Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed so far - you're all amazing. My muse went on holiday but it is now back, and hopefully I will get this story finished. Hope you guys like it, and feel free to let me know what you think. The song used in this chapter is The Best Is Yet To Come by Sheppard, its a fantastic song by an incredible band, think its on YouTube if anyone wants to check it out.

Chapter 10

But I've been there before,
I've been a soldier in this war.
If you take it in your stride,
You might just see the other side.

The familiar, unwelcome feeling of her stomach rolling with intense waves of nausea gripped her as her eyes shot open. Yvonne Rippon leant forward, resting her head on one hand as she tried to take deep breaths, hoping that her stomach would settle by itself. Her heart was pounded violently in her chest, so loudly that she swore she could hear it. She felt cold, really cold and she couldn't stop the shaking that had suddenly taken over her body, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

One hand gripped the sheets tightly, a panicked moan escaping her lips as her stomach rolled violently once more. Clapping one hand to her mouth, she pushed the sheets away from her body so she could hop out of the bed. Her stomach protested violently at the movement and it took all of her strength to rush through to the bathroom where she leant over the toilet and was violently sick, her body ridding itself of the paralysing fear that was overwhelming her.

Once she was done, she sank back on to her heels, wishing that her body would just stop shaking. It was so cold. Tears stung her eyes painfully as her mind began to flicker, uninvited, back through the dream she'd just had. It had been so vivid, so real that she'd almost believed she was back there again until she'd woken up, safe in a comfy, warm bed. It wasn't real. It was just a dream, just a stupid dream – that's all. Her mind still had the power to hurt her, and she hated that. It made her feel so helpless, so insignificant and she really, really hated feeling like that.

A quiet knock on the bathroom door halted her thoughts suddenly and she turned slightly, immediately on guard. Against what, she didn't know. Frightened eyes flickered to the doorway, adrenaline continuing to course through her as the door creaked open. Nick popped his head round and she finally allowed herself to relax a little bit, she could breathe again. The sight that met his eyes as he looked into the bathroom caused concern to grip his chest, the familiar feeling of worry returning once more. She was huddled up by the toilet, her skin a lot paler – almost grey – than it should be. The fear that had melted away earlier that evening was present again in her grey eyes.

"Can I come in?" He questioned, stepping into the bathroom and moving over to crouch down next to her when he got a tiny nod of consent from her. His medical training kicking in, he placed a gentle hand to her forehead, his brows knitting together in concern when he felt how clammy she was.

"Sorry," she whispered, finally finding her voice as the nausea subsided a little so it was just a dull feeling in the pit of her stomach, guilt taking over as she noticed how tired he looked. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Nick shook his head slightly, concern for her overriding any exhaustion he may have been feeling. "Don't be."

Silence fell between them, neither of them entirely sure what to say. Yvonne contemplated telling him she was fine, that it was nothing to worry about but she soon decided against it – he always had been able to see straight through her.

Exhaustion soon began to take over as her body relaxed a little more, a calm silence sweeping through the bathroom. Nick watched her worriedly, deciding he should get her to go back to sleep as she leant her head back against the tiles, her hands playing anxiously with a loose thread on the shirt she was wearing.

"Let's get you back to bed, eh?" Nick suggested quietly as he noticed her eyes beginning to flutter closed. When she nodded wearily in response, he stood and offered her a helping hand. She took it gratefully, pulling herself up and leaning over to flush the toilet before allowing him to lead her back to the spare room. She even let him help her get back into bed, something they both knew that she wouldn't have done if she wasn't feeling as vulnerable and scared as she was.

"Feeling okay?" He questioned, one hand moving a few stray strands of dark hair out of her face, the other tucking in the sheets around her.

She nodded sleepily, forcing a strained smile on to her face. "Thanks," she said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright." It wasn't her fault, none of this was and he hated the fact that she felt she had to continually apologise to him.

"What time is it?"

Nick glanced at the clock on the wall, squinting slightly so he could make out the numbers in the darkness. "Just gone three." He answered, placing his hand over hers and squeezing her fingers reassuringly. "Are you going to be okay?"

She yawned, exhaustion beginning to take over properly now that she was settled comfortably under the warm covers. "Of course," she replied sleepily, a tiny hint of a smile appearing at the corner of her mouth as she finally allowed her eyes to drift shut.

Nick leant down and placed a soft kiss against her temple, hoping she wouldn't mind too much. "I'm right here if you need me," he murmured into her ear, straightening up and listening intently to her breathing as it began to even out. Satisfied that she'd given into the urge to sleep, he quietly left the room, ensuring that he left the door open. Hopefully she'd sleep properly now.

It was still pitch black when Yvonne Rippon woke abruptly next, the room swathed in darkness. She sat up, her heart racing once more and her body covered in an icy cold sweat. No nausea this time, that was a slight improvement. Sighing deeply, she leant back against the headboard and pulled her legs up to her chest, trying in vain to figure out why it was still happening. It had been three years for crying out loud, three long years. Surely it was supposed to stop? She sighed again and glanced over at the wall, frowning as she realised she'd only been asleep for an hour and a half. Well, something was better than nothing.

Shaking her head at her apparent incompetence when it came to sleeping, she slowly uncurled herself and got up, wandering over to the window. Her hands went to the curtains, tugging them back so she could see out on to the street below. The street lamps broke up the darkness, casting a soft orange glow on to the road. It looked peaceful, tranquil and she wished that she felt as calm as the picture in front of her. Suddenly feeling bored, irritated almost, she dropped the curtain and returned to her former position on the bed; back against the headboard, knees clutched to her chest. Uncertaintly swirled within her once more and she sighed, realising she had at least an hour, more likely two to kill. Going back to sleep wasn't an option and she couldn't wake Nick up again, it wouldn't be fair on him. He shouldn't have to suffer just because she couldn't sleep.

Whenever she had a spare moment to sit and reflect – and at the moment, that was quite frequently – she always came to the same conclusion; that she hated this with a passion. She did, there was no other way to describe it. She hated the way everything had turned out, hated the way she was, hated the way she felt. There was nothing left to like, not now. The riots had destroyed everything she had worked so hard to build up she honestly coulddn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, in fact it just seemed to stretch on endlessly and sometimes she really felt like nothing was going to get better. Her thoughts were repetitive, something in her could recognise that at least, and although she knew it probably wasn't good for her, in a strange way it did seem to help her sort her tangled, jumbled thoughts into something that wasn't completely incoherent. Or maybe, she was just kidding herself that it helped and the real reason she thought that was because it just simply passed the time. She could easily lose hours lost in thought and she knew that wasn't good for her, at all, but she just couldn't help it.

What would things be like now if the riots hadn't happened? That was something she tended to think about quite regularly. What if they'd been prevented, if she'd just stayed in the station where she was supposed to have been, or if they just hadn't happened at all? What would everything be like now? These were the sort of questions she asked herself, questions that she couldn't have an answer for – no-one had an answer for them. She could speculate, of course she could, but she could never know. Not really. But then, she never really liked to dwell on it too long because it hurt, a stabbing pain deep to her heart because it all reminded her of everything she lost...everything she thought she'd lost. The dynamic she shared with Nick was still more or less the same – some parts had changed, but then she'd changed quite drastically in the last three years to a point that she didn't recognise herself really. Not now. And, of course, they had been apart for three years so things were bound to have changed – but on the whole, she could see that nothing had changed too badly with them. Which is why this niggling feeling that none of this felt right confused her. She just couldn't shake it. Perhaps she was just being silly, perhaps it was just the lack of sleep getting to her and altering her perceptions of everything. It was a logical explanation, and maybe, just maybe, if she could sleep for a bit longer than a few hours, she would see things differently. Maybe she'd be able to view her current situation a little more rationally than she was right now.

It was odd being in Nick's house after everything that had happened. Although she had been there the night before, it still felt weird, more than a little strange, being back here. She didn't think she deserved it, if she was honest. Being here, knowing that he was just across the landing also felt odd when she'd spent so long alone, cuddled up to pillows just to try and recreate the feeling, sense of security that the warmth of his body provided to her. It all sounded silly, really silly now that he was only a short distance away from her. She desperately wanted to be near him and she wished with all her heart that she'd had the courage to tell him this earlier that evening when they'd briefly discussed sleeping arrangements. But she hadn't, and now she seriously regretted it. Nick made her feel safe and for a little while, he stopped her feeling bad. But she knew that she couldn't go and see him, she would just wait until he woke up and then she'd get up and pretend that she'd had a good night's sleep, even though it was about as far away from the truth as you could get at the moment. Yet, she couldn't quite bring herself to let him, to let him help her, and she knew that she should be able to but there was something stopping her. He was being his usual lovely self to her, kind and considerate, and she was being horrible, throwing it all back in his face and holding him at arm's length. Shutting him out instead of letting him in. She knew that if she continued down this rather rocky path, he'd get annoyed with her eventually – anyone would. But even the threat of losing him, even if it was only in her mind, couldn't convince her to let him in. Maybe she should just add it to the rather long list of things that scared her the most.

A tiny, lone tear, trailed silently down her pale cheek, the feel of it shocking her out of her thoughts. Cursing her stupid, swinging emotions under her breath, she wiped it away angrily, determined not to cry. She was just being silly, she knew she was. Why was she even here? She was grateful, incredibly grateful to Nick for coming to get her and letting her stay without questioning her too much about the events that had unfolded that evening – there were still parts that he didn't know and she really didn't know how to tell him. That's if she even managed to work up the courage needed to even consider telling him.

Nick. He was the only person that she wanted to be with, that she could imagine being with, especially now. It had been the first relationship in a long time that had lasted more than a few weeks without going sour. They had a connection, there had always been something there, right from their very first meeting. She still loved him, of course she did, but she didn't quite know how to go about telling him. Emotions, relationships never had been easy for her and now, well they were just more difficult than ever. She remembered telling him that she still loved him during that first meeting back in the pub, a mere few days ago but she knew that her conflicting behaviour since then probably would have thrown doubt into his mind. She did mean it though, if she was honest with herself then she probably loved him too much.

It was a total mess, things weren't supposed to end up like this. She wasn't supposed to be sat here now, totally confused, exhausted, and desperate for some affection. She never had been like that, she'd never needed anyone else – it was something that she had always prided herself on so she didn't quite understand why she suddenly craved his presence, after all she'd coped alright in the last three years. Hadn't she? Maybe she hadn't, maybe she had missed him more than her brain had allowed her to feel in an attempt to shield herself from the pain that being apart from him meant. It sounded viable.

This was getting silly now, this whole thing was getting out of hand. He was just a few meters away and all she had to do was get up and go and see him, rather than moping around in the spare room. But she couldn't do that, could she? He wouldn't mind. Would he? She wasn't quite sure.

A sudden surge of unexpected, but definitely welcome, confidence seared through her and she stood up, slowly leaving the room. It was a decision that had been made on the spur of the moment and she knew she had to act on it immediately, before she managed to talk herself out of doing it. She padded quietly across the hallway, allowing herself to peek through the open door and into his bedroom. He was fast asleep, the covers pooled round his waist as he slept on his side. There was plenty of room next to him, on the side of the bed that she had always favoured and it sounded silly, even to her, but she took it as a sign, some sort of reassurance that she was doing the right thing. She just wanted...needed to take some comfort from the man that always made her feel better, even when everything was going wrong. He was the only one she trusted enough, the only one who could provide that feeling of safety, security that she so desperately craved. The only one who could make her feel somewhat like her old self again and that was something she really wanted to feel. She needed to feel like she used to, but these days it was a distant memory and there were some days when she couldn't even remember her old self; the person she used to be before all this. But she did know one thing, that it was preferable to feeling like this. Feeling so empty, like she was powerless to stop everything from spiralling out of her control. Anything was better than the way she felt now.

Her movements were slow, timid almost as she entered the room and walked over to the bed. Cautiously, she pulled the cover back slightly so she could slip in beside him, snuggling as close to him as she dared. She didn't want to wake him. Despite her best efforts to the contrary, he felt the bed dip and stirred, rolling on to his back as his eyes flickered open. "Hey," his voice was groggy and she could detect an element of surprise in his tone.

"Sorry." Yvonne whispered into the darkness, her uncertain gaze moving up to his face. Would he be annoyed that she'd woken him, again? Would he even want her there? She really wasn't sure what he was going to say next.

Nick turned back on to his side, propping himself up on to his elbow so he could see her a little more clearly. "Don't be," he murmured, blinking a few times to try and make himself feel a little more alert. There was a reason she was here, he knew her too well. He didn't mind, in fact he hoped that it was a sign that things between them could be healed, that it could go back to normal. Well, as normal as it could be. "Are you okay?"

She nodded automatically, deciding she'd better elaborate on her reason for waking him up, again, when he just raised an eyebrow at her, the expression on his face clearly saying that he didn't believe her. "I got lonely." She mumbled awkwardly, her voice so low that he could barely make out what she was saying. The pain, uncertainty, she obviously felt was showing in her voice and his heart broke a little bit more. She just sounded defeated, like she was on the verge of giving up, and he did the only thing that he could to try and make her feel a little bit better.

"Come here," he slid his arms around her waist, hugging her gently to him, when she did as he said and moved a little closer. His lips grazed gently against her hairline in a soft kiss, his touch comforting her. "Try and get some sleep, hm?"

Yvonne nodded in agreement again, although she knew that she wouldn't. She never could sleep after. The dreams that haunted her long into the night were so realistic, set her so much on edge that she could never relax enough to sleep again. Instead, she would just lie there, staring at the ceiling, the wall, anything to pass the time until morning rolled around again and she could get up, try and find something, anything to do in order to forget the torment that she suffered in her sleep. Sleep was supposed to be good for you, it was supposed to be the one time where you could relax, be peaceful. It was supposed to be healing, but like everything else, it had been stolen from her and she was now caught up in this endless cycle of sleeping briefly at the start of the night, only to lie awake for most of the night once a nightmare had jerked her from her sleep. It was starting to get to the point, not that she'd admit it out loud, where she was uneasy about going to sleep because of the vicious cycle she was caught in. But she really didn't know what she could do to get a good night's sleep. Maybe time would be a healer.

Just breathe, breathe,
Cause everything you seek is just a stone's throw away.
Help me understand, the best is yet to come,
Take me by the hand before I come undone,
Cause all this emptiness has left me feeling numb,
But its darkest right before the sun.