Hello Darlings! Thank you for all the lovely reviews! A lot of you commented anonymously so I couldn't thank you personally but I want you all to know how deeply I appreciate it! I'm not so sure about this chapter, I really like parts of it and then other parts feel sort of off. But please let me know what you think! I don't own anything of this, it all belongs to JK Rowling.

When Sirius woke up the next morning the dormitory was empty, and so was he. Last night something vital to his survival had left him but he hadn't died. He had just turned into something empty and broken and miserable. He left his bed and walked over to the window. It was sunny outside and clear, bright rays of sunshine hit his face and he felt them taunt him. They told a tale of joy and rubbed it in his face that he was no longer allowed to have that. They reminded him that he had thrown that away just so he could get back at Severus fucking Snape.

As he stood watching the hateful light he realized something he should have thought of sooner and his stomach dropped. He would have to talk to Remus today. He would have to look him in the eyes and tell him what he had done. He would have to see Remus cry, and scream at him and cures him. He would have to see Remus face filled with horror and hate and disgust just as James's had when he had told him the previous night. He would have to hear Remus revoke their friendship and the worst of all, Sirius would have to find a way to live without him, without any of them.

He looked at the clock, 09.13, Remus was probably still in the shrieking shack recovering from last night's transformation. That couldn't be a good time to tell him, right? Not when he was weak and feeling so sick and tired. He could do it when Remus got back to the dorms, but that didn't feel right either. Remus would know something was up when he didn't come and visit him in the shack with the other two, and they would tell him, and that thought made Sirius just as sick as the thought of telling Remus himself. He wished there was someone he could talk to, but no one that knew the truth would ever want to talk to him again. He had done something horrible and now he'd just have to deal with it. Alone.

He watched the sun for a few more moments before he got dressed and made his way outside. He still hadn't decided what to do but he had hoped that the fresh November air would clear his mind. He was wrong, instead it just joined in on the suns mockery. The cold wind felt like it blew right through him, reminding him of his emptiness. He walked down to the Whomping Willow and sat down just out of the reach of the ferocious tree. He didn't know how long he sat there but after what felt like a long time he heard someone coming up to him.

"Have you talked to him?" James said, his voice colder than ice. He had a look of firm disgust on his face. Peter was standing a step behind him, trying to match his face to James's but his eyes looked more sad than mad.

"No," Sirius said and he heard his voice crack a little.

"Then get in there." James almost spat out the words.

"I just…" Sirius started, not knowing what he wanted to say, but knowing he had to say something, because he couldn't do it now. He didn't know what to tell Remus. He didn't know how to express how sorry he was or how to explain everything without sounding like the most pathetic creature of all time.

"I just want…" He started again but James interrupted him.

"You don't get to want." James snapped. "You have lost the privileged of having anyone care what you want, so just get in there." He didn't raise his voice or sound angry. He just sounded cold. Cold and hard, just like ice.

Sirius got to his feet, and without looking at James or Peter he let out a quiet "Okay."

Peter looked around them quickly and then transformed and ran to tap the knot at the root of the tree. The tree stilled and the two boys and the rat went through the small hole in the roots, along the small cave like corridor and stopped at the door. Sirius took a deep breath before knocking lightly on it.

"Come in!" The much tiered voice of Remus Lupin rang out.

Sirius swallowed hard and tried to open the door but his body didn't allow him. He just stood before the door and all he could think was "I can't do this" over and over again.

"Hello?" Remus called out again.

James reached for the doorknob, opened the door and gave Sirius a not-so-light shove in the back so that he nearly fell into the room.

"Hey guys!" Remus said cheerfully but as he took in the expressions of the boys before him his face fell. "What's going on?" He asked wearily.

James and Peter both looked to Sirius and he swallowed hard again before opening his mouth.

"I did something stupid Mooney, and you're probably never going to forgive me for it." His voice sounded like it belonged to someone else, someone who was dying.

"What?" Remus had a bad feeling about this. He could only think of one thing that Sirius could do that was so bad that he couldn't forgive it but surely Sirius couldn't have. It was impossible.

The next words Sirius uttered proved that it wasn't impossible. His best friend had betrayed him. One of the persons he trusted most in this world had nearly turned him into a murderer. He had risked Remus shot at a normal life, his shot at a life as something more than just a werewolf.

The scene that Sirius had painted up in the dormitory played itself out. Remus screamed and cried and cursed him. After an eternity it all ended when James grabbed Sirius by the arm, shoved him back out unto the muddy pathway and shut the door behind him. He knew he should leave, before Madam Hart showed up or before the boys decided to leave but he couldn't find it in himself to do anything other than to just sit and wallow in his own pain and shame.

A vast amount of time and pain later, Sirius found himself before Dumbledore's office doors again. The rest of the morning had passed in a blur with him mostly hiding out in an empty classroom on the seventh floor. He had recollected just in time that he was to meet the headmaster and the head of his house at four o'clock to discuss his remaining in school or not, and a hurried sprint later here he was. He found standing before these doors almost as painful as the one that lead to the Shrieking shack and he once again found himself unable to move. He inhaled deeply several times, focused all his energy on raising his hand, and tapping it to the great wooden doors three times.

A voice called out for him to enter and once again Sirius had to focus on the simplest of tasks, pushing the doors open and walking in to the room where it could all end.

He took a chair, sat down and looked at the two professors before him.

"Hello Sirius, how are you today?" Dumbledore asked calmly, like nothing was particularly wrong and Sirius was just here because of one of his usual pranks.

It took Sirius a few seconds to get the response out. "I've had better days, professor." He admitted, and in his face it was easy to read that this was in fact one of his worst.

"Then I will take great pleasure in not making it worse." Dumbledore said with a kind smile, "We have decided not to expel you."

Sirius couldn't truly understand the words. He shifted them around and around in his head but they didn't make sense. Surly Dumbledore had said that they were expelling him, that that was what they had decided on, but when he thought of the words, that was not what they said.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, "Are sure that you're not expelling me?" He needed to hear it again, needed to have it confirmed.

"Yes Mr. Black, we're quite sure." Professor McGonagall said, her face not as soft as Dumbledore's but her lips were not in as thin of a line as they could be.

Sirius felt a knot in his stomach untangle, there were still several more to get loose but at least he would get to stay in school while trying remove them.

"But you will be punished," Dumbledore continued, "Severly."

"I understand that sir." Sirius agreed, feeling almost eager for his punishment because it meant they weren't going to expel him.

"First of," The headmaster started, "You will have detention every Friday the next two months." During his fourth and fifth years at the school Sirius had had detention at least two times a month anyway so this wasn't something that scared him particularly.

"We also want you to apologize to everyone involved in last night's debacle." Sirius nodded.

"And that includes Mr. Snape." Professor McGonagall added, eyeing the student before her sternly.

"I understand that, professor." Sirius said somberly. Apologizing to Snape wasn't going to be nearly as awful as it was to apologize to Remus.

"No Hogsmead trips."

Sirius nodded. If he wanted to go he could, but what business did he have in Hogsmead anyway?

"Gryffindor will lose 50 points."

Another nod.

"In cases like these we also write a letter to the parents informing them of the situation," Dumbledore continued. This didn't worry Sirius in the least, he couldn't care less about what his family though.

"I am, however, aware of your situation, so I thought it more appropriate to address this letter to Mrs. Potter, since you have been staying there."

At this Sirius heart sank, he knew James wouldn't allow him to live at the Potters anymore but he couldn't stand the thought of more persons that he loved start to hate him. He felt the steady lump in his stomach grow a little heavier, knowing that even more people would be disappointed in and disgusted by him.

"That seems fair," Sirius managed, he knew he deserved it.

"We need you to understand that this was a hard decision for us Sirius." Dumbledore said, "And if anymore incidents happen we may have to reevaluate it. Your track record isn't great and if you want to return next year we need to see an improvement." The headmaster locked his eyes on the young pupil and seemed to try to convey the importance of his word with his eyes.

Sirius nodded. "I'll do better sir, I promise." Sirius held the older wizards eyes to make sure he knew that he meant it.

"Well then, you are free to go." Dumbledore said with a kind smile.

Sirius bid his professors goodbye and returned to his previous hiding spot. The relief of getting to stay at Hogwarts lessened when he realized that this was probably how he was going to spend the remainder of his days at the school, alone and hated by all the people he considered to be family.

Lily Evans had spent the larger part of the Sunday looking around for the Marauders with no success. They didn't show up to any of the meals, they weren't in the common room all day nor were they in the hospital wing when she faked a headache. She knew that it was none of her business but she felt so bad for all of them. Remus had been betrayed by his best friend, Potter had risked his life to save his nemesis and Sirius had to live with the guilt of his actions totally alone.

She knew how hard it was too loose a best friend, and even if the marauders weren't her favorite persons in the world she wished she knew of a way to lessen their pain, because it could truly be excruciating.

Instead of going to bed when darkness creep in she decided to go out for some fresh air. She did quite often break curfew and spend some hours alone outside, either on one of the towers or at the lakeside. When she was made prefect this became much easier for her because she had an excuse to be walking around after hours. She had a favorite spot which Severus had shown her a couple of years back, the roof of one of the lower towers were made into a kind of balcony and it was a wonderful spot to just sit and think.

When she got there however she noticed that it was occupied. Sirius Black was sitting, back leaning to the wall, knees pressed to his chest and a half empty bottle of fire whiskey in his hand. Lily considered turning back when she saw him but that voice in the back of her that had been worrying about him and the others the entire day made her step towards him.

"Is this seat taken?" She asked in a joking tone and gestured to the ground next to him.

Sirius looked up, registering her presences for the first time. He looked at the space next to him, shrugged and took a sip of the fire whiskey.

Assuming that was the only response she was going to get Lily sat down.

"How are you?" She asked timidly.

"Never better." He answered slowly, bitterness oozing out of his words.

"Have you talked to Remus yet?" Lily asked, not knowing if she was being nosy.

"Yes." Sirius tone was sharp and clearly stated that they weren't going to talk about it.

"Oh, okay." Lily said lamely, whishing she hadn't asked. They sat in quiet for a long minute until Lily couldn't take anymore.

"Have you talked to Dumbledore?"

"Yes." Sirius repeated, but this time the reply lacked the previous edge.

"And?" Lily pressed.

"I get to stay." He said, taking another swing from the bottle.

"You do, that's great! " Lily felt more relief over this fact that she would have guessed. It wasn't like she spent a lot of time with Sirius but the Hogwarts wouldn't be the same without him.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius turned to truly look at her for the first time since she arrived. He didn't sound hostile or angry. As a matter of fact his voice lacked of all emotions, he just sounded bored.

"I… I don't really know actually." She didn't know why she cared that the marauders were hurting but she did. "I guess I just want to make sure you're fine."

"And if I'm not, what are you going to do about it?" Sirius still sounded bored but his eyes bore into hers with an intensity she had rarely seen in them.

"I will find a way to make it better." Lily was surprised at how determined she sounded. She hadn't decided to help Sirius Black fix his mistake but seeing him so defeated made some basic instinct to help kick in.

Sirius felt a lump forming in his throat, he didn't deserve her kindness, and he really didn't deserve her help but he longed for it. He longed for someone to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be alright. Not wanting to show these desires to the girl next to him he went back to staring out over the grounds and taking another sip from the bottle.

Trying to sound nonchalant and only failing slightly he asked: "Why would you? We're not friends, in fact you more or less hate me."

"I don't hate you!" Lily objected strongly, avoiding the question she didn't have an answer to. "You are the one that's been taking of my head every time I've come near you lately." She added jokingly with a small chuckle.

Sirius did not find it amusing. "Even more of a reason for you to hate me, I've been awful to you lately." Sirius thought back for a second and the added: "Scratch that, I've always been awful to you."

Lily let out another laugh, stronger this time, remembering all the stupid pranks the marauders had pulled on her over the years.

"You're fine." Lily said jokingly, slightly bumping her shoulder into his.

"Why are you doing this?" Sirius was determined to get the question answered.

"Doing what?" Lily knew what he was referring to but she didn't have a good answer, not one she was willing to give right now anyway.

"You know what I'm talking about!" Sirius temper rose and he spat the words at her. "Why are you here? Why are you being nice to me? Why would you even speak to me?" Sirius voice had risen to a shout and the silence after his outburst was deafening.

"Are you mad at me for being nice to you?" Lily still spoke softly, and her calm aggravated Sirius even more.

"Yes! I don't want your help or your pity or fucking sympathy!" Sirius rose and walked over to the ledge, took the final sip from the bottle and then threw it with all his might into the darkness.

Lily rose slowly and walked over to the entry to the balcony, pausing there for a second and without facing him she said:

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are going to be fine."

As walked into the warmth of the castle she could hear a quiet sob escape from the balcony, but she kept going.

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