Live, From the Famous Glades Arena: The Tekken Play.
By Tekkenicus (or 'that freaky guy from da Stourport High').
Kazuya (Kaz): Nice title, not!
Heihachi (Hei): Shut up you idiotic boy!
Me: Well, I tried. Anyway, this is a story about a talent show with the Tekken guys & gals. With the well renowned audience who has starred in so many live shows & theatre plays.
Audience: (applauses) oh you're too kind!
Me: And other famous stars which will be mentioned as we go along.
Hei: (whining) Tell us now!!
Me: Nah
Hei: Go on!
Me: No
Hei: go ooonnnn!
Me: Nnooooo!
Paul: Just get on with it already, Christ!
Me: Ok, ok, here's our first act. It's Jin Kazama trying out some comedy.
Kaz: No problem there, he is a big joke y'know!
Hei: hahahahahahahaa, too right!
(Jin sniffles)
Audience: aaaaawwwwwwwww
Jun: How dare you speak that way! (smacks both of them upside the head)
Hei+Kaz+Jun: Ow!
Kaz: Why did you go Ow?
Jun: Your spikes cut my hand.
Kaz: But I've only got one.
Jun: Yours & Heihachi's.
Hei: Who?
Jin: HEY! I'm trying to perform here.
Kaz: Fine
Jin: Anyway, this guys walks into a bar & uhhhhhh, ummm
Faint Voice: he goes ouch.
Audience: …
Kaz: That wasn't funny
Jun: Er, hahaha
Hei: Put some energy into it boy!
Kaz: hey, he's my son!
Me: Oi, Big Mishima & Mini Mishima, shut it!
Kaz+Hei: Fine!
Jin: And, ummm, this guy styles his hair into 2 spikes but shaves off the hair in the middle & I ask him 'Why do you have hair like that?' and he replies 'Because baldness equals virility'. Well, your not very virile at 70 years old are you?
(everyone laughs)
Hei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a fool that guy must've been!
Kaz: HAHAHA, I'd say! It's you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hei: HAHA-HEY!
Paul: hehehehehehehehehehehe
Hwoarang (Hwoar): uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh
Xiaoyu: Ladies & Gentlemen, it's Beavis and Butthead!
Jin: Also, his son styles his hair into a widow's peak kinda thing. More like poofter's peak if you ask me.
Audience: Hehehehehehehehehee
Kaz: HEY!
Jun: Jin, it's not nice to make fun of family members!
Jin: Sorry mom.
Hwoar: Momma's boy!
Me: Moving on…
Jin: I haven't finished!
Me: Who cares? We're moving on
Jin: Ooh bugger!
Me: Now, a little movie made by King called 'Wildlife One on One'
Hei: Wahey! Porn!
Jun: (gasp) you dirty old man
Hei: Nah, that's just Wang
Wang: Why you (beep), I'll beat the (beep) out of you!
Jun: Stop swearing!
Me: Don't worry, I'll keep the swearing out.
Jun: Oh, ok (
Me: The movie starts….now!
David Attenborough type voice from Movie: 'Here we have the Jaguar Wrestler Priest, or Panthera religious wrestleris, and tells us whom he would want to have a one on one with'
Hei: Here it comes
Paul: Soon to be 'Here I (beep)'
King (on movie): 'The person who'd I'd like to have a one on one with, is Mick Foley'
Audience: ….oh
Kaz: So it's that type of one on one
Hei: Dammit!
King: 'I'd ask him how he lost his ear & how many injuries he had in a whole career' (movie shows King talking to Krist Novoselic from Nirvana, who looked like Mick Foley when he had a beard)
Hwoar: KRRRRRIIIIIISSSSTTTTT!
Jin: -TAAAAALLLLLLLL!
Armor King (A.K): Shut it you juvenile delinquents!
Hwoar+Jin: (eyes go watery and do that anime type wobble as if they're gonna cry)
Paul: Theeeeyyy'rreeee gonnnnaaaa crrrryyyyyyy!
A.K: You, Vanilla Ice look-alike, shut your cakehole!
Lei: Armor King's English? Wow!
A.K: I'm not English, & if you say that again then I'm gonna 'ave to beat ya up mate.
King: 'And that is my one on one' (movie ends)
Hei: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Nina, you know the drill.
(Nina nods & she kicks Heihachi square in his impotent balls)
Hei: (high-pitched) aaaaawwww maatttteee!
Kaz: WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
A.K: Bloody 'ell!
Paul: *winces
Me: Stop it!
Hei: (still high pitched) I'm gonna get everyone for this.
Kaz: (making fun by talking in a high-pitched voice) aww, what you gonna do?
Me: STOP IT OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!! (shows semi-automatic)
(Everyone quietens)
Me: There, now, a performance by some group, er, they're called…Mon-day?
(Monday, made up of Hwoarang & some of his bike gang, appear on stage)
Paul: Gerroff the stage!
Hwoar: Up yours!
Jin: (to Xiaoyu) Man, everyone's ears' are gonna bleed tonight, I know, I heard them play
Xiaoyu: What are we gonna do then?
Jin: I've got an idea, listen (Jin whispers his plot)
Xiaoyu: Ok, I think I can do that (runs backstage)
Julia: Where's she off to?
Jin: nervous Er, umm, nowhere! Nowhere at all.
Hwoar: speaking in microphone IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK?
Audience: unenthusiastically yes.
Hwoar: I SAID 'IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK'?
Audience: still unenthusiastically: YES.
Hwoar: An' a 1, an' a 2
Nina: She does it more then that!
Anna: (beep) off
Hwoar: An' a -
(Power goes out & everyone talks in surprise)
A.K: Bloody 'ell! Where'd all the lights go?
Lei: Who turned the lights off?
Bryan: click, click-click-click
Lei: Who turned the lights off?
Hwoar: Shut up back there!
Jun: (holds tightly onto Kazuya)
Kaz: (thoughts) thank you darkness! (
(Power returns but Monday's instruments are gone)
Band member 1: Hey, where's my bass?
Band member 2: And my drums.
Band member 3: And my amphetamines.
Lei: Who said 'amphetamines'? (Shows badge)
Band member 3: erm, not me!
Hwoar: Least I can still sing
Me: Go ahead then.
Hwoar: (clears throat) #Waaaarnnninnnnggg#
Audience: BOOOOOOOOO (throws rotten vegetables)
Hwoar: You buncha (beep), I'm gonna kick your (beep)ing (beep) in so hard that Jimmy Saville couldn't (beep)ing fix it!
Me: Moving on…
Jin: (mumbling) yes, it worked!
Julia: What was that?
Jin: er, nothing, just coughing.
Me: Now, a magic act with the great-
A.K: Arseholio!
Audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahah
Me: NO! With the great Heihachi (god, I feel like a suck-up now!)
Hei: (on stage) Good evening, is everyone ready to be amazed?
Audience unenthusiastic like before: Yes.
Hei: My first act is a disappearing act.
Kaz: Yes! Make yourself disappear!
Wang: I agree with your boy on this one!
Hei: You fool! I do have an assistant! Your wife!
Jun: er, hi
Kaz + Jin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hei: She will enter the box …
(Jun enters box)
Hei: …and when I say the magic words, A-bra-cadab-bra!
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man!
Baek: You can say that again!
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man
Forest: Hehehehe
Paul: heheheheheh, yeah, hehehehehe
Hwoar: huhhuh, uhuhuhuhuh
(Puff of smoke)
Kaz: Nah, that's just dad
Hei: Shut up you frog! (Clears throat & opens box), hey presto! She's gone!
Jin: MMOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jun: (appearing from under the stage) Yes?
Hei: Dammit! My act is foiled!
A.K: Crikey! That was a crap magic act, weren't it mate?
King: Yeah mate, totally doolally! Want a brew?
A.K: Go ahead then mate!
Lei: Now their Australian! Jesus Christ mate! Now they've got me doing it!
Anna: Nina would know about doing it!
Nina: (beep) off (beep)
Anna: (beep) you!
(Nina slaps Anna and a catfight starts)
Paul: Wahey!
Me: Oi, stop that before I kill both of you! (Shows semi-automatic from earlier)
(Nina and Anna stop)
Paul: You spoilsport!
Me: Hey, Nina! Anna! Paul stares at you in the shower!
Nina + Anna: WHAAATTTTT?!?!?!
Paul: Tekkenicus, I really hate you!
Me: I know, mwahahahahahahahaha
(Paul gets kicked in the sensitive area-twice!)
Paul: (high-pitched) aaawwww maattteee!
Forest: (laughs so hard that he rolls right onto the stage)
Me: And now Forest Law showing his skills.
Forest: Hehehehe-WHAT?
Audience: WEEEEE'REEEEE WAAAAIIIITTTTIINNNNGGGG!
Hwoar: Agh! The whole audience is Sonic the Hedgehog!
Bruce: Yo, shut up crack head!
Hwoar: I'm not a druggie!
Jin: What about that time where you-
Hwoar (interrupting): Don't-you-dare!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: No!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: Zip it!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: Zip!
Forest: Umm, okay, skills, er…anyone seen my one-inch punch?
Faint Voice: That was Bruce Lee's own move, sucker!
Forest: Thanks for your support!
Faint Voice: Your welcome (
Forest: I give up! (storms off stage, fuming)
Me: Ok, so er, moving on…
Michelle: I've been quiet too long now. Gimme a line!
Me: You've just had 1 now.
Michelle: Oh
Kunimitsu: What about me?
Yoshimitsu: And me!
Ganryu: We're being neglected!
Alex: hisssssss (Yeah)
Roger: (makes kangaroo sounds)
Me: Fine, I'll add y'all in an act. A dancing act.
Michelle + Everyone else mentioned after her up to me: WHAT!?
Me: Yeah,. That's right, a dancing act. So get up on stage!
Ganryu: But I can't dance.
Kunimitsu: And my toe hurts,
Yoshimitsu: And my hand hurts
Me: You haven't got a hand, it's artificial!
Yoshimitsu: The other one!
Me: Oh
Alex: nnnraaoorg (and I'm an animal so I can't dance)
Roger: brbrbl (me too)
Me: It's either dancing or not being mentioned for a while.
Michelle: I can go with the dance
Ganryu + Kuni + Yoshi: Not us!
Roger + Alex: animal sounds
Michelle: Fine, I'll dance on my own! (goes up on stage)
Me: Ok then. Our next act is Michelle doing the exact dance to this music.
Michelle: Bring it on boy!
Me: (puts on Run DMC Vs Jason Nevins: 'It's like that')
Michelle: Breakdancing?
Me: Backing down now?
Kaz: No one is allowed to be more evil then me! Grrrrrrrr
Hei: Or me!
Toshin: Or me!
Michelle: Forget it, I won't do it
Eddy: I will (goes up on stage and breakdances)
Audience: Ooooooooh aaaaahhhhhhhhh
A.K: Jesus Christ mate! 'e's spinnin' faster then a spinning top!
King: Y'right guv'nor! 'e's like a bolas!
Paul: Oh God, what's next? 'Ripper strikes in Whitechapel'?
King (holding Jin): Booooyyy for sale, who'll buy my booooyy for sale?
Jin: Mama!
Jun: Let him go (gives cold glare & King lets go)
Bruce: King man, you're a pu-
Me: Don't go there!
Eddy: Can I stop now?
Faint Voice: no!
Me: Yes
Audience: No!
Eddy: I'll go with Tek's word
Audience: Ooooooooh bugger!
Paul: Now they've got the audience doing it! Boohoohoo
Xiaoyu: You've got problems? I had to disconec-
Jin: AH-HEM!
Xiaoyu: er, disconnect an umbilical cord with my mouth once!
Julia: Ewwwww
Forest: Gross
Bruce: maaaaannn!
A.K: Bloody 'ell!
King: Jesus Christ!
Alex: rrooooaaaaaarrrr
Me: Shut it everyone!
(everyone shuts up)
Me: Now, moving on, some impressions by Armor King.
A.K: You better laugh. Hey, it's that some fish 'n chips you got there, Tek mate?
Me: Er, yes
A.K: Flat out mate, flat out! (takes a handful of chips)
Me: Oi!
A.K: Here's my impression of Kurt Angle. (clears throat) 'I'm gonna drink my milk'
Audience: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Paul: Woohehehehehehehehe
Kaz: Hehehehehehehehehee
Jin: Who's Kurt Angle?
Kaz: Get with the program boy, don't you watch WWF?
Jin: The World Wide Fund?
Kaz: I despair! I honestly do!
Michelle: Yeah right!
Kaz: What was that? (gets out mobile which has the number to soldiers outside the Chang house)
Michelle: N-nothing. (
Kaz: Good :o)
A.K: And here's Hwoarang (clears throat) #Waarrninng# (in croaky nicotine-y voice)
Jin: hahahahahahahhahahaha
Xiaoyu: hhehehehehehehehehhe
Hwoar: OI! I'm gonna break your (beep)ing balls man!
A.K: Don't even try it mate!
Hwoar: I was talking to Jin
Jin: Huh?
Hei: Who?
Paul: What?
Faint Voice: how?
Jin: Why me?
Hwoar: Cos u laughed at me, you (beep) stard!
Jun: Stop swearing!
Hwoar: And what are you gonna do 'bout it?
Kaz: Maybe not her, but I can :o(
Hwoar: Jus' try it man!
Kaz: Alright then (smashes Hwoarang on the stage, into Armor King)
A.K: Oi! Watch it mate! You nearly 'it me!
Hwoar: Who gives a-
Me: sausage
Hwoar: Huh? What you talking 'bout, you repressed shi-
Me: ship head
Hwoar: Shut up man
Me: No, it's my play!
Jin: I'll settle this. Ooooooooh Hwoaaaaaraannnnggg (dangles a pack of Marlboro in his hands)
Hwoar: Ciggies! Gimme gimme gimme!
Hei: #a man after midnight!#
Wang: Abba? What a sad group of losers!
Hei: And what do you prefer dirty old man? Daphne & Celeste?
Wang (looking nervous): n-n-no
Faint Voice: Wang masturbates to Daphne & Celeste!
(Wang throws shoe at guy/gal who owns the faint voice)
Faint Voice: Ow
Wang: That'll teach you!
Kunimitsu: My face is sweaty, how come my face is sweaty?
Yoshimitsu: Because you wear that damn mask 24/7
Kunimitsu: I thought it was Manji law
Yoshimitsu: Yes but since when has a person gone by the rules anyway?
Kunimitsu: So, shall I take it off?
(suddenly all the males' get interested)
Kunimitsu: Not in that sense!
Male Members of Audience: Ooh bugger!
Yoshimitsu: Nah
Me: But I wanna know what she looks like!
Yoshimitsu: Well tough! You ain't getting' a free peep show!
Me: It's her face!
Yoshimitsu: Not that type of peep show! You randy bugger!
Me: grrrrrr-
King: raaaaaaahhhhh-
Alex: aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!
A.K: Can I leave now?
Me: (sigh) yes
A.K: Thank God! (leaves hall. Sound of an opening and closing door fills the room as does the rev of a car engine afterwards)
King: I don't think he's coming back
Hwoar (smoking on 10 cigarettes at a time): No (beep) Sherlock!
Jun: I said no swearing!
Hwoar: Fu-
Me: uh-uh, she said no swearing
Hwoar: Why are you taking orders from her anyway?
Me: She has good connections (gives thumbs up to Kazuya)
Kaz: (
Me: And now our final act.
Everyone: YYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!! OH WE WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS, EVERYDAAAAYYY.
Me: SHUT IT!
(Everyone goes quiet)
Xiaoyu: Meany!
Kaz + Hei + Toshin + Devil: What did you call me?
Angel: Siiiiilllent niiiggghht
Me: Angel, not now!
Angel: hmph!
Bryan: Anyone noticed that Angel looks like Carrie?
Bruce: Carrie?
Bryan: Y'know, Carrie, the girl from Stephen King's 1st book
Bruce: Man, I don't read stuff like that!
Baek: I bet you don't!
Angel: Who compared me to Carrie?
Bryan: er, Bruce did!
Bruce: Didn't!
Angel: I don't care, as long as that's done with. I am not Carrie White!
(bucket of blood drops from above the stage and spills it's contents all over Angel, who has a look of surprise)
Bryan: Told you she looks like Carrie!
Faint Voice: Everybody out quick! Before she electrocutes and burns us!
Angel: That's it! Who are you o owner of the faint voice?
Faint Voice: I'm Unknown
Angel: Don't play games!
Devil: er, Angel?
Angel (to Devil): Zip it!
Devil: Fine then ;o(
Unknown: But I am
Angel: If you don't tell me your real name then I'll blast you!
Unknown: But I am Unknown!!!!
Angel: That's it! (blasts Unknown and makes her fall on Wang's lap)
Wang: Well hellllloooo ;o)
Unknown: gwah
Angel: Oops, it's the Tekken Tag boss! (starts to pray)
Devil: Not again! That's it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! (runs out of hall. Again opening and closing doors and car revs follow)
Angel: Devil! (goes after Devil)
Wang (horny): Is it me? or is that paint you're wearing?
Unknown: Uh-oh
Wang: Hehehehe ;o)
Unknown: AZZZZOOOORRRR!
(big wolf thing that hangs out with Unknown, which, according to research, is called Azor, appears)
Azor: Gruff
Wang: Ooh Bugger x (
Unknown: Get 'im! (points to Wang)
Azor: grrrrrrrrrrruufff
Wang: aaaaaaaaaarrgggghhhhhh! (runs out of hall, with Azor on his tail)
Hei: A gay dog? That's already been done! CLICHÉ!
Unknown: It's not gay!
Me: Not that type of tail Heihachi you-
Kaz: I'll handle his insults thank you very much!, ahem, 'you old dirty fart'
Hei: Whhhhyyy yooouuuuu!
Kaz: Nina (clicks fingers as if showing the drill)
(Nina nods and kicks Heihachi in the balls)
Lei: This sucks, I'm going home! (leaves hall)
Bruce: Me too, Lei's got my ride!
Bryan: Me 3
Xiaoyu (to Jin, Hwoarang and Julia): (yawn) See you later at school guys
Hwoar: Ok
Julia: Bye Ling
Jin: Cheerio
Xiaoyu: Toodles
Hwoar: 'Cheerio' and 'Toodles'? has everyone turned British now?
King (holding 19th century chimney sweep, aged 12): Booooooyyyyy fooooorrrr saaaaaalllllleeeeee
Jun: (gasp) how could you? You're an orphanage owner!
King: Oh yeah! Soz kiddo
19th Century Chimney Sweep, aged 12 mouthful: You better be you nincompoop! I'm going back to me time era for me bowl of gruel. ('Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped' style thingy appears and boy jumps in it and disappears)
Kaz: (looks at watch) ooh (beep), We're missing 'Robot Wars'! Quick! Before we miss the first two rounds (runs out of hall)
Hei: Wait for me! (runs after Kazuya)
Jun: Kaz! (goes after her husband)
Jin: Least I don't have to go.
Jun: Jin!
Jin: Oooohhhhhh goshdarnit! (leaves hall)
Julia: Wait Jin! There's something I have to tell you! (runs after Jin)
Hwoar: (yawn) this sucks Ganryu's fat ass! I'm going
Ganryu: WHAAATTT? (jumps towards Hwoarang)
Michelle: FLY FATASS FLY!
(Kunimitsu and Yoshimitsu stare at Michelle)
Michelle: It was from WCW! General Erection and stuff, y'know
Yoshimitsu: I only watch Sumo wrestling
Kunimitsu: And I'm more of a WWF fan
Michelle: hmph! (leaves in a huff)
Ganryu (with his hands round Hwoarang's neck): Huh? Wait! MIIIICCCHHHHEEEEELLLLEEEEE!
Audience: YEEEEYYYYYYYYYY! (thunderous applause)
Me: Ganryu wins the Talent show for his dramatisation as Marlon Brando in 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (throws trophy to Ganryu)
Ganryu: Thanks (runs after Michelle like a whale towards a beach)
Me: Wait, Robot Wars is on? Uh oh, gotta go! (leaves hall, sounds of opening & closing doors & rev of a car ensue again)
Kunimitsu: …
Yoshimitsu: …
Baek: …
Audience: …I think I'll leave now (leaves hall with sounds of photographers and reporters as soon as he/she reaches the doors)
Baek: Er, me too (runs out of hall to get some spotlight)
(Everyone else leaves apart from Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu)
Kunimitsu: …
Yoshimitsu: …
Kunimitsu: … so, ummm, you wanna?
Yoshimitsu: Might as well
(Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu take off their masks, revealing themselves to be Posh Spice and David Beckham in disguise)
Posh: Fooled them didn't we?
Becks: Yeah, and they say I'm dumb as plank short 2's
Posh: It's 2 short planks David
Becks: Oh
Posh: …
Becks: …
Posh: …let's leave
Becks: Ok Princess (leaves hall through 'entrance' door)
Posh: (sigh) one day he's gonna have to learn (leaves hall through exit door)
(silence follows, with the sound of the lone janitor cleaning up the mess)
Janitor: Show's over folks, best leave if you know what good for you mwahahahahahahahahahaha
(Hall suddenly bursts into flames, janitor gets electrocuted suddenly and all the chairs burst into flames)
Carrie (from Stephen King novel): Why does this always happen? Dammit!
Fine
By Tekkenicus (or 'that freaky guy from da Stourport High').
Kazuya (Kaz): Nice title, not!
Heihachi (Hei): Shut up you idiotic boy!
Me: Well, I tried. Anyway, this is a story about a talent show with the Tekken guys & gals. With the well renowned audience who has starred in so many live shows & theatre plays.
Audience: (applauses) oh you're too kind!
Me: And other famous stars which will be mentioned as we go along.
Hei: (whining) Tell us now!!
Me: Nah
Hei: Go on!
Me: No
Hei: go ooonnnn!
Me: Nnooooo!
Paul: Just get on with it already, Christ!
Me: Ok, ok, here's our first act. It's Jin Kazama trying out some comedy.
Kaz: No problem there, he is a big joke y'know!
Hei: hahahahahahahaa, too right!
(Jin sniffles)
Audience: aaaaawwwwwwwww
Jun: How dare you speak that way! (smacks both of them upside the head)
Hei+Kaz+Jun: Ow!
Kaz: Why did you go Ow?
Jun: Your spikes cut my hand.
Kaz: But I've only got one.
Jun: Yours & Heihachi's.
Hei: Who?
Jin: HEY! I'm trying to perform here.
Kaz: Fine
Jin: Anyway, this guys walks into a bar & uhhhhhh, ummm
Faint Voice: he goes ouch.
Audience: …
Kaz: That wasn't funny
Jun: Er, hahaha
Hei: Put some energy into it boy!
Kaz: hey, he's my son!
Me: Oi, Big Mishima & Mini Mishima, shut it!
Kaz+Hei: Fine!
Jin: And, ummm, this guy styles his hair into 2 spikes but shaves off the hair in the middle & I ask him 'Why do you have hair like that?' and he replies 'Because baldness equals virility'. Well, your not very virile at 70 years old are you?
(everyone laughs)
Hei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a fool that guy must've been!
Kaz: HAHAHA, I'd say! It's you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hei: HAHA-HEY!
Paul: hehehehehehehehehehehe
Hwoarang (Hwoar): uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh
Xiaoyu: Ladies & Gentlemen, it's Beavis and Butthead!
Jin: Also, his son styles his hair into a widow's peak kinda thing. More like poofter's peak if you ask me.
Audience: Hehehehehehehehehee
Kaz: HEY!
Jun: Jin, it's not nice to make fun of family members!
Jin: Sorry mom.
Hwoar: Momma's boy!
Me: Moving on…
Jin: I haven't finished!
Me: Who cares? We're moving on
Jin: Ooh bugger!
Me: Now, a little movie made by King called 'Wildlife One on One'
Hei: Wahey! Porn!
Jun: (gasp) you dirty old man
Hei: Nah, that's just Wang
Wang: Why you (beep), I'll beat the (beep) out of you!
Jun: Stop swearing!
Me: Don't worry, I'll keep the swearing out.
Jun: Oh, ok (
Me: The movie starts….now!
David Attenborough type voice from Movie: 'Here we have the Jaguar Wrestler Priest, or Panthera religious wrestleris, and tells us whom he would want to have a one on one with'
Hei: Here it comes
Paul: Soon to be 'Here I (beep)'
King (on movie): 'The person who'd I'd like to have a one on one with, is Mick Foley'
Audience: ….oh
Kaz: So it's that type of one on one
Hei: Dammit!
King: 'I'd ask him how he lost his ear & how many injuries he had in a whole career' (movie shows King talking to Krist Novoselic from Nirvana, who looked like Mick Foley when he had a beard)
Hwoar: KRRRRRIIIIIISSSSTTTTT!
Jin: -TAAAAALLLLLLLL!
Armor King (A.K): Shut it you juvenile delinquents!
Hwoar+Jin: (eyes go watery and do that anime type wobble as if they're gonna cry)
Paul: Theeeeyyy'rreeee gonnnnaaaa crrrryyyyyyy!
A.K: You, Vanilla Ice look-alike, shut your cakehole!
Lei: Armor King's English? Wow!
A.K: I'm not English, & if you say that again then I'm gonna 'ave to beat ya up mate.
King: 'And that is my one on one' (movie ends)
Hei: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Nina, you know the drill.
(Nina nods & she kicks Heihachi square in his impotent balls)
Hei: (high-pitched) aaaaawwww maatttteee!
Kaz: WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
A.K: Bloody 'ell!
Paul: *winces
Me: Stop it!
Hei: (still high pitched) I'm gonna get everyone for this.
Kaz: (making fun by talking in a high-pitched voice) aww, what you gonna do?
Me: STOP IT OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!! (shows semi-automatic)
(Everyone quietens)
Me: There, now, a performance by some group, er, they're called…Mon-day?
(Monday, made up of Hwoarang & some of his bike gang, appear on stage)
Paul: Gerroff the stage!
Hwoar: Up yours!
Jin: (to Xiaoyu) Man, everyone's ears' are gonna bleed tonight, I know, I heard them play
Xiaoyu: What are we gonna do then?
Jin: I've got an idea, listen (Jin whispers his plot)
Xiaoyu: Ok, I think I can do that (runs backstage)
Julia: Where's she off to?
Jin: nervous Er, umm, nowhere! Nowhere at all.
Hwoar: speaking in microphone IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK?
Audience: unenthusiastically yes.
Hwoar: I SAID 'IS EVERYONE READY TO ROCK'?
Audience: still unenthusiastically: YES.
Hwoar: An' a 1, an' a 2
Nina: She does it more then that!
Anna: (beep) off
Hwoar: An' a -
(Power goes out & everyone talks in surprise)
A.K: Bloody 'ell! Where'd all the lights go?
Lei: Who turned the lights off?
Bryan: click, click-click-click
Lei: Who turned the lights off?
Hwoar: Shut up back there!
Jun: (holds tightly onto Kazuya)
Kaz: (thoughts) thank you darkness! (
(Power returns but Monday's instruments are gone)
Band member 1: Hey, where's my bass?
Band member 2: And my drums.
Band member 3: And my amphetamines.
Lei: Who said 'amphetamines'? (Shows badge)
Band member 3: erm, not me!
Hwoar: Least I can still sing
Me: Go ahead then.
Hwoar: (clears throat) #Waaaarnnninnnnggg#
Audience: BOOOOOOOOO (throws rotten vegetables)
Hwoar: You buncha (beep), I'm gonna kick your (beep)ing (beep) in so hard that Jimmy Saville couldn't (beep)ing fix it!
Me: Moving on…
Jin: (mumbling) yes, it worked!
Julia: What was that?
Jin: er, nothing, just coughing.
Me: Now, a magic act with the great-
A.K: Arseholio!
Audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahah
Me: NO! With the great Heihachi (god, I feel like a suck-up now!)
Hei: (on stage) Good evening, is everyone ready to be amazed?
Audience unenthusiastic like before: Yes.
Hei: My first act is a disappearing act.
Kaz: Yes! Make yourself disappear!
Wang: I agree with your boy on this one!
Hei: You fool! I do have an assistant! Your wife!
Jun: er, hi
Kaz + Jin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hei: She will enter the box …
(Jun enters box)
Hei: …and when I say the magic words, A-bra-cadab-bra!
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man!
Baek: You can say that again!
Michelle: Ew! Sick old man
Forest: Hehehehe
Paul: heheheheheh, yeah, hehehehehe
Hwoar: huhhuh, uhuhuhuhuh
(Puff of smoke)
Kaz: Nah, that's just dad
Hei: Shut up you frog! (Clears throat & opens box), hey presto! She's gone!
Jin: MMOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jun: (appearing from under the stage) Yes?
Hei: Dammit! My act is foiled!
A.K: Crikey! That was a crap magic act, weren't it mate?
King: Yeah mate, totally doolally! Want a brew?
A.K: Go ahead then mate!
Lei: Now their Australian! Jesus Christ mate! Now they've got me doing it!
Anna: Nina would know about doing it!
Nina: (beep) off (beep)
Anna: (beep) you!
(Nina slaps Anna and a catfight starts)
Paul: Wahey!
Me: Oi, stop that before I kill both of you! (Shows semi-automatic from earlier)
(Nina and Anna stop)
Paul: You spoilsport!
Me: Hey, Nina! Anna! Paul stares at you in the shower!
Nina + Anna: WHAAATTTTT?!?!?!
Paul: Tekkenicus, I really hate you!
Me: I know, mwahahahahahahahaha
(Paul gets kicked in the sensitive area-twice!)
Paul: (high-pitched) aaawwww maattteee!
Forest: (laughs so hard that he rolls right onto the stage)
Me: And now Forest Law showing his skills.
Forest: Hehehehe-WHAT?
Audience: WEEEEE'REEEEE WAAAAIIIITTTTIINNNNGGGG!
Hwoar: Agh! The whole audience is Sonic the Hedgehog!
Bruce: Yo, shut up crack head!
Hwoar: I'm not a druggie!
Jin: What about that time where you-
Hwoar (interrupting): Don't-you-dare!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: No!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: Zip it!
Jin: But-
Hwoar: Zip!
Forest: Umm, okay, skills, er…anyone seen my one-inch punch?
Faint Voice: That was Bruce Lee's own move, sucker!
Forest: Thanks for your support!
Faint Voice: Your welcome (
Forest: I give up! (storms off stage, fuming)
Me: Ok, so er, moving on…
Michelle: I've been quiet too long now. Gimme a line!
Me: You've just had 1 now.
Michelle: Oh
Kunimitsu: What about me?
Yoshimitsu: And me!
Ganryu: We're being neglected!
Alex: hisssssss (Yeah)
Roger: (makes kangaroo sounds)
Me: Fine, I'll add y'all in an act. A dancing act.
Michelle + Everyone else mentioned after her up to me: WHAT!?
Me: Yeah,. That's right, a dancing act. So get up on stage!
Ganryu: But I can't dance.
Kunimitsu: And my toe hurts,
Yoshimitsu: And my hand hurts
Me: You haven't got a hand, it's artificial!
Yoshimitsu: The other one!
Me: Oh
Alex: nnnraaoorg (and I'm an animal so I can't dance)
Roger: brbrbl (me too)
Me: It's either dancing or not being mentioned for a while.
Michelle: I can go with the dance
Ganryu + Kuni + Yoshi: Not us!
Roger + Alex: animal sounds
Michelle: Fine, I'll dance on my own! (goes up on stage)
Me: Ok then. Our next act is Michelle doing the exact dance to this music.
Michelle: Bring it on boy!
Me: (puts on Run DMC Vs Jason Nevins: 'It's like that')
Michelle: Breakdancing?
Me: Backing down now?
Kaz: No one is allowed to be more evil then me! Grrrrrrrr
Hei: Or me!
Toshin: Or me!
Michelle: Forget it, I won't do it
Eddy: I will (goes up on stage and breakdances)
Audience: Ooooooooh aaaaahhhhhhhhh
A.K: Jesus Christ mate! 'e's spinnin' faster then a spinning top!
King: Y'right guv'nor! 'e's like a bolas!
Paul: Oh God, what's next? 'Ripper strikes in Whitechapel'?
King (holding Jin): Booooyyy for sale, who'll buy my booooyy for sale?
Jin: Mama!
Jun: Let him go (gives cold glare & King lets go)
Bruce: King man, you're a pu-
Me: Don't go there!
Eddy: Can I stop now?
Faint Voice: no!
Me: Yes
Audience: No!
Eddy: I'll go with Tek's word
Audience: Ooooooooh bugger!
Paul: Now they've got the audience doing it! Boohoohoo
Xiaoyu: You've got problems? I had to disconec-
Jin: AH-HEM!
Xiaoyu: er, disconnect an umbilical cord with my mouth once!
Julia: Ewwwww
Forest: Gross
Bruce: maaaaannn!
A.K: Bloody 'ell!
King: Jesus Christ!
Alex: rrooooaaaaaarrrr
Me: Shut it everyone!
(everyone shuts up)
Me: Now, moving on, some impressions by Armor King.
A.K: You better laugh. Hey, it's that some fish 'n chips you got there, Tek mate?
Me: Er, yes
A.K: Flat out mate, flat out! (takes a handful of chips)
Me: Oi!
A.K: Here's my impression of Kurt Angle. (clears throat) 'I'm gonna drink my milk'
Audience: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Paul: Woohehehehehehehehe
Kaz: Hehehehehehehehehee
Jin: Who's Kurt Angle?
Kaz: Get with the program boy, don't you watch WWF?
Jin: The World Wide Fund?
Kaz: I despair! I honestly do!
Michelle: Yeah right!
Kaz: What was that? (gets out mobile which has the number to soldiers outside the Chang house)
Michelle: N-nothing. (
Kaz: Good :o)
A.K: And here's Hwoarang (clears throat) #Waarrninng# (in croaky nicotine-y voice)
Jin: hahahahahahahhahahaha
Xiaoyu: hhehehehehehehehehhe
Hwoar: OI! I'm gonna break your (beep)ing balls man!
A.K: Don't even try it mate!
Hwoar: I was talking to Jin
Jin: Huh?
Hei: Who?
Paul: What?
Faint Voice: how?
Jin: Why me?
Hwoar: Cos u laughed at me, you (beep) stard!
Jun: Stop swearing!
Hwoar: And what are you gonna do 'bout it?
Kaz: Maybe not her, but I can :o(
Hwoar: Jus' try it man!
Kaz: Alright then (smashes Hwoarang on the stage, into Armor King)
A.K: Oi! Watch it mate! You nearly 'it me!
Hwoar: Who gives a-
Me: sausage
Hwoar: Huh? What you talking 'bout, you repressed shi-
Me: ship head
Hwoar: Shut up man
Me: No, it's my play!
Jin: I'll settle this. Ooooooooh Hwoaaaaaraannnnggg (dangles a pack of Marlboro in his hands)
Hwoar: Ciggies! Gimme gimme gimme!
Hei: #a man after midnight!#
Wang: Abba? What a sad group of losers!
Hei: And what do you prefer dirty old man? Daphne & Celeste?
Wang (looking nervous): n-n-no
Faint Voice: Wang masturbates to Daphne & Celeste!
(Wang throws shoe at guy/gal who owns the faint voice)
Faint Voice: Ow
Wang: That'll teach you!
Kunimitsu: My face is sweaty, how come my face is sweaty?
Yoshimitsu: Because you wear that damn mask 24/7
Kunimitsu: I thought it was Manji law
Yoshimitsu: Yes but since when has a person gone by the rules anyway?
Kunimitsu: So, shall I take it off?
(suddenly all the males' get interested)
Kunimitsu: Not in that sense!
Male Members of Audience: Ooh bugger!
Yoshimitsu: Nah
Me: But I wanna know what she looks like!
Yoshimitsu: Well tough! You ain't getting' a free peep show!
Me: It's her face!
Yoshimitsu: Not that type of peep show! You randy bugger!
Me: grrrrrr-
King: raaaaaaahhhhh-
Alex: aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!
A.K: Can I leave now?
Me: (sigh) yes
A.K: Thank God! (leaves hall. Sound of an opening and closing door fills the room as does the rev of a car engine afterwards)
King: I don't think he's coming back
Hwoar (smoking on 10 cigarettes at a time): No (beep) Sherlock!
Jun: I said no swearing!
Hwoar: Fu-
Me: uh-uh, she said no swearing
Hwoar: Why are you taking orders from her anyway?
Me: She has good connections (gives thumbs up to Kazuya)
Kaz: (
Me: And now our final act.
Everyone: YYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!! OH WE WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS, EVERYDAAAAYYY.
Me: SHUT IT!
(Everyone goes quiet)
Xiaoyu: Meany!
Kaz + Hei + Toshin + Devil: What did you call me?
Angel: Siiiiilllent niiiggghht
Me: Angel, not now!
Angel: hmph!
Bryan: Anyone noticed that Angel looks like Carrie?
Bruce: Carrie?
Bryan: Y'know, Carrie, the girl from Stephen King's 1st book
Bruce: Man, I don't read stuff like that!
Baek: I bet you don't!
Angel: Who compared me to Carrie?
Bryan: er, Bruce did!
Bruce: Didn't!
Angel: I don't care, as long as that's done with. I am not Carrie White!
(bucket of blood drops from above the stage and spills it's contents all over Angel, who has a look of surprise)
Bryan: Told you she looks like Carrie!
Faint Voice: Everybody out quick! Before she electrocutes and burns us!
Angel: That's it! Who are you o owner of the faint voice?
Faint Voice: I'm Unknown
Angel: Don't play games!
Devil: er, Angel?
Angel (to Devil): Zip it!
Devil: Fine then ;o(
Unknown: But I am
Angel: If you don't tell me your real name then I'll blast you!
Unknown: But I am Unknown!!!!
Angel: That's it! (blasts Unknown and makes her fall on Wang's lap)
Wang: Well hellllloooo ;o)
Unknown: gwah
Angel: Oops, it's the Tekken Tag boss! (starts to pray)
Devil: Not again! That's it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! (runs out of hall. Again opening and closing doors and car revs follow)
Angel: Devil! (goes after Devil)
Wang (horny): Is it me? or is that paint you're wearing?
Unknown: Uh-oh
Wang: Hehehehe ;o)
Unknown: AZZZZOOOORRRR!
(big wolf thing that hangs out with Unknown, which, according to research, is called Azor, appears)
Azor: Gruff
Wang: Ooh Bugger x (
Unknown: Get 'im! (points to Wang)
Azor: grrrrrrrrrrruufff
Wang: aaaaaaaaaarrgggghhhhhh! (runs out of hall, with Azor on his tail)
Hei: A gay dog? That's already been done! CLICHÉ!
Unknown: It's not gay!
Me: Not that type of tail Heihachi you-
Kaz: I'll handle his insults thank you very much!, ahem, 'you old dirty fart'
Hei: Whhhhyyy yooouuuuu!
Kaz: Nina (clicks fingers as if showing the drill)
(Nina nods and kicks Heihachi in the balls)
Lei: This sucks, I'm going home! (leaves hall)
Bruce: Me too, Lei's got my ride!
Bryan: Me 3
Xiaoyu (to Jin, Hwoarang and Julia): (yawn) See you later at school guys
Hwoar: Ok
Julia: Bye Ling
Jin: Cheerio
Xiaoyu: Toodles
Hwoar: 'Cheerio' and 'Toodles'? has everyone turned British now?
King (holding 19th century chimney sweep, aged 12): Booooooyyyyy fooooorrrr saaaaaalllllleeeeee
Jun: (gasp) how could you? You're an orphanage owner!
King: Oh yeah! Soz kiddo
19th Century Chimney Sweep, aged 12 mouthful: You better be you nincompoop! I'm going back to me time era for me bowl of gruel. ('Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped' style thingy appears and boy jumps in it and disappears)
Kaz: (looks at watch) ooh (beep), We're missing 'Robot Wars'! Quick! Before we miss the first two rounds (runs out of hall)
Hei: Wait for me! (runs after Kazuya)
Jun: Kaz! (goes after her husband)
Jin: Least I don't have to go.
Jun: Jin!
Jin: Oooohhhhhh goshdarnit! (leaves hall)
Julia: Wait Jin! There's something I have to tell you! (runs after Jin)
Hwoar: (yawn) this sucks Ganryu's fat ass! I'm going
Ganryu: WHAAATTT? (jumps towards Hwoarang)
Michelle: FLY FATASS FLY!
(Kunimitsu and Yoshimitsu stare at Michelle)
Michelle: It was from WCW! General Erection and stuff, y'know
Yoshimitsu: I only watch Sumo wrestling
Kunimitsu: And I'm more of a WWF fan
Michelle: hmph! (leaves in a huff)
Ganryu (with his hands round Hwoarang's neck): Huh? Wait! MIIIICCCHHHHEEEEELLLLEEEEE!
Audience: YEEEEYYYYYYYYYY! (thunderous applause)
Me: Ganryu wins the Talent show for his dramatisation as Marlon Brando in 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (throws trophy to Ganryu)
Ganryu: Thanks (runs after Michelle like a whale towards a beach)
Me: Wait, Robot Wars is on? Uh oh, gotta go! (leaves hall, sounds of opening & closing doors & rev of a car ensue again)
Kunimitsu: …
Yoshimitsu: …
Baek: …
Audience: …I think I'll leave now (leaves hall with sounds of photographers and reporters as soon as he/she reaches the doors)
Baek: Er, me too (runs out of hall to get some spotlight)
(Everyone else leaves apart from Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu)
Kunimitsu: …
Yoshimitsu: …
Kunimitsu: … so, ummm, you wanna?
Yoshimitsu: Might as well
(Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu take off their masks, revealing themselves to be Posh Spice and David Beckham in disguise)
Posh: Fooled them didn't we?
Becks: Yeah, and they say I'm dumb as plank short 2's
Posh: It's 2 short planks David
Becks: Oh
Posh: …
Becks: …
Posh: …let's leave
Becks: Ok Princess (leaves hall through 'entrance' door)
Posh: (sigh) one day he's gonna have to learn (leaves hall through exit door)
(silence follows, with the sound of the lone janitor cleaning up the mess)
Janitor: Show's over folks, best leave if you know what good for you mwahahahahahahahahahaha
(Hall suddenly bursts into flames, janitor gets electrocuted suddenly and all the chairs burst into flames)
Carrie (from Stephen King novel): Why does this always happen? Dammit!
Fine