I own nothing!

"AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!" I shouted as loudly as I could. My day had gotten worse. Yes, the life of the orphan John Koror could get worse.

This morning, I'd woken up late, got yelled at by my foster parents, had to walk to school, then I pass out, and now I am stuck in some woods.

I looked at my stuff. My windbreaker, my backpack, and an archaic iPod. No food and only a half-empty bottle of warm water. Bear Grylls always has at least a flint and knife, plus a camera crew.

Running my hands through my hair, I let out a slow breath. Yeah, I needed to get to the nearest town quickly. Pulling on my backpack, I choose a direction and start walking.

After maybe ten minutes, I came across a trail. It looked like it was fairly well-used, so I figured it had to lead somewhere. After taking a sip of plastic-flavored water, I begin to follow it. Naturally, it took all of ten seconds before something grabbed me by the leg and pulled me a good ten feet into the air.

"YAY!" I heard three small, feminine voices shriek from behind me. "Cutie Mark Crusaders trapping cutie mark!"

There was a few seconds of calm, followed by dissatisfied mumbling.

"Thought for sure that'd work," a voice with a posh accent complained.

"An Ah went to all that work to make this 'ere trap," a southern voice added.

"Told you we should've gone to Rainbow Dash," a third voice adds.

Wait, Rainbow Dash? As in…mother of God. I am in Equestria. (Yes, I know what Equestria is. One of my friends forced me to watch the entire first season of Friendship is Magic, plus the finale of the second. That doesn't mean I like it.)

Okay John. You are about to make the first recorded human to pony interaction. Do not screw it up…

"HEY! YOU LITTLE PUNKS HAVE EXACTLY TEN SECONDS TO LET ME DOWN!" I roared. Well, so much for the diplomatic approach.

The fillies are silent for a few seconds, and then the last voice (Scootaloo, as I've worked out by now) pipes up. 'Um, girls…"

"…Did that there critter jus' talk?" Applebloom asked.

"Are all critters that insulting?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"YOU HEARD ME!" I responded. "LET. ME. DOWN!"

I then heard something that sounded like hooves. "Girls! What are you doing? You know what I said!" a small yet authoritative voice said.

"But Fluttershy," Scotaloo started. "We were tryin' for our cutie marks!"

"That doesn't mean you can…EEEEEEEPP!" I'd guess Fluttershy saw me at the end of that sentence.

"Wha…what is that thing?' Fluttershy asked.

"I'll have you know I'm not a thing, I'm a he." I replied, probably a little more cynically than was necessary. "Now, are any of you going to let me down?"

And, nothing from their end. After a few moments of this, I begin to shift my weight around, trying to get myself to spin. Brilliant idea. As soon as I move, the rope creaks, then, unsurprisingly, snaps. I faintly remember falling, then nothing.

0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

Fluttershy and the CMC stared at the prone figure of the creature before Scootaloo slowly approached it. "Looks like its sleeping."

Fluttershy then nervously approached, ready to bolt at the first sign of movement. Looking at it, she could clearly see it had suffered a head injury from its fall. Her caring instincts overrode her fear and she quickly pulled the creature's head and shoulders up on her back. "Girls, you carry the legs," she commanded.

"But Fluttershy," Sweetie Belle said in a concerned voice. "You heard it. It sounds dangerous."

To which the yellow pegasus replied "Remember, you can't judge a book by its cover."

The CMC grudgingly agreed to carry the creature, and the group hauled it off to Fluttershy's cottage.

0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

The first thing I remember when I woke up was whispering.

"Don't be so loud, you'll wake it up."

"Then stop talking!"

"I will when you will!"

I groaned and pulled myself up, eliciting a small shriek from the ponies surrounding me. Wait, ponies? Oh, right. Still in Equestria. Shit.

Feeling my forehead, I found someone had put on a bandage. Of course I would get a concussion in a little girls' show. As I looked around, I saw the interior of Fluttershy's home. I was on a short bed, with a surprisingly soft blanket spread over me. The CMC had gathered around me. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were giving me worried looks, but Applebloom stepped forward.

"Um, hey there mister critter. You okay?"

"I guess," I grumbled back. As my injured mind began to more or less function, I realized it would probably screw up all of the ponies' perspectives on their lives if they found out that their entire lives were on TV and the internet, viewed by millions. Therefore, it would probably be best just to play dumb. "Um, who are you?"

"Ah'm Applebloom!" she enthusiastically replied. "And this here is Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle!"

"We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" they yelled in unison, causing me to wince.

"Uh huh. Now, what's a 'cutie mark' and why are you crusading for it?" God, I should sign up for Drama when I get home.

"It's the mark on your flank that shows your special skill!" Scootaloo answered.

"We're all blank flanks, so we haven't found ours yet," Sweetie Belle added, hanging her head. Perking up, she continued "But we'll find them!"

"You should join," Applebloom said, nudging my arm. "We saw you're a blank flank too."

"Wait, I'm a…" Then what she just said sunk in. "You guys saw me naked?" Looking under the blanket, my face reddened. "Um…could you all grab my clothes?"

Sweetie Belle shook her head. "Sorry. Fluttershy took them into town when she went to get Twilight. Said she'd take em' to my sister, you know, for cleaning and stuff."

I looked frantically for something to cover up with. Finally, I decided on the sheet on the bed, wrapping it around my waist, I got up. The roof was short, so I had to stand with my head tilted at an angle. "Say, you girls got something to eat?"

They all dashed off, and I took the chance to let out some choice profanity about my current situation.

0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

Fluttershy flew to Twilight's house as fast as her wings would take her. She had already dropped off the creature's clothes at the Carousel Boutique, and now she just needed to inform Twilight of her discovery.

Spike answered her quiet but frantic knocks on the door. "Hey Fluttershy. What's happening?"

"Spike, I need to see Twilight! Fast!"

"Okay," he answered, letting her in. Walking into the library, he yelled "Twi! Fluttershy's here! Says she has something important to say."

Twilight poked her head up from the book she was reading. "Hey Fluttershy. What's the-"

"We discovered a new creature in the woods," Fluttershy interrupted.

"Is it another parasprite?" Not waiting for an answer, she closed her book and got up. "I'll call Pinkie."

The pink earth pony poked her head up from a potted plant. "You call?"

"No, no, no," Fluttershy said, shaking her head. "It…it's like Spike kinda, but also not like Spike."

"So it's like a dragon?" Twilight asked, confused.

"No," Fluttershy responded. "Just…just follow me, you know, if you don't mind."

Shaking her head at her friend's timidity, Twilight and Pinkie followed Fluttershy towards her house.

0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

It had been a while since I asked for a snack, so I figured I would see how the CMC was doing. Locating the kitchen was easy. Trying not to roll on the floor laughing at the contents was another story.

The floor was covered thoroughly by a mixture of what looked like eggs, oil, and cereal. Scootaloo standing on Applebloom's back had (somehow) managed to pour what looked like cornflakes into a bowl without incident, but as soon as she poured milk onto them, the mixture caught on fire like that old scene from the Simpsons.

I walked in, (still holding up my blanket with one hand) and grabbed the bowl, then poured it into the sink and turned on the water. This managed to put out the fire, and once I was sure it was out I turned back to the CMC.

"You know," I remarked, looking around. "Whoever owns this house probably won't be happy."

"We know," they said in unison, their heads sinking.

"Hey, cheer up," I answered. No matter how much I hate the show, sad Applebloom is still heart-wrenching. "Now come on. We clean it up before they get back, and it'll be like it never happened."

We set to work cleaning the place. The CMC was enthusiastic, but in the end I had to do most of the work. I was just finishing mopping as Fluttershy opened the door.

"It's in my bed-eep!" Fluttershy shrank back as Twilight and Pinkie tried to get a better look at me.

"Fascinating," Twilight remarked. "Why is it cleaning?"

"I am a guy," I answered a bit of annoyance creeping into my voice. "And I'm just helping to clean up a little."

She then walked up to me and circled around me, inspecting me like a scientific specimen. "Fascinating," she remarked. "I've never seen anything like you before."

Well, I figure right here is about where she would send a letter to Celestia about me (Yeah, I've read a few of the fanfics; still doesn't mean I'm a brony.).

"Maybe we should go to a library," I suggested. "You know, look around and try to find any books about us humans."

Twilight straightened up. "Great idea!" she answered. As she headed out the door though, she paused. "Wait," the said slowly. "Ponies get scared when a zebra comes to town…" She turned back to me. "Okay, taking you into town might not be a good idea. Everypony would freak out."

"Then how are we supposed to get me to the library?" I asked. Everyone (Everypony? Shit, this is going to get annoying fast.) was silent. Then, Applebloom spoke up.

"Mah sister!" she hollered.

"What about her?" Twilight asked.

"She can hide him in her apple cart, then haul him into town! Nopony would see him!"

"That's…actually, that's a really good idea," Twilight admitted. Dragon Ball Z and My Little Pony: The two places where only five-year-olds have any ounce of sense.

"I…I'll get Applejack," Fluttershy said quietly. She went out the door, leaving the rest of us to sit around.

"So," Twilight started. "Maybe we should do introductions. I'm Twilight Sparkle and I'm assuming you've met the CMC. What's your name?"

"John," I replied. "John Koror."

She made a strange expression. "That's a…interesting name."

I shrugged. "Meh. I don't much like it either, but it's all my mom gave me."

Raising an eyebrow, she responded "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm an orphan. My mom died a couple of weeks after she had me, and she didn't have any living relatives, so I got stuck in a foster home."

Everyone (Everypony? Yep. It's annoying.) gasped. "That's terrible!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

"It's fine," I answered. "You know, I'm…I'm…" Dammit John, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry…

"Hey, there's Applejack!" Scootaloo exclaimed. As they all got up to go outside, I took the time to clear my head and get rid of the depressing thoughts that filled it. You're in Equestria, John: just focus on getting out of here, then everything will be fine.

So, my first crack at Human in Equestria fanfic. Please, tell me what you think. All reviews are appreciated.