After a looooooong hiatus, I've finally uploaded this chapter to the internet. All shall tremble before me! 8D
Danni: We apologize. She's been actin' a tad bit cooky lately.
BHhhkdhfdkjhfaskhfdsbfdkjfbskj
Danni: See what I mean? -_-;
Enjoy everyone!
I own nothing but Cody, Milky Way, and Lucy (Not to be mistaken with Lucy Wayne from "Hayden and Diamond". Speaking of which, check it out. It's on Fictionpress. While I'm at it, maybe you can check out "Legend of Luanda" as well? Please? It'll make me happy)
Warning: There's gonna be a lot of yaoi jokes, specifically pointing to Perryshmirtz...well that sounds delightful! 8D Also, some depth and back-story time with Doof and Perry...sort of.
...Also, it might get a little sad if you squint.
P/F/P/F
Stuck! (or "The Line Between Love and Hate", or as some versions call it "Help! I'm Being Held Against My Will by a Yaoi Fanatic!")
Many of the Magicians of Danville were preparing storm clouds that covered the skies. Their jobs were to maintain the weather, and provide special protection against creatures who wanted to destroy everything. For the weather to work, there was a schedule for pretty much every type of weather or storm: rain, sunshine, tornadoes even, were put on a complicated list in a specific order.
Today, however, happened to be scheduled for a giant thunder-storm.
"So here's a thought," Doofenshmirtz said as he walked through the winds with Perry, heading for DEI with some equipment, "What exactly is the mentality behind staging a violent lightning storm over all the Tri-State Area?"
Perry stared at the platypus with a shocked expression. "Really," he asked, "Well, the reason is that the lightning creates enough energy to break up the nitrogen molecules in the atmosphere. The nitrogen then turns into nitrous oxide, which dissolves in the rain ans seeps into the earth. And since nitrogen in the soil is good for farming."
"Oh, honestly, it was a rhetorical question, Perry," Doofenshmirtz glared, "I was just making fun of the government. Way to ruin my fun."
Perry frowned. "Sorry," he apologized, "I just thought someone would value me for my knowledge for once."
"Well no one does, so get over it," Doofenshmirtz said, "You are a grade A b******, you know that? A b****** among b******s some might even say. Honestly, this is what you sound like-"
Yep, keep it up, Doofus, Perry thought to himself as he put the supplies down, Any minute now, I'm gonna show you something fierce...
As Doofenshmirtz continued to ramble and insult Perry, the platypus noticed rain beginning to fall harder from the skies above.
"-'I'm Perry the Platypus, I know all about farming.' Farming is all you know about. You're stupid, you're an animal."
Crack, went the wall between Perry's sanity and pure rage. "Well someone's got HIS racism turned up to an eleven today," he yelled.
"You know, it's not racist if it's true," Doofenshmirtz smirked, "Maybe you should learn to read."
"Well, maybe I should kick you in the a-!"
"Hey guys!"
The two turned to a familiar red-headed boy, walking over to them. "It's me, Phineas, your friend!"
"Not him," Doofenshmirtz muttered, "We better get out of here. Bad things happen when that twerp's around."
"I'm going to ignore that," Phineas chuckled irritably.
"Hi, Phineas," Perry greeted, "Wassup?"
"Nothing much," Phineas shrugged, "My sister is on a retreat with Stacey, and Isabella and Ferb are helping Milky and Cody with a project. Also, the new Social Study's teacher is a 'bisexual pedophile' as Isabella calls him, but other than that, today's been fine."
"Wait, bisexual pedophile," Perry asked.
"Never mind that," Phineas said rather happily, "We're saving that bit for another chapter. Anyways, what are you guys doing?"
"Carrying some supplies to DEI," Perry said, "Doofenshmirtz here is planning on making some crazy machine to kill everyone."
"No I was not," Doofenshmirtz yelled, "I hate all of you with a burning passion, but I don't resolve to murder."
"Oh really," Perry smirked, "Remember the war? Hm...?"
"That was ten years ago," Doofenshmirtz growled, "Get. OVER IT!"
Phineas blinked. "There was a war," he asked, "Wait. Are you guys talking about that one war back at Gimmelshtump?"
"Yes, we are," Perry nodded, "By the way, don't you still have those purple hearts of yours, Doof?"
"Shut up," Doofenshmirtz growled, "Some people say it's better to choose self-injury than barbaric displays of violence, Mr. Perry the Pyromaniac."
"I did what I had to in order to protect my family!"
"I'm sure that's what you thought while you were driving that stampede into a school-house."
Phineas stared as the former doctor and the platypus glared fiercely at each other. The young boy sweated a bit. "Uh, guys-?"
"Oh, as if you're any better! 'I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and I'm gonna FIRE MAH LAZAH'!"
"Oh, please, that's not even funny!"
"Guys..."
"It is because it's true. You blasted a friggin plane with a laser; you know, that one you thought was an enemy plane when it was just a jet filled with innocent people?"
Phineas's eyes widened, glancing back and forth at Doofenshmirtz, who seemed to take those words personally, and Perry, who was very much amused with Doofenshmirtz's expression. "Okay," Phineas said in an attempt to split the two apart, "Let's just calm down, and-"
"YOU DON'T THINK THERE WASN'T INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THAT SCHOOL HOUSE," Doofenshmirtz yelled, his voice almost cracking, "MOST OF THEM IN THERE WERE CHILDREN! CHILDREN!"
"At least I managed to get over it," Perry stated, "After one, it's like nothing. Sure, I stay up on long nights, wondering what Animal Hell is gonna be like, but in the end it's no big deal."
Phineas stared at Perry, sudden memories of the Color Factory running through his mind. Doofenshmirtz looked at the platypus with an unimpressed look on his face. "You have no soul," Doofenshmirtz said.
"Whiner," Perry spat.
"Murderer," Doofenshmirtz argued.
"Murderer times two."
"Pyro."
"Deserter."
Phineas looked back and forth as the insults flew, and tensions ran high. The boy was just about to walk away when he heard thunder crash. Phineas looked up in horror to see that the storm was beginning to get more and more violent.
"Uh, guys-" Phineas began before the other two shot glares at him.
"WHAT?!"
Phineas jumped, while Doofenshmirtz and Perry noticed more rain fall. The two looked up in the air as more lightning flashed. "Oh, crud," Doofenshmirtz groaned, "You have got to be kidding me..."
"We should probably take shelter," Phineas suggested looking around, "Oh, look, there's a table we can hide under."
"Maybe not," Perry said, "It might remind Doofenshmirtz here of the trenches."
"Say one more word," Doofenshmirtz hissed, "One more word about that war. Just. Say it!"
"Will you two please shut up for fifteen seconds so we can find shelter and not di-?"
Thunderbolts
and
Lighting
Very, very, frightening
"STOP THAT NARRATOR!" Phineas yelled to no one in particular.
Humph. I can't help it if I like that song...jerk. Just for that, I'm gonna make the lighting hit you guys if you guys don't manage to find shelter in thirty seconds.
30
29
28
"See," Doofenshmirtz said, "Bad things happen when Phineas is around!"
"That is not true," Phineas shouted
"Okay, I admit," Perry sighed, "That theory seems accurate at this point..."
"Oh, so now it's my fault," Phineas growled, "If you two didn't start arguing about that stupid war-"
"STUPID war," Doofenshmirtz said, "You mean the war that nearly destroyed an entire nation!"
"Over something as trivial as taxes," Phineas argued.
"How is that trivial," Perry asked.
24
23
22
"Look, now you've gotten me into the argument," Phineas said, "Wait to go, Stupidshmirtz."
"So YOU'RE the one who's been spreading that nickname around," Doofenshmirtz said angrily.
Perry snickered. "That's was a good one, by the way," he pointed out.
"He-he, thanks," Phineas aid proudly, "Ferb and Isabella helped me come up with it. And spreading it around town was easy. All we had to do was tell this one guy named-"
"You do realize that I'm gonna have to kill you right now, right," Doofenshmirtz asked, causing Phineas to cautiously take a few steps away from him.
"What happened to 'I don't resolve to murder'," Perry asked with his arms crossed.
"Shut up," Doofenshmirtz said, "I said I wouldn't resolve in killed everyone. I can kill one kid and feel nothing."
"See? One kill. Feel nothing."
"That's it, wise-guy, get over here!"
Perry began to run away around Phineas while Doofenshmirtz gave chase. "Ugh, you guys are so immature," Phineas said, "And that's coming from me."
17
16
15
"Wait, aren't we forgetting something," Phineas asked.
"What do you you-oof!"
Doofenshmirtz tackled into Perry before he could finish. "GOT'CHA YOU LITTLE TURD," Doofenshmirtz said as he began to strangle the platypus, "Any last words, Pyro?!"
"Ack...air...need...air..."
"Hey, stop it, you guys," Phineas yelled going over to Doofenshmirtz and trying to pry his arms off of Perry.
The arguing became ambiguous chatter as the three began to speak over each other, forgetting all about their predicament in the process, much to my enjoyment. I'm going to be so happy when I zap those fools into oblivion.
Phineas's eyes widened. "THAT'S IT," he said fearfully, "That's what we're forgetting! We need to find shelter fast, otherwise-"
Ugh, me and my big mouth.
12
11
10
"Oh snap," Doofenshmirtz and Perry shrieked.
All three scattered, looking for some kind of place to hide. Unfortunately, all the shops were closed, and there didn't seem to be any houses at a five second radius for them to skedaddle to.
7
6
5
Lightning began to flash. Doofenshmirtz, Perry, and Phineas all screamed in fear.
"PLEASE! HELP US FIND SHELTER," Phineas begged, "WE'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST DON'T SHOCK US!"
3
2...
...Anything?
Doofenshmirtz, Perry, and Phineas all gave each other glances as I hummed to myself.
Hm...okay, you guys win.
"Doofenshmirtz! Perry!"
Doofenshmirtz and Perry flinched while Phineas turned around to see a house on a hill right behind them. "Huh," he said, "I never noticed that before...wait, who's-?"
"Doofy! Perry!"
The girl calling to them wore a TwiDash t-shirt, blue-jean shorts with juice staining it, and green flip-flops. Her hair was blonde, and her eyes that were covered with a pair of glasses were a pretty shade of violet. Around her neck was a purple gemstone, indicating that she, like Cody and Doofenshmirtz's nameless girlfriend who tried to kill him in a previous chapter, was a Magician. "It's me, Lucy, your friend," the said girl called in the same happy tone that Phineas had, only it was slightly more exaggerated.
"Not her," Doofenshmirtz and Perry shrieked.
"Run toward the warm, welcoming glow of my friendship," Lucy said as she motioned to the three to come into the house.
Phineas was the first to make a run for it, though Perry went to try to stop him. "Phineas, wait," Perry cried out, "It's a trap!"
"It's probably better than staying out in a deadly thunderstorm," Phineas said, "Now, c'mon!"
Doofenshmirtz and Perry looked to each other before sighing in defeat and following Phineas into the house. Lucy shut the door immediately after, allowing the other three to dry off. Silence ruled the moment for about five minutes. "Uh," Doofenshmirtz began awkwardly, "Thank you...Lucy."
"No problem," the girl smiled, "What are friends for?"
"So, you guys know her," Phineas asked.
Lucy turned to Phineas. "Oh, hello," she greeted, "And who are you?"
"Phineas Flynn," the red-head introduced, "I'm friends with these two dorks arguing behind me."
"Pyro," Doofenshmirtz muttered.
"Deserter," Perry spat under his breath.
Lucy chuckled. "Oh, they always do that," she said stretching a hand to Phineas, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Phineas Flynn."
Phineas grabbed Lucy's hand to shake it. "It's nice to meet you too," he smiled, "Lucy, was it?"
"Yep. Lucy Suarez, at your service," Lucy greeted with a curtsy.
Lucy turned to Doofenshmirtz and Perry, who tried to look as innocent as possible. "And it's so good to see you two again after all these years," she said.
Doofenshmirtz grinned sheepishly. "We are glad to see you again too," he said with a hint of nervousness before Lucy turned back to Phineas. The man looked over to the platypus and whispered, "Try to sneak outside, and see if there are any motels near by."
Lucy turned to Doofenshmirtz and Perry, who tried to look innocent, again, then shrugged and continued an interesting conversation about how this whole story started in the first place with Phineas. Perry glared at Doofenshmirtz.
Urrrgh. If I have to spend one more minute with that deserter Doofenshmirtz, I can't be held responsible for what I'd do...just like in the war.
"Ha-ha, that's so much like them," Lucy said with an amused eye-roll, "By the way, I hope you haven't come down with the Disco Fever. Last time it rained this hard, I broke out in jives."
"I nearly became over-run with the need to get funky," Phineas admitted, "But now that I think about it, I think it was more out of panic than a symptom of a disease."
"Well, you're all welcomed to share the guest room," Lucy said, "The storm blew some bolt cutters on my phone line. So we're totally isolated."
Phineas tried to ignore it, but couldn't help but feel a bit uncomfortable when Lucy said that last part. The nice girl suddenly let out a happy gasp as she began to clap her hands. "Doofy and Perry will have to stay here," she stated joyfully, "It'll be just like in my story!"
"...Story," Phineas dared to ask asked.
Lucy broke out in a mad giggle as she went over to a large book shelf and telepathically took out a five thousand paged note-book entitled "Snips, Snails, Platypus Tails: a love story". She excitedly handed the book over to Phineas, who gingerly grabbed it as the magic aura disappeared. Lucy motioned the boy to read, whilst Doofenshmirtz and Perry motioned him to do otherwise. Phineas took a breath before opening the notebook, admittedly appealed by the proper hand writing.
"Meddleshmirtz and Jerry come from two different worlds," Phineas read out loud before trailing off into mumbles.
"My very own composition," Lucy proclaimed, "It's a work in progress, but so far the reviewers on FanFiction dot net love it!"
Phineas blinked, looking up to Lucy and then to a mortified looking Doofenshmirtz and Perry. As he read, he managed to piece together that the two characters, Meddleshmirtz and Jerry, must have been based off of Doofenshmirtz and Perry. Yet, these two, Meddleshmirtz and Jerry that is, seemed to be much closer than the ones they portrayed. As he continued to read, he began to realize that they were much, much closer, indeed.
"...Meddleshmirtz's sweat glistened in the..." Phineas blushed.
"Just wait until chapter 12," Lucy said, "That's when it gets really juicy!"
"Uh, define, juicy," Phineas stuttered, his eyes glued to the current page.
"Please, don't," Doofenshmirtz begged.
Lucy grinned. "I'm glad you asked," she flashed out a book mark, put it on the current page Phineas was on, rapidly turned it to a page on chapter seven and pointed to a specific paragraph.
Phineas looked to Lucy for a moment before beginning to read the said paragraph, his face slowly becoming redder than his hair. "As their tongues danced with each other..." Phineas gulped, earning a giggled from Lucy.
"Isn't it amazing," Lucy asked in a sing-song voice.
Phineas grinned sheepishly. "Uh...yeah," he chuckled, "Amazing indeed..."
Perry proceeded to grab Doofenshmirtz by the brim of his coat and dragged him into the kitchen. "Would you excuse us for a moment," he asked.
Lucy nodded. "Sure, go ahead," she said as her two 'friends' left her and Phineas all alone in the living room. Lucy turned to Phineas. "So, what do you think?"
"Um, well," Phineas scratched his head, "I gotta say, I'm having mixed feelings about this story..."
Lucy smirked before taking out another book from the shelf. "Wanna read more," she asked.
Phineas stared blankly.
.
.
.
In the kitchen, Doofenshmirtz and Perry were both trying to find an escape route: an open window, a ventilation system, ANYTHING. But the shaft they found was too small for either of them, and the windows were bolted shut, almost as if Lucy had expected their arrival. "UGH! There's no way out," Perry said.
"Oh, gee, thank you Captain Obvious," Doofenshmirtz said sarcastically, "I would never have thought of that."
"Shut up," Perry hissed.
"Boys! What's taking you so long," a female voice that sounded demonic only to Doofenshmirtz and Perry from the other room called.
Doofenshmirtz and Perry both panicked for a few seconds before giving up on their first attempt of escape and walked back to the living room. To their surprise, they saw Phineas and Lucy, sitting on their knees on floor mats. Phineas was painting Lucy's face with an unidentified substance, both of them seeming to be thrilled.
"What the-?" Perry was cut off.
"Oh, hello guys," Lucy greeted, "Care to join us?"
"I cannot believe this," Doofenshmirtz face-palmed at Phineas, "We're gone for only five minutes, and you've already indoctrinated Lucy into your crazy religion?"
"Crazy," Phineas asked, "That isn't what cult leader Ferb says. When Lord Klimpaloon returns, we'll see who's crazy."
"I still think that he made it up," Perry said, earning an eye roll from Phineas, who chose to ignore both Doofenshmirtz and Perry for the moment.
"I'm being accepted," Lucy cheered, "Just like in my story!"
The girl at the age of 25 levitated the same five thousand paged notebook towards Doofenshmirtz and Perry, who stared at it with frightened looks. "You both have to do what I've written," she said in an optimistic tone, "Or else!"
"Oh, well, that's too bad," Perry said backing away towards the door, "I've gotta get home and wreck something so I can file an insurance claim saying that the storm did it. See ya!"
The platypus bolted out the door, earning an enraged look on Doofenshmirtz's face. Lightning flashed. Perry screamed. And then five minutes later, the platypus reentered the house, half of his body looking smoked from being struck. "Or, maybe I'll just get Kayla to do it," Perry said.
"YAY! Everyone is trapped with me," Lucy clapped, "Is my initiation over yet, Phineas?"
"Almost," Phineas said, taking out a book entitle "The Big Book of The Mighty Klimpaloon" from the air, "For, you must vow your allegiance to the cult, and then you're in!"
"Hooray," Lucy cheered, "Afterwards, we'll do everything in my story," Lucy levitated the notebook and flipped open the book, "And Meddleshmirtz and Jerry will slowly fall in love!"
"We have to get out of here," Doofenshmirtz whispered to Perry.
"What was that, Meddleshmirtz," Perry asked, "You wouldn't want us to end up like Lucy's old friends back at Canada, would you?"
It only took five seconds for Doofenshmirtz to digest what Perry was doing. "Alright then," he said, "So we're playing along, are we?"
"Thanks to the OWCA," Perry bragged quietly, "I have become a well-rounded actor, and have been waiting for a chance to use my talents."
"Okay," Doofenshmirtz said, "So while you distract Lucy, I'm gonna hit her in the back of the head with a bat."
"That isn't what I meant," Perry glared.
Lucy suddenly popped in between the two, and pulled them both in a hug. "I hope you two aren't planning anything behind my back," she said hopefully before letting out a happy cheer.
"Nope," Doofenshmirtz and Perry lied in unison.
.
.
.
Phineas and Lucy both sat on the couches while Doofenshmirtz and Perry reenacted a scene from Lucy's story. While Phineas was chewing on his popcorn, Lucy stared at Doofenshmirtz and Perry with a gleeful look on her face.
"I wasn't expecting to see you at my art studio, Meddleshmirtz."
"I'm here...Jerry..."
"Aaaaaand end scene," Lucy said as she checked off something in her notebook, "Chapter 2, complete. Hee-hee, this is so awesomesauce!"
"She's crazy," Doofenshmirtz mouthed to Perry while 'brushing his teeth and combing his hair'.
"Only sixty-eight more chapters before I free you," Lucy stated.
"Watch as a true thespian works his witchcraft," Perry whispered with a wink. He looked to Lucy and began acting panicked (note: his acting is terrible, no matter what he says), "Lucy! You have to call an ambulance!
"I've got a fever of a hundred and three and I'm barely stayin' alive! It's the dreaded Disco Fever! Achoo-oo-oo-oo-oo~."
Doofenshmirtz nearly snickered. "And the Oscar goes to..." he said mockingly, earning a dirty look from Perry.
Lightning flashed again and the lights went off. Suddenly, for some unexplained reason, Doofenshmirtz and Perry were both alone in the room, seeing as Phineas and Lucy had both suddenly disappeared. Both of them spoke softly.
"Doofenshmirtz. Where are you?"
"I'm here."
"Is she gone? This is freaky."
"Let's get out of here fast. I'm sure we can find shelter in an abandoned cemetery."
"...I wanna go to the chocolate table."
"For the last time, that was mud you were eating, not chocolate."
Grrrrrrrrrrr
"Ah! Perry, what was that noise?"
"I hope it was my stomach."
Lightning flashed again as an unidentified monstrous roar was heard. Doofenshmirtz and Perry screamed in terror as the being seemed to come closer...only for it to be Lucy, hiding under a blanket. They screamed some more. "Okay, Phineas, you can turn on the lights now," Lucy said as she went over to her notebook to check something off, "Terrified hugging, check."
The lights went back on, allowing Doofenshmirtz and Perry to notice that they were, indeed, hugging each other. They pulled away, casting each other glares. Lucy pulled the two into another hug. "Now it's time for dinner," she said in a sing-song tone as she began pulling the two into the dining room, Phineas beginning to follow them, "Ooh, while I get dinner cooking, we should tell stories! Doofenshmirtz will start."
Phineas and Perry glanced to each other.
.
.
.
(A/N: For those of you who are afraid of surgical information such as this, please skip the paragraph below [and refrain from flaming me if you decide, despite your better judgement, to read it anyway])
"...So I sewed up the wound, thinking in my child-like naiveté that I had successfully completed the surgery. However, about a day later I was appalled to discover that I had punctured an intestine, and that the patient was becoming septic. I tried to go back and correct the mistake, but that was when I learned my first lesson about proper procedures. I hadn't shaved the surgical area, and as a result some hair got into the patient's wound. The consequence was an allergic reaction that caused inflammation, and that only complicated the issue.
"Afterward, long story short, my father explained to me that's why I couldn't keep the puppy...also, it died."
Phineas, Perry, and Lucy stared at Doofenshmirtz with equal expressions of horror. "Okay," Lucy said nervously, "Horrible stories, check..."
"The happy ending is that these days I can perform that kind of surgery blind-folded and with my bare hands," Doofenshmirtz said, wiggling his fingers in emphasis.
"Doofenshmirtz, your childhood is kind of terrible," Phineas said, earning a 'Nooooo, really?' look from Doofenshmirtz, "I mean, how can you tell a story like that, and then go around smiling like nothing's the matter."
"That's easy," Doofenshmirtz said, "I just think of something funny, like a blind guy in a wheel-chair."
"How is that supposed to be funny," Phineas asked.
"Well, my father had a lot of comedians in his dungeons," Doofenshmirtz explained.
"Shut up, Phineas, this is why I don't ask Doofus about himself," Perry said, "If you keep picking at it then sooner or later he's gonna get out the alcohol and then things are just going to go downhill from there!"
Ding!
"Dinner's ready," Lucy said as she left for the kitchen, "I'll be right back!"
A pregnant silence ruled the moment. "...So," Phineas trailed off, merely speaking to break the silence.
"An old sandwich on the floor," Perry said as he leaned under the table for five seconds before coming out munching on something gross and unidentifiable, "It's still good!"
"How are you still skinnier than Buford," Doofenshmirtz asked.
Lucy came back, holding a pot full of pasta. "I love Italian," she said as she placed the pot down, "It reminds me of Lady and the Tramp."
"...You know what," Doofenshmirtz said, "I'm suddenly not hungry right now."
"Yeah, me too," Perry said.
"I'll eat it," Phineas said, "This stuff smells good."
"That's fine," Lucy said getting out the notebook, "We can check that part out and go over to the next scene. Ooh, and this is where it gets really exciting, too!"
Lucy began to leave again. "You guys sit tight while I go get the costumes," she said.
Doofenshmirtz and Perry gasped as Phineas began to serve himself.
2 hours later
"I waited at that train station for five hours," Perry, wearing a frilly dress, yelled.
"But your letter told me to meet you at the castle," Doofenshmirtz, wearing a fancy suit, said.
"That letter was for your brother!"
"Alright, this is great," Lucy said between bites of her food, "I can really feel the tension in the air."
"Mm...this is good," Phineas said as he ate.
"I know," Lucy said, picking up the notebook beside her, "Let's move on to the dramatic flashback chapter where Doofenshmirtz relives his moments at the front lines at the war."
Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms and turned away in defiance. "Oh no," he said, "I'm still seeing a therapist for all the terrible things I went through."
Suddenly, a pillow slammed into Doofenshmirtz's face. He glared at Perry, who was the one who threw the pillow to begin with. "It. Is. O-" Another pillow slammed into his face.
Phineas and Lucy watched as Doofenshmirtz and Perry began throwing pillows at each other like bombs or some other kind of weapon. Another pillow slammed into Doofenshmirtz's face. He glared fiercely once more. "You. Little. Ba-" Doofenshmirtz was interrupted by yet another pillow.
Phineas snickered. "You know, this is actually kind of fun," he admitted.
"We'll play as Doofenshmirtz's innocent victims," Lucy stated as pillows flew at her and Phineas.
Doofenshmirtz once again glared at Perry. "Let. Me. Fi-" Oh! What a surprise! He was hit by another pillow!
"Okay," Lucy clapped, ceasing the pillow fight, "And now you two have to sleep in the bunker together."
.
.
.
Down in the basement were three beds: one for Phineas, one for Lucy, and...
Doofenshmirtz and Perry, of course, were forced to sleep on the same bed as the other. They tried their best to stay as far away from each other as possible without falling off. "Alright, the objective is simple," Doofenshmirtz explained softly, "All we have to do is go to bed. We don't have to make eye contact with each other, we don't have to worry about what the other is thinking. We'll just get some sleep and come tomorrow this whole thing will be like a bad dream.
"With that being said," Doofenshmirtz went on, "Keep your filthy animal paws on your side of the bed, and we might actually go through this without any casualties."
"But I licked off all the mud," Perry stated pointing to his paws.
"So what," Doofenshmirtz asked as he turned over to the platypus, "That's actually a little grosser."
Perry in turn turned over to Doofenshmirtz and showed his hands to him. "They're clean," he said, "Look."
"Ew," Doofenshmirtz said, "You're disgusting, you know that?"
"Ugh, this is just like that time at Alice's," Perry grumbled.
"Oh, you mean that time where you dared Applejack to pull that tree through the window," Doofenshmirtz asked, "You didn't think he could do it. But he did, didn't he?"
"Well it was funny until that tree got in here," Perry admitted.
"See, there's your problem," Doofenshmirtz said, "You're completely immature, and that's why you managed to get yourself in trouble all the time. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, you drag ME into your problems. It's the same with every one of my friggin' so called friends, and it all started with you."
"Oh, how petty of you," Perry growled, "Blaming everything on everyone else as usual. What about during the war, huh? Tell me, who dragged you there? Me? Or was it the other way around?"
Doofenshmirtz seethed, but gave no answer.
"Exactly," Perry said, "You blame everyone else around you for your problems, when in reality the only one to blame is yourself. It was your fault during the war, and it's your fault now."
"Oh really," Doofenshmirtz said, "You mean I'm the one to blame for my so-called fri-"
"You know what," Perry started to yell, "I don't even think I believe that! I think you're just too embarrassed to admit that you can't get any other kind of friends than the ones you already have, and that attitude of yours is just to cover up you obvious loneliness!"
"Oh, is that what you think?"
"Yeah it is!"
"Do you have any reliable proof on the matter? Nope. I don't think so."
"Well, then, how about we put my hypothesis to the test. Why not invite your parents to Danville? We'll find out how forgiving your mom is when I-"
"YOU LEAVE MY MOM OUT OF THIS OR I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL PERFORM AN AUTOPSY ON YOUR STILL CONSCIOUS BODY!"
"Oh, like heck you would."
"I could too! I killed a puppy!"
"Yeah, but not on purpose."
"SHUT UP!"
Doofenshmirtz and Perry both looked over to the other beds. Lucy had sat up on her bed, and had actually screamed at them in frustration which was enough to distract the two from their arguing for at least a little bit. Phineas groggily woke up himself, rubbing his eyes. Lucy levitating the notebook towards Doofenshmirtz and Perry, glaring as she did. Her gem glowed dangerously as her anger rose the more she spoke.
"All day long you've been botching my masterfully written fan fic about you guys," Lucy began to rant, "And now with all this arguing I can't even dream about you! I have the magic power to levitate objects, read books, control lightning, and write fan fics. And when I get angry I LOSE CONTROL OF ALL MY POWERS!"
With that said, the gem glowed white, causing the other three to recoil in shock. The largest bolt of lightning from the sky zapped outside, snapping Lucy out of her rage. The lights seemed to go back on automatically, as Lucy, Phineas, Doofenshmirtz, and Perry-in that order-went up the stairs to see what had happened. They looked out the window to see that the lightning had struck a giant tree, and the said tree was ready to fall.
"Oh no," Lucy shrieked, "That tree is going to fall on that giant purple mushroom!"
Perry pushed the humans away from him as he took out a lasso that seemed to come out of thin air. He pushed the window open while randomly, and used the rope to lasso the falling tree. "Good thing my fedora can turn into a giant rope," Perry said as he began to pull on the rope.
"Uh, Perry," Doofenshmirtz tried to say before being cut off.
"Easier than square dancing with a card-board box," Perry said in a Southern accent.
The tree was pulled down in through the window. Doofenshmirtz, Phineas, and Lucy all braced themselves as Perry began to hang from the giant plant that filled the room. "I tried to warn you," Doofenshmirtz growled, "The angle you were at along with the winds, managed to carry the tree in here! Dummy!"
"This is what you get for angering Lord Klimpaloon," Phineas stated.
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY," Doofenshmirtz yelled angrily.
Perry turned to Lucy with a cheesy grin. "He-he, Merry Christmas, Lu," he said.
"This isn't canon," Lucy said out of frustration as she read through her story to confirm her previous statement, "There's a giant tree in my house made of tree, and that's not supposed to happen until chapter 26! And it's supposed to dramatically shatter Roger's spine!"
Perry looked over to Doofenshmirtz. "Would you care to give me a hand," he asked.
"Oh, no," Doofenshmirtz said, "You fix your own problems for once."
"What-?"
"You brought this upon yourself, platypus."
Perry growled and began beating up the tree. "Destroy, destroy, destroy," he repeated like a mantra until he was too tired to do it anymore.
Perry then looked over to Phineas, who was stacking some books in an interesting manner. "Phineas, come help me," Perry yelled, "You don't need to make a shrine for Ferb's made-up religion!"
Phineas didn't listen. Perry growled, then hummed in thought. Then came up with an idea that made himself growl in anger. "Praise Lord Klimpaloon," he grumbled.
Phineas turned to the platypus in surprise. "You're converting," he asked.
"Yeah, whatever," Perry said, "Look, I'll convert if you help me move this tree."
Phineas thought over this for a moment before nodding and beginning to help Perry beat up the tree. "Destroy, destroy, destroy," they both said before getting tired again.
Perry looked over to Lucy, who seemed to be suffering a mental break down at the moment, and then to Doofenshmirtz, who was trying to use a book to cover his head from the rain. "Doofus," Perry yelled, "Come and help us, you idiot!"
Doofenshmirtz didn't respond, and turned away from Perry, who growled in frustration. "Oh for Pete's sake, just apologize," Phineas insisted.
"No, he needs to say he's sorry first," Perry said.
"It's either we die from this tree," Phineas said, "Or you apologize to Doofenshmirtz so he can help up. Your choice."
Perry looked back and forth to the tree and to Doofenshmirtz. The platypus let out a sigh. "...I'm sorry."
Doofenshmirtz's head shot up. "What was that," he asked as he turned to Perry.
"I'm sorry, okay," Perry said, "I shouldn't have made fun of you about the jet plane. I know that the war's been hard on the both of us, but that doesn't mean that we should have to be enemies, Doofenshmirtz."
"Meddleshmirtz," Lucy corrected.
"Meddleshmirtz," Perry repeated.
Doofenshmirtz stared at Perry with a touched expression on his face. "You're actually apologizing," he asked, "No one apologizes for all the torment people do to me, ever! You really mean-"
"Yes," Perry nodded, "Now, emotional apologies on the side, there are two things you're good at: being logical, and killing stuff. And I'm gonna need you to do both of those things in order to help me."
Doofenshmirtz contemplated over this for a moment, before smirking. "Let's prune this."
Phineas looked unimpressed. "Ugh, Dr. D," he said, "That was...that was terrible."
"Shut up."
While Doofenshmirtz, Perry, and Phineas were working together to move the tree, Lucy's meltdown seemed to subside. "I know," she said, "If Alice's nervous breakdown gets pushed back, then maybe I can move the sham marriage two chapters earlier! What do you guys thi-oof!"
Doofenshmirtz grabbed Lucy and began to squeeze her waist. Lucy let out a squeal of pain, causing her gem to glow again. Energy of some kind blasted at the tree, breaking it up into pieces. Phineas and Perry both began to move the said pieces over to the window for them to drop to the ground. The pile of wood slowly began to diminish, much to everyone's relief.
Lucy giggled a bit. "So," she said, "Does this make you bi, Doofy?"
"Oh, no," Doofenshmirtz released Lucy with a look of disgust on his face, "Get those gross fantasies out of your head, yaoi-girl."
"What's yaoi," Phineas asked.
"Don't play stupid with me," Doofenshmirtz commanded, "Now shut up and keep working!"
After about an hour, the tree was gone. Although the room was soaked and muddy now, all was finally at peace. "Well," Phineas said, "That wasn't nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be."
"I can't believe that actually worked out fine," Perry said, "I guess team work is the answer to everything."
UGH! NO! We're not supposed to teach morals on this!
"Well, it's your own fault for putting us here in the first place," Doofenshmirtz said.
...Shut up.
.
.
.
Several days later
Doofenshmirtz and Perry both laughed nervously, as they, Phineas, and Lucy sat around in a circle, their faces painted. "Another great joke told by Lucy Suarez," Lucy stated.
"Just keep playing along," Doofenshmirtz muttered to Perry, "I think we're almost out of here."
"Of course Doofe-I mean Meddleshmirtz," Perry said quickly getting into character.
"Oh, I'm so glad I met you, Jerry," Doofenshmirtz said.
"Our love is like a well-written fairy-tale."
"Marry me."
"I do."
"Yay!"
"Yay, we're so happy!"
Doofenshmirtz and Perry both pretended to laugh with glee. Though it was obviously fake, Lucy seemed dumb enough to believe their act. "The end," she said as she checked off the final chapter of her story, "I declare my first fan fic a success!"
Doofenshmirtz and Perry jumped up and gave each other a high-five. "WE'RE FREE," they cheered.
"Book one, complete," Lucy said, earning more nervous chuckles.
The three of them were free to leave that day. Lucy greeted them all goodbye, while asking if they would kindly stay for breakfast. Doofenshmirtz and Perry politely told her to go screw herself and never bother them again. Phineas said that he'd be glad to visit her often.
"Say, Phineas," Perry said as they began walking from the house, "What's that you've got there?"
"Uh, oh, this," Phineas said looking to the book he was carrying, "N-nothing! Just, something I found on our way over to Lucy's, he-he."
"I never saw you bring anything in," Doofenshmirtz said, "And is that...is that a notebook?"
"So what if it is," Phineas yelled trying to hide his panic, "Look, I've gotta go."
With that, Phineas ran off, leaving a very confused Doofenshmirtz and Perry. "What was that all about," Perry asked.
"I dunno," Doofenshmirtz shrugged, "All I care about is that the yaoi fiasco's over, and that we can go back to our normal lives."
.
.
.
Once far enough from Doofenshmirtz and Perry, Phineas took out the notebook that Lucy gave him. The title read, "Love, Loss, Double Cross", which was the sequel to "Snips, Snails, and Platypus Tails". Phineas looked back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry, who failed to notice, before hugging the book close to his chest.
"No one must know."
(The End)
A/N:
Well, that was delightful, was it not? I am so glad that we could have fun together once again.
Although I am sure that you did not like this chapter. )X
Although, I only kid. Certainly fun was had by all. :3
Well, yeah, bet you were not expecting Phineas to be a yaoi fan, eh? And yes, Ferb is a cult leader in this dimension. I should have probably added "isn't he too young to be a cult leader?" but I'll leave that for another time. ^_^
This was certainly my best written work for the series. Considering all the others need serious rewrite. Speaking of which, My Dictator Level is Over 9000 has generously offered to beta the chapters of this series. Thanks Natty. :D
Now note, I didn't write this to anger yaoi fans or make fun of them. This was just for fun, guys. Just. For. Fun. Do not come over to my house and kill me with fire...please. I very much like my life. T_T
Well, until we meet again, please read and review!
~GTS signing off~