armies marching through my chest

. .

(a series of letters about a complicated thing called love. inspired by "i'm not afraid anymore, darling" by if the stars were mine.)

disclaimed.

.

.

(one. "the beauty you breathe")

my dear friend yuri,

there is an elegance in your ruggedness, a softer core beneath your rough edges. do you see it, or are you still searching?

i have seen you for you since the very moment we met, i think. you are calm, but you are also chaos, a word i had never experienced the meaning of until you arrived. like a tranquil storm, you are like nothing i have ever seen. and it is because of you that i learned about the world, saw it in all of its great beauty.

without you, yuri, who am i?

it is such a strange thing, yuri, to be saved from safety. but you saved me. and for that, i cannot thank you enough.

i can only hope that, in some way, i have saved you, too.

warm regards,

estelle

. .

(two. "what you believe in")

kid -

please don't think me strange for sendin' ya a letter instead of walkin' next door to tell ya in person. it's just hard for an old man like me to say the right thing without flubbin' up my words. you understand, right?

the thing is - well - you're growin' up to be a real brave man, is all. and i'm -

i'm real proud of ya.

- raven

p.s. remember when ya asked me what my dreams were, and i said 'to start dreamin' again'? because of you, i found that i actually needed ta wake up.

. .

(three. "the heart wants")

dear nan,

i want a lot of things, but i don't want anything more than i want you.

to me, you're better than any guild. actually, you're the bravest, smartest, most ultimately awesome person EVER. way better than that other girl i liked when i was six. not that i'm comparing her to you or anything! because there's NOTHING to compare!

this is going to sound dumb, nan, but i want to be brave for you. i'll face the most terrifyingly terrible monster for you, and no matter how much i want to run away, i'll keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.

the thing is, i'm tired of running, nan. i just want to stand next to you forever.

love, karol

. .

(four. "reluctance")

mordio -

as much as i hate to admit it, you are the greatest mage this world has ever seen.

i can only dream of being as grand as you.

- witcher

p.s. i also know you call me apple-head behind my back. please stop.

. .

(five. "so you're aware")

dear judy,

i know i promised not to talk about 'that one time', and i'm a man of my word.

but since we're on the subject:

i just wanted you to know that it meant something. i don't mean 'something' as in 'love' - i mean 'something' as in, 'the word escapes me'. because there are no words to describe you, judith. your beauty radiates like lunar rays. (i really hope that sounds flattering. estelle is the writer, here, not me.)

all i'm trying to say, judy, is that if you were a star, you'd be brighter than brave vesperia. and that's one HELL of a compliment.

from, yuri

. .

(six. "for what i am not")

to my beloved flynn,

i regret not telling you many things, but none so much as what is screaming from within my heart at this very moment.

i realize that i appear frigid. actually, i am frigid; i have been steeled by swordsmanship, by soldiers and war. i am rigid to my very bones, cold to the touch - but i ache for you to touch me.

there is nothing i crave more than you - your blue eyes and blond hair and broad smile. your beautiful belief of good in others. your childlike naivete for things you do not understand. everything you are, i want to be, too. i want to know you inside and out.

but you don't think of me that way, do you?

- sodia

. .

(seven. "nuisances")

hey, old man -

i don't really consider us 'close' or anything, but i was thinking about you today.

it was just something stupid, a memory that cropped up out of nowhere. actually, you have a pretty bad habit of doing that. it's kind of annoying, honestly, the way you come and go. just another thing to add to my list of what i don't like about you, i guess.

but - and don't take this the wrong way - you have this weird way of lifting my spirits. when you're off making jokes, i don't find myself as scared. and even though i call you an idiot, i - well, i...

i like your dumb jokes, okay? but if you tell anyone, i'll burn you to a crisp!

- rita

. .

(eight. "the fairest of them all")

estellise,

i once thought you were delicate, much like the petals of a rose. i have come to learn, however, that you are much less fragile than that. you have shown yourself to be a true hero, a young princess who has never wavered in her care for people and monsters alike. i suppose i could thank yuri for that, but i think much of it was your own decision - that willingness to protect others has always been inside you, and i cannot offer an apology great enough for not seeing that sooner.

estellise, you are blossoming. i hope you continue to live your life as you see fit.

i will no longer stand in your way.

sincerely yours,

flynn

. .

(nine. "oddities")

yuri,

i rarely have the pleasure of writing letters - i'd forgotten that it is such an exhilarating way to pass the time!

when i first met you, yuri, i knew you were different. or, would 'special' sound better?

no - perhaps the word that i'm looking for is 'odd'. yuri, you are strange in the most wonderful way, and i don't think i will ever fully understand you.

you're simply too weird for me to figure out.

yours truly,

judith

. .

(ten. "brotherly love")

rita -

i would tell you this in person, except you'd probably knock me on the head.

i think you're kind of neat. i mean, some of those spells you cast are awesome! like the one that's super bright and goes kapow and then whoosh, crash, clang! it's soooo cool! almost as cool as some of yuri's moves!

and, uh, this is gonna sound weird, but i've kind of...thought of you as a sister through all this. an angry, vicious, older sister, but still a sister.

this letter is just to tell you how much you mean to me. i don't show it enough.

from, karol

. .

(eleven. "from the grave")

leblanc,

you're a complete mess. you're bumbling, loud, obnoxious, and ridiculous. you chase after the wrong people. you wouldn't know a criminal if someone walked by with the word plastered on their forehead. what i'm saying is, you aren't exactly the most practical knight around.

but i couldn't have left my brigade in better hands than yours.

- schwann

. .

(twelve. "man's best friend")

repede -

i know you can't exactly read, so i'll keep this short and simple:

you're the greatest friend a man could have.

- yuri

. .

(thirteen. "a life we need")

rita,

i know not what my journey might have meant without you, but it surely means so much more because you have been a part of it. there are so many things i want to thank you for, rita, but i can never thank you enough. you gave me back hope that i had lost. you helped me discover who i was and who i still am - you helped me realize that life means too much to give up.

rita, you are incredible. that is the only word i can think of that even begins to describe how important you are to me. i can't wait to see where life takes us; i know we can take on anything if we do it together.

your friend,

estelle

. .

(fourteen. "the cowardly lion")

yuri -

to me, you're the coolest person in the world. you stood beside me when everyone else gave up. you believed in me when no one else would. because of you, yuri, i can live the life i want to live - i can be the person that i want to be.

i didn't believe in myself until i met you. now, i feel like i can conquer anything at all.

you're my courage.

- karol

. .

(fifteen. "bad poetry")

judith, darlin',

your eyes sparkle like the lunula moon. your skin is porcelain under my calloused fingers. your hair shines in the starlight.

an' sometimes, this old man truly thinks he's in love.

i've been thinkin' - maybe it's about time this ol' heart settle down. it beats real hard when i'm around ya, y'know, but maybe if we spend a bit more time together, it'll slow.

just a thought.

love,

the magnificent raven

. .

(sixteen. "obsession")

rita -

do me a favor and never take off those cat ears.

- yuri

p.s. or maybe you should. i feel like i'm going to pounce on you any second.

p.p.s. okay, you HAVE to take those cat ears off.

. .

(seventeen. "somewhat kind")

judith,

sometimes, i feel like you're the only person i can talk to. at first, i thought we would never be friends. that our differences were too great. but you have shown me that the greatest friendships can bloom between the most unlikely people.

i'm really glad i met you, dragon-freak.

- rita

. .

(eighteen. "you are a piece of me")

flynn,

do you remember when we were kids, and we snuck outside of zaphias to see what freedom felt like? and then we were attacked by that monster and you - well, you saved me, remember? you dragged me back inside of the city, crying like a baby, and i was telling you to 'shut up and calm down' and - it was funny, because i was the one who got hurt, but you were the one hurting.

you always seem to hurt for me; without you, i would have to bear the burden on my own. you are so much stronger than me in that aspect - if i had to carry my entire life on my shoulders, i would collapse. it helps to have you hold me up when it becomes too much.

people are made to depend on each other, but the only person i've felt obligated to depend on is you. as much as i hate it, i need you, flynn.

funny how things work out, huh?

- yuri

. .

(nineteen. "never enough")

yuri lowell -

i'm so, so sorry.

- sodia

. .

(twenty. "bashful")

estelle,

i - i'm not great with words like you or anything, but - but i -

i really...

estelle, you - estelle, what i'm trying to say - it's just that -

you mean more to me than you may ever know.

from, rita

. .

(twenty-one. "this time i mean it")

raven,

sometimes, when i tell you that you have a chance, i'm being sincere.

i have learned to trust you, raven. i have learned to appreciate who you are. and while i don't particularly appreciate you constantly trying to spot me naked, i can understand your interest.

so, please, don't be too discouraged.

love,

judith

. .

(twenty-two. "i will hold you up")

yuri,

sometimes, i feel as though i speak of you too fondly.

but you are you, yuri, and i am me, and there has always been a strange feeling that lingers in our conversations, in the precious and rare moments we spend together. it is hard for me to put into words how strongly i care about you. i feel as though words would not be enough.

yuri, you are a part of me that i cannot live without.

i take pride in being a piece of you, too.

from, flynn

. .

(twenty-three. "everything")

dear estelle,

it is because of you that i learned how to live.

love, yuri

fin.