Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters should pray for their good fortune.
Title: Behind Blue Eyes
Summary: Loki's feeling's after his defeat by the Avengers while in their captivity before returning to Asgard. Songfic: Behind Blue Eyes by the Who
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Behind Blue Eyes, by The Who
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
All the Avengers fixed him with judging stares and snarky comments, but he cared little for the way they treated him. He would allow their ego's to swell since they did win afterall. Yet, at the same time he knew that they could not, and would not ever understand him or anything he did, so he remained silent. He had always been the bad child and the screw up in Odin's eyes so being known as the villain, and Earth's number one enemy was a familiar feeling. He knew that he should feel something after his defeat, more than anything sorrow, but he could not bring about the feeling, leaving him feeling empty and hollow. He had not spoken much aloud and just meditated trying to find something, anything, left inside him. The Avengers he suspected were unaware of his inner struggle and must think he was just plotting his escape and next attempt to take the planet. He was too good at hiding his emotions and always had been, so nothing was revealed from behind his icy blue eyes.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
Yet it was all there, hidden within the depths of his mind. All the hatred that he had seemed frozen over or unimportant, but everyone else's hatred was conveyed as clear as day to him. It was easy to ignore since he had spent the majority of his life paying no mind to the comments directed at him, and he had coped as best he could with the physical abuse from all those around him who were easily twice his size. He had always been of small stature, and so the other Asgardian's teased him mercilessly. They hated him reasons even he did not fathom and the abuse seemed never ending. He could deal with the physical pain, but it was the mental pain that affected him the most. The way they called him weak and took advantage of his vulnerability to instill their harsh words in his mind lasted far longer than any pain from the physical injuries.
He pondered when he had started lying to ease his pain. He always had a knack for it, and it was his natural defense against the bullies. Often he lied to protect himself from the things they told him, and he remembered crying himself to sleep many nights because they made him feel worthless and like a burden to the people he once called his family. Over the years his lies only escalated until he himself could not distinguish between the lies and the truths. He shielded himself from the cruel world with his blanket of falsehood, and that only increased their resentment of him, increasing the amount of lies he told. It was a never ending cycle, and he wasn't sure who was to blame for it, him for being different, or them for being wary of such differences. He wondered if it was their nature or his fate that lead to him becoming the famous lie smith.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
He once only dreamed of pleasing Odin, of making himself worthy in his eye, and then perhaps the rest of Asgard would follow. His dreams never really extended to achieving power, not until he realized that he could use that to gain Odin's favor. Only then did the thought of having it drove him to such lengths as destroying Thor and all who opposed him.
He did not feel remorse for his harsh actions against Thor, or anyone else. He had a clear conscience, and he suspected that it would always remain that way. After all, everything he did throughout his life had always been to protect himself, since no one else was willing to. He had always needed to go to extremes to ensure his safety and this was no different.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
His so called family always claimed that they loved him, and would always be there for him, but where were they now. Sure Thor was here with him at the moment but only physically, not mentally. Thor may love him but he would never understand Loki, in fact Thor had been one his many abusers as a child. Thor believed that Loki needed to toughen up, and so he beat him harder than the others, and his words always cut deeper. He could see the regret in Thor's eyes now that he knew his true heritage, now that he knew why Loki was never as strong as him. However, Loki believed that it was too late for that, far too late. Loki only sought vengeance against Thor now, which was the only way he expressed his feeling toward Thor. He would admit that maybe not all of it was hate, but perhaps some it was directed out of love, love that he had always felt Thor gave him solely because he believed they were once kin, but not out of respect and companionship.
His vengeance had already cost him much and he knew that his allies would make good on their promises, they always did. They would ensure a painful death to him, or in the very least they would make him suffer, and perhaps let him go so that they could prolong his suffering. Nothing was ever free, and the pain he would experience would be his payment.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
The feeling that drove him this far were strong, far stronger than anyone else could imagine. He still felt slighted by all of Asgard, yet this feeling just seemed as though they had drifted away now leaving him empty. His know detached shell reflected but the reflection still had a taint of bitterness to it like everything else in his life.
Really though he cast some blame on Thor earlier, most of it was directed toward Odin, the man that watched him suffer throughout hislife, but never gave him any help. Odin knew how bad the people treated him and never intervened. Loki was sure that Odin had regretted adopting him when he realized that Loki was far too different, and perhaps everything that happened to him was a way of easing Odin's guilt about his poor choice so many years ago. However, Loki still did not believe that Odin was fair to him, after all, he had told him about the evils of frost giants all his life. It was like he had been grooming him for a life of failure.
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
At first Loki had tried to hide the pain the truth had caused him. He had tried so hard to understand why he lied and keep his anger at bay, but he just couldn't in the end and everything spiraled out of his control. Normally he like the chaos that went on around him, but it had just been too much, and it had cracked something deep inside him. At that time it was clear that something was wrong, yet no one tried to help him. Thor had been disappointed but never stopped to offer him some sort of protection, not even a brief nod of comfort. So everything had stayed inside and escalated, but no one saw through his facade.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
No one bothered to stop and protect him from himself, from the crushing agony building inside. It was like they didn't care. After his fall from the bifrost after his fight with Thor his allies had exploited his mind and moment of weakness. They bent him to their will and made him a slave giving him false promises that everything would be okay if he went with their ambitions. So there was no one to stop him from the reckless actions that he went on to commit. Yet even now he did not regret them. He would need to be more than a hollow shell to achieve that, it required some form of emotion.
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one had offered him protection and his allies continued to feed him the lies and inflict upon him pain for not believing them. The other made sure that he got his point across in one way or another and many of their methods were tortuous, yet he was used to the pain and thought nothing of it. He had no blanket of protection, and the lack of comfort made it easier for the other to take control.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
So even now as Thor sits with him in his little cell doing all the things he should have done much earlier he still can't move past his emotionless empty state. Even as Thor gently holds him close begging him to talk to him, rubbing soothing circles on his back and crying into his shoulder he still remains a shell and nothing more. It is too late for comfort; he is too far gone now. Finally their eyes meet and he knows that his eyes convey nothing; everything is still hidden behind blue eyes.
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Any comments? I heard this song today and thought that it was perfect for Loki. Hope you liked it.