A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews. So sorry for the delays, I've been in the hospital for the past 2 months and I am still dealing with so many issues. I hope this update helps. Lots of xoxo and thank you for sticking with me!
22
Father
Luke said nothing. He sat beside me with head tilted to the floor, a faint shiver rolling through him. Anakin's breath echoed in the cavernous room. I let out a breath, the mist swirling about us. I did not know what to say. Even if I had the words to speak, I felt my voice would falter. For a moment of such importance, it had failed to fix my damaged soul entirely. I was grateful beyond words to have my son beside me at last, yet I could feel the bitter anguish at losing my daughter once more. I studied Luke; his soft blond hair, his tall figure. I could see his profile, though not his face. It reminded me of my own father, the soft ridges and warm complexion traits my family had in abundance.
"Mother," he mumbled, his vibrant blue eyes suddenly meeting mine. It startled me for a moment. Not only had I forgotten what it was like to be around Force-sensitives - their sudden movements and agility almost unnatural for someone not gifted – but they were the same colour as Anakin's had once been, so many years before.
"Yes?" I held out a hand, tentatively. I didn't know if he would take it, but to my surprise, he did. His hand was worn and rough, as though he had been labouring for years. Yet beneath the callouses it was supple and warm.
"I'm sorry." The words were soft, almost inaudible. For a moment I was taken aback. I looked at him, first wondering if I had heard him, then wondering why he could possibly be apologising to me. The mist curled around our hands.
"Why are you apologising, Luke?" I scanned his features. A tinge of sadness surfaced in his eyes. The corners of his mouth fell as he shook his head. His face turned towards Anakin, but quickly snapped back to me.
"For hurting you." He shrugged. I tugged his hand lightly and looked up to Anakin, who still stood at a distance. Rays of light cascaded from the windows, settling on his onyx armour. Luke's words resonated within me, guilt bubbling to the surface. He was already apologising for something he did not know. For a moment, when I looked at Anakin's mask, I felt fear. I had told myself endlessly that there was still good in him. I had given him my trust. Now, as my son sat beside me, I feared my decision. I questioned my ability to keep him safe, the sandy-haired boy I had lost for nineteen years. I did not want to lose him, but I did not want to endanger him. I wondered if I was endangering them all, his sister, my old friends, simply by standing beside Anakin. I did not want to believe that was the truth. The thoughts churned inside my heart, a tempest I could not control. I bit my cheek, trying to hide the distress I felt building inside me.
Luke shivered beside me more violently. I watched him for a moment, then placed the back of my hand on his cheek. It was frigid. I recoiled. His cheeks were pale, the warm rosiness flooding out. I unclasped my cloak, as quickly as I could with my tense hands, and swept it around him. It happened in moments, before I had even grasped what I was doing. He gave me a grateful smile. He still looked ill, exhausted.
"You don't have to apologise to me, Luke. You don't ever have to apologise."
I turned to ask Anakin to take us back to the ship - to care for Luke, to create a plan to find Leia - but he had already vanished down the long hallway. I swallowed; something was wrong. An officer stood in his place. He saw me staring, meeting my gaze before approaching.
"Where has he gone?"
"I'm not sure, milady, but he has arranged a return to the ship. If you wish."
I nodded, glancing to Luke to be sure he did not disagree. He was wrapped in my cloak, his eyes and mop of blond hair peering out. His sea-blue irises watched as the man walked away. They darted back to me, crinkling slightly at the corners. For the first time in ages, I smiled. Despite all the worry, the tumultuous emotions that pounded my psyche, the sight of him huddled beneath my cloak brought me joy. I exhaled, knowing that despite everything, I would not be alone.
The shuttle had brought us alone off planet. Not a single officer could tell me where Anakin had gone, and a large part of me did not want to know. He was still unpredictable, still plagued with years of indulging his darkest emotions. A small part of my mind nagged me that he was going to find Leia, that he was going to try and stop her from escaping the planet even if she fought back. I shook the thought away, but it would not leave. It remained, lingering in the shadows of my mind. The ship shuddered beneath us. I peered through the viewport, the silhouette of the Star Destroyer growing ever larger. The sun's rays poured around it and sparkled against the transparisteel. I let out a sigh, still thinking. I clasped my hands together in my lap.
"Mother?" Luke asked, readjusting the cloak around his muscular frame. "Are you alright?"
I looked at him, puzzled by his empathy. He seemed more aware of my emotional state than I was. More importantly than that, he held no judgment on me. He acted as if I had been there with him for years, as though I had seen his face every morning and told him goodnight every evening. As though I had been his mother every day of his life.
"I'm fine, Luke," I replied, sending him a small smile. He didn't seem convinced, instead looking at me inquisitively. "Why did you think you hurt me before?"
"I hurt you, I know. The Force told me to come back to you, and I didn't listen. It showed me with you, in dreams. Now that I am here, I feel at home. I don't know how to describe it. It's what I wanted to feel when I was little, instead of feeling…lonely." He shook his head and dropped it towards the floor. He scuffed his boots against the grey metal floors. "It's ridiculous."
My heart began to ache at his confession, at the honesty. "You never hurt me." I replied softly. I hesitated, unsure of myself despite the warm expression I was maintaining. "I am just glad you are safe. I am glad you are with me."
He nodded.
I rested a hand on his shoulder. My eyes wandered around the small cabin and my thoughts floated freely. I remembered Naboo, walking through Theed's many verandas and plazas with Anakin by my side. The air was floral, the sun radiant. I could almost feel the cool mist of the waterfalls and fountains as it drizzled onto our faces. Anakin had asked me so many questions by the time we neared the Palace, but I had held a bittersweet longing in my heart for my family. My thoughts had constantly gone back to my sister and her children, how I had dreamed of it since I was young. It was then I had thought I'd realised just how much I had sacrificed to become a Senator. It was only now that I realised the true depth of my decision. I absentmindedly traced the Royal Seal on my dress, the shimmering fabric rough beneath my fingertips.
I watched Luke quietly, his eyes watching as the Star Destroyer approached. He had stopped shivering entirely now. I could see the suspense in him as we continued to draw closer. His shoulders began to stiffen; his tranquil face began to frown slightly. A wisp of guilt wrapped itself around my heart. I did not want him to be afraid. I did not want to see him fear everything around him.
"It will be alright, Luke," I said. "They are on our side."
He turned his head to me, suddenly. I startled.
"Whose side?" He asked, quietly. I thought over the question for a moment, not sure how to answer. They were the Empire; there was no doubt about that. But they were not the same Empire I disdained. They had proven themselves different. They had kept me safe. Whether out of fear or respect of Anakin, they were keeping us safe.
"They are the Empire," I paused, "But they serve us, not the Emperor."
"Why are they serving us?" He looked confused. He relaxed, the cloak falling off his right shoulder. He pulled it away and left it resting over his other shoulder. "Why are they going to listen to you?"
I realised with a cold chill that he did not know about Anakin. He didn't know about his father, he knew nothing of why I had stayed by the side of who he knew as a Sith Lord, cruel and heartless. There was no possibility Obi-Wan had told him.
"What do you know of your father?" I asked, trying to approach the situation delicately. I could only imagine what he had been through so far, only to have his entire world changed in one day.
"Ben told me…" He trailed off, his lips crumpling in thought. "He told me my father was a great Jedi, he gave me his lightsaber."
His lightsaber? I thought, another chill passing through me. I thought back to Coruscant, the younglings, the Jedi Temple. A wave of nausea clawed at my stomach. I scanned his taupe woven belt, wondering how I had missed it. There was not even the faintest sign of the cylindrical hilt I knew so well.
"Do you still have it, Luke?"
He nodded and reached into his tunic, pulling it from behind the front panel. It glimmered in his hands. The fluorescent lighting above gave it an almost ethereal glow, as though it were not really there. I reached out a hand and caught myself, pulling it back. He held it out towards me. I rested my palm against the metal. It was warm from being beside his heart, far from the cold I was expecting.
"I didn't want Vader to see it."
I nodded blankly, overwhelmed by the emotion that it brought to see his lightsaber again. To have it within my reach, just as I had before. A silent tear fell onto the sleeve of my gown. Luke turned my hand over and set the lightsaber into my palm. He said nothing, but I could see by his face he was concerned.
"Thank you," I whispered, barely able to call upon my voice. I brought it into my lap and held it in both hands. The black ridges were the same as I had remembered, each groove and indentation the same. I had studied it often, borrowed it from him in the spur of the moment. A brief memory flashed in my mind's eye. I skipped through the halls of Varykino with it in my hand, holding onto it for dear life. He followed me, laughing and trying to steal it back from me until we both were utterly exhausted. The evening sun glittered against the warmed metal, Anakin held me close, still trying to steal it away. I smiled wistfully.
The shuttle rolled beneath our feet and I snapped back to reality. The icy durasteel suddenly stung and I dropped the 'saber. It clattered to the ground. Luke's eyes met mine in a flash and he quickly scooped the lightsaber up. He glanced it over quickly, then cradled it in his lap as though it were a child. It was silent for a moment.
"He was a great Jedi," I said, staring ahead into the grey hull of the Star Destroyer. "They thought he would bring balance to the Force, one day." I shook my head.
"Ben told me all about him. I'm sorry." His expression suddenly contorted into confusion. I watched him ponder, waiting for him to speak again. Instead, he furrowed his brow slightly and looked away.
"What is it, Luke?" I asked, my voice tempered.
"He told me that Darth Vader killed my father. When I saw you there with him, I knew it wasn't true. I just don't know what happened to him now. Nobody ever told me the truth."
"Not everyone knows the truth," I replied. The words were soft, quickly fading into the whirr of the engines.
"They should. He was brave, fighting for the Republic. The Empire is oppressive. It's brutal. I wish Anakin had succeeded in saving the Galaxy. I wish he was still alive."
I inhaled sharply. My breath stuck in my chest, a lump of ice that rested just below my throat. I let my eyes close for a moment. I needed to tell Luke the truth about Anakin, but just hearing his name sent a chill down my spine. Just thinking about his fall again brewed a nauseating mix of emotions in my stomach. I pressed my lips together, so hard they began to burn. I stared ahead.
"Tell me. Please. Tell me the truth." My eyes met his. He had leaned forward slightly. His hands clutched Anakin's lightsaber tightly. I did not want to disappoint him, to shatter his dreams of his father - the dreams I myself still believed. Yet I did not want to betray him the same way everyone else had. I took a measured breath and exhaled, preparing myself the same way I had before every Senate meeting, before every royal event.
"Anakin is your father, Luke," I began, pausing to collect my words, "And he is alive."
His eyes widened. "He's alive? Where is he? Do you know?"
"He's on Mygeeto, right now," I replied, my voice getting ever quieter.
"How?" He mouthed.
I swallowed, regaining my strength. "Your father is Anakin Skywalker - but he is also Darth Vader."