Hey, Disgraceful Avenger back with another piece. Depressing twoshot, hope it suits your tastes.

Warnings: Language, Modern!AU, siblings!Team 7, Mother!Tsunade, bipolar!Naruto, references to underage smoking, foreshadowing of character death, foreshadowing of suicide.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Dammit.

"You're going to love this!" Naruto exclaimed, lifting a flashlight from the seat between us and setting it in his lap. He unrolled his window, the freezing winter air filling the car. "Believe it."

Sakura leaned forward from the backseat, which she was sharing with Sasuke. "What the hell are you up to, Naruto? Why did you drag all of us out here?"

It was a good question. It was nearly midnight, and Sasuke, Sakura and I had been at home just a few minutes beforehand, about to slip off to bed, when Naruto came charging in through the front door, reeking of coffee and ramen (an odd mix), and demanded we all come with him for a "quick outing". He said there was something "amazing" he just had to show us, and it couldn't possibly wait. We balked at first, but eventually gave in, knowing full well that it was Naruto and nothing could deter him from reaching his goal. If we refused to go, he would've kept at it all night, so after a vain show of resistance we dressed and followed him out to the car, badgering him with questions, which he never gave a straight answer to.

"You'll see..." he kept repeating to himself, chuckling like a deranged animal as he drove us through the darkened streets of town, down to a dilapidated dock just on the outskirts by the east bank of the Mississippi. He parked the car as close as he could get, with the hood pointed toward the river, and turned off the headlights.

"You'll see!" He yelled again in response to Sakura's question. "Just be patient, sis." He turned around and patted her on the cheek, causing a growl to escape Sakura's lips.

There was a barge coming toward us, following the narrow, jagged path of open black water.. An enourmous spotlight was mounted on the boat's cabin, and the light swept across the mostly frozen surface of the Mississippi, bouncing from bank to bank. Its foghorn blared, long and low and sad. It was an abysmally dark night out, with the moon and stars obscured by clouds, and the only sources of light in the blackness being the spotlight on the barge and the dim glow of the flashlight in the front seat.

I peered at my son through the darkness of the car, and even though we'd been at the dock for some time and my eyes had adjusted to the lack of light, I could still barely make out his face as he rested his chin on the steering wheel. The foghorn sounded again, and Naruto turned in his seat to look at me.

"I think it's looking for its mommy," he said, seemingly oblivious to the arctic blast coming through his open window.

Sasuke's head appeared next to Sakura's. "What did you say?" He asked.

"The barge. Its Mommy must've left it alone at the mall or something, and now it can't find her."

Sakura sighed in disgust. "You're a moron, Naruto. Honest to God moron. Can we leave now? I'm freezing my ass off."

"Same." Sasuke said. "Can we hurry this along, idiot?"

Naruto had turned sixteen a month prior, so Sakura was fifteen, and Sasuke was seventeen at the time of the event. I was sleepy and grumpy that night, and all three of my children were irritating me more than usual.

"Sorry to join the mob, brat," I growled, "but I'm in complete agreement with your impatient siblings. Perhaps we should wait to do whatever you have in mind until your father gets back from DC. I would hate for him to miss out on all the fun."

He ignored me. "I'm serious about the barge, you guys. I'm a barge expert, ya know?"

Sasuke huffed in exasperation, breath tickling my ear. "Can I smoke now, Mom? If I have to sit in this goddamn freezing car with my lunatic brother holding us hostage, then I should at least get to smoke."

"Of course," I said. "As long as you're thirty feet away from the car and standing downwards." I reached over and jabbed him in the ribs, before he jabbed me back.

Naruto proceeded with his patter as though nobody had spoken, causing me to roll my eyes slightly, before he grabbed onto my arm. "Here we go..."

He pointed the flashlight stright at the cabin of the barge, aiming it at whoever was steering the thing. The light hit the windows and bounced off, as Naruto began cackling. The spotlight on the barge stopped dead and hovered in one spot for a second, before turning toward us in a slow arc, gathering speed as it hunted us down.

"Are you serious?" Sasuke practically yelled behind me. The light hit us full-force, and I fell back in my seat, raising my arms to shield myself from the light.

"Jesus Christ!" Sakura screamed as we were all dazzled and blinded by the stream of white fire.

Naruto jerked the flashlight out of the window and buried his face in my shoulder. "Yeerah! It's pretty bright, isn't it, Mom?"

"You idiot!" I snapped. "Get us out of here before I have to learn to read braille!"

Sakura slapped at the back of his head in indignation. "Naruto! You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

"Yep! Isn't it wonderful?"

The barge pilot continued punishing us for half a minute, before he finally tired of the game and set us free. The light drifted off back to the river in mindless silence.

Naruto sat up again, moving slowly, his breath coming in hitches. "Goddamn, I'm seeing spots!"

"Me too," Sasuke's voice had an odd hint of hilarity in it. He'd collapsed back into his seat and was rubbing at his eyes. "Idiot. I may never see again."

"Yeah, I know. But there's no way I was gonna ruin the surprise by telling you!" He patted my wrist again.

Sakura was calming down, but she gave him another smack over the head for good measure. "I see...was there a reason besides you being out of your mind?"

He rolled up the window before answering, and in that moment, it was like I could feel his good spirits vanish. Naruto turned away from us, pressing his head against the glass of the window.

"It's like I'm walking around on craters and hills in the dark, and all of a sudden, the sun comes out like 'BAM!' and then you're obliterated." He paused again, words fading to a whisper. "I love it..."

Sakura reached her hand out and brushed it through his hair. Gestures of affection like this were a rarity from her, but somehow Naruto had managed to bring it out. "What's wrong?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Nothing! I, uh...just wanted you guys to see this tonight, that's all."

"Great," Sasuke muttered. "Can we go back now?"

"Why in God's name would you do such a thing?" I barked. "Did you injure your head?"

"I'm fine, old lady!" He said, and I rolled my eyes at the nickname. "Believe it. I thought you'd be happy to have me home again."

"That is not the point, and you know it!" I put my hand over the mouthpiece to talk to Jiraiya, who had just walked into the room. "Naruto says Anko offered him a job, and he's going to take it! Can you believe the stupidity?"

Jiraiya crowed. "That's fantastic!" He tried to seize the phone, and, failing, contented himself from bellowing from his position (now on the floor) so that he could be heard. "Hurry home, kid! Research is awaiting!"

"Shut up, Jiraiya." I said, before speaking into the phone again. "Pay no attention to the dimwit in the background. All I'm saying is you should take a while to figure out what you really want to do. Get something exciting accomplished before you settle down!"

"Like what?" He giggled. "Join the traveling circus? Become a ninja?" He loved getting my goat. I hissed.

"Don't be difficult!" I paused. "I only want what's best for you, brat. You don't have the opportunity right now to build a wonderful life. There's nothing for you in Rockfort that could equal what you'll get elsewhere."

He grunted. "Nothing except my home and my entire famiy, including my wonderful mother." He paused. "Come onnnnnn, why all the resistance? What's going on, old hag?"

I almost fell over. "Old lady, I've gotten used to. Old HAG I cannot deal with!"

"See you later."

"Brat!" I contemplated. "Fine, move back to Rockfort. See if I care when the entire world forgets who you are!"

"There's my optimistic mother! Maa, I'll be fine. Quit worrying."

"You'd better be." I whispered. When he was sweet, there was no defence against him. "No second chance at life."

"Are you sure?" He laughed again, breaking the mood. "Because I forgot to tell you, I've converted! I get to come back and live happily ever after no matter what! It's a hell of a deal, believe it?" There was a predictable beat of silence. "Oh, I need room for about seven hundred pamphlets in the basement-"

I hung up on him, fuming.

About two years after Naruto began assistant teaching at the community college under tutelage of Anko, Sasuke decided to move across town into one of the faculty bungalows on the grounds of the conservatory. These (Naruto referred to them as "bungholes", irritating Sasuke to no end) were little more than a row of flimsy shacks the Conservatory put up by the river to provide low income housing for some of the college's grossly underpaid faculty. After forcefully being made to ask Naruto to move in with him, Sasuke was relieved by the answer of (No way, you bastard!). Incidentally, I was not, as it meant that the brat was moving into the upstairs apartment that was recently vacated. A few months after, Sakura began her masters degree at the University of Illinois, and with her removal to the state and Sasuke's conspicuous absense from our daily home life, Naruto took on his role of "only child" with gusto.

He'd sit next to me by the fire in the evenings when Jiraiya was out on the road, and peer up from his "planning journal" and bowl of ramen now and then with a quizzical expression.

"What is it?" I'd ask.

He'd scratch his head. "Weeeeell...nothing, really. I was just wondering why you didn't smother Sasuke and Sakura at birth." He wouldn't wait for an answer to these questions, ony asking them to try and amuse me. "I'm serious, old lady! I would've enjoyed my childhood so much without the bastard and his leech."

"Liar," I'd murmur. "You adore Sasuke and Sakura, brat, and you know it."

"Maybe," he'd say, before taking another bite of ramen. "But Sasuke's turning into something of a ogre, and Sakura's like a first class shrew now. You may not see it yet, ya know. But I do." He'd smile, and then exclaim, "Well- here's to how they were before the body-snatching aliens got ahold of them!"

I thought he was joking. I didn't know he had the gift of prophecy.

"Why are you two just sitting there?" I demanded. "Have you forgotten how to count?"

Jiraiya finally shook his head and cleared his throat. "That was brilliant, my princess. Truly." His voice was full of excitement. "You'd never know you were injured."

"Holy shit, Mom. That was outrageous, believe it!" I believe I actually blushed. It felt so wonderful to be admired for something again, especially by those two (though god knows why). It gave me no illusions about returning as a musician, of course; my hand was permanately maimed, and therefore, I was useless on the stage.

But I could still make my husband and son stare at me like I'd just knocked out a town with a hit.

That type of activity, although fun, was still rare, because Naruto was starting to make himself scarece when anyone except me was around. It's not that he didn't get along with Jiraiya, or Sasuke or Sakura; it's more that he was simply beginning to distance himself from everyone except me. The only reason I noticed anything wrong at all was because I saw him day after day, week after week. At first I attributed his darkening moods to the usual causes like a touch of the flu, or an arguement with a coworker. But as time passed by, I began to suspect something else was going on besides his inclination to sudden depression.

How do you know when somebody's spirit is dissolving? When does it become apparent that the will to move forward is gone?

I was with my mother when she died, and with her, the transition was obvious; she had severe cancer, refused chemotherapy, and chose to spend her last few days at home in bed. With Naruto, it wasn't like that. He didn't have cancer, wasn't sick at all. He had more good days than badm was usually cheerful, and never seemed so far down that he couldn't spring back from what was troubling him. To me, there was always light in those blue eyes of his.

A false light, it turned out.

So the years passed. He fell in love with several girls, and started to develop a formidable reputation as a teacher. He never had any inclination to leave the attic apartment, he spent more and more time alone, and he quarreled frequently with most people, especially his brother.

He laughed, he cried, he dreamed, he drank, he copulated, taught his students, and sometimes sat outside for hours, staring into the distance as if immerced in his own world. He loved and was loved in return, he read dozens of fantasy books, complained about the weather, loathed politics and the government, and toyed with the idea of actually attending church every now and then.

In other words, he lived a mostly normal life.

But through it all, he was still Naruto. Funny, manic, prank-playing Naruto, gifted, impatient, sweet and generous. Almost too generous. For more than six years after he returned from his trip, there was only the everyday fact of him in the house, the solid, living, breathing human that reminded me so much of my younger brother; the boy who was my middle child, and became my closest friend.

And in the last few months of his life, it never crossed my mind that he would ever be any different- could ever be any different- or that a time might come when he would ask me to kill him.

"Naruto! What in the name of God are you doing up there? Come down this instant!"

His laugh reverberated off the walls of the house. "Okay, old lady! Don't worry, I'll be right there!" I rushed back inside, making it up the stairs in ten seconds flat, before barreling through his kitchen and poking my head out the open window. The sun was in my face, so I had to shield my eyes for him to be visible. Naruto was standing on the edge of the roof, a goofy smile on his face as he looked out toward the town.

"Morning, Mom," he said over his shoulder. "It's awesome up here, don't ya think?" I felt myself tremble a bit. This was no idiotic game he was playing.

"Naruto...what on earth is wrong?" I asked.

His thin shoulders shrugged under a white T-shirt "Nothing, ya know. I'm just here for the view." He giggled like a little boy. "And how are you today?"

I cleared my throat. "Brat! How do you think? You frightened the hell out of me!"

"Sorry..." He held his arms away from his sides like a diver. "Wanna bet I could do a triple-gainer before I hit the ground, old hag?"

In spite of the circumstances, I felt my temper flare a bit. "I believe a belly-flop is more you, Naruto."

He snorted. "Yeah, you're right." He dropped his arms. "A fancy dive is beyond my athletic ability...I bet Sasuke-bastard could do it, though." He huffed in frustration, before looking back up with a smirk. "How about a cannonball, then? If I went far enough, I could end up with the top point on the fountain up my ass." He finally met my gaze. "I dunno 'bout you, but I personally think it would be a big improvement to the yard, considering how bad Sakura messed up that fountain last year...don't you agree?"

The sun lit up his blond hair, and he smiled at me. Something in his expression made my stomach twist. I smiled back at him, as well as I was able to. "Don't flatter yourself, brat. You'd make a terrible lawn ornament." I held out my hand to him. "Please, come back inside."

"Ha! You worry...too much, Tsunade." His heels were still perilously close to the edge, and it seemed almost as though he were leaning backwards. "I just want to conquer the fear of heights."

"I think it would be easier to cure with shock therapy, personally." I said, trying to sound nonchalant. His smile grew bigger.

"Wow. That was hard, even for someone like you!"

"Someone like me?" I asked, before getting serious again. "Really. Why are you out here?"

"No reason, really...just thinking." He turned around, stepping down from the edge.

"You? Thinking?" I asked, a small smile playing on my lips. "About what?" I looked at him desperately, for an answer. When it did come, it wasn't the answer I expected to hear.

"I'm fine, Mom, don't worry, believe it."

The roof incident became recurring constantly. He was out there the next week, too, and again a month later, and each time he would simply shrug off the reason he was out there, opting for "fine, just thinking" when asked. He never did this when Jiraiya or anyone else was home, and he could be counted on to time his breakdowns to coincide with my comings and goings, so I would be sure to find him on my way in or out of the house.

And I always managed to talk him down, usually with a mixture of threats, teasing, praise, and ridicule. He would argue with me for a while, before finally sobering up and putting on the foolish mask he always showed in public. After he was back inside the house, he'd become cheerful and relaxed, and our lives would return to normal.

For a while.

But whenever he experienced a lapse like this, he begged me not to tell anyone about it- God forbid Sasuke and Sakura. He'd swear to never do it again, insist he was fine, happy, and didn't need professional assistance.

And God help me, I believed him.

I chose to believe him.

Because it was easier than doing what I should've done.

He put his thin, warm arms around me when he promised he would stop, and spoke with sincerity, and I fell for it every time. I agreed to keep his "episodes" between just us, just as he asked, so Sasuke and Sakura were oblivious to the situation, and if Jiraiya felt something was up, he didn't pester about it, probably confident in my ability to take control of the situation, Besides, he was too preoccupied with his "double life" as a "researcher and writer" to pester me with any questions.

I could use this opportunity to assign more of the blame to my family for what happened later, but that would be unfair. To be conditionally honest, I was rather flattered Naruto was willing to share this part of himself with me. Even though the nature of this secret of ours was disquieting, the closeness that we started to have was addictive. The warmth in his eyes as he expressed his thanks for my help in regaining his sanity was a potent, lovely drug, and it lulled me to sleep with a smile on my face.

And then one day things went a little differently up on the roof.

End of Part I.