Weight

He looks at his children, and suddenly Sasuke feels so old.

Rating: T

Prompt: Younger (July 17th)

This is a oneshot for SasuSaku Month, for the prompt "Younger."

That said, it isn't "official" or anything; you won't find it on the SasuSaku Month LiveJournal account. I meant to submit it but didn't. Oh well. I was almost late posting it, too.

I tried to use some symbolism in this one, so keep an eye out for it. To me it's sorta subtle...but it could be blaringly obvious. It is pretty obvious at the end, I'll admit that.

It is nearing dark when Sasuke trudges through the gates of Konoha. His team quickly disperses, eager to return to the comfort of their homes. Sasuke finds that while he also wants nothing more than to return to his own bed and, for once, get a decent night's sleep, he simply can't muster the energy for more than a slow walk. His pack is heavy, and he is so tired. It is okay, though, he muses, because it will give him more time to give thought to his current predicament.

He and Sakura's relationship is odd at best, Sasuke thinks. It has always been such. It does not contain the long nights of stargazing or many whispered I love yous. Before they had entered into this relationship, he had told her to expect as much. He is not a man of emotions, he had told her, and cannot give her those things that she wanted. She had told him that it was okay, that she understood, that she simply wanted his love, whether he showed it often or not.

For a while, that had been all they needed. While he couldn't give her the romantic nights out like her friends had experienced and were experiencing, he did what he could. She found that she had to plan many of their dates, but Sasuke would then make small efforts to contribute to their dates. When they went out to a dinner, he would rarely speak, but he would listen intently, and when their bill came, he would quickly swipe them both up, even to Sakura's claims that she was a grown woman and could take care of herself, damn it!. On their nighttime walks (which happened with far more frequency than any other dates), he would lead her through some of the more scenic parts of the village.

It took Sasuke some time to become accustomed to the touching, though. He had quickly discovered that Sakura liked to touch. It was never excessive – mainly, she liked to hold hands during their walks, or lay her head on his shoulder when they were alone – but he was unaccustomed to such things. Really, he had once told her, why would full-grown adults hold hands? What was the purpose of such a childish thing? Sasuke could vividly remember her face then. Her eyes quickly found the ground and her lips fell into a small frown. He nearly cringes now when he remembers what he had said to her then.

"I told you not to expect such things from me, Sakura."

She had simply nodded, but the frown hadn't left her face that night. Nor had she said anything else to him. It had bothered Sasuke for reasons beyond his understanding. Why should it bother him? Hadn't he warned her of this before? If she was sad, it was her own fault for expecting such things from him.

Weeks later, though, on one of their nighttime walks, he quietly and without warning slips his hand into hers. When he glanced over at her, he found that the beaming smile on her face made up for feeling like a complete idiot.

Sasuke sighs uncharacteristically. His musings into the history of his relationship has done nothing to change his current situation, and he was nearing his home. He had precious little time. He shifts his pack, and it feels so heavy now. When did he start taking so much with him?

The day he had left for his mission, he had found Sakura crying. This was not a common occurrence. Unlike her younger years, she no longer cried over every little thing. He also wondered why she had not sought him out. He had learned over the years that when she is sad, she enjoys being in his presence. She needs a shoulder on which to cry; sometimes literally. Unless…

Unless he is the cause of her sadness.

And then he found himself confused, and then angry; he is rarely confused, and he finds that he doesn't much like it. But he cannot ignore his conflicting thoughts. Should he go to her side, to try to work it out? What had he even done to elicit this? Would she want him there? But then he finds that the choice has been made for him as Sakura looks toward him; she must have come to herself enough to sense him standing there. He made toward her, but she shied away from him, a confirmation that yes, he indeed was the cause of her sadness.

"What is it, Sakura?" He stopped trying to get closer to her. One time was enough for him to figure out that it would just be useless; she would keep moving away. He would later find the irony in it.

She merely hid her face and shook her head, as if to indicate that she wouldn't tell him. Sasuke had to sigh at how ridiculous that was. Did she think if she just didn't answer that he would turn around and forget this ever happened? But he also knew any other attempts to get her to speak would be in vain, and so he waited. She would tell him when she was ready.

After a while, she calmed down and showed her face, though she refused to meet his eyes, and spoke. "You're just…so cold sometimes, Sasuke."

He opened his mouth to answer, but she beat him to it, "Before you say anything, I know what you said. But I thought that once, just once, you'd do something to show me that you loved me…now I'm wondering whether you even do."

If Sasuke had been any other man, he would have gaped at her. Did she really just say that? As it were, though, he simply said, "Can you look at our children and say that?"

This turned Sakura's sadness into anger. "Don't try that with me! You know as well as I do that's not proof of anything, considering…No. No, I won't get into that. Look, Sasuke, I know what you said, that you don't show emotions well. But I just wish you'd do…something every now and then just to remind me that you feel something, anything for me. Have you ever once even told me you loved me?"

"Whatever, Sakura. I just came here to tell you that I have a mission. It's a week long. I have to go."

He had lied; his team didn't meet for another couple of hours, but he had no response for Sakura. The only thing he had to say was that she should have expected it from the beginning, but that would have only made the situation worse. So Sasuke did what he had done his entire life.

He ran, and he found that it isn't as satisfying as it was years ago. As he was leaving, he tried not to hear the sound of her crying.

He is approaching his home now, and he is out of time, and he knows that he can no longer run. He truly does care for Sakura, he does, but to put a name to it, to call it love, is something he feels he cannot do. Hate, anger, even sadness and disappointment, he knows. It is familiar, sometimes welcome simply in its familiarity. Love and happiness are a far-off memory, a dream of a past life where everything was perfect and the only worry in his life was being good enough for his father and hoping that he is lucky enough to get Itachi to play ninja with him or teach him shuriken techniques.

Much time has passed since then, and he has done so many things. He has so much blood on his hands, some of it hers even, and happiness is beyond him. He has accomplished all his goals in life; Itachi is dead, although he now finds it is his biggest regret, and his clan has been restored, as proven in his two children, and in that he can have pride, but happiness, he feels, is beyond him.

He steps on to the grounds of his home, and briefly he hopes that maybe she has taken the kids somewhere and that she isn't home, but he projects his senses and finds he has no such luck – actually, he finds she and their children are in the yard behind the house.

Curiosity wins out over his fear of being found out (because he is wiser and more mature and he finds that he no longer has a problem admitting his fear) and Sasuke walks around the house.

When he walks around the house, the view stops him in his tracks. She has her back turned to him, and she is laughing, and he finds he misses the sound, because she simply doesn't laugh as much as he thinks she should. As much as she used to. It is a beautiful sound, and she deserves to laugh more.

Looking past her, he finds the source of her laughter to be their children. He looks at his children, and suddenly, Sasuke feels so old. They are playing a game, laughing and playing in their young innocence. For a moment, he feels that it is a shame that they will grow up to fight and kill like their parents have done. That they will, like him, have blood on their hands, that they will take life while their primary focus should just be whether or not the boy or girl down the street likes them is a thought that in that moment Sasuke cannot come to terms with. This innocent joy is something he finds he wishes he's had more of. What if his childhood had been different? What if he had chosen a different path when he was younger? How much would have been different?

Sakura stops laughing and that pulls him out of his reverie. She turns, and Sasuke freezes. He fears what will happen next, and it occurs to him that it is always he who takes her laughter.

But what happens next is something that would bring him to tears if he were a different person. Their eyes meet, and through everything that happened between them, she smiles at him. It is a smile that transcends time and reminds him of when that smile was only and always for him.

Sasuke takes a tentative step forward, and his legs are shaking. He is so weak, so tired. He drops his gear and nearly sighs with relief at how good it feels to be rid of it. His next few steps are more confident, and she gasps when he puts his arms around her and draws her close to him.

"I'm sorry that I'm so late."

She brings her hands up to his back and pull him closer. "No, it's okay. We haven't been waiting that long."

"No, I've kept you waiting for far too long. What did you do all this time?"

She pulls away from him just enough to look him in the eye. "Sasuke…it's okay. It hasn't been that bad. Besides, you're here now. That's all that matters."

And then she kisses him, and suddenly, he feels seventeen again, with all the time in the world to enjoy his wife, his children, his life.

And he found that his pack was never quite as heavy anymore.