ToUM - Chapter 7

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~7~

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"It's been three days. This waiting has to end." Says Aveline impatiently while she irritatingly paces back and forth.

She's been doing this damn near every second of the three days we've been stuck here. I could tolerate it for a while when I had other things to occupy myself. Like trying to keep my magic under wraps in case the Templars get overly suspicious. But she's really starting to drive me nuts. Not to mention that no magic to play with and a tense and worried Bethany equals supreme boredom for me.

"I'm sure it won't be much longer." Leandra replies hopefully. "Gamlen must still be looking for us."

"Yeah, Aveline, what she said. In the mean time could you stop with the pacing? You're making me dizzy." I say exasperatedly. All I got in response was a nasty glare but Aveline mercifully stopped moving.

"Don't look now," says Hawke, "but I think that's our man."

I turn my head and, lo and behold, here comes one Gamlen Amell. He doesn't make a very impressive sight. He seems clean enough but there is just an air about him that makes me distrust him instantly. This is regardless of what I know about what he's done and will do in his life. He just feels like a shady character.

Nonetheless, he seems happy to see his sister again. "Leandra!" He exclaims happily, raising his arms once he gets close enough. He laughs, gesturing to the ample grey in her hair. "Damn girl, the years haven't been kind to you!"

"Gamlen!" Leandra shrieks just as happily before immediately snatching her brother up in a big hug. One that he seems somewhat hesitant to return.

"L-Let me say up front, I wasn't expecting this." He stammers out looking very uncomfortable all of a sudden. "The Blight, your husband...dead...I'd, uh, figured you'd pretty much be Ferelden for life."

"We barely made it out in time." Leandra says breathlessly. "If it wasn't for Bethany's suitor, Anthony, and the boys, I don't think we would've all made it."

Suitor, huh? That's new. Gamlen just gives me an appraising look along with a long sigh before turning back to his sister. "Oh, Maker save me, Leandra, don't drop this on me here. I don't even know if I can help you get in."

"Would it help if I said you were my favorite uncle?" Hawke quips helpfully.

Gamlen chuckles. "It'd make me feel better, but that's about it." His voice quickly turns serious. "I was hoping to grease some palms, but the knight-commander's cracking down." He pounds his fist in his hand. "We're going to need more grease."

Leandra is confused. "But...what about the estate?" She asks. "Surely, Father left something when he died.

Gamlen is suddenly evasive. Here it comes. "Right, about the estate...It's, uh, gone. To settle a debt. I've been meaning to write you."

"Then there's no hope." To her credit, Leandra only hangs her head and does not burst into what I'd think is justified fury. Or tears.

"Not quite." Gamlen says still looking rightly uncomfortable. Bastard. "I know some people who might help...if you're not delicate about the company you keep."

"We don't have any choice, do we?" Says Hawke bitterly, wisely deciding not to delve into the unpleasantness regarding his family's inheritance at the moment. "I need to get my family into Kirkwall."

Gamlen doesn't miss a beat as he continues. "I talked to my contacts and I found some people who might be willing to pay your way into the city." He pauses and looks around shiftily...again. Okay, I really don't trust this guy. If I didn't know what was going to happen, I'd probably walk away right now. And I know that he kinda does have a valid reason for being so shifty, but he's just not very good at hiding it. "The catch is, you and your siblings will have to work off the debt. For a year.

Leandra is appalled. "A year!" She practically yells.

"It's the best I could do!" Gamlen fires back defensively. "Trust me when I say a bunch of refugees won't get a better option anywhere else."

Everyone is silent for a moment as we all contemplate the choice in front of us. I don't plan on saying anything, though the beginnings of an idea are starting to hit me. Not surprisingly, Hawke speaks first.

"We cut down dozens of Darkspawn and an ogre to get here." He says resolutely. "That has to count for something."

Gamlen chuckles again. It's clear he doesn't believe his nephew. "Unless you brought along an ogre's head along on the boat, I doubt it." Mirth gone, he continues. "I managed to convince my contacts to come to the Gallows to meet you personally. Meeran heads up the mercenary company, the Red Iron. They're looking for recruits. Athenril...I guess you might call her a smuggler. Either one of them can help you. All you need is find them in the courtyard and convince them you'd be worth the trouble."

"We'll have to talk it over," Hawke replies. "But we'll find them and see what they have to say."

"Oh Gamlen, I don't know about this." Leandra says worriedly.

"It's a lot of coin, Leandra." Says Gamlen almost apologetically. "Don't go expecting our name to carry the same kind of weight it used to.

"And what of me?" Aveline makes herself known and I have to suppress a small flinch. She needs to learn how to make some noise or something. "I will not allow others to incur debts on my behalf."

"Can't see that it makes a difference." Gamlen replies with a dismissive chortle. "You look like a lady who can pull her own weight."

Leandra speaks up as well. "Then you'll come with us."

"I...have no real option." Aveline says hesitantly. "Thank you."

Leandra turns to the rest of the group. "Gamlen and I will stay over here and talk. It's been so long and I think I'd just be in the way. You all should go and see about these...people." She says that last word rather distastefully. I don't really blame her.

"Already bossing me about, eh sister?" Gamlen says ruefully, shaking his head. "Just like old times already."

"Oh, hush..." Leandra's voice trails off as she moves off to a more secluded area to reconnect with her brother, I guess. The rest of us move off to another side to formulate our plan of action. Hawke wastes no time in speaking the moment we stop moving.

"What do you think about this Carver? Bethany?" He asks urgently to his siblings.

Carver is nonchalant. "What can I say? Better here than nowhere."

"I don't really care who we work for," says Bethany before hesitating a bit. "But I'd prefer not to have to kill too many more people. I'll go with whatever you decide though, brother."

"I agree with Bethany," says Aveline. "Needless bloodshed is to be avoided at all costs." She pauses before turning to me, "Anthony, do you have any thoughts on this?"

"Well...yes, actually." I say letting my earlier idea come out. "Is it possible that we could work for them both?"

"What?"

"Think about it." I respond eagerly, letting the words tumble from my mouth." We have more to offer than Gamlen probably told them. The only reason why those two are willing to pay any amount of money to get us in is probably because of Bethany's magic. They don't know that we have two mages."

"What would having two mages do to change anything?" Asks Hawke skeptically.

"Depending on what Gamlen told them - and I expect that he told them everything he knows to strengthen his negotiating position - they only expect one mage. I doubt Leandra told him about me other than the fact that I'm Bethany's 'suitor,' apparently, so he wouldn't have told Athenril or Meeran. With two mages we can either negotiate a better deal with one or split our time between the two to double our protection and pay. Besides, I don't want to know what Gamlen did to become acquainted with these kinds of people anyway." Actually I do, but they don't know that. "He might owe them both a debt that he's hoping our employment will settle. I have a sinking suspicion that whoever we turn down, if we go down that road, will turn out to be a problem later."

"Anthony, you'd go into indentured servitude with us?" Bethany asks with open wonder in her voice.

"Well...yeah." I say somewhat nervously. "I'm not exactly happy about it, but I'd do it for us all. Where I come from, my people have had a long and traumatic experience with 'servitude' so it is a hard decision, but one I feel confident in making."

"Really? You've never told me this." Exclaims Bethany with alarm and no small amount of curiosity. "Why would you offer such a thing, then?"

I shrug. "You guys are pretty much all I've got right now. I may not be good for much, but anything I can do to help, you best believe I'm gonna do it."

"Sounds a little too selfless to me. There must be something you stand to gain in this." Carver says suspiciously. I guess I don't blame him. I had the big heart-to-heart with Hawke, not Carver so I'm not too surprised that he isn't completely sold on me yet.

I shrug again. "If you want a purely selfish reason," I say neutrally, "then sticking with you guys in this venture is my best bet in avoiding the Templars. A largely untrained apostate in a city with arguably the most vigilant Templars in the world isn't going to last long on his own. That is certainly a substantial part of my decision but I genuinely don't want to leave you all."

"Makes sense. But haven't we tried to kill you several times?" Asks Carver with a good-natured smirk.

"Details." I say dismissively. "You've also saved me repeatedly on the way here. I think I could find it in my heart to forgive you."

"About this better deal you want to negotiate," interrupts Hawke, his voice carrying a great deal of interest. "What did you have in mind?"

Yeah...what did I have in mind?

"Um, we could have them split the price of our entry into the city," I reply, practically thinking out loud. "Then we could demand a fairer wage over the year we have to work as a result. They would've likely paid us peanuts if only one of them ponied up the full amount to get us into Kirkwall. Get them to work together and add my services into the mix and we have a better position with which to negotiate."

There is a pause as everyone takes in my idea. Hawke speaks first. Surprisingly, he has on his serious voice. "So you'd be fine for working as both a smuggler and mercenary? These aren't exactly what I'd call safe lines of work."

I sigh in exasperation. "Hawke, we already had this conversation on the ship. Yes, I'm willing to work as a smuggler and mercenary. I already told you that I'm game for whatever happens when we got to Kirkwall, no matter what. I'm not about to change my mind now."

"Brother, I think this actually is a good idea." Says Carver thoughtfully. Would you look at that. "If he wants to fight with us, then I say let him fight." Carver then turns to look me straight in the eye with admirable intensity. "Mage or not, though, I'm going to train him to fighting shape fitting for a warrior. We had to save his sorry hide far too much in Lothering. The battles are only going to get worse and I won't have him if he can't pull his own weight."

"No objections here." I say, shrugging my shoulders. I happen to agree with him.

"You say that now..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Training is gonna be a bitch and I'll likely hate you before it's over. I understand."

"Well as long as we understand each other then."

"Okay, men, you've made your point." Aveline interjects forcefully with an air of irritation. Dude, she's wound up tighter than an old man's watch. "Lets just talk to these people and get this over with."

"Agreed," Hawke says with a nod. "Let's find them." With that, we all turned and walked towards the nearest of our future employers.

-o0o-

I like Athenril. She's the first elf that I've had the chance to really see in Thedas and I have to say, I think I'm really going to like them if she's any indication. Well, visually at least. Athenril was absolutely beautiful with big green eyes that command your attention and a tough as nails air about her that was pretty appealing. She was a bit on the skinny side and didn't have the same excellent curves that Bethany has, but her body was very lithe and seemed athletic. A sentiment that I could appreciate and if I wasn't mistaken, so could Carver. Unfortunately for her, I'm taken, but I think I'm going to have a thing for elves from now on. Just a little one...no need to tell Bethany or anything.

Though aside from quickly raking her gaze over me in a purely analytical fashion after the revelation that I was also a mage, Athenril's eyes were all for Hawke. Now, I'm not the most adept at reading body language, but there was definitely an extra tilt to her hip in Hawke's direction that became all the more pronounced when we got her money back from that shady merchant in the courtyard.

Or, more accurately, once Aveline got the money back. She single-handedly scared the living piss out of the merchant and his guards and got the cash without any bloodshed. It had the consequence of driving the man away so no one could trade goods to hopefully get into the city, but we got what Athenril needed.

After that, Athenril was more than eager to let us join her. When she heard our proposition about working with Meeran, she took a moment to consider it but eventually relented to speak with the man as long as she could have a private talk with Hawke later. Hawke had agreed with a smirk much to Carver's jealousy and Bethany's mortification. It seems that Hawke knows how to get around...and likes elves apparently. Who would've guessed?

Our meeting with Meeran was pretty straightforward. He was a violent son of a bitch that Carver took an instant liking to, but it seemed like we could work for him. However, once he told us his price for joining him: to kill a man who never did anything to us just trying to get out of the city, Hawke and Aveline promptly punched him in the face and walked away. The rest of us followed after them, wanting to get out of dodge before Meeran and his men recovered from the shock.

"Um...Hawke," I say tentatively as we headed back to Athenril to tell her of the 'negotiations'. "What about our plan of working for them both?"

"Yes brother," says Carver, disappointment and anger practically rolling off of him in waves. "What of the plan? It isn't like he asked us to do anything we've never done before. What's one man for the rest of our family?"

"No." Hawke says stonily without breaking stride. "We are not assassins, Carver. We protect, not destroy. We fight only in defense of ourselves, and those important to us. Have you forgotten everything father taught us?"

Really? Well, he was definitely quick to try and kill me when we first met.

Carver scoffs. "No brother, I just thought our family was important enough to take care of one man we've never even met. You heard Meeran; the bastard had betrayed him and left his men to die. Doesn't he deserve his revenge?"

"If he wants to avenge his men so badly, then let Meeran take care of it himself. I will not lower myself to that of a petty assassin."

"You're a blade for hire, brother!" Carver snarls while speeding up his stride to stop Hawke from walking away. "These are not instruments of peace and we won't gain anything if we don't use our bloody skills!"

"Yes, our 'bloody' skills, Carver. I do not want to spend my days simply causing endless death for no reason other than to line our pockets."

Oh, he's going to hate it in Kirkwall then.

"I will take up my blades when I have to but I will not kill a man for no reason. Father taught me better than that. He taught you better than that, Carver."

Carver runs his hand through his hair in frustration. "Well he isn't here now, is he? We have to take care of mother and Bethany as best we can and we cannot afford to be making enemies already."

"I can quite take care of myself, you know." Says Bethany idly, shooting Carver a glare. "I agree with Garrett, brother. I didn't much like that man and I did not like the idea that we'd have to kill an innocent man just to earn the chance to kill more. If I must break the law, I'd much rather be a thief than a murderer."

"Oh what bloody difference does it make? We'd still be criminals! Anthony and Aveline, what about you two? You can't agree with this can you?"

Shit. Put on the spot, again. Thankfully I was saved from having to answer by Aveline speaking up first.

"I agree with your brother and sister, Carver." Aveline says, self-righteously crossing her arms across her chest. "There is absolutely no excuse for murder. Sometimes it is necessary to fight to protect what is important, but heedless killing for personal gain is unacceptable. Frankly, I'm worried with your obstinate attitude regarding the subject."

"Oh, sod off you hypocrite!" Carver says with venom before turning his gaze to me. Shit. "Anthony, this was your idea in the first place. Talk some sense into them!"

I take a deep breath before speaking. I can feel everyone's eyes on me and it's beyond uncomfortable. "Okay, I can see why you're upset and I agree that we should be willing to do anything we can in order to survive."

"Thank you!" Carver exclaims with a triumphant grin while everyone else looks at me funny. Bethany's grip loosens a bit in my hand. "Finally someone sees reason!"

"BUT," I say forcefully. "There has to be a line we cannot cross or we just become common thugs. The moment we stop caring about the lives of others is when we lose our humanity. Where we lose that special quality that separates us from animals or the Darkspawn. I'm sorry Carver, but I can't fault Hawke for making the decision he did, even if it means we'll lose money in the long run."

Carver's face falls while I get a nod of approval from both Aveline and Hawke. Beth reaffirms her grip within mine and I do the same.

"Carver," says Hawke softly to his brother, clapping a strong hand on Carver's shoulder. "We understand your concerns but I could not in good conscience work for that man. You're an adult now and fully capable of making your own decisions. But so are we. If you want to go back and take Meeran up on his offer, I won't stop you."

Wait, what? This is new.

"Just remember that we're family and that family always looks out for each other. No matter what. The choice is yours, Carver."

Carver scoffs again, but this time the sound is less angry and more of a hollow expression. "As if they'd have me. The only reason they were even considering us was because we had a mage. They'd probably laugh at me if I turned up on my own."

Silence falls on among the group before I'm suddenly struck with an idea. "Then you need a mage," I say.

Everyone's head turns to look at me again. What are you doing, Anthony? "Go back to them with a mage and I'm sure they'll have you." I say amid the stares. I must be out of my mind.

"Yes, because it's just so easy to find an apostate on such short notice willing to work with a mercenary group." Carver says sarcastically. "Unless you or Beth are volunteering, I don't think it's going to happen."

"What if I am volunteering?" I ask to raised eyebrows and a small gasp from Bethany.

Another small silence ensues with Carver just staring at me as if he'd never met me before in his life. Which actually isn't too far from the truth now that I think about it. In the meantime, I cross my arms and meet his gaze head on. Why am I doing this again?

"You'd do that for me?" He asks in a surprisingly low voice. "What about all that nonsense about 'lines that shouldn't be crossed' and what not?"

I take a deep breath before responding. "I stand by what I said before. But you should be able to pick your own path in life and not just be relegated to following your brother around forever."

I turn briefly to look at Hawke, "No offense," I say apologetically. He doesn't respond.

Turning back to the younger Hawke, I continue. "If I can help make that possible, then I will. Besides, I already said that I'd be willing to work as a mercenary even if I need training. Not to mention that someone needs to be around to keep you on the straight and narrow. I figure I'd be as good as any to do it."

"Anthony, are you sure you want to do this?" Asks Hawke impassively. "You'd help kill a man just so Carver can go his own way?" I'm wondering at that myself, honestly.

"The way I see it," I say, carefully trying to school my face into showing none of my raging inner turmoil about what I've just agreed to, "My debt's to all of you. That includes Carver. How I deal with my conscience is on me." I give a meaningful look to a worried Bethany. "Thankfully, I'll have some help...or at least, I hope so."

She starts a bit and appears a little confused, but finds her voice surprisingly quickly. "Y-yes, of course you'll have help you insufferably noble idiot." She says before latching onto me with a strong hug. "You keep Carver safe and I'll be there whenever you need me. Just...be careful. Things like this can change people. I don't want you to change." She pulls back a bit and looks me sternly in the eyes. "Do you remember my father's words?"

"Yeah." I reply softly, returning her gaze. "'My magic will serve that which is best in me, not what is most base.'"

"Never forget it." She says pulling herself back into an embrace. "Now more than ever."

I just nod in response. There isn't much else I can say so I don't say anything and enjoy the feel of the girl in my arms while contemplating her words. Even in the game, Malcolm Hawke's mantra struck a chord with me. Now with it actually being applicable to my situation, it means even more. It's what sets apart a mage and a maleficar in my mind, no matter what the Chantry says. Mages have so much power and equal potential for tremendous good as well as tremendous evil. I refuse to fall into the pitfalls that so many others stumble into. My magic will be an extension of myself, for good or ill, and I will strive for it to reflect the best of me regardless of my questionable surroundings. I will always keep those words in the back of my mind.

"This is a dangerous path you are speaking of traveling." Aveline says thoughtfully as Bethany and I part. "I am unsure that any changes you will find will be for the better working for that man."

"I disagree, but I appreciate your concern, Aveline." I respond as respectfully as I can before turning back to my new partner. "Carver, let's go see this man Meeran wants taken care of."

"Right." He says, his focus and good cheer seeming to come back instantly. "Thank you, Anthony. This means a lot."

"I'm sure." I say dryly. Before we turn to walk away, I suddenly got another idea. Man, I'm racking them up today. "Carver, you go on ahead. I have to talk to your brother for a moment."

Carver gives me a funny look. "Why?" He asks suspiciously. "Is there a reason I have to go?"

"None in particular. I just figured that you'd want to scope out the targets while I handle some business. I'll be there soon."

Carver eyes me with a long look that I steadily return before he finally nods. "Alright, but don't take too long. I'd prefer we got this over with."

"Trust me. I agree completely. I'll be over soon."

As Carver walks away, I turn to the elder Hawke brother. "Having second thoughts?" He asks me with arms crossed against his broad chest.

"Second thoughts. Third thoughts. Forth, fifth and sixth thoughts, if you must know." I say nervously. "But I think I'm doing the right thing in the long run."

"How so?" Hawke questions. "Carver's gone, you know. You can tell us your plan now."

I narrow my eyes suspiciously. "What makes you think I have a plan?"

"It's practically written all over your face." He scoffs. "You're obviously up to something. Please share."

I'm silent for a moment and I can practically feel the trust I'd tentatively built with Hawke start to chip away. "You wouldn't happen to have any bombs or grenades of some sort would you?" I ask neutrally.

He sighs. That was clearly not what he wanted to hear. "Yes. Do I want to know why you need one?"

"It's for this 'initiation' thing." I answer honestly. I need to keep building trust with Hawke since this half cocked plan has him skeptical of me yet again. "I want to make this as...clean...as I possibly can without using magic. The Templars will be able to sense it if I use any major spells here and I won't be able to help Carver otherwise."

"Fine. I guess that's fair." He reaches into a pouch and pulls out a round glass globe. Reaching out, Hawke carefully drops the globe into my outstretched hand.

"Smoke bomb. Throw it and it'll make a thick cloud sure to create a moment of confusion on impact. Give it three heartbeats before either of you go into the cloud. The fumes are harsh if you aren't used to them. That should be enough for Carver to go in and make short work of whatever opposition you'll face."

I take the small bomb gratefully. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. As payment, tell us what you're planning with this. Not just the bomb, but this whole stepping up to join Carver with Meeran even after I refused."

"I did." I say confusedly. I'm pretty sure I was clear on my intentions before.

"No you didn't." Bethany says, concern etched onto her pretty features. "Anthony, this isn't like you. You aren't a killer. What's going on?"

"Alright, fine. Carver is willing to work with Meeran, but you two aren't. Our original idea was to make deals with them both and with Carver's willingness we still can.

"Or we could all go to Athenril and negotiate a better deal. You said that was an option as well.

"Yeah, but that's only with all of us willing. Carver really wants to work for Meeran. If you force him to drop this and make him work for Athenril instead, he'll resent you for making choices for him.

"He'll get over it."

"Debatable. I don't know about you, but I've noticed that Carver has a lot of pride. Hurting it now would only make him less likely to listen to you later. Besides, didn't you pretty much say he could go his own way? I'm making it so he can but you don't seem happy about it. Why?"

"I was telling him what he needed to hear. I knew that he wouldn't get an audience without a mage after what I did to Meeran. If he thought I would've let him go even though he got turned away, he'd come back and wouldn't have to be a killer for hire. Everyone wins."

Whoa. Manipulative bastard! But...it makes sense. That might've worked better than my plan. Shit. Me and my mouth.

"I...agree with you on that, Hawke, but Carver has to learn that lesson himself." I say, speaking completely off the top of my head. I really didn't think this through as much as I should have before I said anything. "He has to be given the chance to be his own man and I think we should give him that chance."

"At what cost? Losing himself and everything his family taught him?"

"No. Why do you think I'm doing this with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"I told you that someone needs to keep him on the straight and narrow, right? That'll be my job. Think of me as his conscience while we work for Meeran. I'll make sure he completely understands what he's doing and the consequences of his actions. I'll walk into that darkness with him so I can bring him back to you whole after this year is up."

"Commendable, but who's going to be looking out for you while you look out for my brother?"

"I will." Bethany says softly with dawning comprehension. "This is what you were getting at earlier, isn't it?"

I sheepishly rub the back of my head. "Yeah, but it was all kinda spur of the moment. I think I was sorta hoping that I could rely on you guys to keep me from slipping. Whatever that might mean, since I have no clue what I'm doing."

Hawke sighs again. "Bold plan, Anthony. But really, you should have run it by us first." He's silent for a moment before continuing. "I'm assuming that you'll want to try and negotiate that joint venture again now that Meeran is back in play?"

"I...hadn't thought that far ahead, to be honest." I say pretty weakly. I reach up and nervously run my hands through the thick, curly mass of hair beginning to make itself known on my scalp. I think I've got a nice Muhammad Ali mini-fro going on right now. I have no clue what I'm going to do with it since there aren't any barbers used to my strange-by-Ferelden-and-Kirkwall-standards hair texture around here. Well, that I know of, anyway. Maybe Isabela will have some ideas when we eventually meet her...Rivain seems to have the brown people - and, hopefully, the subsequent knowledge of specific types of hair - in Thedas.

"Well do it, then. I won't kill for the man, but I'd be willing to act as a scout every now and then for the Red Iron. I have some experience with it from my time in King Cailan's army. I'd prefer to primarily work with Athenril but we can still make this a joint venture and reap the rewards together."

"I'd be willing to do the same with healing and scout work with Garrett. Whatever I can do to help."

"Any objections?"

"None I can think of." I reply with a shrug. "I'm similarly available for Athenril whenever you guys need some extra firepower...or whatever else I end up being good at. I don't really have a specialty at the moment."

"Don't worry, we'll take care of that. I still have father's runes though we will have to be more careful from now on. You've been making great progress and I'm sure we'll figure something out for you."

"Thanks Beth." I say gratefully. "Looking forward to it."

"You should probably get over to Carver and handle your business. We'll explain everything to Athenril while you two do whatever you're going to do with Meeran."

-o0o-

One short walk and conversation later and Carver and I are headed towards one of the side corridors of the Gallows. We decided to go straight for the man that Meeran had picked for our target rather than risk speaking with him before proving our worth. After the way Hawke and Aveline dropped him, I'd like to keep my distance until we've finished the job. During the walk across the courtyard to the target, I repeatedly berated myself for the choice I've made. This is so beyond stupid! Why the hell would I agree to such a thing? I'm no killer! I've never so much as killed anything larger than a mouse before I got here and now I think I can just become a mercenary expected to participate in death on a near daily basis? It's fucking madness!

Not to mention that I agreed to help Carver kill a man I've never met, going against every moral sensibility that I've ever had. Why, oh why did I choose to do this? I should've just stuck with Hawke, Bethany and Athenril. At least then I'd be able to soothe my conscience with thievery instead of murder like Beth. But then I look over at Carver's face and I instantly know why I agreed to this.

The man is determined and focused on the task at hand, sure, but there is a lightness to him that wasn't there before. He's finally doing something on his own and I can see that it means something to him. Something fierce if that look on his face is any indication. By agreeing to go with him to Meeran, I'm giving Carver a chance to be his own man for the first time in his life. I'm also doing it in a way that hopefully won't foster resentment between him and the rest of his family given that it was his choice and that Garrett pretty much gave his blessing for him to do his own thing. In the long run, this might help far more than just Carver.

I can also keep him grounded like I said before to Hawke. I may not be the most upstanding citizen, but I seem to remember that Carver can be easily led astray by strong influences. Like the Templar Order. I'd rather he avoid that potential can of worms. I'll serve as a counterbalance to that while letting the younger Hawke run the show to give him a true taste of that spotlight he craves so much over the next year. I'm certainly no leader...or at least, not yet. I'm too much of a liability at the moment.

Speaking of which, serving as a mercenary is likely to make me very acquainted with combat. As much as the thought chills my blood and fills me with dread, it is experience that I sorely need. The more that I think about it, the more appropriate this 'test' of Meeran's seems. To be a mercenary, one has to be willing to kill and not ask questions. It isn't too different from what I'll have to do with Hawke, really. But sometimes...those questions are important. Hawke knows this, which is why he walked. I'm not sure if Carver does.

We reach a small area out of the way of the main courtyard where our target is standing with two armed bodyguards. The man himself is armed as well but is wearing what I think are noble garments if the garishly bright colors are any indication. Not that protected, really, when one thinks about it. Carver halts his stride out of their line of sight and turns towards me.

"How do you want to handle this?" He asks, giving me an expectant look.

I raise an eyebrow. Why ask me? Wouldn't that be against the entire point of my agreement to this lunacy? "Aren't you the one who wants to 'forge his own path'?" I challenge. "I'm here as support, but this is your show. I'll do whatever you decide."

"You'd follow my orders?" He asks disbelievingly.

I let out a long-suffering sigh of frustration. "Why must you all question my decisions?" I mutter lowly to myself. I raise my voice returning to Carver. "Yes. I will follow whatever order you give...within reason, of course, but that goes without saying." I move my hands in an uncertain gesture. "Haven't we already been through this several times, already?"

"With my brother - and maybe my sister - but not me." Carver says looking at me peculiarly. "I thought that was just for Garrett since he's clearly the leader of this little group and Bethany because you fancy her. Why bother with me?"

" I'm pretty sure I left with you. Why wouldn't that willingness carry over?"

"I don't know, nobody listens to what I have to say. You're probably the first."

"The first of many, I'm sure. And I think that people listen to you more than you'd think. You probably just don't have the best ideas for the situation so they're passed over. As to why I'll listen to you, I'm quite sure I said that my debt extends to all of you. We should just leave it at that."

"You don't even know me. Besides, you say my ideas aren't always so great and yet here you are, ready to follow me into murderous crime. What does that say about your decision-making?

"It says that I'm a risk taker." I say, outwardly nonchalant but internally turbulent. "If it makes you feel better, I'll give you some advice but the ultimate decision rests with you. You want out of your brother's shadow? Own your actions and be decisive. That's what I think the difference is between you two. But for this situation, in particular...you should talk to him first."

"Huh? What are you getting at?"

"We've been tasked with ending this man's life, Carver. That's something we can never take back."

"I think I know that! I've done this before, unlike you."

"And it doesn't bother you?"

"Whether it does or doesn't is none of your concern. This is just something that has to be done."

"What if he doesn't deserve it?"

"You heard Meeran. He does."

"We've only heard Meeran's side of the story. What if the circumstances were more complicated? What if this was all a misunderstanding and we end up murdering an innocent man? Do you want something like that on your conscience? I sure as hell don't!"

"Even so...what good would talking to him do? We still have to kill him to join the Red Iron. It won't matter in the end."

"It'll matter to you cause you'll know that you've done the right thing. We have a job but we can at least make sure that we're doing it without losing ourselves in the process."

"What in the bloody hell does that even mean?"

"Empathy! Compassion and regard for our fellow man! The ability to think, reason and generally give a shit about other people! These things are what set us apart from animals. It's what make us human. Killing indiscriminately makes us lose sight of that and we become no better than the Darkspawn."

Carver is silent for a moment thinking it over. "Fine," he says finally. "I'll talk to the man...fat lot of good that'll do. But what if this goes sour? Will you help me do what needs to be done, then?"

"Yes. Without a doubt. I have a smoke bomb your brother gave me that'll catch them by surprise. It should give you enough of an opening to blast them all with a single swipe of that Buster Sword of yours."

"Effective."

"Yeah." I say dryly, taking a few steps forward, still doing my best to get over how easily I was able to come up with that.

"I guess I'll lead the way."

"You do that."

"I have a question, though?"

"Shoot."

"What's a Buster Sword?"

"Uh, never mind that. Let's just get this over with."

Carver nods and we venture over to the targets. Definitely not living people. Targets. Yup. Totally cool.

No. Accept them, as they are, David. You cannot dehumanize them. Be a man, dammit! Accept the consequences of your actions!

"Have you checked the courtyard again?"

"He's still out there, but he's alone. And he's not making a move."

"I don't trust this! What will we do when the ship comes?"

"Wait! Who are you? I demand to know what you're doing here!"

"Doesn't matter. I have a couple questions for you."

I swallow nervously. Here goes nothing.

-o0o-

"Well look who came crawling back, boys! You know you've got a lot of nerve coming back here after what your brother and that redheaded bitch did." Meeran looks around almost languidly. As if we pose no threat at all. "I notice he isn't here, but he's one of them rogues. He could be anywhere for all I know. Them sneaky types love that little trick."

"No. It's just us." Carver says succinctly.

"Excuse me if I don't exactly feel reassured," says Meeran. "Now, what do you want boy?"

Carver looks to me hopefully as if he wants me to take command of the conversation. I shake my head no and gesture back over to Meeran. This is not my show it's his. It's funny...for all of his talk and bluster; Carver seems to not enjoy the direct spotlight as much as I'd have thought.

"W-we," Carver stammers out weakly. He catches himself quickly and clears his throat before continuing in a stronger voice. "My friend and I are still interested in joining the Red Iron."

"Ha! You've had your chance." Meeran snorts and spits inelegantly onto the stone. Classy. "That holier-than-thou dipshit you call a brother ruined that! Besides, we were only interested because of your pretty little apostate. We don't need no more swords, those are a dime a dozen in Kirkwall. Magic off the Chantry's leash? Now that's worth paying for."

I finally decide to butt in, "Really?" I say, stepping forward with a hand raised in front of my face. Taking a moment to concentrate, I summon the smallest sliver of power up and to my fingertips. A tiny crackle of electricity rises in a single arc between my fingers before immediately going dead. "Better take out your coin purse, then."

"You had another one all along?" Laughs Meeran gleefully. "Oh you boys just made my week! But there's still a matter of that task I mentioned earlier. It would seem that you two need a new one since someone already beat you to it."

"We know," says Carver unapologetically. "We're the ones who did it."

"Think of it as a peace offering." I say languidly, willing myself not to think about the messy scene we left behind.

Talking didn't work as our targets fished out who sent us quickly and attacked immediately. I threw the smoke bomb and Carver used the cover to dance through the shadows, scything his giant blade through the opposition before they even knew what was happening. I backed out before the smoke cleared to save myself what I knew was a terrible sight but I could not help but get splashed by errant blood splatter. It took everything I had to force down the urge to be sick and I felt terrible about it, but the deed was done.

"A peace offering?" Meeran snorts derisively. "I don't deal in peace boys, and I don't forgive easily. I thank you for taking care of the blighter - may the shit on his grave - but you aren't a member of the Red Iron yet."

Wait...what?

Our confusion must've shown on our faces as Meeran just laughs and continues on. "I gave that task to your little shit of a brother, boy. He turned it down and insulted me and mine in the process. I don't let things like that stand."

I suddenly have a sinking feeling in my gut. I think I can see where this is going...and I don't like it. At all.

"So, if you and your mage friend here wants to be a part of the Red Iron, I want your brother and that ginger bitch's heads at my feet by nightfall. Do what you will with the rest. These conditions are non negotiable."

A heavy silence falls amongst us.

Carver and I are more than a little taken aback. "Y-you can't expect me to kill my brother?!" He sputters out, looking and sounding every bit his age at the moment. "I mean, sure, we don't always get on well but that doesn't mean I'd ever raise my blade against him."

"Well that leaves us with a problem, doesn't it boys?" Meeran says evenly. The sound of metal on metal rings as the men flanking the Red Iron Commander draws their swords. Fuck. I really don't like where this is going.

"The way I see it," Meeran continues. "I'm owed compensation for the disrespect shown to me by your brother and Ginger. I want this price to be paid before I even consider you two to join my outfit and I've decided my price to be two lives ended, tonight. I want theirs, but yours would do just as nicely."

"No, just yours will be sufficient." A different, yet familiar voice announces in the distance.

Before anyone could blink, a smashing sound was heard and a heavy cloud of thick, black smoke plunges me into darkness. For one terrifying moment, I was sure that I was blind. I could hear noises...screams, wet gurgles and thuds, but I could see nothing. All too soon, the sounds stop though I still cannot see. Thankfully, the slight breeze blowing in from the sea eventually clears enough of the smoke away for my eyes to be useful again.

I almost wish it hadn't.

In front of me where there was once Meeran and several armed men were now a small pile of bodies bleeding profusely upon the stone floor. None of them were moving. Every single one of their eyes was wide open and staring up at nothing with the pale sheen of death already about them. Grisly doesn't even begin to appropriately describe the scene in front of me. It was horrific.

And standing above them all with a fierce expression and red stained blades hanging resolutely in his hands and dripping blood onto the whitewashed stone tiles of the Gallows, was none other than Garrett Hawke.

It was the type of scene I would have thought would make a great wallpaper a few months ago but now...now I want to be as far away from this place as possible. It reminded me terribly of what happened just a few short days ago when Hawke, Carver and Aveline fought those mercenaries. It reminded me of the outcome of Carver's handiwork on the distracted nobleman and his men not even an hour earlier. So much death in so little time.

At that instance, I had a moment of clarity. An epiphany, if you will. I realized that this is a scene that is going to repeat itself again, and again, and again for the next decade or more in Hawke's life. Oh sure, I've always known this to be the case but knowing something and seeing it with your own eyes are two completely different things. Hawke is a killer. There are no two ways about it. He appears to have a code and some morals that he believes in, which is a good thing. But that does not change the fact that everything that the future Champion of Kirkwall accomplishes comes at the expense of others' lives. It's war profiteering without the war. It's blood money and glory. It's different than when I fought Darkspawn, as they literally looked like monsters. There is something inherently disturbing about the sight of a bloody and purely human corpse that bothers me. The very idea of it is beginning to make me ill. Can I really do this?

"Anthony, are you all right?"

I turn around and see Bethany's beautiful form rushing up to me, heedless of the bloodshed left by her brother. Her amber eyes are wide with concern and a small frown mars her face. Like before, seeing her upset doesn't sit well with me, but it fills me with that same determination and resolve I felt when we fled Lothering and yet was strangely absent when I was just with Carver. I'm still horrified at the killings that I've witnessed and been a part of over these past few days but I feel that I can handle it as long as she's with me. God, when did I become such a fucking sap?

"I-I'm fine, Bethy." I manage to get out. "Just have to get used to...well, that." I gesture to the corpses behind me.

Bethany looks over and flinches a bit. Almost as if she just noticed what had happened. "Yes, that does take some getting used to. I try not to think about it much."

Before I can respond, Aveline stalks up and takes it upon herself to intervene. "I take it your negotiations didn't go as planned?"

"Oh, no." I deadpan, immediately annoyed. "This is exactly what Carver and I wanted. Plan went off without a hitch."

Aveline smiles ruefully. "I'm sure."

A bloody Hawke and a morose Carver walk up to us before I can respond. I feel bad for Carver. He was so set on making his own way and to be tricked like that...I have to talk to him later.

"We need to get Mother and head back to Athenril." Says Hawke brusquely. "Tell her the deal with Meeran went south and that she'll be getting all of us, after all."

"Hawke," I say somewhat sheepishly. "Thank you. You saved my life again."

Hawke turns his attention to me and levels a glare so fierce that it momentarily freezes me where I stand. "The next time you try plotting on your own with any of my family's lives in the balance, I might not be so generous. You're lucky I kept an eye on you two or else I'd be short a brother and an ally. Do something like that again and our association will come to a very abrupt end."

"Brother..."

"No, Bethany. He almost got your brother killed today. While we're working with Athenril, you will follow our lead at all times. You may give your input if I ask for it, but you will come to me before you do anything affecting more than just yourself within our group. That includes Bethany. Otherwise, I will cut you down where you stand. Do we understand each other?"

"Y-yes, Ser," I stutter weakly.

"Good." He snarls out before turning to his sister. "Bethany, stay with him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Let's get out of here."

Hawke gives me another disappointed glare before stalking off towards his mother and uncle. Carver is quick to follow but he shoots me an almost apologetic glance as he walks away. I do my best to ignore it. I don't deserve any type of sympathy at the moment. Everything Hawke said was completely valid and I feel that I've earned his ire at present.

With the two brothers gone, Bethany and I fall into a silence that soon becomes uncomfortable. I feel the need to apologize to her but I have no idea what to say. 'Sorry I almost killed your brother,' doesn't quite seem to cut it. After what seems like forever, I finally open my mouth.

"Bethy," I start hesitantly. "I..."

"Don't, Anthony." She cuts me off. She turns to face me and I'm surprised to see a complete lack of anger in her face as she regards me. "I understand."

My face must've shown my confusion as she quickly continues on. "For whatever reason, we're connected...just being near you, I can tell. I know how you feel and I believe you. Concentrate and you'll see." She looks around quickly before leaning closer and whispering to me, "It isn't enough of a draw to alert anyone."

At her encouraging nod, I close my eyes and hesitantly reach out with my magic to the point of contact between us in our clasped hands. The moment I feel the warm tendrils of magic snake from my core and touch Bethany's hand, I am instantly aware of her. She's almost as familiar to me as my own self now and with a bit of concentration I find that I can read some of her surface emotions through the link. Concentrating further, I feel her in a way that's not too dissimilar to what happened when we first met, just not as intense or pervasive. We've done this a few times now since that first day I spent in Lothering and we have both gained a certain level of trust with each other to make the connection more easily.

From what I can feel, she's clearly worried for me but above it all there's an overwhelming amount of affection that drowns out any other negative emotion she might feel for me at the moment. Concentrating a little further and I think I can see some of the understanding she was talking about.

"You see, don't you?" Her voice echoes through the link.

I nod, somewhat distractedly as I'm momentarily lost in the sweeping rush of being within her magic. But I can see.

"I was like you once." I hear her say a bit vaguely. All of my focus is currently devoted to maintaining my tenuous hold on her magic so I think I'm feeling her words through the link more than I'm actually hearing them at the moment, if that makes sense. I can't even tell if she's speaking aloud at all.

"Fighting never came easy to me," she continues in that same echo-y tone. "I had to train and gain experience in dealing death alongside my brothers and father before they would ever consistently trust me on the battlefield. I had always been a contingency. Helpful only when we were desperate and that ate at me. You made mistakes today but you'll learn from them and we'll make sure they won't happen again."

Flashes of Bethany's experiences pulsed through our connection as she spoke. I could see a much younger Bethany struggling with offensive magic in her early training. I could see an older, but still very young, Bethany momentarily freezing in fear at the sight of a bandit brandishing a bloodied blade at her before what I assume is a teenaged Hawke shoves her back and viciously slashes at the man with his daggers.

Considering how adeptly I had seen her maneuvering in battle before, it is momentarily jarring for me to see her so seemingly helpless, but it's not altogether surprising. Magic is a skill that has to be honed and necessity forced Bethany to hone her skills towards combat. It isn't very different from my situation at all, and it seems that she understands that.

As always, it seems, her sincerity in the moment is touching. Almost to the point where I can physically feel it. Or maybe it's the magic between us that I'm feeling? I'm not entirely sure. Either way, her point is made and I break the contact between us. It's an odd sensation. Like moving out of a warm building out into the middle of winter. The warmth of the connection lingers but the rest of the world away from her feels unpleasant and unwelcome at the moment.

"I understand Bethy." I say, feeling strangely better about...well everything at the moment. It's strange. "Whenever I'm around you," I begin curiously, "things just seem to make more sense. Is that weird?"

"I don't really know." She admits with a negligent shrug. "But I don't see any reason to let that go to waste."

"Too true," I say with a small grin, which prompts a radiant smile from Bethany. Of all the things I have to worry about, the fact that the only times I feel like my head is on right is when I'm with Bethany doesn't seem like too much of a problem. Unfortunately, it quickly slips from her face and a worried expression takes its place.

"About my brother..." she starts seriously. "You really scared Garrett today, you know that right?"

I open my mouth to speak but the words get caught in my throat. Thinking about it, I can see how my actions today could do that. I interfered with his plans and forced him to adapt on the fly with his brother's life and his sister's emotional state in the balance. For a moment, even his life, as well as Aveline's and Bethany's, were at stake. Most of this was out of his hands because of my actions. Putting myself in his shoes, I'd have been fucking terrified that I'd be unable to keep everyone safe and alive. Granted, I was in my experience, but at least I was an active participant in all of this.

"You scared me too." Bethany says looking away from me.

Oh, damn. The guilt just got worse and now a healthy amount of shame is thrown in as well.

"I-I...shit. But..."

"Shh." She silences me with a single warm finger on my lips. "Things worked out today but you have to make things right with Garrett. Not now, but soon. He's too angry to listen today, but give it time. I forgive you, but my brother is not as forgiving as I am and he forgets nothing."

I nod knowingly, lightly fingering the point on my neck where Hawke and Carver had nearly decapitated me.

"Bethany! Anthony!" Hawke's voice booms across the courtyard commandingly. "Time to go."

Making my way to my feet, I grab Bethany's hand. "Let's go, Anthony," Bethany says gently. "We've got a rough year ahead."

I just nod nervously. That might just be the understatement of the century.

-o0o-

A/N: 2/25/2016 – This was originally written in 2014 but I recently found it buried in some old files. After a cursory check for spelling and grammar, I figured that I might as well upload it. There's a lot here that I never posted and I thought that it was a shame. I'm busy with my last year of college so I don't know if I'll ever really finish this. I was just feeling nostalgic in the early hours of my 22nd birthday while procrastinating on finishing a pair of papers. Hope you enjoyed it.