Everything's cool...sorta by Safarilite.

This one goes out to Shadiw34. Thanks for the super amazeballs ideas!

A/N: 'Ello all! Boy it's been a while hasn't it? Again, I do want to re-re-re-re-apologize, I didn't realized that A year could go by so quickly and I wouldn't notice it! But, anyway, my hiatus is over and I'm ready to continue this fic! Also, my comedy may be a bit rusty on this chapter. A year my blokes, it'll just...um...piss.

Before I go onto the story , there is something I want to address. As I read over my story on here I noticed sooooooooo many errors I almost cried! Even though I was fifteen and inexperienced at the time, that still doesn't excuse my utter irrelevance for the English language! I'm not a grammar nazi - I sort of am actually - or anything, but my spelling was a real atrocity. So from now on, I'll do my best to limit the errors as much as possible.

Anyway, on with the reading!

Disclaimer: I...OWN...NOTHING! I only claim rights to the story and the plunger I bought for my 'monkey shart apocalypse survival kit'...hey, ya never know!

Dante laid the instruction manual on the desk to rest, he had been reading it for a while...well in Dante's mind he was reading. In actuality he had been skimming through the manual, only reading things that came after the words 'fix' and 'frozen'.

He sighed in frustration as he looked at his still monitor screen that displayed the phrase 'PC is unresponsive' at the top of the window.

"Why won't you unfreeze?" the grown man whined.

Vergil walks into the DMC shop, and places his trusted weapon, Yamato, on the on the wall mounted sword hanger. He turns to his younger brother.

"I take it it's still frozen?" He asked walking over to look at the computer's state.

"Yeah" Dante grumbles and sighs

Vergil pushes his brother out of the chair and exasperatedly says "move!"

Dante falls to the floor with a thud and says "why tell me to move if you were going to push me anyway!?"

Vergil clicked numerous buttons. He succeeded in resolving most of the problems as the computer started to run at a somewhat normal pace. He was getting very frustrated because he could not figure why the PC was still going slower than normal, then he looked at the overloaded downloads tab. He frustration immediately turned into anger.

"Didn't I tell you and Nero to stop pirating music!" Vergil glared.

"Yes" Dante answered.

"So then why are you doing it again!" Vergil raged.

"I'm not! I' simply went on to YouTube, found a video of song I like, copied the link, and converted it to mp3 file, then I tried to download it!" Dante shrugged "I don't see what's the big deal, I mean it's not like I'm stealing."

"Are you stupid?" Vergil narrowed his eyes

"What is your-"

"No, no seriously?" Vergil stared at Dante with a serious expression.

Dante rolled his eyes and exited the shop.

He walked up the steps to the kitchen to find something to snack on until dinner, he hadn't eaten a decent, delicious meal all day, and considering that Trish was making dinner again tonight, he might never get the chance to have one!

He scanned the fridge for something yummy. He felt a bit discouraged seeing as most of the items weren't exactly...edible. It's not that any of the food was spoiled or anything, it just wasn't safe for human - or even devil - consumption. Dante wouldn't feed this stuff to his worst enemy, that would make him evil!

Seriously, Trish is not the best cook.

His ice blue orbs settled on little bottle of vibrant yellow liquid.

Grabbing it, he raised the bottle to his lips and drank what he assumed was orange juice, however, you do know what they say about assume rite?

Dante immediately spat out the sun colored liquid.

"Annnd now made my tongue is depressed" he turns the bottle around when he feels a different texture on the object. It was a paper that had Trish's overly cursive handwriting in green, fruity scented marker 'fruit marinade'. "figures" he shrugged.

Dante tossed the bottle full of blaghck into the trash, he then retreated to some other part of the building.

Besides Credo taking down the chopper, that Nero was aiming fruit missiles at him from, with a slingshot and Lemon heads, the rest of the morning went fairly smooth.

It was a little after one p.m. when Trish opened fridge, her smile turned a frown, and her silent terror into a shriek of horror!

Credo, Kyrie, Nero, Vergil, and Lady came rushing in, all wielding weapons and ready for attack.

"What's wrong!?" They spoke in unison, their tone was filled with excitement to destroy something.

Life is great when you get to kill and not go to prison for-...I mean, defend the world from evil...yeah, that's it.

"My fruit marinade is gone!" Trish pointed frantically to the desolate spot where the orange liquid used to be.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Credo spoke in an annoyed tone. Secretly he was happy that the bottle full of bitterness disappeared. Nero was thankful as well, when Trish turned back to the fridge to see where her mix had gone, he mouthed the words 'thank god'.

"Did any of you use it!?" Trish frantically asked as she threw items out of the fridge in her search for the marinade.

"There's no need to get all crazy about it, can't you just make another one?" Credo suggested, this earned him a smack on the back of the head from Lady, who along with the others, shook their heads frantically with glares.

They really hated her cooking, seriously, they REALLY HATED her cooking.

Trish is a skilled fighter that can destroy you with any object on the face of the earth, but, in the kitchen she is one awful cook! And the worst part is...she loves to cook! If you want to know how bad she is, then think of the most delicious meal you can, then picture it reddish black, with patches of white fur, smelling like rotted year old wood, and tasting like the smell of bleach and pine sole infused with raw beef.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THIS WOMAN ONCE SET A BANANA ON FIRE TRYING TO MAKE A CUP VANILLA ICE COFFEE! HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?! SERIOUSLY HOW?!

...Seeeriously, Trish is not the best cook!

"I can, but that'll postponed dinner until tomorrow" Trish put her hand on her hip in disappointment.

"OKAY!" Everyone in the room, but Trish, abruptly shouted.

"No that wouldn't be right, I wouldn't want you guys to go hungry" Trish spoke

'We still will if you make that moldy slop you call food' Credo thought. "We'll order take out"

"There's no need, there's still some things in here that I can use to whip up something toni-"

Trish immediately looked up from the pickled kale and jar of anchovies at the sound of her friend's overly dramatic "NO!"

"...are you guys okay?"

"Yeah, we just...ya know, we'll order take out. Just-" Kyrie was cut off by Nero who outbursts and says:

"Just please for the love of god don't cook anything! I can't take-" he was immediately poked with Yamato in the back by Vergil, this signaled him to either change his wording, or quite while he's ahead. "...hooow...delicious...your mealsss are" Nero finished slowly.

Trish's frown turned into a warm smile "You really mean that?"

"...Yup" Nero said through his gritting teeth "they're so...great...I just...can't get enough" he forced a smile, even though every word was vile to him.

"Aww, why thank you Nero. I try my best." Trish smiled.

'If that's your best, then we're seriously fucked!" Nero mentally noted.

"Well alright then. Tomorrow I shall make dinner, and since you love my cooking so much Nero, I'll make sure to make your plate nice and full!" Trish smiled and walked off, most likely to go to the supermarket to get supplies for her tangy butt sauce- eh-hem...tart marmalade.

Nero immediately hugged Kyrie, tears streamed down his face.

"Nero?" Concern leaked through Kyrie's words.

"You know I love you right?"

"Of course I do"

"Good, remember that, because tomorrow night...I am going to die!" Nero balled into Kyrie's shoulder.

They all rolled their eyes and left Nero to sulk in his own stupor.

"Seriously!?" Nero whined childishly.

The young slayer walked out of the kitchen, then the building, and made his way to the garage. He lifted the garage door with one hand, seeing as his other hand was occupied with Red Queen.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head he saw what was on the other side. His breath shortened, his heart began to quicken, and every sweat gland in his body started producing moisture.

He his mouth was agape as he looked up in horror.

For behind the door, was a snow leopard standing on his legs.

Nero knew it was a 'he' because that thing had huge freaking nuts! Seriously! They looked like two gargantuan, furry honeydew melons!

The animal towered over him, it had to be seven feet, at least. This was indeed one 'big cat'. It's paws was above its head, the cat's claws were so sharp, it could puncture the roughest leather with by just brushing against it!

Nero shakily readied his weapon, however, thanks to his sweaty palms, he could barely keep a steady hold onto his sword.

The animal saw this and growled cheekily, it's teeth was similar to it's claws, sharp and shart inducing!

Nero's lip quivers with panic.

The jungle cat let out a powerful roar that made Nero hear a high pitched, elongated whistling sound, cause his hair to be blown all the way back, and make his eyes to water.

He wet himself...just a little bit.

...oh c'mon, don't even make that face. You know if you were in the same situation, you would have reacted the same way, or maybe even worse.

Nero took a deep breath and reopened his eyes.

"WAAAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!" Nero threw his sword into the air and ran off screaming like a little bee-yotch!

If he had a tail, you know where it would be tucked right now.

On his way to the shop, Credo noticed the garage door was open so he went to go close it, and just like Nero he was meet with same animal. Upon seeing him, the animal got into the same position he greeted the last human.

Credo looked up at the wild beast in amazement, he was even more amazed by his stunning ice blue eyes, they were so bright they seemed almost hypnotizing.

"Well how did you get here big fellah?" Credo rubbed the leopard's chin.

The cat was puzzled by the raven haired man's lack of fear, his face was smeared with confusion.

"Did you come down here looking for something to snack on?" Credo rubbed the giant cat's belly.

The humongous feline refrained from it's fear inducing stance and lied down on it's back, he left his belly exposed to enjoy the soothing rub. The cat purred in delight. Credo has magic hands that can calm anyone. As he rubbed the giant kitty's belly, he felt it rumble.

"You were looking for something to eat weren't you?" Credo got up from his kneeling position "don't move" the holy knight retrieved a plate of cooled down taquitos from the mini fridge and brought it to the cat. "Here ya go big guy"

The cat devoured the Mexican dish within seconds. It then got up and pounced on Credo, he laughed as the cat hugged him with nonstop purrs the vibrated against the top of his head.

The cat left out of garage. Credo assumed it was going back into the woods as he saw it turn in the direction of the foliage.

Again, you do remember what they say about assume rite?

The untamed kitty roamed around the yard for a while in a confused state, then it's whiskers sent pulses through it's body. He sensed movement coming from within the house.

The cat bolted down the yard, turned the corner and ran straight into the pillar that supports the balcony, the impact made the cat flip back and gave a cry of pain. After a few moments the cat regained its balance and made it to the door, not before urinating on the pole though.

Seeing as he lacked thumbs, the giant scratched at the door to try and get in. He scratched and scratched, but try as he might, the door wouldn't budge. His paws hurted from the continuous scratching. He whined in despair, as he wanted to enter the abode.

The predator swiftly turned around when it's whiskers sent a set of powerful pulses to it's brain signaling danger.

Well it wasn't so much danger, more like a hysterical Nero running towards it.

"aaaaaaaaaaah!" He screams lowly as he runs up the animal with his eyes closed. When he reopens his eyes, he sees the huge feline snarling, it's long, sharp claws protruding from it's massive paws. His tone adjusted accordingly as he stumbled in the other direction. "aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

The animal walks of the porch and notices the window that was basically a entrance into the home's living room. It backs up a good distance, then jets straight for the defenseless window, or so it thought. In the kitty's mind, it was going to pounce and shatter the window with one easy swipe of it's paw, but in reality, the cat pounced and slammed into the window with a loud thud followed by, yet another, cry of pain.

The leopard thought it was never going get in, that was until Trish pulled up the driveway, unloaded hoard of groceries term her car, and brought them inside the home via the left side door.

The kitty speedily made it's way in, being careful not to be spotted by the blonde mercenary carrying a bag full of tofu, plain yogurt, radishes, and fish oil.

The feline was inside the living room, Kyrie and Lady were going over some tactic plans, then suddenly Kyrie walked in the kitchen to get a drink, she asked Lady if she wanted anything and she asked for some fruit punch. Kyrie returned shortly after, and asked "Have you seen Credo? Ever since he and Nero stopped playing 'avenge the citrus' I haven't seen either one of them"

"They're probably cleaning up the shop, and finding out if anything troublesome is going on with head tower PC like we asked them to do"

Kyrie looked at her friend with a 'get real' expression.

"Can't a girl dream?" Lady shrugged

The feline observed the two females for a while watching their every movement, then it lowly growled mischievously. But before the cat could do anything to scar the women for life, a very, very, VERY fear filled Nero, who had a different pair of jeans on, crashed through the door. Really, he crashed through it with his motorcycle. The door exploded into a millions of woodchips as dust gathered into the room.

"WE GOTTA GO! NOW!" he shouted while looking around quickly.

"What're you talking about!? Did you spot any trouble!?" Lady rose to her feet, her multi colored orbs meeting his bloodshot ones.

"Yes! And we need to leave NOW!"

"Why do we need to evacuate? What exactly did you see!?" Kyrie asked, she stood up as well.

"I saw a beast! One of massive proportions! It nearly killed me!"

"Show me where the hell it is!?" Kyrie angrily snatched Lady's missile launcher quickly. Her intent was to storm her way out that door and blow whatever it was that almost murdered her true love to smithereens! However, she was stopped by Lady and Nero.

"Woah, woah, no way I'm letting you go out there!" Nero hopped off his motorcycle and used his body as a barricade to block the door.

Kyrie was about to protest, but Lady stopped her. "He's right, you would only do more harm than good" Kyrie huffed in frustration at her comrade's words. Then never let her help with anything. Lady took back her launcher and said "now show me where this beast is."

"No!" Nero protested

"Why!?" Lady demanded

"...I'm scared" he said childishly

Lady pushed a defiant Nero, who was spewing continuous 'nos' ,out the door and told Kyrie, who followed in toe anyway, to stay behind.

The snow coloured animal growled in frustration that it didn't get a chance to do anything rascally. It trudged up the steps and walked down the halls trying to break into whatever room it could, then it spotted something at the other end of the hall, it was bright and it's sparkly ness sucked up every ounce of the cat's attention like a straw!

The giant feline ran full speed ahead to see what this mysterious object was. It was only until the beast was halfway down the hall that the sparkling mystery was just a dusty mug that was positioned under the window where the sun shined In. It was also there, that the feline noted the slippery floor that smell like orange juice.

It went sliding out the window, into a large tree, and crashing into a patio table. Umbrella, chairs, and all were destroyed by the impact! The cat, once again, let a cry of pain, however, this time it sounded more like a human groaning.

After a few moments, the cat arose on all fours when it heard a faint sound in the distance. It turned the corner and saw a certain redheaded woman exercising in a sports bra and short shorts set by the pool. The cat some how smirked.

The cat made it's way over to the woman and subtly sneaked up on her.

Lucia looked down to see what was running against her thigh, and she was met with a blue eyed, massive, wild jungle cat. Her breath began to shorten, she wanted to move so badly, but it was as if her shoes were glued to the ground! The leopard licked her thigh, it smirked at her. Her heart banged for escape against her chest at the sight of it's two large, dagger like front teeth.

It stood up, towering over her with it's full height of seven feet, and out stretched it's arms to give her a hug. However, from her perspective, it looked like it was going to devour her, so she uppercutted, side punched, groin kicked, and spin kicked the beast into the pool then ran into the house screaming to dear life.

Merry Christmas all! I know I said Friday or Saturday I would post the new chapter, but, today's CHRISTMAS! So I thought I'd give a gift to you by writing and posting this chapter today!

Aaaallllsoo, the PSN is down because of the Ddos thanks to Lizard Squad...so there's that…

Anyway, be on the lookout for part II! Thanks for reading, review if ya want, leave a favorite and a follow, eat some ham, and kick a chicken, bye.