Chapter 2 - No Regrets

It was calm, with Toby by my side. The lulling sound of the tires against the road, his presence, his smell of Armani Code and soap, all of it was perfect. It was a lovely date, and I was so excited to visit his home - at least upon permission. I nuzzled into the seat, curled my legs up to my chest and sighed contentedly. This is how it always should have been. I closed my eyes and lost myself in my thoughts.
About 15 minutes later, I heard the tires of the car roll across concrete, then the engine died. Toby cleared his throat and softly muttered "We're here." When I didn't respond, he sat in silence for a few moments. He sighed and cursed himself, and stepped out of the car, rounding his way to the passenger side.

Toby, I'm asleep. Please think I'm asleep.

I heard the passenger door open, and Toby kneeled down in front of me. He turned my face, and I went slack and breathed deeply. He uttered "Yep." unfastening my seatbelt. He shook my shoulder gently, mentioning my name a few times.

This isn't what I wanted. He's supposed to carry me in. Why isn't he?

After a few more attempts, I gave in and "woke up." I followed up to the porch, rocking on my heels as he searched for the key in the dark. Once found, we made our way inside, Toby hit the light switch then stopped suddenly in the living room, not even 8 feet from the front door. He turned around and said coolly, "Guest room is upstairs, to the left. Eat whatever you want, there's a TV in the guest room, shower too. If you need anything, I'll be in my room, which is next door to yours." He smiled like a gentleman and said, "Tonight was fun, I'm sorry for this mishap."
My eyes began to sting, and Toby's face looked like one of confusion. He tilted his head and asked, "Why are you crying...?" I sniffled, wiped my tears away and looked up at him. He was clearly lost in the situation and I sighed in exhaustion.
"Toby," I started, "You're not as happy as you are in your videos are you? Is it all smoke and mirrors? Is this who you really are?"
He swallowed and took a step back, "Ex.. Excuse me?"

I walked towards him, batted my eyelashes and mumbled, "Toby.."I turned red, but kept eye contact. "I feel a connection so strong with you; you move, I move. You're the waves and I am the shore. I feel when you're in pain, you just need time with me, to connect with me." Toby raised an eyebrow, snorting "I'm a bit too old for you.. I think it's time for bed."

He left the room without saying anything more, leaving me standing there in the living room. I tried my best not to let angry tears fall down my face. I walked into the guest room, took off my shoes at the door, and crashed on the bed. I stared blankly at the ceiling for what must have been hours because when I rolled over and looked at the clock, it read 1 am. I stretched, rose and stepped out into the hallway.

Tiptoeing to his door, I checked on Toby. His blinds were open, and the moonlight shone on him perfectly. He was shirtless, his hair was erratic and messy, spikes of cocoa in every direction. His tanned skin was without imperfection, and he breathed in a deep, quiet rhythm. I creeped over to his bed, and leaned down on the balls of my feet, balancing my weight. I ran gentle fingers along his strong chest, giving myself chills. I took a look around his room, and a pang of anger took me. Pictures of him and Olga were still on display. They broke up, why was he still interested in her? Did he not even see who he could have? Was he that foolish? I'll teach him the meaning of appreciation.
I gathered all the photos, and any other reminders of her, and walked down stairs to the back door. Setting the disgraceful items on the ground, I walked into the shed, looking for a shovel. Once found, I dug a deep pit in the ground and buried the trash. While recovering the hole I just dug, some form of self-satisfaction flowed through me. I was the one who got rid of the burden. I was the one who helped Toby.

Me. Not her. Just as it should be.

I made my way upstairs again, and locked myself in the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. Toby will surely comfort me, he's too kind a soul to turn away from me. I turned on the shower, and let it heat up as I found everything I would need. The nicest soaps, shampoos, perfumes, and lotions I could find in the house. I stripped off my clothes and stepped in the running water. I washed until I smelled absolutely lovely - overdoing it even. My hair smelled like strawberry, and my body was that of vanilla. I was soft as silk, and felt amazing. Okay, next step. I rummaged through my purse till I found eyeliner. Applying only a bit, I then smudged it slightly to appear well-worn - as if I have worn it all day. Then I pinched myself.. Hard. Very, very hard. Tears began to form in my eyes, and I kept holding the pressure till they fell. My eyeliner was running and I was stiffly. I examined myself in the mirror. I looked exactly how I wanted to - helpless. I was ready to make my appearance.
I knocked on Toby's door, swallowed hard, and took a step forward. I curled into my self slightly and put on a shaky voice.
"T-...Toby?"
He groaned in protest, slammed his face in his pillow and hissed, "Whaaaaaat?"
"I need you so badly now..."
He had no idea.