Come Awake

By angellwings

Trapeze

I'll never tell you what I saw
Or how it made me breathe.
I'll never repeat what I heard
How long it took me to leave.
I'll never tell you what I saw
Or how it made my smile freeze
Cause this world is a whirlwind, but I'm holding that trapeze
And I'll never tell you what I saw

Ella stared out the window into Nate's front yard where he and his brother's were putting up Christmas lights. She chuckled as they argued about strategy. Nate had originally hired professionals to do it but Shane had vetoed that and convinced both Jason and Nate that it would be a unique bonding experience. They were yelling and gesturing wildly and trying to untangle lights. Ella never had any siblings but according to Nate this was normal for them. Most of the time they got along but when they had to work on something other than music they tended to bicker.

Six months ago Ella never would have thought she'd be here, practically living with Nate and preparing for Christmas with his family. But here she was, watching a real family celebrate a holiday that was all about peace and love. Two things she hadn't had a lot of in her life. Nate's family was vastly different than hers and observing the difference had made her so much more grateful to be free of her own parents. There were so many things that were different for normal families and she liked it so much better.

She sat down at Nate's desk that was situated in front of his large front window and watched the Gray brothers try to work. She felt like she was watching a Three Stooges movie. It was very entertaining. She was supposed to be unpacking the box she brought over of some of her things, but Ella found herself putting it off. Just like she was putting off finishing moving in the rest of her things, and she didn't have many things. She hadn't had very long to build a collection of things that were strictly hers since she left her parents.

When she and Nate had decided to move in together she'd been very excited but the more of her stuff she brought over the more she stretched it out. There was something about merging her life with Nate's that made her nervous. The last two people she'd seen merge their lifestyles had tortured her for 18 years and she didn't want her and Nate to become them. She knew Nate wasn't her father and she knew she certainly wasn't her mother, but the fear was still there as irrational as it was.

Nate caught her eye through the window and flashed her a soft smile. She grinned and waved in response. But Nate was so wonderful and she wanted desperately to be completely committed to him. She needed him in her life. He was her sanity, her rock. His love was the only unconditional thing she'd ever had and she definitely wasn't letting that go. Ever. But there was still something she needed before she could allow herself to start a life with Nate. It had been gnawing at her since the hearing.

She needed to say goodbye to her parents. Closure. She needed closure.

But facing them was out of the question. Nothing good would ever come from that, but she still felt like she needed to find a way to say goodbye. Her eyes fell on Nate's stationary and she was suddenly struck with an idea. She grabbed a pen and a piece of Nate's stationary and started a letter addressed to her mother and father. Maybe she'd send it, maybe she wouldn't, but at the very least it might help her get a few things off of her chest.

I'll never tell you who I loved
Or how they made me free
I'll never tell you how I slept
Back when I was 15
I thought that I could just forget
The bricks that have built me
But this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze
And I'll never tell you who I loved

Nate watched his brothers leave finally and then turned to go inside. Ella was supposed to be unpacking the two boxes she brought over today, but last he looked through the window she was furiously writing something while sitting at his desk. He had no idea what it was but she was very focused on it. He walked into the living room and saw her boxes sitting on the floor still taped. She hadn't touched them. He wasn't surprised. She hadn't said anything about it but he knew there were some major nerves about the move. He could understand why because the only relationship she'd had as an example was definitely not a healthy one. He also didn't want to push her but he was getting awfully impatient. He wanted her to be completely in, but he felt like she had one foot out the door. Her nerves were making him nervous.

He craned his neck to see his desk and noticed Ella still sitting there, writing away. Nate made his way to the kitchen and fixed himself a cup of coffee and made Ella a cup of cocoa. She wasn't big on coffee but she loved hot cocoa. He smiled softly as he heated the water. Some things about her were so childlike and yet she still had her jaded moments. Anytime her feelings were hurt she could shrug it off like it was nothing because she'd been hurt so much worse before, and sometimes it was like she expected to be hurt. Lately he'd been afraid she was pulling away from him because of that. She expected him to hurt her so it felt like she planned to cut him off at the pass.

He rubbed the back of his neck and rolled his shoulders. He was hoping Christmas with his family would prove to her that he wasn't going to hurt her anytime soon. So far it seemed to be working. She'd been amazed with every tradition his family had and had so much joy about all the prep they did together. It was like she was discovering Christmas for the first time. He found it incredibly adorable.

Once the cocoa was ready he took it out to her and set it down on the desk.

"Hey, Ells," He said as he put a hand on her back. "What are you working on so hard over here?"

"A letter," She said as she picked up the mug and took a sip.

His brow furrowed. "A letter? To who?"

She bit her bottom lip and glanced at him shyly. "My parents. I don't plan on sending it but I just…needed to get a few things out. You know?"

He nodded in understanding. "I know. How are you doing with all of this by the way? I know it's your first Christmas without them."

She sighed and sat back in the chair. "I'm okay. It's a learning experience for me. Your family is so…picture perfect. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. It feels like I've stepped into a Norman Rockwell painting or some old fifties sitcom. I'd never realized there were families out there who supported and loved each other the way your brothers and your parents support you. Strangely enough, my first Christmas without them has made me…miss them less. I have a frame of reference now and I can see just how hurtful my life was with them and after the past few weeks I feel like a weight has been lifted. Now I know I'm not really missing anything with them and that I'm better off with you and your family and all the people who truly care for me. It's not the outcome I expected from my first Christmas without my immediate family."

Nate smiled proudly at her. "I'm happy to hear you're missing them less and less. They're the ones that should be missing you, Ella. You're so much better off without them."

She set the mug down and stood from her chair and wrapped her arms around Nate's chest. "I see that now, Nate. I really do."

He set his coffee down next to her cocoa and put his arms around her. She could take however long she wanted to move in as long as they kept having moments like this. There was a long moment of comfortable silence before Ella kissed his neck quickly to get his attention and then smiled affectionately at him.

"Would you mind if I brought the rest of my stuff over here tomorrow? I know I've been dragging my feet but I think…I think I'm ready to finish moving in," Ella told him. "I'm ready to start a life with you."

Nate beamed at her. "Really? You are?"

She smiled brightly and nodded. "I want to wake up next to you every morning, Nate. I want to make this place my home—No, I want to make you my home. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone so there's no reason not to move in. Right?"

Nate smiled and nodded. "Right. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" Ella asked with a grin.

Nate nodded. "Promise."

"Good," Ella said with a contented sigh as she pulled away from him. "I'm gonna go take those boxes upstairs."

"Wait," He said as he tugged on her hand and pulled her back to him.

"Yes?" Ella asked with a grin.

"I made you cocoa and put up our outdoor lights. I think I deserve a kiss for that," Nate said with a smirk. "Don't you?"

Ella chuckled and shook her head at him. "When did you start doing things in exchange for kisses? You used to do them just to do them."

"Because I don't have to impress you anymore. I've got you now," Nate said with a playful smirk.

Ella laughed and smacked his arm lightly. "Nathaniel Gray, don't you ever stop trying to impress me. You may have me but now you've got to keep me. Got it?"

He kept smirking and nodded. "Got it." He tightened his arms around her and quirked an eye brow at her. "Kiss?"

She laughed again and nodded. "Fine, you get a kiss."

Nate suddenly dipped her and winked when she squealed softly. Her hands cupped either side of his face and he swiftly closed the distance between them and covered her lips with his. He stood them both back up as he pulled her flush against them and deepened the kiss. He pressed his tongue against her front teeth and she quickly parted her lips. Her hands moved from the sides of his face to his hair and his hands dipped underneath the hem of her sweater to flatten against the skin of her back. He backed her up toward his couch and then leaned against the arm rest.

Leaning against the couch left Nate much closer to Ella's height and they readjusted to where Ella was standing in between his legs. Her hands slipped underneath the collar of his sweater and the t-shirt he was wearing underneath it and he groaned. Nate pulled one of his hands out from under her shirt and gently tugged the hair tie out of her ponytail. The minute the hair fell across her shoulders Nate wrapped several strands of it around his fingers. He loved her hair. It was soft and silky and much better than his coarse curls. Ella whimpered into his mouth and tried to pull herself closer even though they both knew that wasn't possible. Nate lost his balance and they fell backwards onto the couch. As they fell his hand landed on the hook of her bra and Ella inhaled sharply.

She pulled away from him and chuckled softly. "I really need to move those boxes."

"They can wait," Nate said as he caressed her back lightly.

She whined pathetically and then smirked at him. "Why are you such a tease?"

"Hey, I'm not teasing you. You can totally have me here and now. You're the one that wants to stop to unpack a couple of boxes," Nate said with a smirk.

Ella bit her bottom lip and stared at the boxes over the top of the couch. "They're really bugging me now. Give me five minutes and then I swear we'll pick up where we left off."

Nate laughed and shook his head. "Alright, if you must. I'll wait here."

She smiled brightly and placed a short kiss on his lips. "Thank you. I'll be quick."

She got up and hurried over to one of the small boxes and took it up the stairs. Nate crossed the room back to the desk and picked up his coffee. It was considerably colder now. His eyes landed on the letter Ella had been writing and he debated on whether or not he should read it. He had to admit he was curious.

"Hey, Ella," Nate called over his shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Do you mind if I read this letter? I won't if it's too personal but I'm just—"

"Go ahead," Ella said as she came back to the top of the stairs. "There's nothing in it you don't already know anyway."

"You sure?" Nate asked.

She nodded and smiled softly at him. "I'm sure."

"Love you," Nate told her as his eyes found hers.

"Love you too," Ella said with a happy sigh. She waved and then turned to head back to the bedroom where she'd left the box which left Nate alone to read her letter.

Nate sat down in the chair and mentally prepared himself for whatever she'd written.

But if I could tell you one thing
I would tell you I'm not leaving
If I could show you one thing
All my mistakes have shaped me
Into who I am
And who I am just wants to make you home

Dear Mom and Dad,

The past six months have been so different for me. Life without the two of you is not what I always thought it would be. It's much better. That fact saddens me because your family is supposed to make life better, but mine never did. Nate and his family have taught me so much lately. They're the family I always wanted. There's clear love there. A kind of love that I've never had before. Every day I pity the two of you more and more because you'll never feel like this. You'll never have this happiness that I do. You'll never really know me. And if I've learned anything since I left it's that…it's your loss and not mine.

You'll never know my friends, you'll never see all I have and will accomplish, you'll never know my struggles or my successes, and you'll never know Nate.

Nate is not someone you'll be privileged enough to know and I'm actually grateful for that. You'll never have a chance to hurt him. I'm not going to tell you about him because if you wanted to know you would have made an effort to actually be parents. But you never did and so you'll never know the man I love and that's fine with me. You don't deserve to know him.

You'll never understand why I did what I did, why I left or why I fought to keep you away, because you don't see that you've done anything wrong. Why should I bother to explain when you can't see how wrong you were? So I won't update you on my life. I'm not going to tell you about the things that have happened to me since I left because you won't enjoy them the way I do. It's a waste of my time and a waste of yours.

But what I will tell you is that I'm not coming home. No, that's not the right word. You two are not my home. Nate's my home. Where ever I am with him is home. The small apartment I lived in with the two of you was never my home and never will be. I won't be going back there. I stayed there for far too long. You won't see me again, and I'm okay with that. I've made my mistakes and have my scars but each one of those has brought me to where I am and shown me the people who really love me.

I've finally found a home. A place where I'm happy, safe, free and…loved.

And it's not with you. It will never be with you. I see that now and I've accepted it. Hopefully, you have too.

Sincerely,

The daughter you don't deserve.