The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:
A Dossier
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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.
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Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?
This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.
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Commander Tempest Shepard
SSV Normandy SR2
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Keystroke Log:
Mom,
I was totally just inside a reaper. don't worry, it was dead, more or less. It was weird though. And we had to crash it into the planet core to get out. wtf is my life.
I wasn't scared or anything beucase Joker really is as good as he says, but still. why can't I go on a mission and not almost die?
Also we picked up a geth over there. It said my name and is wearing my armor. nope, not weird at all. wtf.
it wants to be part of the crew so I said okay (id question my sanity if I wasn't already def crazy) but when I ask about why its wearing my armor it keeps saying "no data available" and that's definitely bullshit. ….geth can lie, right?
/TEXT FILE SAVED/
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Messages Received:
From: Legion
To: Commander Shepard
Shepard-Commander,
Legion has sent you a MercWars invitation.
Do you accept?
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Messages Sent:
From: Shepard
To: Legion
I HATE MERCS!
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Messages Received:
From: Legion
To: Commander Shepard
Shepard-Commander,
Legion has sent you a FarmVerse invitation.
Do you accept?
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Chat Transcript:
TempestuousShep: mlaws?
MLaws: …
TS: is it against regs to hang a swing in my room?
ML: Shepard, what would you
ML: Nevermind. I don't want to know.
TS: well?
ML: No!
TS: aw.
[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]
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Extranet Activity:
SEARCH: Human Turian chafing /MODIFIED/ Human Turian chafing not porn
PURCHASE: Cross-species lubricant, jumbo size
SUBSCRIPTION: Badass Weekly
DOWNLOAD: Commander Shepard VI patch v8.1 [software]
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Chat Transcript:
TempestuousShep: hey Tali..
Tali'Zorah Normandy: Hey, Shepard.
TZ: Do you need help with something?
TS: How did u know?
TS: Miranda blocked me.
TZ: And you want me to hack into the system and unblock you.
TS: preciesly!
TZ: Hang on.
[pause of 47.5 seconds]
TZ: There you go.
TS: thank u! You're a genius!
[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]
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Chat Transcript:
TS: Miri?
MLaws: How did you get yourself unblocked?
TS: I dunno
ML: I can't get anything done when you're messaging me.
TS: sorry. I'll be quiet.
[pause of 24.3 seconds]
TS: Psst.
ML: What is it now?!
TS: nevermind
[conversation terminated by MLaws]
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Extranet Activity:
DOWNLOAD: Kama Sutra for the Xenophile [book]
SEARCH: illusive man downfall
SEARCH: commander Shepard hero /MODIFIED/ commander Shepard superhero
DOWNLOAD: Shepard: Heroine from the Fringes of Space [comic book]
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Keystroke Log:
Damn, I even amaze myself sometimes.
/TEXT FILE SAVED/
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Chat Transcript:
TempestuousShep: mirandaa….
MLaws: What?
TS: can I throw a cocktail party
ML: I'm going to regret asking this, but why?
TS: 2 celebrate, duh! keep morale up
ML: You know, Shepard, after all the time and money invested in you, it's funny how much I want to kill you sometimes.
TS: thats not funny miri
TS: thats not a funny joke
TS: im hurt :(
ML: I didn't mean it, Shepard.
TS: lol jk I was messing with you
[conversation terminated by MLaws]
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Keystroke Log:
telling the illusive man to suck it was one of the best moments of my life.
/TEXT FILE SAVED/
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A/N: Working on this fanfic has been a blast, and I hope you've all enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews!
I also wanted to mention that, if you're interested in reading more on this particular Shepard, she is featured in my Starlight collection of stories. Though they tend to be more serious in nature, there are still comedic stories scattered throughout. Again, thank you for reading!