I do not own Lord of the Rings.

My Attempt At humor: A series of one-shots featuring this fandom's clichés, starring the ever lovable Mary-Sue 'Amoniel'! Please note that this fanfiction isn't targeting anyone nor is it serious or making fun of any story. Any similarity with your story is completely unintentional.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Amoniel was beautiful, no she was mesmerizingly, beautifully beautiful! She had eyes that were bluer that Frodo's! Long, black hair that put Arwen's to shame and red lips that were sexier than a shirtless Aragon!

Hair black as night

Skin white as snow

Lips red as blood

Amoniel

Wait isn't that from Snow White? Of course not, for Snow White looks like a drunken Orc compared to Amoniel! Amoniel's father was an Elf, her mother a Hobbit named Mariana, her grandmother a powerful witch that taught Gandalf himself, and her great-great uncle was an Orc that repented and joined the light. As such, and because of her mixed lineage, she possessed great power, it was said that she can kill a hundred Orcs with one blow, and legend says that it was her that cut Saron's hand and not Isildur. Brave and courageous, she was talented in all forms of combat and knew how to wield any weapon made. But Amoniel has had a terrible past, for when she was but a child, her mother (Mariana) abandoned her father, and ran away with a Hobbit. Her Elven father, heartbroken and unable to handle the grief, stabbed himself with a knife. Amoniel swore from that day to never trust anyone, for her fragile heart cannot handle any more sorrow.

Amoniel and Arwen slowly crept through the dark woods, Lord Elrond had sent them to retrieve Aragon and his companions because they weren't in Rivendell on time. The great Elf knew that the travelers had faced deep peril. He had meant to send Amoniel alone, for her speed, beauty and skill were enough to accomplish this great mission, but his spoilt, and unbeautiful daughter, Arwen, begged him to let her ride along with the beautifully beautiful Elf/Hobbit/Witch/Orc-who-has-repented-and-joined the light.

Aragon found the weed he was looking for and proceeded to cut it, unwillingly, he had let his guard down and froze when he felt two swords touch his throat threateningly.

"What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard?" asked Arwen.

The two swords were withdrawn and Aragon recognizing the voice turned to look at the speaker. He found Arwen standing with a girl, looking closely he immediately recognized her, although how anyone could not notice her first was beyond the author's understanding, for her beauty was more magical than magic. Aragon ran to the girl and hugged her.

Never mind the fact that the woman he loved above all was standing right there.

"Amoniel, my sister," he weeped.

Wait isn't Aragon the sole heir? And Amoniel wasn't even human! Quickly realizing her plot hole, the author decides to mention that Aragon simply cherished Amoniel's friendship deeply and therefore considered her as a sister.

Amoniel smiled sadly remembering her dead family, she and Aragon met years ago and ever since that day they took sanctuary in each other's embrace, for they both carried deep sorrow in their heart. A single tear fell down her cheek but nevertheless she still looked even more beautiful than the moon, more elegant than a swan, more –

"Um…excuse me?" said Arwem meekly. "We're supposed to take the travelers back to my father."

Aragon, as if noticing Arwen for the first time, sprang towards her. The girl, thinking he was going to embrace her too, opened her arms widely, but Aragon simply looked at her and said (still weeping happily), "We need to get back to the hobbits! Frodo has been injured."

Frodo gasped as the pain ate him away, he felt the heat from his wound spread quickly throughout his body, he kept losing consciousness and his blue eyes (though not as blue as Amoniel's) were filled with terror as he saw shadows engulf him. Slowly he turned his head, and there he saw her. A woman more beautiful than anything he has seen in his life, her shiny black hair hung loosely around her, her blue twinkling eyes were solemn and spoke of deep sadness and pain, her lips were velvet red. Even in his state, Frodo could not help but admire her slender frame, large hips and boobs. Next to her, stood a mediocre female elf looking at him worriedly and Aragon who was staring with admiration at the beautifully beautiful woman and weeping happily.

The beautifully beautiful woman knelt beautifully next to him and said, "Frodo, I am Amoniel."

Now because the author was too lazy to Google what Arwen said to Frodo in the film, she decided to think up of a clever way to fill the gap.

Frodo immediately recognized the woman; she was the daughter of his Uncle Biblo's wife Mariana! His Uncle's wife always spoke to him of the daughter whom she was forced to leave behind when she escaped from her abusive, elf of an ex-husband.

Never mind the fact that Bilbo did not have a wife, this is called a FANfiction the author can do anything!

"Who is she?" asked Merry transfixed by Amoniel's beauty.

"She's an Elf/Hobbit/Witch/Orc-who-repented-and-joined-the-light!" exclaimed Sam in admiration completely ignoring Arwen.

Never mind the fact that she was an Elf and he had always dreamt of meeting one.

No one spoke a word as the Hobbits stared at Amoniel, each wishing he could make her his wife, Aragon still wept happily, Amoniel stared at Frodo in a solemn way that spoke of sadness and pain and Arwen checked his injury.

"I cannot heal him, we have to take him to my father," said Arwen unbeautifully.

Amoniel stared sadly at Frodo, she wished she could heal him, but alas! Her healing powers were weak! She started weeping sadly, "I am sorry Ring bearer! I cannot heal you, forgive me!"

Never mind the fact that no one had told her before that Frodo carried the ring. Amoniel was beautiful and more intelligent that Gandalf himself.

The Hobbits were filled with sorrow as Amoniel cried, they rushed towards her begging her not to cry, Frodo even got up momentarily to comfort her.

"Lady Amoniel, you are far more beautiful and stronger than I am, you must take Frodo to my father," said Arwen unbeautifully.

Amoniel nodded, she knew what she must do, she mounted the horse and said, "Do not despair Arwen for there are far less beautiful people that you."

"Thank you my lady!" said Arwen with happy gratitude.

With a nod, Amoniel rod with Frodo and as she rode she remembered her mother and sorrow filled her heart.

End of Chapter 1

Author's Note:

I hope this chapter was stupid/funny enough for your liking, remember this is a PARODY, please REVIEW and lemme know what you think. Everyone who reviews gets a cookie! Hehe

Sensitive.