Hey my lovely readers! I'm so sorry that it has been like... six months since I have posted anything. And even worse is that there is probably only one or two more chapters til this thing is done! Eitherway, please enjoy!

My eyes dragged themselves open as my room came into focus. No longer was I sitting in elegant rooms within the Manor, but rather in my stark apartment. I swung my legs over the bed and stood up, confused and dazed to say the least.

What on earth happened? The last thing I remembered was… Flashes of Lord Phantomhive with the gun at my face and red devil eyes appeared behind my closed lids. My head pounded and I felt dizzy. How did I get out of there?

"Will?" I called out from my room, afraid of not hearing his voice. No answer. "Will, are you here?" I quietly walked out of my room into the living room. I really needed a hug from him because I could feel my courage crumbling.

Surprisingly, everything looked normal. The table was set for dinner, the food was in the oven, and the apartment was clean as a whistle. The only odd thing was Will, who was laying hap hazardously on the sofa. His glasses were perched on the coffee table next to my old 5th grade photo album and his shoes were thrown into the corner. He looked exhausted.

Quietly I tiptoed to get him a blanket and rested it on top of him. He mumbled a little but stayed asleep. As much as I wanted to know my answers, I wouldn't incur the wrath of a sleepy Will. Instead I sat down at his feet in a little ball as I let the waves of terror and confusion wash over me. More blurry images and emotions arose: fear of dying all alone, absolute terror at a gun pointed at my forehead.

"All I ever wanted to be was a reaper," I whispered quietly to myself as my body started shaking. It made the room feel fuller, safer in some weird way. "I never intended to deal with demons and lords or even humans. I planned on getting in, finishing my exam, and retiring to the spectacle room for my career." Tears started to fall down my face before I wiped them away with my sleeve.

"B-But when I had that gun to my head," I hiccupped loudly and covered my mouth to refrain from waking Will. "All I could think about was how pointless it all was. How my death wouldn't change anything. My exam seemed foolish in comparison. I-I could only think about…. Him." I curled a little tighter at this memory; how he held me in his strong arms, his scraggly face resting atop my head. How even in my own hell I could feel content. Even if it was for a brief moment

"I felt so alone in that room. I yearned to have him there, holding my hand and saying, 'Miss Spears you're safe with me,' like that night at the dock." And yet, I was grateful that he wouldn't have to see me for what I truly was: a terribly weak and pitiful reaper. Now I completely understood that he meant more to me than I ever intended, and if anything ever happened to him because of my profession I would just die a thousand deaths.

I loved him. And now he had to die.

There was only a matter of time before Will and the others found out. By then it would be too late, and Bard would be dead. If I loved him, I had to let him go. Even if it killed me inside. I had to find out if he was in any danger, if my actions were causing him harm. I wouldn't let ANYONE hurt him for my selfish actions.

And then.. I would tell him goodbye. My heart squeezed when I thought about never seeing his face again. But I couldn't burden him with my own desires. And while he had been very polite and sweet, he was probably like this with every girl. I was nothing more than a foolish child.

This was the only way to make him safe.

Satisfied with my plan, I wiped my nose and eyes once more before standing back up. I peeked once at will to see him still asleep and grabbed a coat before heading out the front door.

I'll be back soon Will. And when I am, I will have everything under control.

XXXX

Perched way outside the mansion, I sat waiting for Bard to come out for a smoke. I made sure to be far enough away that the demon Sebastian wouldn't notice my presence. Still, I felt paranoid and constantly swiveled my head on lookout for his shadowy figure. After about an hour I still didn't see Bard leave.

Should I go inside…..? I'm too afraid. Maybe I should come back later. But Will….Maybe this was best. We'll just end it like this. Or all I know Bard thinks I'm dead.

It felt like a large rock was lodged in my throat as I turned to leave the premises. My legs were wobbly as I ran away into the woods from waiting for so long. I shivered in the light snow that was now starting to fall around me. The white dust landed on my hair and I pulled up my cloak to cover my head. Will would kill me if I got sick. But that wouldn't stop this lovesickness from pulling me under its spell.

I almost missed the frozen lake in my trance and only noticed it because a certain figure was standing in the middle. His white jacket and blonde hair almost blended him in with the scenery. I stopped just short of the edge, afraid to step out onto the icy covering in case it cracked. My voice sounded like a frightened child as I called out.

"Bard?"

"Lottie?" His eyes lighted up as soon as he saw me, as if I were an angel fallen from heaven. My breath hitched in my throat as his piercing gaze fixed my own and all my thoughts were of Bard. It seemed as though he could read the words tattooed on my heart on how I felt for him. But my lips wouldn't move. My mind told my legs to run to him, to hug him one last time, but they just wouldn't respond. I was entranced and only he could break the hold.

A smile, his wonderful smile, broke and he opened his arms as if welcoming me to the world. "Come here."

I sprinted, crashing into him with the force of a thousand love struck couples, and breathed him in. Gunpowder, Spices, and… no cigarettes? Surprised I looked up at him. "You don't smell like smoke."

He chuckled before pulling me close once again. He pulled down my hood and pulled my bright hair to the side to whisper in my ear, "I know. You inspired me to stop smoking. It's right hard, but I would do anything to keep you next to me for a second longer." He stroked my cheek before smelling my hair, as if memorizing it for our last meeting. But, he couldn't know about that. Could he?

"You… stopped?" Something that felt like pride swelled in my chest next to gratitude. But then I noticed a cut under his ear and suddenly my senses returned. "Are you hurt? Where did you get this cut from? Did that butler hurt you?" I felt it with my hands and darted my eyes back and forth from the injury to his face.

"That?" he said nonchalantly. "Oh I got that repairing the window you escaped through. You left quite a mess." He tried to sound disapproving but I could tell he didn't care. "First you try to murder the Earl and then you manage to escape. Nobody has ever done that! But you had some help with distractions on the inside." His eyes twinkled and I knew he was on my side. He didn't care that I was being convicted of murder or that his master probably has money set on my head.

"Good." I say as I smile for the first time all day. "I don't like seeing people I care about get hurt." I try to not blush as I hint at my feelings before scolding myself. I wasn't going to do this… I have to say goodbye. Now.

With great reluctance I took a large breath and step out of Bard's arms. He looked at me confused, as if I was going to suddenly fly away.

"Bard," I started, "I have something to say."

"Me first." He said quickly, confident like this was practiced many times in a mirror. It took me off guard and I paused, thrown off track.

"No, Bard this is something important." I wanted to sound pulled together, sure of myself. But I could feel myself starting to tear apart at the seams.

He looked almost offended as he said, "So is this." He grabbed my waist and pulled into him again, only this time with my face headed toward his. Our lips barely touch and yet that same spark I felt when we first met lit up again. It was hesitant at first, and sweet, until he lingered a little longer. They were soft, gentle, and a little rough with his stubble. But I loved every second of it. Even if it was all too brief.

When he pulled back, a mysterious light in his eyes, I couldn't help but give a girlish smile. Yet those doubts wouldn't leave me alone as they ran around my head, taunting me of yet another thing I would miss the rest of my life. It's only a crush though, a passing fantasy. I would hear him out, and then skewer my own heart in two as I lie about my feelings.

He placed his hands on each side of my face, as if I were something precious to touch, and touched his nose to mine. "Miss Spears," he said very formally in his American accent that sounded surprisingly intimate and sexy. "I know our time together has been short, sporadic, and… quite frankly one hell of a mess to say the truth. But I met you, and that makes it all worth it." He gave me the slightest peck on the lips, but it still sent a shiver down my spine. I understood that feeling completely, but this was going down the wrong path.

"And I know this is not the 'proper' way," he said with a small smirk. "But in America women aren't courted so much as dated. They can go out with whomever they choose. They can kiss on the first date and get married whenever they please. And since I'm from America, and not England, that is how I work."

His hands ever so lightly trace down my face and neck. "You are special, Lottie. I don't want to lose you. When Sebastian took you away, I felt as if half of me was being carried away. I can't bear to have that happen again." His face scrunched in pain, as if physically we were bound by an unbreakable bond. I could feel it too. But his next words made me whole and shattered into a thousand pieces at the exact same moment.

"I love you. Will you marry me?"

"I-I…" I trailed off as I stepped out from his arms. My throat closed up and air seemed to get stuck in my mouth. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't feel. To avoid his painful face I looked down, letting my hair cover my face from the snowy word of coldness.

I was dying inside. And it was worse that I had to reject his love.

But Bard misunderstood my reaction. He grabbed my shoulders lightly and said, "Lottie, I didn't mean we have to marry right away. I just mean that when you're ready we can. Don't be scared." His voice was husky, as if trying to calm a squawking bird.

"N-no Bard. You don't understand. I-I can't marry you."

"What?"

"I said I can't marry you."

"Do you not love me? Is it because of something I said? Is it my job? Because I can quit and find another as long as you stay with me!" I heard his voice cracking. All the pain of rejection and reality was seeping into our fragile fantasy and rotting from the inside out.

I was a terrible person; terribly afraid and terribly sorry. Instead of looking him square in the eye and lying about my feelings I just turned around and ran. If I was a better person I would have told him I never loved him, that I was already engaged, or something plausible to help him move on. But no, I was a cruel reaper who just strung him along and dumped him in the worst way possible: yelling behind my back as I ran away from my problems.

"I JUST CAN'T!"

Into the dark woods I ran. Far, far away was my destination. Maybe it would be able to remove my heart because right now it felt as if life would be better without one beating in my chest. My chest heaved and puffed clouds of air until I felt woozy and began to walk. The soft snow crunched under my feet.

"I understand now," said Will from my right.

I looked over at him, red eyed and upset but not surprised. He was always one step ahead of me. He looked quiet, contemplating the serious breach in protocol displayed by his own little sister. He was writing something down in his own notebook, adjusting his glasses once or twice; a true expert in his area. He would report it all to the heads.

"I ended it," I said in a robotic voice as I began walking home again. "So you don't need to report it." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve but avoided making eye contact with Will when he caught up to me. He wouldn't do anything to Bard now; I had taken care of that. I, on the other hand, had probably lost every chance of ever becoming a successful reaper.

Ever.

I didn't care at this moment. I had done their program for years, followed every rule, and always done exactly as they desired. And now, I was going to do what I wanted. And I wouldn't let Will, Mr. Anderson or even my old habits get in the way.

I wanted to go home and take a long bath. I wanted to turn in my scythe and uniform and give up my exam. Seeing Bard again, even to just take Meyrin's soul would send me off the edge. I wanted to lie in bed with a good book and lose myself for a while. Whatever made this crumpling pain inside go away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Will when we reached the apartment.

I pushed past him to my room and walked to the bathroom. "No. Don't ever bring it up again." I slammed the door, turned on the water, and sunk into the hot bath. If only I could wash away the past to make it ever exist.

Or even better, that I could wrinkle up to small that I disappeared forever.

Don't worry! There is more. But not too much. please Review!