go.  Go now."
Caller:  "You know, you weren't very helpful Lady." 
Lulu:  "Sorry, but some things you simply can't fix over the phone.  Better luck next time…"
*click*

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

*ring*
Kimahri:  Summoner Support.  Kimahri.
Caller:  "Hi, Kimahri!  So, I'm following my Summoner down the Miihen Road and we get tired and decide to stay at an Al Bhed travel stop for the night and I'm like, …
Kimahri:  *pulls phone from ear and stares at it then places it back to ear*
Caller:  "…'so do you really think the Al Bhed are heathens?' and she's like 'I dunno, they seem nice enough.' …"
Kimahi:  *looks perplexed, pushes the mute button, and places the woman on speaker phone for the rest of the group to hear.*
Caller:  *now on speaker*   "But, anyway, so, like, there's this monster that's messin' with the chocobos, see.  And she says to me, my Summoner that is…"
Kimahri:  *grins with teeth showing while the rest of the office starts to chuckle*
Caller:  "…that we aught to kill the thing and help the nice Al Bhed people out and….
Wakka:  "Wow.   She's talky…"
Tidus:  "Sounds like a babe!"
Yuna:  *glares at Tidus and smacks him in the arm.*
Rikku:  "Well, I think she seems nice…"
Lulu:  "You would, Rikku…"
Caller:  "…now we're really in a mess!  The thing keeps ramming us and we're about to fall into a ditch!  What should I do!?"
Kimahri: *quickly grabs for the handset and hits the mute button*  "Summon Aeon."
Caller:  "Really?  That's it?"
Kimahri:  "Summoner there.  Summon Aeon.  Done."
Caller:  "I shouldn't, like, do something or whatever."
Kimahri:  *growls loudly into the phone* "Aeon."
Caller:  "Uh, ok.  Thanks...I guess."
Kimahri:  *growls again*  "Welcome."
*click*

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

*ring*
Wakka:  "Yevon Guardian Support, Wakka here, ya!  How can I help, ya?"
Caller:  *irate*  "I wanna talk to the manager!"
Wakka:  *looks startled* "Uh, well, what's it about, ya?"
Caller:  "What's it about?!  WHAT'S IT ABOUT!  I'LL TELL YA WHAT IT'S ABOUT YOU INCOMPETANT SON-OF-A-BITCH!  IT'S ABOUT HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU AND ALL YOUR COWORKERS ARE!"
Wakka:  "Well, uh…not sure what we did to upset you, ya, but sure that we can fix it, brudda.   If you just tell me the problem…"
Caller:   "THE PROBLEM IS THAT I WANT THE MANAGER AND YOU ARE A DICK THAT WONT TRANSFER ME!"
Wakka:   "Ok, ok.  But you gonna be sorry…hold, ya."
Wakka:  *presses hold, then pushes a green button that says 'flash'"
Auron:  "What.  I'm busy."
Wakka:  "Got a live one on four, ya.  Real pissed."
Auron:  "What this time?!"
Wakka:  "Don't know.  Wont say.  Just shouts."
Auron:  "I'm not gonna have some SOB call my line and abuse my personnel.  I'll take care of this bozo."
Wakka:  *hangs up and watches as the hold light on four goes from blink to steady*
Auron:  *ultra polite*  "This is Sir Auron.  Is there a problem?"
Caller:  "You bet your ass there's a problem!  Your people don't have a fucking clue!"
Auron:  *eyes narrow and tone goes low and controlled*  "Oh really?  And why do you say that?"
Caller:  "I've called there five times in the last two days about this Boss – Sinspawn GUI.  Every one of your people tells me something different and none of it works!  I've used phoenix down, and elixirs until my Summoner is practically transparent!  What the hell are you going to do about it!!"
Auron:  *takes a deep breath and growls*  "Just to be sure I understand you -- let me repeat this.  You are a Guardian.  Your Summoner doesn't even have all the Aeons yet, and hasn't gotten to Gagazet, yet you have managed to get them killed so much that you are running out of potions.  You have to call my Support line five times in two days about the same Boss.  Then, you want to speak to me because you, apparently, can't follow the simple directions of my staff -- thereby proving that you are a completely incompetent prick.  That about sum it up there, mister?"
Caller:  *flabbergasted* "W-WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"
Auron:  "Apparently, in addition to being bungling, inept, asshole; you are also hard of hearing."
Caller:  "WHY YOU…"
Auron:  *brusque* "Enough!  Save it for someone who cares.  I suggest you get a new line of work.  Take it from a Legendary Guardian who has actually been to Zanarkand, you don't cut muster.  Now, don't call my line and bother my people again.  If you do, I can promise you that you'll be seeing me in person and learning what an Overdrive feels like…ASAP.  Got me?"
Caller:  *stumbling and frightened*  "Uh.  Sir, yes…Sir Auron, Sir.  Sorry to bother you…"
Auron:  *grins grimly into the phone and grunts*  "I'm sure you are.  Good day."
Caller:  *hangs up*
Auron:  *chuckles while he hangs up his receiver and looks at Yuna*  "That's how it's done…"