"Wow wait what the actuAL FUCK IS GOING ON OMFG," Matthew screeched to himself as he walked back into the bar. He'd only left for a mere five minutes to get some fresh air and now he was returning to a whole bunch of sloppy make-outs and Ivan in a fairy outfit. Peter stood next to Ivan, laughing at the scene that was playing out before him, which was pretty much Francis and Iggy Butt having the sloppiest make-outs and Alfred trying to scale the shelves of alcohol and failing miserably. Everyone else in the bar had their faces drawn on by gold sharpies and were dead. Peter abruptly stifled his laughter when he heard Matthew.

"shit I knew there was something missing goddammit all to butts," Peter said as he glared angrily at Matthew. "quick ivan he knows too much kill him now."

"Da Da MoThEr FuCkEr," Ivan squealed as he flew across the room toward Matthew. He back-flipped out of the way and threw the can of maple syrup soda he had at Ivan and he squeaked as the sticky soda got all over his fairy outfit. "I jUsT gOt ThIs ClEaNeD yOu WhOrE!"

"come on ivan stop fucking around and kill him," Peter shouted, grabbing a nearby bottle of vodka and throwing it at Matthew. It shattered half way across the room because a Nokia boomerang phone had smashed into in. Matthew looked over as the Nokia boomerang phone flew back into the hand of Tino. Antonio stood next to him holding a basket of tomatoes. They were both wearing capes.

"Omfg what the hell?" Matthew said as both Tino and Antonio began attacking Ivan and Peter. Antonio threw his tomatoes at them, and Tino smashed his Nokia boomerang into Peter's head, cracking his skull open.

Alfred walked out the door. No one noticed.

Ivan screeched and flew through the roof and into the freedom of the outside. If he couldn't save Peter, he damn well will avenge him! He let out a sonic screech into the night in order to summon his lover Kiku. He immediately appeared in a flash of light. "Fuck you I was in the middle of reading some really great gay porn yAOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DESU~~~~~~~~~~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!11~~!~!````11!," Kiku said as he flew back into the bar to pick up Francis, Iggy Butt, and the lifeless body of Peter. He dropped Iggy Butt on Alfred's apartment and threw Francis into a dumpster.

"Eyyyy sexy lady how's it hanging?" Antonio asked Matthew.

"fUCKING HELL WHQT JUST HAPPENED I AM LITERALLY SO CONFUSED AM I ON DRUGS," Matthew asked as he lay on the floor.

"HOHOHO LET ME TELL YOU OF OUR ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME," Tino exclaimed at Matthew. "PRETTY MUCH ANTONIO AND I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO PROTECT THE DESCENDANT OF IGGY BUTT EYEBROW MCDESU THE GREAT, IGGY BUTT EYEBROW MCDESU XII. IF HE REPRODUCES AND SOMEONE EATS HIS CHILDREN THEN THEY WILL GAIN THE POWER TO MAKE THEIR OTP CANON. WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. WILL YOU JOIN US IN OUR QUEST?"

"Holy fucking shit you have got to be kidding."

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING, MOTHERFUCKER?"

"Eyyyyy guys yo quiero to beat the shit out of bad guys so are we vamos a ir a la casa de Alfred to find Iggy Butt?" Antonio asked.

"Where did Alfred go?" Matthew asked, suddenly realizing that his brother was no longer in the bar with them. Kami-sama knows what dangers are out there tonight.

"NO GUYS REALLY WE HAVE TO FIND IGGY BUTT? LIKE WHAT IF SOMEONE EATS HIS CHILDREN AND THEY MAKE ERIDANxNEPETA CANON? DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW HORRIBLE THAT WOULD BE OMG," Tino said to the others.

"Chica, nadie even reads Homestuck so shut the fuck up about it ugh fucking Homestucks."

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU LITTLE BITCH?"

~*~Scene cuts to radical old man who is actually Alfred (what how why I don't?) after he gives Alfred the stuff yeah~*~

"Hahaha wow what the fuck is this like a paradox or some shit lol I really want to eAT SOME EYEBROWS RIGHT NOW HAHA ERIDANxNEPETA WILL BE CANON," the radical old man said to himself as he disappeared into the city.

~*~Scene cuts again to in front of Alfred's apartment~*~

"Okay so what are we doing again?" Matthew asked.

"WE ARE GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING BREAK INTO ALFRED'S APARTMENT BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE IGGY BUTT IS AND STOP THEM FROM REPRODUCING," Tino replied, digging his Nokia boomerang into the wall of the apartment and climbing up.

"Excuse me but they are both male how would that even work?"

"MPREG."

Matthew thought about that for a moment as he watched Antonio leap into Alfred's apartment. "Okay cool I guess? I'll just wait out here."

"PUSSY," Tino shouted at him as he climbed into Alfred's apartment. Once he had entered, he had a good long look around him to see that he was surrounded by cakes. "WTF?" He then saw Alfred and Iggy Butt, and then Iggy Butt exploded. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Oye chicas let's vemos Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls," Antonio said as he turned on N~NSG on the TV. "Yes perfect."

So then after they watched N~NSG and sobbed a bit, Antonio and Tino decided that they wanted to polish Alfred's kitchen for whatever fucking stupid reason they had. While doing so, they heard Alfred shout something about bastard love children and then a loud crash from the ceiling. They looked over to see bits of the ceiling falling to the ground and a missing Alfred.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID HE SAY ABOUT CHILDREN OMFG HE FUCKED IGGY BUTT GOD DAMN WE HAVE TO FIND THOSE CHILDREN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE," Tino shouted. He took out some silver sharpies from his pocket and handed one to Antonio. "QUICK WE HAVE TO DRAW DICKS EVERYWHERE."

"¿Por qué?" Antonio asked.

"SCIENCE," Tino replied as he uncapped his silver sharpie and began to draw dicks eVERYWHERE.

"Make sure you remember to put mustaches on them, chica~!"

Matthew decided that if he wanted to get away from this mess, now would be the time. He quick-walked away from the apartment until he got back to his home. When he got there, he went into the kitchen to make himself a nice cup of maple tea, only to see a radical old man eating eyebrow soup with Ivan and Peter standing next to him. Ivan then flew through the ceiling carrying a skateboard.

"Now we can finally make EridanxNepeta canon omg I have been waiting my eNTIRE LIFE FOR THIS soory I'm just really excited," the radical old man said to Peter.

"yeah all those fucktards don't know what they're missing with their karezi and davejohn and communism the real party is erinep yeah boi 420," Peter said.

"…Wtf did you just say?" the radical old man said, death glaring at Peter.

"wut?"

"wHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY YOU LITTLE BITCH OR SHOULD I SAY COMMIE FUCK YOU AND YOUR HORNY ASS GET THE FUCK OUT YOU AND YOU COMMUNISM AREN'T WELCOME HERE," the radical old man screamed. He picked up Peter and threw him into the garbage disposal, flipped the switch to turn it on, and then watched as Peter's body was torn apart. "Team America, fuck yeah."

And then Matthew knew what he had to do. He ran up to the radical old man- his dear, sweet brother- and gave him a tender embrace known only to those of the Tribe of the Moose, and thus breaking the spell put upon him by Ivan and returning him to normal.

"Wow thanks bro let's go have an orgy with everyone."

And then they did.

The End.