End of Recollections

Her high school debut was magnificent.

Kairi had finally blossomed into the beautiful young woman I'd always envisioned. Her brilliant auburn hair trailed effortlessly, finally afforded the length to swim, dive, and splash through the air as if she was underwater. Selphie's arduous make-up lessons had stuck, her lovely features accentuated, highlighted, and emphasized to dazzling depths. The very moment she stepped onto campus, she had put herself on the map. Destiny High was put on notice, and all eyes from freshman to senior year, were aimed squarely at her.

They say a girl is at her prettiest when she's in love. All her changes, all the effort she put in was for the sake of one boy, and his name was Riku. Though her feelings had dulled, it never really disappeared. It was only waiting for an opportunity to flare up again, and now that we were all in the same school, it exploded into a shower of autumn sparkles. It bathed her in that ethereal glow that all boys point to when explaining their indefinable attractions.

"There's just something about her…"

"Just look at her!"

"It was love at first sight…"

I knew it was just a matter of time and patience before my childish visions came to pass. She always had the potential. It just took lots of time, tons of effort, and immeasurable pain to get there. It was inspiring. She showed me that it was possible, that persistence through blood, sweat, and tears would award us with the unattainable. For me, that was my freedom.

I wasn't going to toil away for my caretakers forever. They'd tried to show me that a shackled life was all there was, that the outside world was as cruel as their household, and that they were the best chance I had of surviving. They would've succeeded if it wasn't for Kairi. If I worked like she did, I'd finally be able to see my way out into a world of choice where I can make my own decisions and live life the way I wanted to. One day, I'd make my own rules, and everybody else would be free to follow. I just needed to wait until the end of high school, turn eighteen and become a legally recognized adult, before I could free myself from their clutches.

Until then, I had to endure. I couldn't let them know that deep inside me was the dim light of hope. If they did, they'd do everything in their power to extinguish it. I had to feign misery before their gleeful grins. They fed off my despair and delighted in my desperate, hopeless faces. They wanted me to be "grateful" for all the skills and lessons they beat into me. The carrot or the stick—there was no carrot. It was all stick. Pain. Sharp jabs. Isolation. Deprivation. And the words, so sharp they cut to the bone. It would've been fine if was just me, but they had to bring my parents into it, calling them worthless, stupid idiots and dumbasses, for bringing a shit like me into their world. Never mind the wounds, fresh or healed, that covered my body like a horrible flesh portrait of suffering. The scars my soul bore were the ugliest. But I had to endure. They took everything from me, but my friends were the one thing I would never let them have.

At school, I couldn't let my friends know of my prison at home. They were good people, and if they ever found out, they would try to help me, but their attempts would be in vain. My caretakers were far too clever. If they sniffed out even the smallest hint of happiness in me, they'd pull me from school so fast my neck would snap from the whiplash. Then they'd send me elsewhere, away from all the people I grew to care about—away from Kairi. I couldn't allow that to happen, no matter what. My two lives had to stay separate.

I made Kairi swear, promise, and cross her heart never to let anyone know I had foster parents. I wanted everybody to think I was just a joker with an average home life. She wondered why and I told her that it would be embarrassing if it got out, which seemed to placate her. She was the only one who knew I had foster parents, and that made her feel special, even if she didn't know anything beyond that. Every time she tried to dig a little deeper, I distracted her with something else. I played my roles dutifully: a happy carefree goofball at school, and the miserable, hopeless child at home. As long as they were worlds apart, I could rest easy.

My own high school debut had all the fanfare of a wet fart. I was a nobody, just another guy in a sea of students making their way through life. I had kept to my childish look, spiky mane and all, which had lost its charm ages ago. I looked like a kid who refused to grow up. Selphie often asked me if I would ever get rid of that "tacky" haircut and I'd answer "never." I couldn't tell her the truth, that the only reason my hair was like this was because of my caretakers. They deliberately made me look like a clown so I would never be popular at school.

Kairi and I entered freshman year on completely different levels, she from the top, and I from the bottom, and the forces that be conspired to keep us apart. Everybody wanted to be her friend, and nobody wanted to be mine—more accurately, they couldn't give a shit about me. Just as well, the only person who mattered was Kairi. It wasn't long before Kairi upset the social order and pulled me into her circle through sheer force of will. I would've been content to watch from afar, but she wouldn't have it. They all wondered why I was hanging out with the most promising babe to enter Destiny High in a good decade and I made the answer hilariously obvious: I made her laugh. And when she laughed, the whole goddamned room brightened up like Christmas. As long as I stayed the punch line, my association with her was acceptable.

When she wasn't around, I reverted to my middle school self: alone, quiet, and aloof. Without her to supply me, I didn't stand out, and I didn't have go to obscene lengths to wring out pitiful laughs from hanger-ons, hopeful dullards aiming for her heart, or jerks lusting after her body. For every possible situation, I had a façade ready and willing to go, each carefully constructed to betray no hint of the tension lurking beneath the surface.

Though reunited with old friends, I lost another in Tifa, who was no longer tasked with my case. Social Services was strapped for cash and couldn't look after me forever. Policy dictated case resolution once I reached high school. I owed my life to Tifa. She went through heaven and hell, exerting herculean effort, to give me the life I deserved. On our last visit, she gave me a scrap of paper with her phone number and address.

"This isn't goodbye, Sora. If you ever need anything, feel free to drop by. I'm always happy to help." Busy bee as she was, she wasn't home often, but when she was, she would welcome me with open arms.

High school was almost a fresh start for me. Things were looking up, even at home. My caretakers increased the complexity of my job as "serf," which finally included cooking. At first, my food tasted terrible, and they had no problems letting me know about it. I saw it as giving them a taste of the same garbage they fed me as a kid, but they smacked me into improving until they no longer had to worry about cooking for themselves. At long last, I could feed myself properly, provided they weren't looking. It was easy to skim ingredients for lunch or late night meals. The more responsibility they gave me, the more gaps I saw in their little system. I took advantage and gathered a wealth of intel, such as where they kept their money hidden. I wouldn't dare touch it, but if the worst ever came to pass, I'd know the first place to check before getting the hell out of dodge.

Everything would've been great if it wasn't for one black spot in this rosy picture. His name was Axel, a junior who had firmly established himself as a lunatic with a morbid fascination with fire. He was unhinged and completely unpredictable. Everyone feared him, including the teachers and the bullies. He wasn't outwardly hostile; his brand of intimidation was entirely select. He chose his prey carefully, and dismantled them methodically, thoroughly, without arousing suspicion or leaving behind evidence, until they dropped out of school. Three dropouts have been unofficially credited to him.

He could've been charming if it wasn't for his personality. His teardrop tattoos and fiery spiked hair were eye-catching, but that curiosity would be squashed just as soon as he stared back with his half-snarling grin that promised anarchy. He stood tall, but his fragile wiry frame belied a beast, the slickest there ever was, that was always on the lookout for new victims.

I didn't have to worry about him because of my relative obscurity. The same couldn't be said for Kairi. When I first heard he had eyes on her, I knew I had to do something drastic. I watched him and confirmed that the rumors were true, and I didn't like the way he smacked his lips when he watched Kairi. So I did the unthinkable: I confronted him. I knew about the rumors, the stories, and the whispers surrounding him, and I could tell that it was all true. There was no reasoning with a beast. If I was to draw him away from her, I would have to do something guttural and instinctual, something that would provoke the ire of ego—in short, something stupid. It was just a normal day when I walked up to him in the middle of the hall, in plain sight of everyone, and spat in his face, saying: "You're my bitch now."

Cue laughter, a quick crowd, a dizzying spin, a crash into the lockers, a rain of blows, and a pair of arms pulling me to safety. The teachers tore us apart, levied suspensions on us, and called our guardians. From that day on, I had firmly established myself as Axel's newest obsession, and someone to disassociate from lest they suffer the wrath of Axel too, Destiny High's very own resident psychotic.

I knew what I was getting into. I had to protect Kairi at all costs, even if it meant my body. The beating Axel gave me was nothing compared to the beatings at home. My caretakers had been waiting for an excuse to wail on me for quite some time and this was their chance. They reveled in it, indulged, and enjoyed every last drop of my spilled blood. Even long after my suspension ended, I wasn't able to come to school because of my injuries. Was it worth it? I don't know, but it had to be done. I didn't want Axel anywhere near Kairi, and this throbbing pain all over my body was a small price to pay.

But it was when I was recuperating in the attic, wrapped in shoddy self-bandage work, that I realized I couldn't protect her alone. If it wasn't Axel, it would be someone else, some other predator or wretched excuse for man that could hurt her. My status had plummeted, and I had put my place by Kairi's side at risk. The only way I could protect her was from afar. I needed someone closer. If not me, then who? When I was finally good enough to go to school, Kairi greeted me with tears and harsh words.

"What the hell were you thinking? Did you know how worried I was? What go into you?" She didn't care that I was now a target for Axel or that everybody was keeping a safe distance from me; all she cared about was my well-being. She trapped me in her arms and berated me repeatedly, "You're an idiot. How stupid can you be? Do you have a death wish? I can't believe you. Don't you ever do that again!" She touched my bruises gently, wincing as I winced, never knowing that the taste of Axel's fist was blander than the stick at home.

That was the biggest road bump in my burgeoning high school career. Though Axel was kept on a leash, he had his ways of harassment. From harsh shoulder shoves in the hall to my burnt gym clothes, he never failed to let me know that he was always watching, and waiting for the one moment to truly make my life hell. Best of luck to him though, I had been living in it for years.

Eventually, I had joined the track team. If there was one thing I could claim for my own, it was my running. I was neither the fastest nor the slowest; I was squarely in the middle—the perfect warm up partner. There were no expectations of me. I was just a measuring stick for the true track stars. I was fine with that. I wasn't looking for glory; I just needed something to keep me busy.

Over the years, running had become the one activity I could count on to relax. I'd lose myself in the fatigue, in my gasps for dear life, feeling every fiber of my muscles twitch and burn for oxygen, allowing my body to occupy my attention from more painful matters like my unrequited love, which I tried to convince myself was just a passing infatuation.

It was only then, when I was in the middle of my laps, with the rest of the club long gone, that Riku showed up unexpectedly on the field. We hadn't exchanged a single word after our meeting in the restaurant two years ago. We'd see each other in the halls from time to time but that where it started and ended. What could he possibly want with me? I pushed the limits of my curfew, squeezing it for every last drop of fatigue I could pump into my legs, and approached him by the starting line. He called out to me.

"Hey, have a moment to talk?"

My sweater, wet and dripping with sweat, felt extraordinarily heavy. I was the only one in club who donned sweats during runs. I didn't want my scars showing. When I announced my entrance to track back in middle school, my caretakers had enough foresight to concentrate their blows solely on my torso, leaving my arms and legs relatively unscathed. Despite that, I retained the bad habit of covering myself up. My body was scrawny, but most of people in track were. It was a runner's frame. I wondered if the weight I was feeling came from my clothes or from Riku.

"What is it?" I said, unsure if this was this about me or Kairi.

Earlier, she had confided in me about her insecurities, unsure if her effort had paid off. Her feelings for Riku had been simmering but it was beginning to cool down. A couple weeks had already passed since the start of school and Riku seemed no closer. Having already spent a year at Destiny High, Riku had built up a good reputation and was a rising star on the blitzball team. Good grades, good looks, and athletic talent, yet, it appeared he had no interest in girls. It was that stoic exterior and seeming apathy for the opposite sex that drew girls inexorably towards him. He and I were clearly in different words; the time for reunion and reconciliation, if there was cause for any, had long passed. So what was this foreboding I was feeling in the pit of my stomach? I pulled my moogle clock out of my pocket. It was thirty minutes til curfew.

"I just wanted to know if you were okay. I heard about the whole Axel thing." He summoned the correct sequence of facial contortions to communicate, nonverbally, his sympathy. It was a little rigid.

"I'm fine." I grabbed the bottom of my sweater and wiped my face with it. "Is that it?"

He smirked knowingly, as if saw through me shallow façade. "You love her, don't you?"

My blood froze, turning my veins into conduits for sludge. I pulled the sweater down from my face slowly. Apart from my home life, my feelings for Kairi were my most carefully guarded secret. How could he possibly know about them? Even I wasn't sure what I was feeling. "Who?"

"Kairi."

"I don't love her—at least not in that way," I answered hastily. "We're best friends. I just want her to be happy." It was true. Nothing was certain. I cared for her a great deal, but to the extent of romantic entanglement? The answer was a resounding "YES!" but only in hindsight. I didn't realize it at the time, and my confusion was enough to convince him.

"I can tell," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Only a nut job would go as far as you did, making an enemy out of Axel just to protect her from him." He smiled when he saw my shocked face. "But how can you protect her with all his attention on you?"

"I…" I couldn't. He gave me a sympathetic look—it was softer this time, like he actually meant it.

"She's beautiful, isn't she? A real stunner, drop-dead gorgeous. When I think about Axel getting his hands on her, it makes me sick to my stomach. You're lucky to be friends with her." He spoke in almost reverent tones. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he liked her.

"Why don't you ask her out then?" After all, he was the one she was in love with.

He rubbed the back of hair with an embarrassed smile. "When I saw what you did to protect her, I figure I had to go through you before doing anything first. I admit it: I like her. There's no confusion about that. I really like her, and it's no mystery why. Half the school likes her for the same reasons: she's amazing, beautiful, and charming. But she's not by herself; she's in a package deal even if everybody else doesn't realize it. She comes with you. You're her best friend, and I gotta pay my dues before I can approach her. I'm asking for your blessing, and… I'm here to make a promise."

"What?"

"I swear on my life to never hurt her. Physically, emotionally, or any other way. I'll protect her from everything and anything. I want to make her happy, happier than any girl at school—hell, the whole world. And… if I'm her boyfriend, even Axel wouldn't dare think about putting his dirty hands on her." He meant it. It was a declaration filled with the purest of intentions and the earnest of sincerities. I looked for any reason to the contrary, the smallest crack—anything, but I could discern none. There was no room for doubt. He would make her happy.

I looked over my shoulder and caught the fading sun casting long shadows on the field. This was my chance to quell those surging feelings of mine. It was my duty, as Kairi's best friend, to ensure her absolute happiness. I would be unable to do so as a boyfriend, but as a best friend? That was my role, and it was perfect for me. I threw away the responsibility of my feelings and entrusted it to him.

"Are you saying you'll make her happy?"

"It's a promise. Besides, isn't it about time we become friends again?" He stretched out his hand. What was there to think about? She liked him and he liked her. Only a vindictive asshole would stop this inevitable union from happening. I would step aside gracefully.

"Yeah." We shook on it, sealing our deal, a promise, a guarantee of Kairi's happiness above all else. In a way, I was relieved. I had solved the problem of who would look after her and I was reunited with an old friend, estranged as we were. It just took some time for us to warm up to each other. Friendships weren't built in a day.

"How are your parents?" he asked.

"They—they're fine." He didn't know. Of course, he didn't know. He hadn't seen me in years. We used to be close, but now? We were no closer than my best friend's boyfriend. We could be friends again, but that was all.

"We've gone a long way since then, huh?"

"You're telling me. You're the star player of the blitzball team and you've got the hearts of all the girls in school."

"But only one of them matters. What about you? You're the one who's friends with Kairi, the most popular girl around. Who knows? You might become a track star too."

Fat chance of that happening. It was a pleasant exchange though; we were competing about how lucky we were—skeletons in the closet be damned. "I'm lucky to have met her," I said, clenching my fist with the moogle clock trapped inside, its unique shape digging into my skin. "And you too once you become her boyfriend."

"It's not a sure thing yet."

"I have a feeling," I said, a resigned smile on my lips. "You got your phone with you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I have her number."

And that was how it started. I gave him Kairi's cell number and he asked her out the next day. I had mixed feelings about it until I saw her face, a broad grin painted from one cheek to the other, eyes shining and sparkling, skin vivacious and rosy, joy wrapped around her like an impenetrable cloak. She was skipping on sunshine and there was no way anything could bring her down. For one fleeting moment, I felt like I had done the right thing.

They officially became boyfriend and girlfriend a week later, and true to his words, he adored her, cherished her, and worshiped her, leaving no doubt that he truly loved her. Their relationship was as real as it gets. So magnificent it was that even the poor girls pining for his heart grudgingly accepted it. His smiles were far too genuine and heart-warming for it to be a passing fling.

I thought I had accepted it, but deep inside, I never bought it. My body rejected it, refused to believe and fought against it with every pang and deep echo in the hollow of my chest. The careful deception I had been building for myself was finally unraveling. There was a storm brewing inside, and every image of them together, holding hands, an arm over the shoulder, or a soft kiss, ignited bolts of lightning that struck my limbs numb. I could no longer repress my feelings—no more excuses and no more rationalizations. The small bit of doubt I was able to rely on to deceive myself had all but evaporated, leaving nothing but the terrible realization that not only was I in love with her, but that I had given her away too.

Even if things didn't work out with Riku (an impossible possibility), she'd find another guy, and any other guy besides me would be much better. What did I have to offer? A few jokes and token words of support? I had nothing except my misery. Compared to Riku's joy, who would have me?

I could no longer be friends with her—it would be too painful. To be close to the one thing I could never attain was punishment no one deserved. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I overreached my bounds and this was my comeuppance. This was what the system at home was meant to teach me. How dare I attempt to break the chains that bound me? If I reached out, I'd only be dragging her down.

I had to give her up.

I would never forget what she taught me. The hope she gave me still smoldered. There was still light at the end of tunnel. The only difference was that she was no longer waiting there for me. I was on my own. I would bow out and let her be happy with Riku or any other guy after him.

Don't be mistaken. I wasn't making a noble sacrifice. I was just correcting an aberration caused by her kindness. I was lucky enough to get this far, but it was time I stopped leaning on her. I began my desperate bid to live life without her. It was a painful, lonely, and confused process. Though I had resolved to absolve myself of her, she clung to my being, crept in my joints, and holed up in my head. Everywhere I looked, she seemed to be there.

I loved her, and it was the most painful feeling in the world. No matter what I did, no matter what she did, and no matter what happened, I knew, deep in my heart, from present to unknowable future, that I would never, ever, in all of eternity, stop loving her. I was hers forever and she didn't even know it. My soul resided in her, and I could no longer part from her than I could from my own body.

With the realization came all the implications, the sorrows and tears that unrequited love brought along with it, the unquenchable ceaseless misery fed by long glances of her with someone else. I was crushed by the weight of my guilt, by the full knowledge that I was the one responsible for her present happiness shared with Riku. I saw the future, and there was nothing in it for me. For the first time since I met her, I believed in the words of my caretakers.

It would've been better if I was never born.