A season five story set before The Recombination Hypothesis.

I play rough with my toys but always return them safely.

Title taken from the absolutely wonderful and heartbreaking [but hopeful] Leonard & Penny video Shattered brilliantly edited by xJenWith1Nx.

…..

Violence

Medically Graphic

Hurt/Comfort

Angst

Eventual L/P

…..

End's Beginning

Standing just outside the vestibule doors of his apartment building, Leonard Hofstadter paced furiously in circles.

Exasperated and unhappy, he just didn't know what to do. An army of emotions flooded him and he felt everything all at once: enraged, irritated, jealous, frustrated, humiliated, embarrassed, pissed off and just plain mad.

He just wanted to … to … do what?

Do something!

He wanted to scream in frustration.

He wanted to rip out the landscaping shrubs.

He wanted to rattle the apartment doors in fury until the glass snapped.

He wanted to kick and punch the apartment walls and not stop until his hands were a stinging and bloody pulp.

Do anything!

Nothing.

As always with him, his rare displays of anger quickly ebbed and with sudden awareness, Leonard realized all he was doing was pacing in a stupid circle.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

And now he just felt ridiculous.

Rage gone, suddenly weak, and with an audible sigh, Leonard sat down on the low wall of the landscaping bed sharing it with the shrubs he wanted to mangle just seconds ago.

He slumped forward and put his head into his hands trying to remember what he had done, if anything, to incite Sheldon so badly. Sheldon just wasn't being Sheldon tonight, he was being uber-Sheldon. And the barbs and disparaging comments regarding his work and his abilities that he could usually ignore or end with a glare, tonight became lodged under his skin. With each acidic comment, the barbs began to pull and draw blood. And if he was honest with himself, it was the dripping condensation and derision of Sheldon's tone that was worse than comment.

The uneventful Sunday had passed pleasantly. Howard and Raj had been over and they ordered Italian food and spent the afternoon playing video games. And, as always, Sheldon had been welcomed and included in all their activities. But as the afternoon had passed into evening and Howard and Raj had gone, he was just left with Sheldon.

Sheldon. Oh my God. Sheldon.

Leonard scrubbed his fingers through his thick curly hair making it stand up in little spikes. Try as hard as he could, he had no earthly idea why Sheldon had turned so merciless.

He had just cleared the coffee table of the empty food cartons and was squirting Windex on the glass top.

Sheldon turned from his computer desk. "Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you. What's the status of your Handwriting Recognition App? Any sales yet?"

Leonard sighed as he slid a paper towel through the small bubbles. "You know exactly how it's going, Sheldon."

"Oh yes," Sheldon said sweetly. "I believe I heard some reviews on the beta test. 'Lacking', 'failure', and 'useless' come to mind. Happily words you must be accustomed to hearing by now."

Leonard shook his head as he threw the used paper towel in the trashcan. "Not everyone has legible handwriting and it impacted on the beta test."

Sheldon made a soft clicking sound with his tongue as he tapped on the computer keys. "A very foreseeable problem and one that could have been easily circumvented if a competent person had been in charge. Do you know anyone like that, Leonard? It's a pity your one good idea has been laid to waste. With most of all your other work," he said as he added a sweeping gesture with his hand.

"Yes. Thank you, Sheldon. Just another one for the tally," Leonard said as he gathered his notes and books. "Kindly keep track of that for me, will you?" Irritated and with face burning, he flipped open his laptop as he sat down in his chair at the desk. He hoped Sheldon was done for the night. All he wanted to do was to check some scientific references and run some calculations to help prepare for the week ahead.

"Ah. Doing some research, I see."

"Yes," Leonard replied shortly.

"Speaking of which … I've been meaning to ask you …"

Leonard's back stiffened as he braced himself for another slicing comment that he could just tell was coming.

"What, Sheldon?"

"Your anti-proton decay experiment with 20,000 data runs and no statistically significant results … what's the count now?"

Leonard gave an audible sigh. "I'm no longer working in that series, Sheldon."

"Yes. I see. Grand ineptitude, failure, surrender, and moving on to the next derivative set of experiments. Or what I like to refer to as 'The Leonard Hofstadter Natural Habitat.'"

Leonard felt his anger begin to simmer. "Yes, Sheldon. You're right. As always. I'm the worst physicist in the history of Cal Tech. The worst physicist in the history of the world even. But just one question. If I'm so worthless, if I'm that useless, why did the University hire and then continue to employ me?"

"Simple. You are protected under federal law which the University cannot violate under severe penalties."

"OK. I'll bite. What federal law?"

"The Americans with Disabilities Act."

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"Title 1 requires employers with fifteen or more employees to provide qualified individuals with disabilities an equal opportunity to benefit from the full range of employment opportunities, prohibiting discrimination in recruitment …"

"Disabled? You're saying I'm disabled?"

"Intellectually, when it pertains to science, yes."

Leonard was astonished. He pushed away from his desk and stood slowly to turn and face his roommate. His anger had gone from simmer to percolate and he spoke in measured even tones so he wouldn't explode. "Sheldon, as an experimental physicist, I use instruments. I have to document all my work with the University to justify my continued use of their very expensive equipment. All the work I do, trial runs, experiments, are calculated to the dollar. That includes all my successes and all my failures. Because of the accounting, economics, and expense, all my failures are put out there for everyone to see," he said emphasizing the words 'all' and 'my' by putting his hands to his chest. "But you, you think for a living. What happens when you fail? Nobody knows because you just rip the sheet out of the copybook or erase the white board and start all over again. What is your expense to the University? Computer time? Copybooks? A whiteboard? Markers?"

Sheldon stood with his arms folded across his chest. "I understand the interplay of experimental studies and theory. And on a side note, I don't fail."

"Really? You sure? I seem to remember a time that you did. And I graciously took all the shit for it."

Sheldon paled and his arms dropped to his sides, hands balled into fists. He trembled with anger and his mouth became a thin line. He stared at Leonard.

Leonard stared back.

A silent standoff and a staring contest was waged between the roommates, like two cowboys meeting in the public square of a western town.

Sheldon blinked first.

"You're welcome. It was my pleasure," Leonard said like it was not his pleasure at all.

"And when did you have your last success? Or any success for that matter?"

Silence.

"My point exactly. Federal law, Leonard."

"All right. That's it. I've had enough." Leonard turned away, closed his laptop and removed his cell phone from the charger. He slipped his wallet into his pocket.

"Where are you going?"

Leonard quickly scanned his desk. "I have some calculations to run. I'll just do it at my lab. God forbid I infect you with my mediocrity."

"I am immune. However your pedestrian and so-so abilities combined with your jackass stubborn refusal to improve, despite my every effort, exasperate and exhaust me to distraction. When I think of the precious hours wasted, trying to elevate your bland, oblivious mind, to advance your scientific thought …"

"I don't need or want your efforts," Leonard said as he turned his back on Sheldon, heading towards his room to retrieve his inhaler.

"That speaks volumes, doesn't it," Sheldon yelled to the retreating figure. He moved to the kitchen to make himself a soothing cup of cocoa. He hated it when Leonard deliberately incited him. He could hear the smaller man returning and he raised his voice. "Leonard, as physicists we have to make predictions agree with empirical observations. The observation: shoddy experimental physicist; the prediction: woeful career."

"I've a better one," Leonard said as he opened the door and took his keys from the bowl. "The observation: you're pissing me off; the prediction: you'll be taking the bus to work from now on," he said as he exited and slammed it closed.

He immediately turned to the right just outside of the door and started down the first flight of steps. But he hesitated midway and turned, redirecting himself. He went back towards Penny's door, angling his neck slightly as he approached to see if there was any light peeping out from underneath.

No light shone.

He knocked anyway.

No answer.

"She's not home and she's not at work tonight. Penny told me she had off on Sunday …"

Leonard turned, surprised, to see Sheldon standing there. He hadn't heard the door open.

" … maybe she's out on a date," he added.

Leonard thought he heard a hissing emphasis on the word 'date'. Hiss or no, either way the comment was a direct hit. "All right, Sheldon. Enough. Retract your claws."

Leonard turned and bound down the stairs. Every negative comment Sheldon said floated through his head and drove his heel. By the time he reached the lobby, he was practically running. He burst through the apartment doors into the cool blue of the October night.

And now that the heat and anger had left him, he just sat, feeling pathetic and ridiculous.

The sound of soft laughter alerted him and, turning his head, he spotted a couple walking arm-in-arm, talking quietly. Unseen and unnoticed, hidden by the branches of the shrubs, he sat silently and watched as they walked off into the night.

And now he felt more alone than ever.

Penny.

Just the mention of her name caused his heart to squeeze painfully.

He loves her.

After everything, her loves her.

Still.

But she doesn't love him.

God help me.

Burning tears prickled at his eyes but he refused to let them fall. You're pathetic. And ridiculous, he added berating himself.

Leonard stood and looked around the quiet street and up at the beautiful topaz blue sky. He really didn't want to go to work at the University at this time of night. He'd much rather work at home. But that was not possible right now. He looked up to the light shining from the windows of his apartment. He thought of Sheldon and wondered when his roommate would notice that he'd turned the thermostat up to ninety degrees. The gleaming dial called to him when he was walking past it after he retrieved his inhaler. He was ashamed of his weakness, acting out like that with such a passive-aggressive swat.

Leonard shook his head sadly. There's gonna be hell to pay for that, he thought as he turned and started to walk slowly and sadly towards his car.

…..