The Mission(!)

acidxbel, or the "artist" formerly known as bel_unleashed

Summary:James makes it his mission to get Remus laid. But it's a little late for that. Sort of a reaction to Matchmaker!James fics. Rewritten for your enjoyment.

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Timeline: MWPP-era, sixth year

Language: Commonwealth English

WARNING! This fic implies that consenting teenagers engage in (gasp) sexual activity!

"You are going to get laid!"

Such was James' proclamation, making all those who spent the night hours engaged in illicit activities curse 'morning' and all of its 'people'.

"I get enough tail, Prongs," Sirius answered, voice muffled by his quilt, "but it's nice to know the option's there."

"I didn't mean me, or you!" James retorted, walloping him with a pillow. Then he paused. "Sooo… how much tail we talking here?"

Sirius smirked. "More than you, that's for sure."

"Hey! Just because I believe in monogamy –"

"If that's what you call stalking the same girl for four years."

James proceeded to throw a dirty look at him (and a textbook for good measure).

"The point is, you –" He swiveled around to point accusingly at Remus, who was gazing blearily at them, " – are in desperate need of a shag."

At this point Sirius and Remus both burst out laughing, leaving James utterly perplexed.

"This is important, guys! For god's sake, Moony, if you don't start getting some action, people will think you're a bloody poofter!"

That shut them up. Remus stiffened, his expression becoming guarded.

"I don't care what people think, Prongs," he said evenly, shooting a warning look at Sirius, whose eyes had narrowed dangerously.

"Yeah, well I do. When they start snickering at you behind your back, I just… I hate it."

Sirius seemed somewhat mollified by this reasoning, and grudgingly swung out of bed to give James a friendly punch on the arm. "Next time, just curse the guy and be done with it."

James laughed. He didn't notice Remus give a small sigh of relief.

Despite this supposed resolution, James was back on his senseless objective by lunchtime. They knew it as soon as he dropped himself down on the bench beside them, looking entirely too self-assured to be healthy. (For the record, James "dropped", Peter "sagged", Sirius "flopped elegantly", and Remus just sat.)

"Guess what?"

Remus' heart sank. "What is it, Prongs?"

"I have found at least ten not-hideous girls willing to go out with you," James announced proudly, only to shrink back a second later as Lily shot daggers at him.

"And does it matter whether you find them 'not-hideous'?" she asked, disgusted.

"Uh… of course not, Evans… it's Remus, he's incredibly shallow." Remus glared at him, but Sirius just laughed.

"He does go for the good-looking ones."

James spun his head, Exorcist-style, to face Sirius. "You know who he's dated?"

"You mean he never told you?" He tutted disapprovingly at Remus. "Disloyalty is an ugly thing, Remus."

"What are you –"

"Evans, of course," Sirius said matter-of-factly, discreetly checking that yes, she had turned away in revulsion already.

"What?" James choked. "You're having me on."

"Well yeah, but you believed me didn't you?"

Once James had finished trying to murder Sirius, he promptly continued on his mission, cornering Remus after class.

"Cindy Travis. Next Hogsmeade weekend. No need to thank me," he said breezily, turning briskly down the hall.

"Not an issue," Sirius growled after him. "Where does he get off, interfering in your life?" Catching Remus' grim expression, he added quickly, "I'm sure he'll give up soon. Not even he's this asinine. Heh, asinine…"

Remus just sighed heavily. He found it hard to be comforted by this when the same thing had been said, long ago, regarding the Lily Evans Situation.

James was trudging back to the castle after a bittersweet Hogsmeade trip (bitter in that he had failed to win the fair Lily's hand, and sweet in that he had bought half of Honeydukes to make up for it) when he crossed paths with a strangely beaming Cindy.

"Travis?" he said confusedly. "I thought you were on a date with Remus?"

Cindy snorted, setting off a long fit of squeaky giggles that left James bewildered.

"Um… that good?"

Cindy put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "The date didn't happen, Potter, but thank you."

"What?" James burst out. "Why?"

Cindy placed a finger to her smirking pink lips. "Sorry, but I'm sworn to secrecy. And in exchange I got a 'practical demonstration' of why we can't be together. Totally worth it, by the way."

James just shook his head, more confused than ever.

"Ask Remus!" Cindy called out as she skipped happily away, still giggling with joy.

James' eyebrows furrowed. "Oh, I will," he said to no one in particular, prompting a passing group of third-years to skirt nervously away from him.

"Remus!" James bellowed, storming through the common room.

"Potter!" Lily snapped. "People are trying to study!"

"Yeah, yeah Evans," James replied with falsified bravado. He dashed away nonetheless, attempting to make as little noise as possible and prompting several people to make 'whipped' noises.

"Moony!" he hissed, opening the door to their shared dorm. "You wanna explain to me why, after all my careful planning, your date didn't happen? I can't believe –"

He blanched.

Remus and Sirius were sprawled on the bed, limbs all a tangle, and fitting together far too well from what James could see – and with only a disheveled sheet covering them, he could see much more than he ever wanted to.

Then Sirius opened his content grey eyes.

They stared at each other.

"So," Sirius said lightly, "I guess Remus isn't in desperate need of a shag anymore."

"I can't believe you didn't even mention it," James muttered (rather egotistically, Sirius thought), once inhaling a chicken or two had renewed his ability to speak.

"Yes, yes," Sirius said airily. "Pass the crêpes, would you?"

"But why?" said James, voice rising rapidly. "Why would you not tell me that you two were –"

"Don't start yelling about that in here!" Remus hissed, alarmed.

"Oh. Right," James said sheepishly. "Um, so will you two be – out, or what?"

"In school?" Remus replied with nervous incredulity. The couple exchanged Meaningful Glances.

"Not that I would care," James continued, not quite in his element. "So – not, then?"

Sirius gazed at him with a haughty exasperation. "Not everyone in love in suicidal, Prongs. Speaking of, shouldn't you be off licking Evans' discarded plates or something?"

When the usual mix of retorts and denial didn't come, he looked up from his dessert with a frown. James was staring at him with an expression of abject shock. This lasted a full two minutes, much to their amusement. Finally Remus batted Sirius' cream-laden spoon away before its contents could splatter into James' lap, which seemed to break him out of his reverie.

"Love?" he said, blinking at them owlishly.

"What?" Remus answered blankly.

"You're in love?" James reiterated, somewhat faintly.

"Oh god, he's getting misty," Sirius said disgustedly.

James glared at him before returning to his plate. "Well," he said in a final sort of way. "That's that." He turned to Peter, who had been largely ignoring the events before him in favour of pudding, and clapped a hand on his shoulder paternally. "Peter. You – you need to get laid."

/fin/