a/n: Kendall/Lucy angst oneshot based off of the songs "Lucy" by Skillet (even though it has zero to do with that song itself) and "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade. Hope you enjoy! I don't own anything. ps: I'm sorry the end is so bad but I didn't know what to write dakgjakag.

Hey Lucy, I remember your name...

Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her. I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me

"Wakey-wakey." a soft voice murmured, and Jo scrunched her face up.

"Mmmm… Kendall." she mumbled. She heard him chuckle softly and he whispered to her again, causing the blonde girl to wake up to a pair of yellow-green eyes staring at her.

"Morning." she replied with a yawn. "What time is it?"

"A little after seven in the morning." he replied. "Got to be up early to head to the studio, and you have an audition to prepare for."

"Right." she nodded. He smiled and leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead before sitting up and stretching. "You sleep good?"

"Great." she replied, smiling at the memories of last night. Spending three years in New Zealand was worth it after the making up the two of them had done when she returned. It was good to know that next to nothing had changed between them.

She laid in his bed, pulling the blanket up to cover her body, watching him as he climbed out of bed, wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs. As his back turned to her, she was startled when she noticed something she hadn't earlier: he had a tattoo. Across his back in black ink and old styled letters it said, 'Hey Lucy, I remember your name' and she found herself wondering who exactly Lucy was. It wasn't his mom or his sister- that much she knew- but it had to be someone pretty special for him to get her name permanently engraved into his skin.

"Hey," Kendall turned around to look at her, figuring it wouldn't hurt to ask. "Who's Lucy?"

-three years ago-

Kendall could still remember the first day he saw Lucy Stone. She was unlike anything he had ever seen before with her jet black hair and red streaks, her piercing eyes, her rocker-chick style. She just had something about her that had him literally paralyzed by her. The way she walked, the way she carried herself, the way she wore that little half smirk on her face…

It was right then and there, after the first glance, when Kendall decided that he had to know her.

Of course, he wasn't the only one who thought that she was something special, all of his friends agreed that they wanted a shot to be with the new girl. But they wanted her for superficial reasons: she was gorgeous, she was older, she had her own place. Kendall, however, went hysterical over his first sight of her and wanted to know anything, just anything, about her- he wanted her for what was on the inside. He was a little torn though, since he had just lost a girlfriend to New Zeeland and he swore off of girls until his heart had healed… and Carlos and James called "dibs" on her, and of course, he couldn't break the code.

But still, he couldn't get Lucy Stone off of his mind.

The first time he actually talked to her though, they didn't get off on good terms. He was insistent on not talking to her, in hopes that he wouldn't fall for her mysterious and sexy

charm, but when she just described his music as "cute" and that it "just doesn't rock", that was when he drew the line. Nobody talked about his music like that, not even a girl with the prettiest hair and eyes and smile. It had to set her straight with a new song. But along the way, through all of the paralyzing and working on a new song, Kendall realized that he wanted more than anything to impress her, get her seal of approval with the new song, the new style of music. But why, he wanted to know. Why did he care so much about what she thought? Was it because everyone normally said their music rocked no matter what? Was it because she was different from the ret of them?

It was all of that, but it was more. It was the fact that she challenged him, made him want to do better. He wanted to show her up, make her take back her words. And in the end she did, and while that pleased him more than anything, he still couldn't lose the little thoughts in the back of his mind that Lucy Stone was unlike any girl he had ever met before.

When he was playing the new song, he couldn't get the look on her face when he told her that they were going to be performing on the news. While he sung, he couldn't stop thinking about her- if she would like the song, if she was watching him right now, if she changed the channel on her TV. When she told him that Big Time Rush really did rock, he couldn't stop smiling. That night, he thought about her some more. He thought about her attitude, the way she played guitar. The way she laughed and smiled. Everything about her was just beautiful.

Lucy Stone was beautiful.

And Kendall Knight wanted to make her his...

Kendall learned soon that if there was one thing Lucy was good at, it was keeping secrets. After he learned that she was keeping her LA life a secret from her parents, he couldn't help but to wonder what else could she possibly be keeping from him. There was no doubt that she was a mysterious person, he knew that much, and she was like a whole different person underneath her badass exterior. After living with her at the Palm Woods for over a year, he decided that it was time to know the real Lucy Stone.

"Hey, Luce." he called to her when he caught her in the hall one day. "What's up?"

She shrugged. "Nothing really, just getting some guitar playing in." she replied, motioning to the electric guitar hanging off her shoulders.

"Wanna hang out?" he asked, his lips curling into a smile.

She smiled in return, and Kendall noticed that she was getting softer with him than she was before. Maybe, just maybe, she was starting to like him too. "Yeah, sure." she replied, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Just let me drop this off, and we can…" she paused. "Well, what exactly are we going to do?"

He shrugged. "How about a game?" he suggested.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Every time I play a game with you, I get into trouble someway, somehow." she said. "I do believe last time we "played a game" I almost got evicted."

He laughed at the memory. "Don't worry." he reassured her. "This game will be safe."
He didn't know it then, but he was so wrong about that.

A couple of minutes later, the two of them were in his apartment, and he managed to talk her into playing 20 Questions with him. She was reluctant at first, her only argument that they had been friends for nearly a year and he knew a lot about her already, and vice versa. But that wasn't enough for Kendall, and when he told her that this was a game that wouldn't get her almost kicked out of her apartment, she agreed. He found a ball in his sister's room and bounced it once before saying, "I'll start."

"Of course you will." she smirked, standing across from him.

He chuckled. "What's your middle name?" he asked tossing the ball to her.

She bounced it once before replying, "Elizabeth." and threw the ball back to him.

He raised an eyebrow. "Lucy Elizabeth?" he asked, throwing the ball back.

"Lucille." she corrected him. "Lucille Elizabeth Stone." she threw the ball back.

"Cute." he said simply, and his smile grew when he saw a faint blush rise to her cheeks. "Your turn."

When she caught the ball from him, she bounced it once before asking, "What's your middle name?"

When he caught the ball, he looked down bashfully and chuckled. "You'll laugh." he said, throwing her the ball.

She chuckled as she caught it. "Must be a good one then." she said and threw it once more.

He paused. "Donald." he replied and she was laughing so hard that she missed the ball when he threw it back to her. "Thanks!" he said sarcastically, pretending to be mad with her when in reality, just seeing her smile made him smile.

"S-sorry." she chuckled, wiping her eyes, which had started to tear up. "Sorry… Donald." she chuckled once more, and he rolled his eyes. "You're turn." she reminded him, throwing him the ball back.

"When did you learn how to play guitar?" he asked.

She caught the ball then replied, "When I was thirteen. I needed an outlet at the time." she replied, throwing the ball back.

"What kind of outlet?" Kendall inquired as he caught the ball.

Lucy smirked, catching it again. "I do believe it's my turn, Knight." she replied. He rolled his eyes and she asked, "Why do you want to know so much about me?"

When he caught the ball, he paused in thought. She already knew that he liked her, so he didn't want to just use that as an excuse. But why did he want to know so much about her anyway? Was it because she was such a mystery and he couldn't figure her out? Or was it solely because he wanted to get to know the girl he had such strong feelings for? "I'm not sure exactly." he finally replied, then threw the ball back. "There's a lot of reasons for it in my head, but I can't exactly voice it well enough." he continued after she had caught the ball. "I just know that you're different from any girl I've ever met and, well, who wouldn't want to know more about a girl like you?" he smiled shyly at her, biting his lip, and she nodded, a smile gracing her lips.

"Fair enough." and she threw it back.

Kendall paused again for a moment. "Tell me something about yourself that I don't know." he prompted her, throwing the ball to her.

When she caught the ball, she bounced it a few times, pondering over what to say. As time went on, Kendall found himself getting anxious as to what she would say. Finally, she said softly, "I'm sick." she threw the ball back a moment later.

He caught it, but his brows furred together in confusion. "Do you want to go back to your apartment?" he asked. "I can get you some soup." he added as he threw the ball back.

She chuckled, but her eyes were suddenly sad. "I'm not sick like I have a cold." she explained. "I'm sick like… I have…" she went silent again, bouncing the ball a couple of times.

"Luce, you're scaring me." Kendall said softly. "What's wrong?"

She sighed. "There's no easy way to say this," she started. "I have cancer."

She threw him the ball back but he stood there, stunned, and let it hit his chest and drop to the floor.

"You have…" he stared, dumbfounded, short little gasps of breath escaping his lips as he tried to compose his thoughts into words. Unfortunately for him, all he could say was,
"What?"

Lucy raked a hand through her hair. "I, um, I was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago, and ever year since then I have to go back to the doctor's for a check up to see if I'm still in remission." she shrugged. "Guess remission ended this year because it's back."

Kendall just stared at her, eyes wide, jaw dropped. "How- how are you so calm?" he finally stuttered out. "You- you could… I don't understand." he shook his head. "You can't have cancer, you're… Lucy! You can't be sick, you're- you're perfect!"

She smiled sadly at him. "Kendall, I came to terms with the fact that I could die a long time ago. But don't worry about it; I beat cancer once, I can bear it again."

"How do you know?" he whispered. "How… Lucy, you can't…I love…" he couldn't finish a single sentence, but she seemed to understand what he was trying to say because she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his torso, hugging him tightly. His arms were shaky as he hugged her back, holding her tightly.

She tilted her head back, looking up at him. "Don't worry, Donald." she told him. "I'll be okay."

But a part of him was reminding him of the strong possibility that she might not be okay. And he was scared- terrified even. He didn't spend almost a year of his life trying to win her over, and he sure as hell he wasn't about to lose her now…

I said, "Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing? I made you a present with paper and string. Open with care now, I'm asking you, please. You know that I love you, will you marry me?"

She said, "Boy can I tell you, a terrible thing? It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks. Please, don't be sad now, I really believe you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me..."

Lucy was wrong. She wasn't going to be okay and Kendall knew it. Everyday she looked sicker and sicker; her face was pale even with makeup and she was just generally weaker, he could see it in the way she walked and moved and even played guitar. After a couple of months, it got to the point where she would barely even leave the apartment anymore, but Kendall was dedicated to spend as much time with her as possible.

Every single day, he want to her apartment just to hang out with her. Sometimes he would bring his guitar and play for her, sometimes he would just watch her sleep, sometimes he would convince her to get out of bed long enough for the two of them to go out. But above all, he just tried to forget how sick she was. He didn't want to think of how one day he could lose her, he just wanted to hold on to her now and forever.

Another year had passed and while the two weren't dating, it was clear that Kendall and Lucy both liked each other. Nobody understood why after two years of flirting, holding hands, secret make-outs, and spending almost every single day together why they weren't an official couple, but Lucy understood why Kendall hadn't asked her to be his girlfriend, and Kendall understood why Lucy never wanted to be in a relationship. Neither were truly pleased with it, but they accepted it.

Or at least they tried to.

It was never easy to accept it, but as long as Lucy was reassuring him that she would be okay, Kendall tried not to think about it. But he knew that everyday for her was a battle and she was losing it more and more. They both knew that, they just didn't have the heart to say it out loud.

But one day… one day it all just went downhill and they had no choice but to acknowledge it whether they wanted to or not.

Kendall didn't see it coming whatsoever- the day the cancer was starting to win the battle, that is. He was just going over to her apartment as usual and then he saw it. She was being taken out on a stretcher, an oxygen mask on her face, eyes barely open. Her mom and dad were there, and her mom wouldn't stop crying. The paramedics were yelling out things that he didn't understand, but knew they couldn't be good. All he could do was stand there in shock as he watched the girl he loved be taken to the hospital.

'And she said she was fine,' he just scoffed in his mind and at that moment, he knew he had to stop standing around and see her. He just needed to see her.

He was tired for paying for things unspoken.

When he made it to the hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Stone explained to him that Lucy was, in fact, getting sicker and at this point, there wasn't much for them to do other than hope and pray.

Kendall didn't like hearing that; he wanted to hear that she was going to get to leave the hospital tomorrow and be okay again. But he couldn't kid himself any longer, and Lucy wasn't going to last much longer.

"You can see her if you'd like." Mrs. Stone told him. "She knows you saw her at the Palm Woods, I'm sure she would love to see you too."

Kendall swallowed thickly. "Okay." he whispered. They told him Lucy's room number and as he walked down the long hallway to her room, it felt like his feet were filled his lead. Every step was harder and harder to take, and it must've taken him twice as long to make it down the hall than it should have. But when he made it down there, he swallowed his fear and pushed open the door.

She had tubes up her nose and an IV in her arm, as well as a plethora of other needles coming from God knows where. She looked awful. She looked like a cancer patient. "Sup Donald." her voice was soft and weak, as if she had just woken up.

"You said you were fine." he said. He didn't come here to shoot the breeze or make mindless conversation like they had been for the past year. Today, he was going to say what he needed to say.

"I know." she sighed.

"You lied." he said, and suddenly everything started coming out like word vomit. "You said you were fine, and you're not- you lied to me!"

"Kendall-"

"You told me that you were going to beat the cancer again, but clearly the cancer is kicking your ass!" he continued, and tears started to well up in his eyes. Tears of rage, tears of hurt, tears of betrayal because she lied to him- but he wouldn't let them fall. he couldn't. "You- you said-"

"Kendall, I know what I said." Lucy cut in. "And I didn't mean to lie to you- I really did think I was going to be okay. But then I started feeling worse and worse everyday and I didn't want to tell you-"

"You're my best friend!" he exclaimed. "You're supposed to tell me stuff like this Lucy!"

"I didn't want you to worry about me!" she insisted. "You have enough going on in your life, I didn't want to burden you."

Kendall chuckled humorlessly. "You just don't get it do you?" he asked. "You are my life." it was so silent in the room, you could literally hear a pin drop. Kendall couldn't believe he just blurted that out, and Lucy couldn't believe what he had said. He locked eyes with her and saw those big brown eyes filling up with tears. "I love you, Lucy." Kendall whispered to her, and that's when the tears started. This was the first time he ever said it to her, and he knew it would be the last. He just knew it.

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out, so she tried again, swallowing thickly and whispering back, "I love you too."

He walked over to her bed and she moved over, laying back down and he laid down next to her. Rolling over to lay on his side so he was facing her, he whispered, "Lucy," Kendall swallowed the lump in his throat, and pinched his eyes shut, feeling tears streaming down his face. "W… will you marry me?"

Lucy was silent for a moment, and Kendall just listened to her breathing. Her chest rose and fell almost unevenly as she struggled to keep her breaths steady. It was almost like she wasn't getting enough oxygen anymore… like she was running out of it. "Of course I'll marry you, Kendall." she whispered.

Kendall smiled sadly and placed a kiss on her forehead, then took her hands in his, lacing their fingers together. He didn't say anything else; he just wanted to hang onto that conversation for as long as he could…

I left a dozen roses on your grave today; I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away. I just came to talk for a while, I got some things I need to say

They said it'd bring some closure to say your name. I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance, but all I got are these roses to give and they can't help me make amends

"She died in her sleep that night." Kendall finished the story. "Her funeral was a few days after that, and I got the tattoo a couple of weeks later." he sighed heavily, sitting back down on his bed, not meeting Jo's eyes. He couldn't tell if she was mad or upset or what, he was lost in memories of Lucy and he could feel his heart breaking all over again.

"So," she finally said, her voice cracking a little. "Why me? Why… why did you want to see me again after you just lost the girl you loved?"

Kendall took a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair. "I…" he stopped himself. There was no way he could say this without sounding like a dick.

"Kendall, just tell me." Jo insisted.

The blonde boy took a deep breath again. "I saw you because I couldn't stand not being able to go a day without thinking about her." he said softly. "I know that makes me a douche bag, and I'm so sorry for it but… I loved her, and I lost her, and nothing hurts more than that." he paused for a moment, trying to gather this thoughts. "I thought if I saw you and I… was with you, then I'd be able to forget her easier."

"Kendall, that's stupid." Jo sighed. "Not because you pretty much used me, but because you thought you could forget your first love."

"I have to forget her." Kendall insisted. "It… it just hurts to remember her. Every damn day I just keep replaying our last day together in my mind, the way I held her, the way we cried, when…" Kendall swallowed thickly. "When she said she'd marry me." he whispered.

Jo sat up and rubbed a comforting hand across his shoulders. "Look," she started, and he turned his head to look at her. "I know it hurts that she's gone, but trying to forget about her is wrong, especially the way you went about it."

Kendall groaned softly. "I'm so, so sorry Jo." he apologized. "I never intended on it being like this but-"

"It's okay, I understand now." she said softly, then reached for her discarded clothing, starting to get dressed. "Kendall, you're going to keep on hurting until you learn to accept Lucy's death-"

"But I can't!" he insisted. "I just can't, okay? Every friggin' day I wake up, for a brief second- one damn, brief second- I think she's alive, and that we're really engaged, and that we're going to get married. And then I remember that none of that is true and it kills me! I can't accept that she's gone because I don't want her to be gone! I'm still in love with her!"

"And it's okay that you're still in love with her Kendall," Jo said patiently. "But you can't you life like this anymore! Lucy wouldn't want you to." Kendall was silent, hanging his head to stare at his twitching hands in his lap. Jo was right, but he was being too stubborn to admit it. He also didn't know how to ask for help. She walked over to him and placed a kiss on his cheek. "If you need to talk to me, you have my number." she told him. "But I recommend talking to Lucy first." and with that, she left Kendall to ponder over what she just said, and hopefully make the right decision.

A few hours later, Kendall was at Lucy's grave, a bouquet of her favorite roses in his hand. He stared at the headstone that read her name and felt an all too familiar lump rise to his throat. He swallowed it down. "Hey, Lucy." he whispered.

Truthfully, he didn't know why he had came here- he didn't know what to say to her. He brushed the leaves away from her headstone and placed the roses down, and just sat there. He was speechless for a long time, just letting the wind blow against his face, brushing his hair back. It reminded him the way her hair looked when the wind blew, like she was a model on the runway. Her beauty, physical and her beautiful personality, would be with him forever. Kendall didn't know if that was a good thing or not, but he knew that he would always have her memory no matter what.

He continued to sit there, just thinking, and as they always did, his thoughts drifted to her. He thought about her, thought about being with her again in Heaven, thought about when he was with her when she was alive. He thought of the two of them walking hand in hand, he thought of how he believed they were never going to end, he thought of the day where he would be able to hold her in his arms again. But most of all, he thought about the last time he spoke to her, the very last conversation they had.

"Lucy," Kendall swallowed the lump in his throat, and pinched his eyes shut, feeling tears streaming down his face. "W… will you marry me?" Lucy was silent for a moment, and Kendall just listened to her breathing. Her chest rose and fell almost unevenly as she struggled to keep her breaths steady. It was almost like she wasn't getting enough oxygen anymore… like she was running out of it. "Of course I'll marry you, Kendall." she whispered.

Wordlessly, Kendall pulled the ring out of his pocket, the ring he planned on giving to her before she died, and just stared at it for a moment. He spoke softly and slowly, as if he was sharing a secret with her that no one else could hear. "You would have made a great Mrs. Knight." and without another word, he placed the ring on top of the small patch of dirt before her grave. Now that it was finally out of his pocket, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of his chest and for the first time in months, it was a little easier for him to breathe.