Everyone knew that Superboy was only 16 weeks old but looked 16. Even Superman, when he wasn't being all "But the kid is not my son", knew from Batman's constant reminders. That had been the first thing that anyone heard in regards to the clone, besides the warning from Kid Flash that he "doesn't like being called 'it'." Whatever else the League learned of Superboy was shipped to them via hacked zeta tube from a mysterious "Dark Squire" and his equally mysterious partner "The Kid" in a book called Baby's Firsts!

That was the only time that the original seven ever saw Batman and Flash facepalm in unison.

Regardless of the sheer amount of trollery that Kid Flash and Robin often employed, though, there was always a point behind the prank. This only took Batman a second to realize upon flipping the pictures of "Baby's First Word" (The scene where Superboy had first met the others had been replicated, with Superboy in his solar suit and Kid Flash and Robin on the ground, Kid Flash's face scrunched in fake-pain and Robin with a "Well isn't that precious" look on his face. The first word was evidently "ARGH!"), "Baby's First Ride" (Kid Flash had been the ride), "Baby's First Food" (pictured was a food fight, the obvious result of an argument over what, exactly, would have been Connor's first real world meal), and a conglomeration of other pictures (including the more non-conventional, such as "Baby's First Fight" and "Baby's First Time Not Sleeping Standing Up"), finally ending with a picture of "The Proud Parents".

It was a half and half photo of Wally, Robin and Kaldur. (Wait, wasn't Kaldur supposed to be the sensible one? That was why they had left the other two in his hands. Oh, God, the Cave was going to blow up before the team even had a chance...) The left side of the photo was a mirror of the right side, except that the teens were in their civvies on one side and their suits on the other. Kid Flash and Robin had their arms around each other's shoulders and large grins plastered on their faces, and Kaldur stood behind them with a hand on either shoulder and a serene smile on his face, balancing the energy of the two in front.

It was through this photo that Batman realized the team was much too good-looking. This would require more sunglasses.

As Batman flipped back through the book in the silence of the Batcave, he made a mental note of some of the little handwritten notes spread all over the pages: "We're so proud of you, Supey!" and "You get the aster from my side of the family!" and "You are growing most admirably, Superboy." Batman also took note of the little depressions in the hard cover of the book, like someone had held it so much, it had left a permanent imprint. There were tears near the spine too, as though someone had used a little too much strength to turn the page or unknowingly turned it too quickly...

Batman stood abruptly, sending a message to Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Aquaman to zeta to the caves to see how the team was doing. Separately, he told Clark to "find yourself at the Cave. No questions."

Ten minutes later, the mentors were confused as to exactly how the situation had devolved into this...mess.

"GOD, M'GANN, HE'S ONLY 16 WEEKS OLD!" Robin had puffed up to about 3 times his size, arms around Superboy and Batglare trained on M'gann. On Superboy's other sided was Kid Flash, consoling a distressed(?) Superboy and holding up a tiny teddy bear. "Show us where she touched you on the bear," Kid Flash alternated between rubbing Superboy's back soothingly and stroking his hair whilst murmuring soft reassurances that M'gann was not going to touch him again. (Batman was both perplexed and horror-struck that the overprotection was not just a Barry thing, but evidently a Speedster thing.) M'gann looked two parts wholly apologetic and one part completely confused, stammering out an "I-I'm sorry?"

"OH, YOU'RE SORRY? 'SORRY' WILL NOT FIX THE TRAUMA THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED SUPERBOY. JEEZ, CALM YOUR TITS, M'GANN!" Robin looked ready to strangle her; Wally was tearing up; and Aqualad, who had gone unnoticed until now because he was nowhere near as vocal as the rest of his teammates, approached the Martian girl and said in his most "disapproving parent" voice, "Miss Martian, I do not appreciate you laying your hands on Superboy. Such actions could have harmed his mental stability, stunted his growth, and left him socially inept for the remainder of his life. I do not wish to have to speak to you about this again, but," here, his voice lowered to somewhere around "I am the night", "if you dare to touch Superboy again, you will not find me pleasant to deal with."

J'onn, horror-struck at exactly what his niece had gotten herself into, turned to look at Batman wordlessly. Batman blinked once behind the cowl, and that was enough to let the rest of the leaguers know that THIS, whatever THIS was, had reached an all-time level of "what the hell."

This was a time for action. And they were the Justice League, so action they would give.

"Clark, get out there."

Every mentor turned to look at Batman, confused about exactly where the Dark Knight was attempting to go with this. Batman was Batman. Batman always had to have a plan. If Batman didn't have a plan, then you suited up, because it was the end of the world again.

What many failed to realize, though, was that Batman was Batman was trolling Bruce Wayne. (Who else would Dick get it from?) So Batman did not always have to be The Dark Knight. Sometimes, he could be the Troll Master. So, while Batman could have said,"You are a larger version of Superboy, and the children are only responding well to him. You have the best chance. Go"...

He didn't. Because where was the trolling fun in that?

Instead, he fixed Superman with a Batglare, and the Big Blue Boyscout ran like the puppy that he was with his tail between his legs to greet the team. When Superman entered, everyone stopped. Robin's glare shifted, Wally's sad eyes nearly caused Superman to admit to something that he did not do, and Kaldur's cool glare sent shivers racing up and down Superman's spine. It was only when he caught sight of M'gann, looking more helpless than any person should in the presence of those that were considered friends, that Superman steeled his resolve, puffed up his chest-

"Well, look. The Deadbeat showed up."

-and promptly started praying that he made it out of this cave with his dignity still somewhat intact.

Meanwhile, Batman and Flash mentally noted that perhaps there was more feeling behind the book of baby firsts than they had originally thought.

Robin, looking somewhat upset that Kid Flash had gotten in the first blow against Superman, crossed his arms and stood protectively in front of Superboy, who was still frowning. (It could have had to do with the bowl of eggs and milk that was still overturned on his head.) Robin, again standing formidably like the mother bird that he had evidently turned into, fixed Superman with another glare, the likes of which he had only seen from Batman. "Have you come with the promise of baseball and pies on the weekends, a lifetime of apologies, and shameless groveling on your knees while begging for mercy?" Somehow, they could all tell that behind the mask, his eyes were steeled.

Superman blinked twice, confused. "Umm... no..."

Robin scoffed, looked at Kid Flash (who looked similarly disgusted), and in unison, they both growled out, "Then what good are you right now?" Superman's jaw dropped, Miss Martian let out a gasp, Aqualad and Aquaman both nodded in silent approval, and so quickly that it almost never happened, Bruce and Barry shared a near-silent high-5.

Aqualad, not to be outdone, crossed his arms and regarded Superman with about as much disdain as Alfred upon seeing the Flashes eat for the first time. "Superman, what is your business with the team?"

Superman cleared his throat, plastered on his TV smile, and said, "I was in the neighborhood...?"

Wally scoffed, one arm around Superboy once more. "Really? What a surprise that you even stayed in this hemisphere with Superboy in it."

"I do not understand this sass." Barry was just being honest.

Aqualad placed a placating hand in front of Kid Flash. "Now, Kid, we must not get too touchy. After all, this is Superman. He is supposed to set a good example for people everywhere, as he is The Boy Scout. Taking ownership is what Superman is supposed to do. So, I suppose that it was only a matter of time before he showed himself." There was a smile that was all teeth, no warmth, and then, "And I suppose that one cannot alwaysassume the best of people."

Superman would later deny the whimper, and Aquaman would later deny the proud, muttered, "That's my boy."

Superman looked so lost that Batman almost took something that could have vaguely resembled a distant relative of pity on him. Keyword: almost. Superman looked to Superboy for help, and there was a moment of silent appraisal as Superboy and Superman both tried to make sense of what the other would do next.

But since all Kryptonians are at some level stupidly open, Superboy let his face soften, and Clark was reminded of exactly who he was looking at. Abruptly and stiffly, Superman turned around and started for the zeta beams. The parents hissed collectively, Superman heard the clone's teeth clench, and Kid Flash murmured consolingly, "It's ok, Supey. He's a butt. And not even the Finding Nemo kind."

Superman teleported out of the Mountain with a "Recognized, Superdouche: 01". Superman's indignant squawk was the last thing they heard before he went back to Metropolis.

The rest of the mentors emerged from the side hallway and the boys fixed them with lesser glares than the ones that had been given Superman. "We regret nothing."

Batman, Flash, and Aquaman blankly looked back at their proteges (even though it was blatantly obvious that Barry and Aquaman were trying so hard not to smirk proudly), and Martian Manhunter had to think to himself exasperatedly, "Well, I suppose the team bonding is working."

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I'm seriously on a roll with the crack. It's a lovely creative writing exercise.

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