My life sucks. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I'm 32 years old, I'm a cake addict, own a hamster and struggle to pay my rent. And I'm a bounty hunter. Which is the reason for my money problems, because even if my capture record is quite impressive, I'm the worst bounty hunter Trenton has ever seen. I don't know on how many days per week I have to pick all kinds of gruesome stuff out of my crazy hair or have to either call the police or Ranger for help after one of my skips has gotten the better of me, only to be yelled at by my on-and-off-again boyfriend Joe Morelli as soon as he learns about my newest escapade in the evening.

And that's the strange thing. Even though Ranger aka Man of Mystery aka Batman aka YUMM! is the one who saves my neck over and over again, at the end of the day, I always find myself in Joe's company, first in either his or my kitchen, then in front of the TV and later in bed. Not that I complain, Joe is quite talented in this field, but even though that is the only exercise I'm willingly putting myself through, I have to admit that lately my relationship with Joe kind of tires me out. And that's why I was on my way to him. Because yesterday, after two weeks into one of our off-periods, Joe came by my apartment with some pizza in one hand and a few bottles of beer in the other. We moved through our usual course of events of kitchen, couch, bedroom. Then he got a call from the police department and he had to go. I couldn't help staring at his nice ass while he put on his shoes- which Joe noticed. He grinned and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "You know, the boys have missed you," he said, before giving me another kiss and leaving.

And that was it. The boys missed me. Freaking two weeks of no contact and all he had to say was that his libido was glad we had apparently moved to an on-period again. Hell, if the definition of a relationship was to have earth-shattering orgasms, then I was pretty sure I had one with my shower head. What Joe and I had was more friends with benefits. Only without the benefits but with lots of shouting and arm waving.

I gulped when I stopped in front of Morelli's house. I was about to do something adult, meaning something sensible and smart. Usually things went terribly wrong when I tried that. With a sigh I got out of my sorry excuse of a car. It was frosty enough outside that the choice of breaking up with Joe in a nice, warm living room was more appealing to me than getting back behind the wheel and keep freezing my ass off.

I knocked at the door and immediately heard Bob, Morelli's dog, bark like crazy. God, I'd miss him! Maybe I should've brought him a pair of trainers to chew on as a goodbye present. Damn, that would've been a really good excuse for not exercising. Sorry Ranger, can't run with you, got no shoes!

"Cupcake? Anyone home?"

I blinked. Morelli was right in front of me. "Uh... sorry, I kind of zoned out here. You busy?" Please, say yes! Suddenly the idea of climbing back in my ice cube of a car and get the hell away from here didn't sound so bad anymore.

"No, Bob and I've just gotten back from taking a walk. You want to come in?" His sexy smile was totally unsuspecting. Oh God, I couldn't do this! I was nuts to throw away what we had!

Thirty minutes later I was pretty sure that I'd been nuts to stay with him for so long. It was clear to me now that Joe and I wanted completely different things. He wanted us to marry, pop out a couple of children and live a nice, calm Burg-approved life. Marriage was my personal nightmare, which might be down to the fact that my ex-husband had been polishing the dining table with the naked ass of my archenemy Joyce Bernhardt just about five minutes after we had signed our marriage certificate. Children scared the bejeezus out of me since even my hamster Rex could consider himself lucky for having survived this long. And my job as a bounty hunter kind of clashed with the respectable life as a Burg wife that Joe wanted me to live. So after we had been yelling to each other for about half an hour, I was positive that we were over once and for all. The last five minutes of our conversation had been more calm as we admitted to the other that maybe both of us were to blame for the fact that our relationship had failed. We'd hugged, decided to avoid seeing each other for a few weeks and agreed on trying to be friends again after a while. Pretty adult, huh?

So, what now? I didn't feel like going home and mourning, so I decided to get rid of my money problems by catching a few skips. I pulled up in front of the bond office five minutes later. Lula's firebird was nowhere to be seen, which I was really glad for. She was a great friend, but I didn't feel like going over the whole thing with Morelli again now, and Conny was more likely to give me a break.

"Hey," I said or at least tried to, for my voice was halfway gone after my yelling match with Joe.

Conny narrowed her eyes to slits and pointed a finger at me. "Aha! So it's true! Lula just called and told me she was told that your mother was told you broke up with Joe!" Secret service didn't stand a chance against the Burg's information network. Crap, I'd hoped my mother wouldn't get the news until tomorrow or so.

"Yupp, and this time it's permanent. No going back to Morelli. I'm single and I'm happy with it. I'm Wonderwoman. I'm strong and indepen... God, do you have a doughnut?" By now tears were running down my cheeks, getting my face all red and blotchy.

"Oh Honey!" Conny hurried to push a Tasty Pastry box over the desk and I started to stuff its sugar-covered contents in my mouth.

"I don't even know why I'm crying! I'm glad it's over, but..." I felt how the tears choked me until all I managed to get out was a faint whisper. "I think I miss being with him already, no matter how crappy it was. Do you have any files for me? I need to get my mind off things."

Conny nodded and pushed a folder in my waiting hand. "Ed Miller, 65. He was drunk and punched a barkeeper when the man didn't serve him another drink. He lives a few miles outside the city. You sure you should work today?" She sounded concerned. I managed a rather unconvincing smile. "Yeah, I'm okay. Guess I just needed a good cry, I..." And with that the whisper vanished into nothingness. While my lips moved, not a sound left my mouth. I hectically tried to clear my throat but apparently my voice had decided it needed a vacation. I pulled at my hair. How was I supposed to capture my skip when I couldn't even talk? Crap, crap, crap! I stared at Conny, my eyes begging her to help me.

She sighed. "I still think you should go home, but if you insist..." She grabbed some paper and a pencil and began to write something. I tilted my head to read what she was writing. BOND ENFORCEMENT. You missed your court date. I am here to take you to the courthouse so you can reinstate your bail bond. I raised my eyebrows, meaning 'You think that's gonna work?'

Conny just shrugged. "It's along the lines of your usual approach, isn't it?"

I sighed, nodded, grabbed the paper and waved goodbye. Great. Not only was I freshly single and in a bad mood, now I'd lost my voice, too. Maybe all the screaming earlier wasn't so good for my vocal cords.

I got behind the wheel and threw a look at the file. Jeez, Ed Miller looked like he only grabbed a shower once a year. And the next washing day was definitely due. I look for the address and noticed that Conny had been right. It wasn't too far, but I had to drive a while. I looked at my fuel gage. Huh, didn't seem like the fuel fairy had stopped by while I was at Joe's. Screw this. I deserved some luck. My relationship was over, no replacement in sight, my bank account resembled a black hole and my voice was gone. Hear that, karma? You owe me some luck! I expect the fuel to last until I have my body receipt!

After I'd stopped to grab a coffee to go, I was on my way to Miller's house. The road was bumpy as hell, so I had to grab the coffee really tight in order not to cover my lap with the boiling hot liquid. It helped against the cold, though, which was good because my heater had apparently joined my voice on its trip to Haiti. Clearly luck hadn't yet realized it was supposed to be on my side, or else the heater would have died in summer when the chances of freezing my ass off were rather slim.

When I finally arrived in front of the shack that Miller called his home, my teeth were chattering and my nails were beginning to turn a lovely shade of blue - who needs nail polish?

Just in case that something went wrong – not that unlikely with my current run of bad luck – I put my stun gun and cellphone in my pocket. I slung my purse over my shoulder, grabbed the piece of paper and my coffee and made my way over to the rickety door. Hmpf, even I could probably kick that one open. Instead of pulling a mighty Wonder Woman move and pulverizing the door, I decided to remember my Burg upbringing and knocked, which was already kind of hard as both my hands were occupied. I neither wanted to abandon the sheet nor the coffee, so I just banged my elbow against the wood a few times. What? I was still knocking!

I heard movement from inside. Someone was cursing and grumbling behind the door. There was a faint 'click' when Miller slid back the deadbolt, and then he presented himself in all his glorious birthday suit. Ewwww, gross! What was it with men over 60 and their weenies? I bet the skips that Rangeman got never opened their doors in nothing but their own wrinkled skin! I looked Miller strictly in the eyes, hoping that if I ignored his currently undressed state long enough, clothes would miraculously appear on his body. Didn't happen, though. I forced a smile on my lips.

"What?" the old nudist bellowed. I widened my smile and hold up the paper for him to read it. When his gaze wandered to my face again, his mouth hanging slightly open, I pointed at my throat, then repeatedly touched my thumb with my index and middle finger while shaking my head. No voice, that meant.

A frown appeared on Miller's forehead. His gaze wandered over my frame, lingered on the cup in my hand, moved to the paper again and then found my eyes. "You bond enforcement?" he asked.

Me Tarzan, you Jane! Duh! Still, I nodded.

"You ain't got no voice?" Phew, Einstein is alive! Hell, what a dumbass. I hold back a world-class eye roll and just shook my head no and looked sad. "That hot coffee you got there?" he asked. I glanced down at my hand, then nodded suspiciously. Why would he ask about my coffee?

Before I could even blink, he snatched the cup away from me and retreated back inside the hut. "I ain't going to jail. Next time, bring more coffee!" And he shut the door in my face. My jaw was about to hit the floor. That was MY coffee! That stupid son of a bitch had stolen my coffee! I banged my fist at the door. I would have yelled at him to open the damn door, but my voice was still gone. I hadn't really expected him to open the door again, so I totally blame my surprise for the fact that I didn't stop him when he grabbed my handbag as well. "Now get lost, before I take your clothes, too!" he bellowed and slammed the door shut again. My... my purse! My mascara was in there! And at least one Tastykake! My hairspray, my sun glasses and a body receipt that hadn't yet been turned into money on my bank account! Miller was SO gonna pay for stealing that! Well, at least he didn't have my cellphone. The phone was in my pocket, as well as the stun gun and my car keys. And there was no cash in my purse. I'd spent the last of it on my coffee.

I critically looked at the door. It was worth a try. With a mute Karate Kid "Haaaaaaaya!" I aimed a mighty kick at the door. All I got from that was a faint creak from the door and a mighty pain from my toe. Holy shit! I'd just broken my toe! Crap, crap, crap! My teary eyes shot daggers at the damn door. Uuh, you just wait, Miller! Fear the wrath of Stephanie Plum! Still cursing in my head, I hobbled back to my car. I planned to drive back to my apartment, grab my gun from the cookie jar, load it, come back and shoot that damn door open. Then I'd stun Miller and drag his sorry ass to the police station. Or maybe there'd be an unfortunate yet random accident and a bullet would somehow find its way in Millers spongy ass.

I grunted when my fingers touched the steering wheel. Jeez, did it have to be that cold? The motor came to life with a sickly cough, the wheels crawled forward – and stopped after ten seconds when my car broke down. You're freaking kidding me! Incredulously, I stared at my fuel gage. There wasn't a drop left in my tank. Karma was a bitch! I banged my forehead against the wheel. Beep! Beep! Beep! Nothing worked, but count on the horn! So, now what? As the fuel fairy obviously was busy doing who knows what, I was kind of stuck out here. Calling Morelli was totally out of the question. No way was I calling him 15 minutes after I broke up with him! I decided to try Dad, maybe he could come get me. I fumbled for my phone, dialed his number and... nothing. Nada. No reception. I tore my hair. So I was in the middle of nowhere, my purse was gone, my car wouldn't move an inch and my phone was useless. Fucking great! Tears brunt behind my eyes and I tossed the phone in the back of my car. Useless piece of shit! I pulled my knees to my chin, hid behind my crazy hair and succumbed to my misery.