I do not own anything.

Chapter 3: Because every Mary Sue must fall in love with a lead character.

Warning: The following chapter maybe too disturbing for some of you, the author herself was disturbed and amazed at her crazed mind, if this offends any of you, please remember that it's a parody.

Gollum eyed the sleeping figure next to him lustily, they were on their way to destroying the Ring and they had to take a break because Frodo was pms-ing again, so Sam suggested that they rest for a while, the group must have been more exhausted than they had thought because they all fell asleep immediately, not Gollum though, oh no mister, the ex-hobbit turned drug addict was too busy eyeing the beautiful Elf/Hobbit/Witch/Orc-who-has-repented-and-joined-t he-light, in all his miserable life, he had never seen someone so beautiful, her beauty haunted his dreams, she was perfection, she was everything he had wanted, she was….she was Gollum's first crush.

Suddenly, the beautiful brunette stirred beautiful and opened her beautiful eyes. She looked around her and found the miserable creature staring at her dreamily with an open mouth.

"Gollum?"

"Call me Smeagol, precious," he said huskily with sexy wink.

"Oh…okay."

An awkward silence fell upon them, it was the first time that the two were alone, Amoniel could feel her cheeks burning, I mean Gollum was totally hot, what with his shaved head, big blue eyes, and sexy Tarazan inspired fashion sense, he just oozed manliness. It was just so hard to find males that had good fashion sense in Middle Earth, she was getting sick of the velvety robes and tunics Elves and Men wore, and don't get her started on Hobbits, I mean hello? Ever heard of shaving creams? And she thought her toes were bad!

But if she was being completely honest with herself…she still had a soft spot for Legolas, the two of them hadn't been on good terms when she ran off with Frodo and Sam, regardless of his feminine tendencies and obsession with his hair, he still made her heart beat, but….they just couldn't agree on vital aspect of their relationship, he wanted her to come back with him to Murky Wood and become a housewife! How dare he? She was the most beautiful Elf/Hobbit/Witch/Orc-who-has-repented-and-joined-t he-light in Middle Earth! Her wisdom rivaled that of Saruman! Her power brought soldiers to their knees, how could she let go of all that and be satisfied with a princess position in Murky Wood? I mean what would the fellow members of the Rivendell's Women Rights Association say? And Murky Wood wasn't even a cool place like Rivendell what with the dirt ponds everywhere.

While Amoniel was sinking deeper and deeper into her thoughts, Gollum took the opportunity to move closer, it was only when the putrid smell of his underarms violated her senses that she looked up. Before she realized it, they were inching closer and closer to each other, he was so close now, she could count the pimples on his face, his fishy mouth breath intoxicated her senses adding to the tense attraction between them, suddenly time stopped and their lips met.

"Oh my GOD!" screeched a voice.

"MY EYEEEEEEEEEES," screamed another.

The couple sprang apart and looked for the assaulting voice, Frodo was staring at them with a wide mouth. Sam had a pained and traumatized look on his face, he stared at them in shock, even in his scarred state, he knew that he will never be able to erase the disturbing image from his mind, every time he thought of Rosie; his conscious would abuse him with an image of Gollum making out with Amoniel.

"This is just so beautiful," sobbed Frodo emotionally. "I am sorry, I shouldn't be crying, I am just so happy for you two and these days my hormones have been crazy, it must be the Ring, I just…oh God…this is so romantic!"

Amoniel blushed saying, "Thanks."

As Frodo gushed over the couple, Sam was still reeling from what he had seen, it was becoming too much, Frodo's constant mood swings and emotional outbursts, Amoniel's ability to over-dramatize every move she does, the growing suspicion of Gollum, and now the trauma from this! His brain was on the verge of a meltdown, and at that moment, Samwise Gamgee, gardener and member of the Potato Freedom Group, did something that would change the course of their journey forever.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YO SHIT!" he screamed, and before any of them could move he jumped from the cliff, a collective gasp was heard as the remaining trio looked at the edge, but instead of seeing Sam's dead body, they saw something astonishing, something that has never been seen before in the history of Middle Earth. Sam was hovering few feet above the ground, a pair of glittery, angel wings sprouting from his back.

"Fat Hobbitses, we wants it glittery wings too!"

Author's Note: What in the world did I just write? I woke up, opened my laptop and started typing this, I hope it was stupid enough for you guys, so let me know what you think please, or else I'll make Amoniel marry Gollum, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay that is all.