Author: Zhampy
Rating: T / PG-15
Genre: Humour/Romance
Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing in the FFVII Compilation.
Summery: From the lifestream Aerith and Zack finally reach their wits end dealing with an emo Cloud and send him back to a happier time. Cloud wakes up in his bunk as a 16 year-old and is immeditely sent out for training despite being drunk off his tits. Cloud is an angry drunk and assaults his supereior officer.
Contains: Main pairing is Cloud/Sephiroth with a Zack/Aerith side-dish and some other minor pairings. Some OOCness for humourous purposes, AR, couple of OCs, and occasional foul language.

a/n: I'll be honest, despite what i'm going to do to the characters in this fic i'll admit to disliking the FFVII Extended Universe and what it's done to the characters and basic plot. I don't care about most of it and it's been years since i've succumbed to the siren call of Advent Children and Crisis Core, so i'm fuzzy on... lots of details. Forgive me for my inaccuracies!

Modus Operandi
Episode One – It's a Kind of Happiness?

Imagine, for a moment, that you're stood in a wasteland. Alone. It's cold, and it'll be getting dark soon. Also you're blind. No civilisation for miles and you have to get back home. You run as fast as your tired legs will carry you, but you're blind so you can't see what you're doing. Then you remember you have no home to return to. So you stop. And take a look around (that doesn't help any because you're blind). This is your life now. This is what you've done to yourself. This is...

… you forget where you were going with this.

"Here you are, pal," the slick-looking old barman passed him his drink.

Cloud sighed.

Life was really down the shitter right about now.

There's a storm in my heart; my thoughts tangled like a—some sort of squid. My long nightmare will never end; I got here too late and they're out of pickled eggs. I'm being stalked, by a shadow; Vincent doesn't quite grasp Hide and Seek. There's a pain in the back of my mind; Yuffie put my materia back in the wrong order. It feels like my life is speeding passed before my eyes; I got a ticket for double parking Fenrir. My personality permanently stained; the dry-cleaners ruined my best shirt.

"Hello again, Cloud," a soft, sweet voice quietly greeted him.

"Aerith," Cloud muttered in recognition as he settled his head in his arms, watching the liquid slosh to-and-fro as he moved his glass in tandem with other barflies. The pretty pink flower.

"And you called me the slum drunk‽ What do you call this?" Aerith's voice again.

The frail priestess.

"This is pathetic."

The vulnerable white mage.

"Cloud, you're a wreck."

The martyr to their cause.

"We've been through this already, Cloud," a second, masculine voice said. "You've already got over this guilt once. Stop being such a sad sack and suck it up, bro."

He'd often hear their voices. Often reminisce about the old days while sitting in this unnamed bar, alone and nursing a gin and tonic. He was meant to be a hero. Meant to have saved the Planet—twice! He'd defeated a walking God, and his kids too or something—wait, was he a child murderer? Oh, Gaia! It was no wonder no one wanted to sit next to him at the bar!

"Getting some serious second-hand embarrassment over here," Aerith sang.

The problem with having friends was that they insisted on being friends with you. Wahh, Cloud, you're depressed; talk to us. Hey, buddy! Let's go for a walk, you haven't had a, uh bath for quite a while. Y'know, there's this thing called the "outside". I hear it's quite fun, maybe you should give it a go? Hey, pal, we booked you an appointment with... a, uh, friend. He'd like to talk to you about, er, stuff. No, Cloud, no! Put the bottle down!

"I'm your friend, buddy. And I would put my boot so far up your arse you'd be coughing leather for days."

"Zack, don't be so harsh," Aerith admonished the second voice.

"How else we gonna get through to this Negative Nancy?"

"You have to be subtle," Aerith said smoooothly.

He was so godamned drunk right about now.

"I've had a great idea," Aerith started in that sort of too-happy tone that had always led to bad things. Bad, bad things. "We're going to send you back to when you where happy. When you were 16 back at ShinRa. Cool, huh?"

"WHAT? No! No, that is the opposite of happiness! That is anti-happiness! No! ... no! No!"

"It's a kind of happiness?" Aerith tried.

But Cloud was still at it; "no! No!... no! Nooooo."

"That doesn't even sound like a word anymore," Aerith quipped.

Cloud had managed to create a circle of vacated seats around him as he banged his fist on the table with each exclamation of outrage.

"Shit, call the police," the barkeep whispered harshly to a waitress.

"Uh, maybe you should stop doing that, buddy," Zack suggested with a hint of nervousness.

"I'm tired of you! I'm tired of all of you! Everyone just leave me alone, argh."

Seemed most of the bar agreed with him as the patrons eyed him form a safe distance. You never knew what the young, volatile ones who couldn't handle their alcohol would suddenly do. The waitresses had started carefully removing all the chairs from around the blonde man. But Cloud wouldn't let-up on his little mental breakdown.

"Stop talking in my head, this is really traumatising!"

Oh! But wait. He stopped. This whole thing was absolutely ridiculous. There was no way such a thing would be possible. Completely ludicrous. Absurd. No way. Also this was not real.

"We can totally do it," the smirk in Aerith's voice was obvious.

"Why not just go back and kick Lucrecia in the stomach a few times?"

"Cloud, that is awful!" Zack's appalled voice chastised him. If the man were still alive Cloud would have received a clout upside the head.

"How 'bout kicking Hojo's mother a few times?"

"Slightly less worse, but still bad," Aerith concluded.

"Besides, we all know that Hojo crawled out from under a rock fully-formed."

A pause. "Why are you doing this to me?" Cloud all but sobbed into his drink.

"You're unhappy and we're your friends."

"Also we can only play dead-badminton so many times before needing another form of entertainment."

The table rattled as Cloud abruptly stood, sending the barflies (barf, lies) closest to him scuttling away like scared mice. "Whatever! Stop messing with my life, I don't have to take this kind of abuse, i'm Cloud-Fucking-Strife. I go where I want!"

And with that little outburst Gaia's drunken Champion stumbled for the exit.

"Oh no you don't!"

"Think you can get away from us?"

Then suddenly the room began spinning. Okay, nothing too unusual there, this sort of thing happened all the time. Cloud had become quite skilled with balancing on a rotating axis. The green haze behind his eyes was something new however. Usually the green haze came in an all-the-more projectile form when he was on his knees praying to the porcelain god.

"At least let me finish my drink first," Cloud begged. "C'mon, I paid for that!"

THUD

Blackness.

A green shining light.

Nothing.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Hey, Cloud. Hey, hey." Someone was pushing at his shoulder.

"Ughhh..."

"Hey, get up."

Reaching around Cloud limply slapped the intruding hand away. The sound of someone grumbling and shuffling away vaguely registered in his mind as he sluggishly shifted his body closer to the wall. Then the light footsteps came back and the next thing—

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B—K—RASH

"Cloud, why‽" a distressed voice shrieked.

"Ow, fuck!" Cloud cradled his suddenly throbbing forehead in both hands.

Once he'd recovered slightly he looked around with bleary eyes; the dent in the metal framework of the bunk bed had a rather obvious and deep imprint to it; identifiable as suspiciously Cloud-shaped even to his misty eyes. A young blonde man in full ShinRa cadet digs was sat on the floor weeping over a broken alarm clock, its inner workings smashed down the adjacent wall akin to a shotgunned brain.

Evidently the sudden alarm had shocked him into some sick airtime and he'd smashed his face into his bunk. The young man on the floor solemnly put his wreaked clock on one of two desks, his face stricken as if he'd lost a close family pet, and turned back to Cloud.

"We 'ave ta leave now or we'll be la'e. Don't wanna b'punished."

"F'wha'?" Cloud blearily looked down at himself to notice he were dressed in the same blue cadet uniform. "Did you dress me‽"

"I did not touch yah. Tha' is gross. Now come on, we 'ave ta go!"

The young blonde boy began yanking on Cloud's arm rather roughly but Cloud wasn't in any hurry. Or entirely certain his legs would keep him vertical.

"What is your hurry?" he muttered dimly.

With one final yank the boy had finally managed to pull Cloud's upper body to the floor. "If we don't go together we'll both geh in trouble! Buddy system: barracks 03, room 22, Granville 'n' Cloud." But as Cloud refused to move even with a dislocated arm flopped over his head and his body awkwardly positioned half-on half-off his bunk, his apparent roommate became desperate. "C'mon, please! I've already bin written up twice for the... uh, mumblemelonmumble... mumblesecretary... tissue incident! One more black mark 'n' i'm out!"

"The melon secretary tissue incident?"

"Please don't make me explain ih again," the boy whined, jogging on the spot impatiently—or nervously.

Swinging his legs from the bed Cloud settled himself on the floor. "Let it be known that Cloud Strife does not leave a cadet in peril."

"Why yah bein' such a jerk?" Granville asked.

"Just comes natural I guess," Cloud shrugged. He beckoned for the boy with his arms held up, "lift me."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Out in what he remembered to be the main yard the cadets had been gathered to a cordoned off section behind a fence. They'd each been given a dummy rifle with blank ammo. Groups of higher ranked cadets and SOLDIERs where gathered around and practising on their own schedules.

Cloud wobbled.

He stood sandwiched between Granville and another cadet trying to wrap his listless mind around this weird-arse dream. Their superior officer, a man in a SOLDIER Third Class uniform, paced back and forth before them.

"All right ladies, listen well!" the SOLDIER's voice cut through Cloud's brain like oversized novelty scissors to a ribbon at an opening ceremony.

He wobbled again.

"Hold those rifles properly and not like a godamned pen!"

The SOLDIER could see Cloud in his peripheral.

"Trigger discipline, Turner!"

Cloud wobbled once more, this time more subtly.

"Hold your shoulder back, Shepardson!"

The nose of his rifle touched the ground.

"CADET!" The SOLDIER roared in Cloud's face, spittle flying. "Stand on your own two feet!"

Peering closer at the familiar man yet ignoring the order Cloud could feel Granville trembling. "Thompson? Why would I dream about you?" he asked incredulously.

"I could see it," Aerith piped up thoughtfully. "Despite the large forehead he's not too bad. I'd dream about him."

"Seven out of ten," Zack awarded the SOLDIER.

"Cadet," the SOLDIER warned sternly, "that is not how you address a superior officer."

"I remember you now." Cloud nodded with a raised index finger as if he'd just solved a complex arithmetic equation. "I remember hearing you got discharged over a liaison with a Turk. A liaison that ended over the President's desk."

twitter twitter twitter the squad erupted into whispers. Super-licious, quiet verbalisations as rumours began spreading in a fast track game of Wutain Whispers.

"I heard it was with Cissnei."

"Naw, I heard it was with that guy, Rude."

"He seems like a secretive sort of fellow."

"Gags and blindfolds where involved."

"Fucking weirdo."

"Apparently it was the General who caught them."

"Shit! Scary stuff."

"SILENCE IN THE RANKS!"

All eyes snapped forward to a now obviously flustered Captain Thompson. The large-foreheaded gentleman (who was clearly having an affair of some kind) was staring down Cloud with the barest restraint. The barest restraint to punch the little blonde shit in the face.

"As you can see," the man began through gritted teeth," I am still a SOLDIER Third Class. I have not been discharged and am not currently engaged in an affair."

"I'll send you a card when you're kicked out," Cloud replied curtly. "Does ShinRa make a card for this situation? 'Sorry you got dishonourably discharged, but look on the bright s—'"

Then he was on the floor.

He could taste blood. With the sun out high the menacing shadow of the SOLDIER Captain cast over him. Cloud looked up through that face contorted with seething rage to the sky.

What a nice day for a fight.

"Do it. Do it, Cloud. Hit him," Zack audibly pumped his fist.

"Don't encourage him," Aerith snapped.

"What would you do?" Cloud asked aloud and ignored his fellow cadets as they tittered nervously.

This guy was nuts!

"I'd totally do it," Zack said clearly. "C'mon you can trust me. I'm just like you. Do it."

Before anyone could move or even notice, Cloud's foot shot out catching the Captain's shin and knocking the man to his knees. Cloud rose sharply, grabbing a fistful of black SOLDIER Second uniform and cracked his forehead against the taller man's most impressive noggin.

"Largest target i've ever had to hit," he spat some blood from his torn lip.

Migration had come early as all his fellow cadet's jaws had hit the floor with a collective crunch. Granville had fainted dead away like a fair maiden suffering a bout of narcolepsy.

Cloud didn't quite notice the fist speeding to the back of his head.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

a/n: Apologies for the interrobang (‽) but ffnet hates the civil union that is the exclamation mark and the question mark. Without it the tone of dialogue can change considerably and I don't like that. So i'll be using the interrobang whenever needed until ffnet decides they don't like that either.