Disclaimer: Marvel stuff belongs to Marvel.

Pairing: Steve/Tony + Cockblocking Peter

Note: Saw a prompt somewhere. Can't find it, but still is a fill. Sorta.

Warning: Retardation, awkwardness, vulgarity and Peter having a serious Oedipus complex. Implied softcore incest? Oh, and grammar mistakes.

Thank God for the Mary Janes

It started out really simply; little things that Steve picked up as they went by and, once he assembled them after a while, found their meaning. The first little thing he noticed was this one.

''Hey Steve, have you seen dad?'' Steve blinked, wondering for a second if his super soldier-ear had heard right. Of course it had. For a second there, Steve actually entertained the thought of not being the Steve addressed to. After all, since as early as Peter could talk, he had always called him dad too or pops or some other synonym. The sudden change was unexpected, but not wholly unsurprising. Peter was already seventeen after all, and maybe he thought these names were too childish or something... it was odd that the rule apparently hadn't applied to Tony.

''Steve?'' Peter repeated, looking at him with half-teasing, half-expecting brow.

''Oh, uh, right.'' Steve cleared his throat. Maybe he was over-analyzing things. Again. ''He isn't in his workshop?'' He asked skeptically. Tony was always in the workshop.

''Nope.''

''Well, in then case I-''

''Excuse me, sirs.'' A familiar, British accented voice interrupted. ''I mean no disrespect of course, but do I really need to remind you that there is a very omnipotent AI in the house? I do not mean to impose, but I am fairly certain I can be of use here.'' Peter snorted.

''Yeah, well, maybe we'd like to pretend we don't like in creeper, voyeur AI land for once.''

''Your delusions hurt my circuits, young Spider-Man.''

''Seriously, why did dad make his AI so snarky? And posh? And did he actually mean feelings by circuits?-''

''-Mister Stark,'' Jarvis interrupted again, ''is sleeping in his room.''

That statement earned both superheroes a surprised look.

''He must have overworked himself a whole lot to actually submit to his fatigue.'' Steve chuckled.

''Yeah.'' Peter grinned. ''But man,'' he groaned, ''I don't want to wake him up, but I'd like to have his take on an essay I'm writing for my physics class... and it's due tomorrow.'' He sighed.

''How about you let me read it, then?'' Steve suggested kindly. ''I might not be as good as our Tony, but I'm sure I could offer some input.'' The only bad thing about having Tony Extraordinaire Stark as your husband meant that people often forgot that Captain America was more than just muscles. He was quite bright if he dared say so himself.

The second little change that Steve noticed in Peter's behaviour came right in the next moment.

''Well... I mean, thanks but...'' Peter fumbled with his words, clearly having no real reason to decline. He looked to the side, hesitant, before finally saying the truth. ''I want it to be dad, so...'' Steve rose a sharp blond brow at that. Well, he thought to himself as he observed Peter looking nervously at his feet, at least he looks a little guilty about it.

''It's fine. I know he's the best reference you could wish for.'' And it was true, he really couldn't blame Peter for wanting Tony's opinion on that over his. Peter smiled at that. Then, as if guilt had finally taken the better of him, he said:

''But I've also got this History assignment due next week... think you could share some things?'' Steve patted Peter's shoulder, smiling.

''Of course, son. I'd love to.''

OoOoO

Not much longer after that, the signs started to grow and get more obvious. Well, they were pretty obvious to Steve at least... Tony was just... being Tony.

''Okaaay. Since I'm the handsomest here, I get to pick tonight's movie.'' Tony said as he looked through their digital repertoire of movies.

''Hey, who said you were the handsomest, huh?'' Steve joked. Tony turned to him, then to the side, feigning innocence, then back to him, smiling.

''Huh, I think you did, honey.'' He winked then turned back to the screen. Steve blinked his eyes. Damn.

''Ok, you win this round.''

''So what are we watching?'' Peter asked as he entered the spacious living room with a huge bowl of pop corn in his hands.

''Invasion of the Body Snatchers.'' Tony said, sitting down on the chesterfield beside Steve. ''And we are going to laugh at the bad science and special effects.'' Steve groaned. Peter cheered.

Steve was about to wrap his arm around Tony's shoulder when Peter suddenly -and very reduly, if you asked Steve- sat himself between him and his husband. Steve blinked once, twice, completely taken aback. Seriously? Did Peter just seriously did that? He withdrew his arm and threw his son a confused look. But he did not meet his eyes; his were glued on Tony.

''Lots of butter, lots of salt, just like you like it.'' He told Tony. The latter shoved a handful of pop corn into his mouth.

''Awefom.'' He said, crumbs falling disgracefully from his mouth. He started the movie, seemingly completely oblivious to the awkwardness between his son and husband.

OoOoO

Steve was starting to really get an idea of what was going on. He also found the culprit: Tony. Really, Tony's behaviour with Peter could do nothing but encourage Peter's own actions. The thing was, Tony was the most dotting, mother hen father to have ever walked the earth (and other dimensions and stuff). Which had sorta and not so sorta came as a surprise. He could still remember crystal clear the man's first reaction to his idea of adopting a kid.

''Really, Cap? You got us married, you want us to get a kid... what's it gonna be next, huh? A pension plan for our old days?'' He snorted loudly at that.

Steve looked perfectly unimpressed.

''Hey, don't look at me like that. You know SHIELD's got our incontinence money covered -even if we certainly don't need it what with my ridiculous fortune and your, like, century-old savings account-''

''-Tony,-''

''Plus, aren't we supposed to get a dog before a getting a kid? Isn't that written somewhe-''

''Tony, shut up.''

Tony sealed his lips instantly, looking hesitantly at Steve, afraid he might have offended him. Steve looked at him for a moment and, seeing the other biting his lips nervously, sighed rather loudly.

''Was that a fond-ish sorta sigh or an exasperated sorta sigh? It's hard to tell.'' Steve sighed again as he pulled him against his chest and held him tightly in his arms before landing a kiss on his wild dark hair. ''Uh.'' Tony breathed out, not expecting the sudden gesture.

''Both.'' Steve replied at last, chuckling a bit. ''Tony, you'd think that after spending so much time together you'd stop trying to hide your fears from me.'' Tony perked up sharply and threw him a disbelieving and -he had to admit- embarrassed look.

''I'm not- I don't- Fears? What?'' Steve looked amused.

''And to stop trying to deny it.''

''Hey! How-''

''It's true, Tony.'' Steve cut him before the eccentric billionaire went for another of his rents. ''You're scared.''

''I'm not scared of kids.'' Tony looked away, frowning. Steve cupped his cheek and force their eyes to meet again.

''You're scared of not being a good father. Of doing the same mistakes that your father did with you.'' Tony frowned at him for a long time before sighing, finally giving up.

''Not just that.'' He started, straightening himself on the couch and pulling himself out of Steve's embrace as he did so – much to the latter man's disappointment. ''I've been sober for years now... what if I fall back and the kid's there, seeing dad all trashed and pathetic...'' Steve wanted to say something back, tell him that he'd been doing perfect and that he'd be there to support him no matter what, but he didn't let him. He continued, ''And we're superheroes, Steve. What if one of us dies? Or worse, both of us and leave the kid alone? And think of the kind of life the kid will have... it won't be very... you know... normal.'' Steve reclaimed his hold on his husband and kissed him softly on the lips. The other smiled, melting the exact way he always had even before their wedding.

''You think I haven't thought about all this? I still think that we can do this, Tony. And, well, it's not like we haven't died before, right?'' Tony chuckled at that. ''I think we'll do good. Plenty of other superheroes have children. And they're okay, Tony. More than okay. They're proud of their parents. They carry their legacy, and sure, they got them worried a lot, but they also help them get through rough times.'' He stopped at the little teasing smirk he had been receiving from Tony. He gave him a questioning look.

''I just love it when you go all corny speechy on me.'' Steve huffed.

''All I'm trying to say,'' Steve continued, giving the other a warning look. ''is that I think we deserve that happiness to and that I think we'll be good parents. Ad by we I really include you, Tony.''

Tony tried not to think about the heat that was rising in his cheek at that statement and to think of something to say, think of good arguments to convince his husband that this really wasn't a good idea, that he was bound to screw up at some point. But he couldn't. Because say what he might, if it was with Steve, he kinda really wanted a kid too. He looked away for a bit, gathering his resolved and looked back at Steve, going for a long, deep kiss.

''Ok, you win.'' He said. Steve smiled.

Before they knew it, they had signed the papers and Steve knew as he was the look in Tony's eyes, holding their eight months old Peter, that he had been right. Tony would make a great father.

Perhaps a little too great, which brought us back to the what Steve thought was the origin of Peter's little daddy issues.

Ok, big daddy issues.

From the moment they had agreed to adopt a son, Steve saw through Tony's emotional investment that he would be a very attentive and affectionate father. In the months it had taken to get everything (paper work, some mild renovations in the house, etc) ready, Tony had spent an incredible amount of time reading about different theories about the perfect upbringing of a child, about child psychology, child brain development... and the list went on. Steve found it very endearing, and he often immersed himself in some of Tony's recommended reading. A lot of it seemed to be simple common sense, but knowing Tony, who was very... unique and special, perhaps this wasn't all a bad thing.

Tony was also ridiculously rich (and so was he, technically, being Tony's husband, but it really didn't feel the same) which meant he was going to spoil their only son rotten.

Tony dotted on him. A lot. He liked to take care of Peter when he was crying at night, you know, since Tony didn't sleep much anyways. He liked to feed Peter, liked to give him his baths, liked to play around with him and give him all the attention in the world. At first, Steve let Tony do most of it. He figured that Tony needed this, needed to prove to himself that he could be different from his own father. It was also completely out of the question to have someone else babysit Peter when the world needed to be saved. So unless the Iron Man's presence was unquestionably required, Tony also Stayed home with Peter. And when babysitting was in order, he couldn't really trust someone other than Pepper, Peter's godmother, to do it.

But once you entered such a routine -one which was so important to Tony- it was hard to break out of it. It's not like Tony kept him from having his bonding time with his son. A lot of the parenting, their did together; even if Tony was doing the actual task of feeding Peter, Steve was still there, fooling around and doing the silly plane, or train trick. Still, it all summed up to this; Tony was Peter's universe.

And it stayed that way even as Peter slowly (or too rapidly, as Tony would say) grew into his teenage years. Which was when things started to get really awkward.

Tony -who had Jarvis' constant assistance (more like surveillance) when near a kitchen- insisted on making Peter's lunch himself for school, insisted on driving their boy to the Tomorrow Academy... He also thought it necessary to leave a little note everyday in Peter's lunch with all sorts of stupid jokes ending with either a 'you show them who's boss, son!' or a 'Love you lots!' or both...

The most surprising fact in all this was that since Peter seemed to feed on Tony's overwhelming love, he didn't seem to mind it at all. Steve had expected all kinds of protests on Peter's part, since it -as he understood- wasn't normally all that cool for a teenager to have a mother-hen-dad like that. But no. Peter loved it. Loved to hug Tony and to give him pecks on the cheeks; and of course, so did Tony. It was like every kiss and every hug was a reassurance, a proof that yes, he was a good father; look at how his son was happy an how much he loved him.

And since Steve had started to notice some changes in Peter's behaviour, he had also notice that those kisses and hugs that Peter was giving his husband were starting to get more and more intimate, to last longer, to be more frequent.

And that was just really freakin' awkward.

OoOoO

The awkwardest moment of all, Steve would always remember because it was the day that had followed his and Tony's twenty first marriage anniversary. They had spent a wonderful, very romantic evening, and when Steve had come out of the shower that night, Tony had just been there, in their bed, very, very naked, all firm ass and spread tanned thighs waiting for him. Tony had been stretching himself lewdly with his fingers and was moaning like a b-

Focus, Steve, focus.

Well, Steve hadn't felt aroused like that in a while, and sex had gotten a little (a lot) more sporadic ever since Peter had come along, so needless to say that Steve had given Tony one hell of a ride. Or two or four.

So the next morning, he had let Tony sleep and had decided to take care of Peter's breakfast for him.

Peter had been surprised but hadn't said much. Which proved that their room's sound proof walls were a lot more efficient than Steve had suspected.

The morning went on smoothly at first until Tony finally graced them with their presence.

''Good morning dad.'' Peter had said as Tony advanced toward the breakfast counter. Tony returned the greeting, kissed Steve's temple then went for the seat beside him. He slowly, carefully sat down, then let out a little chocked wince when he did.

That caught Peter's attention.

''You alright, dad?''

''Yeah yeah, no worries.'' Tony chuckled, then looked at Steve smugly. ''Your father just went a little overboard last night.'' Steve's face heated up in response.

''What?'' Peter said, a little confused. ''What do you-... oh god. Oh god.'' Peter's face had gone white as the marble of the counter. ''You mean... I mean...'' He looked between Tony and Steve, words failing. Tony rose a curious brow.

''Parents generally do have a sex life, Peter, despite what you children think.'' He smirked.

''No!'' Peter exclaimed, surprising both older man. ''I mean...'' He looked pointedly at Steve, looking perfectly put out. ''You can't do that to dad.''

''...Excuse me?'' Steve was completely at loss.

''You can't... you know! It's...'' He fumbled, looking for something to say. ''Doesn't it have, like... damage it or... something.'' Now both Steve's and Peter's face were red.

''Excuse me?'' Steve said again, unable to say anything else. Was he dreaming this? Was his son actually forbidding him from fucking his husband?

''Okaaayy...'' Tony said, confused and slightly amused as well. Of course Tony would be amused by the whole thing. ''I'm gonna ignore the fact that you are actually melding with our 'private affairs''' Tony started, laughing at his favourite boys' embarrassment. ''and reassure you, Peter, by telling you that we know very well the consequences and are taking our responsibilities. And since you seem to be so curious about it,'' At this point, Peter was looking at Tony with perfect horror on his features. ''I will also inform you, for your own benefit, I suppose, that we actually rarely do anal-''

''Tony!'' Steve cried out. He might not be as prude as others generally seem to assume, but he really didn't feel the need to go into such details with other... especially their own son.

''-for that reason. Your father's actually really fond of blow jobs so I usually go for that to get him off. Then he-''

''-Okay! Okay! Stop it!'' Peter cried out, panicked. Tony smirked. ''I'm going out.'' Peter informed abruptly before exiting the room. Within the minute, Steve and Tony could here the door closing rather loudly.

''That went well for The Talk, I think.'' Tony mused, taking a sip from Steve's coffee.

Steve sighed heavily.

OoOoO

It was precisely from that moment onward that Steve noticed that Peter was now treating him as a rival, and Peter officially became, Steve decided, a True Stealth Ninja of Unmatched Cockblocking Prowess. If Steve had been slightly annoyed at Peter's attitude lately, now he was just plain pissed off. Every time he wanted to sneak a squeeze on Tony's ass, or capture his lips or even just tell him he loved him in those rare, quiet moments of tender, married solicitude, Peter popped in and spoiled the moment. In fact, his interruptions were so timely (or untimely, depending on how you saw things) that Steve wondered if seeing him as a rival didn't activate Peter's spider senses every time he tried to get it on with Tony. It seemed to be the most logical explanation.

Peter even managed to find all sorts of reasons to disturb them at night -those fairly rare nights Tony actually bothered to sleep- to -Steve suspected- make sure they weren't having sex. Which, Steve thought smugly to himself, was totally pointless because they usually had their fun times when Peter was absent for school. Sleep time was mostly for sleep; because that is one of the thing that bothered Steve the most in this whole thing. Tony rarely slept, he needed that sleep, and so he really didn't want Peter to disturb him when he did.

So after the third time it happened, Steve figured he should probably do something about it.

''Son, are you busy?'' He asked, knocking on his son's bedroom's door.

''Nope, you can come in.'' Steve entered Peter's very messy room and saw the boy (apparently) doing some assignment or other on his computer.

''Such a responsible student you are.'' Steve said somewhat teasingly, sitting on his son's disordered bed. Only god knew what Peter had really been doing. And Jarvis. Both were close enough anyways.

''I know, right?'' Peter replied with the same tone, turning on his chair to face him. Steve allowed himself to smile at that, before adopting a serious expression.

''Peter, I think there's something we need to clear up.'' Peter blinked, suddenly looking suspicious. He didn't seem to be surprised though, just apprehensive. Peter probably knew what was coming, Steve thought. ''The way you've been acting towards Tony is-''

''-is fucked up I know.'' Peter groaned loudly, burring his face in his hands.

''No, Peter it's wron-wait, what?''

''But I can't help it!'' Peter cried out frustratedly. Steve stared.

''So... you're not going to deny it?'' Peter shrugged.

''I haven't been exactly subtle about it.''

''Tell me about that. But God, Tony doesn't seem to notice at all!''

''I knoooww.'' Peter groaned. ''It's part what I like so much...''

''I know, me too- hey. Wait a minute-''

''-Man, he's so cute. And hot. I just want to hold him and-''

''Wowowohohooo. Wow.'' Steve interrupted loudly, frowning. ''You will not speak of your father in this way, you hear me? It's highly inappropriate.'' He warned. ''Or think of him this way.'' He added for good measures.

''It's not like he's my real father.'' Said Peter for his defence. Steve's frown deepened.

''Peter Stark-Rogers.'' Steve said warningly. Peter's eyes opened wide, slightly panicked.

''Hey! I meant no disrespect. You know what I meant! He's not my biological father, so-''

''So nothing, Peter. He's your father and it ends right there.'' Steve said sharply. ''And he's married to me.'' He added quickly. Peter smirked at that.

''Ohhhh... I see now... I see the light.'' Steve frowned.

''What do you mean?''

''Well, obviously you're jealous.'' Steve stared, absolutely dumbfounded. Then he laughed. Very loudly. For a very long time.

When he was done, Peter was pouting, and he had to stop himself from laughing again.

''Sorry Peter, but...'' He stopped to chuckle and wipe a little tear from the corner of his eye. ''Me? Jealous of you? I don't mean to insult, but I don't feel threatened in the least.'' Peter facepalmed.

''I didn't mean... Of course Tony won't leave you for me, but we both know how he is with me. You're probably just frustrated because you don't get as much attention from him anymore.'' Peter said nonchalantly, fumbling with a dirty sock on the floor with his feet.

''Thanks to you.'' Steve sulked. Peter smirked. Steve sighed, then spoke up again after a short silence. ''So you're aware of your action, you know they're wrong, and now you'll stop cockblocking us.'' Steve summed up quickly, already standing up from the bed.

''Nope.'' Steve stared, then let himself fall back on the bed.

''...Why?'' He sounded way more desperate than he had planned to.

''Because...'' Peter started, struggling to find his words. ''Because I don't like it, ok? I don't like you being too close to Tony. It's like...'' He searched again. ''It's like you're a threat to him!'' It was Steve's turn to groan. He had probably been right about the spider senses thing.

''You can't be serious...''

''Just... Can you keep off Tony for a while? You know, until this... phase or whatever this shit is fades off? 'Cause I really can't stand it.''

''No!'' Steve cried out. ''For God's sake, Peter, I wont-'' He sighed frustratedly and got up again. ''You really need to deal with this soon, son. I'm not going to let our family get all messed up because of this.'' With that, he left the room. He hoped this would get Peter thinking.

OoOoO

That conversation with Peter had really gotten him fired up. He didn't know what was getting into him exactly, but his guts were telling him to find Tony as quickly as possible. Fortunately, Tony wasn't very hard to find; he was, as Steve suspected, his his workshop, apparently working some modifications on his armour.

It was when Steve actually saw Tony in front of him that he realized what was happening.

''Hey Steve, look at what I did here.'' Tony said enthusiastically when he saw his husband coming in. ''I reprogrammed the Iron Man's applications for-mphffmm.'' Tony didn't get to finish his sentence as he was roughly pinned against the nearest wall and kissed to oblivion.

Ok. So Steve had honest-to-God just planned on making out with Tony, but then his damn mouth had to open itself and let out a 'I want you to suck me off', and before he could take those words back, Tony was on his knees, mouthing his erection through his pants and, well, who was he to refuse that? So he sort of inadvertently fucked Tony's mouth and sort of came on his face, but as he said, it was just all an accident.

Now he was on siting on the floor, panting and recovering from one of the best blow jobs of his life, so he now he was really planning on telling Tony about the conversation he just had with their son, but then Tony started jerking himself right in front of him and watching just seemed like the polite thing to do. Huh, as in, let Tony come too, he meant. Yeah. The polite thing to do. He'd keep telling himself that.

''S-Steve... ng-'' Tony came all over himself and, wow, Steve was kind of hard again now.

''Huh... so, hm... well...'' Steve mumbled unintelligibly, unable to take his eyes of Tony's slowly softening cock.

''Steve.'' Tony called out, instantly earning his husband's attention. ''Not that I don't like the spontaneous rough sex, because, fuck, you know I fucking love it, but it also isn't like you. What's going on?'' Steve took forever to register that and focus enough to answer. Damn, he had been missing that a lot more than he has suspected.

''I had a talk. With Peter.'' He informed simply, still a little out of it.

''And what did you two talk about to get you so horny? Because I really want to know.'' He sounded so smug and all knowing about it. It really annoyed him. But that naturally tanned cock was still keeping him partly inept.

''You.'' God he really wanted to kiss that smirk. ''God I really want to kiss that smirk.'' He also wanted to punch himself in the face very hard.

''All in good times, honey.'' Tony said smugly. ''How about you tell that smirk what happened first.'' Steve took a deep breath and forced himself to look at Tony in the eyes.

''I think you should...'' He tried to word this carefully; Tony was always delicate to deal with when it came to Peter. ''Leave Peter some space?'' Ok, not his best shot.

''What?'' Tony rose a sceptical brow, looking slightly offended.

''No-I meant...'' He sighed. ''He has a crush on you.'' Not his second-best shot either.

He had expected Tony to throw a tantrum, to laugh at him, to call him crazy... but nothing came. He actually looked... wow. Was that guilt on Tony Stark's face?

''Yeah... I sort of noticed.'' Tony admitted.

''Really?'' Steve asked, genuinely surprised. ''I thought you were completely blond to it.''

''Well, I was.'' He replied sheepishly. ''Until yesterday when he sorta pinched my ass.''

''He what?''

''Hey, it's okay, don't panic-''

''How is this okay? How can I not panic when my son's pinching my husband's ass!''

''I'm telling you, it's okay, Steve.'' Tony said, rubbing his panicked husband's arm gently. ''I'm gonna try to let some distance between us, okay? Until Peter's over this.''

Steve calmed down at that. He managed a smile and leaned down to kiss Tony's lips tenderly. He reluctantly broke the kiss after a while stroked Tony's cheek with the back of his hand.

''Does that mean we can continue now?'' Steve said hopefully.

''Why are you even asking?'' Tony grinned. Steve returned it in earnest before capturing Tony's lips with his own once more. He gently pushed Tony down on the floor, though took less precautions to get rid of his briefs and trousers. He quickly pulled down his own pants down to his knees before settling himself between Tony's soft thighs. He slowly started trusting his erection against Tony's own hardening cock, earning a small whimper from the man underneath him.

''Perfect. God. Been missing this.'' Steve said, kissing and biting Tony's neck.

''Me too, fuck, me too!'' Tony squirmed, wrapping his legs tightly around Steve's waist.

''Mister Stark,'' Jarvis suddenly interrupted. ''Peter requires your assistance for-'' Steve groaned loudly.

''Not now, Jarvis.'' Tony said, much to Steve's surprise/delight. ''Tell him I'll be there when I finish business in the workshop.''

Steve grinned down at Tony.

''Business, huh?'' He said, then went for another kiss.

OoOoO

Apparently, it took a lot more effort from Tony to let go of Peter than Steve had hoped for. Al it took was for Peter to pull off his puppy eyes look to have Tony all over him.

Steve was annoyed and losing patience. But mostly, he was losing hope. And when Captain America was losing hope, it meant things were really shitty. As in, Doctor Doom and Kang the Conqueror somehow learned the Fusion Dance kind of shitty.

Nothing much had changed despite Tony's efforts, but then, just as Steve thought things would stay that way forever (he was that depressed... or that sexually frustrated, depending on if you were in denial or not), Peter started to be less and less clingy.

Which was great news for his and Tony's sex life.

Neither were able to explain the sudden change, but they hadn't bothered asking questions. Peter had probably just fallen out of his slightly (very) belated Oedipus phase.

And then, one day, it all became clear.

''Hm, dad?'' Peter asked Tony somewhat shyly as the latter looked at the stock market on his StarkPad. Which, by the way, was a hundred times better performing than that apple shit.

''Yes, sweetie.'' Tony replied, not taking his eyes off the pad. ''Ha! I gained another two percent today. All hail to me! Fuck you Zuckerberg.''

''That's great dad, um... but um... how do you know if a girl likes you?'' Tony's eyes shot wide open in his direction. Steve almost spit his coffee through his nose from surprise.

''You just asked the right person, son because-''

''Or maybe not, Tony.'' Steve cut in and turned to Peter. ''You might want some tips from someone a little more gallant and less... less Tony.''

''Hey.'' Tony snapped. ''Don't listen to your father, Peter. If you want to get laid, you want to ask me, not Mister Fondue here-''

''-Oh come on, Tony, who was the more entrepreneur of us two when we started dating?''

''That totally doesn't count.'' Tony retorted childishly.

''Oh yes, it does, it matters most because it was when it came to the most important person that you started having issues.'' He turned back to Peter. ''So if that girl's important to you, son, you want to ask me, because Tony doesn't know how to manage feelings.''

''Who could blame me? You're fucking Captain America! And who was I back then, huh? I was an incurable alcoholic, chronic womanizer with the worst self-worth you'll ever see – hell, I didn't even have self-worth.'' Steve turned to Tony again.

''It's not my fault you kept refusing my dates. And when you finally accepted after being sober and everything you still wouldn't let me touch you after what... six months? Guys my age didn't even last that long back in the 40's.''

''True that.'' Tony snorted. ''Who would have thought our good, righteous, clean Captain America was such a-''

''Stop it right there, Tony Stark. Don't try making people believe you waited for my sake because you can't admit you had issues. And be careful how you call me in front of our son-... Peter?''

Both stared at the empty seat at the counter, where the Amazing Spider-Man had been.

OoOoO

Peter never asked for advice from his parents ever again. He did, however, after a couple of weeks, bring a young red-haired gal home. Said gal went by the name of Mary Jane Watson.

Steve sent her a bouquet of Canterbury Bells with the note:

Thank you for saving our marriage. Please keep our son forever.

Love,

Steve.

AN: Hope you guys enjoyed.