I decided, because I like to write late night and I'm completely bored right now, to write a one-shot honoring my favorite yaoi couple. SHIZAYA FOR LIFE! Ah, also, to keep Izaya silent for a little while longer about his new chapter fic... (Which is in the making. I'm just fine tuning it.) So, enjoy~!

Shinra's Diagnonsense

I admit, Shinra likes to get carried away sometimes with his suspicions... He loves to make everyone think what he thinks.

There was the time he kept trying to get me to call him 'Captain Kirk' during sex... I slapped him so hard it almost broke his glasses. It was fine though, because I used my shadows to fix the crack, and all was well.

His newest craze? Figuring out what's wrong with the fortissimo of Ikebukuro and the informant of Shinjuku.

I keep telling him those two are just in a never ending battle with each other. They are a classic case of unstoppable force meets immovable object. It's like the laws of physics or something. Shinra likes to argue with me on those too.

His obsession is figuring out why those two hate each other so much. He's told me countless times that they have no real reason to hate the other. It's just always been that way. I try to tell him that sometimes it's best not to question these things.

I mean honestly, if they weren't constantly at each other's throats, I woundn't know what to think.

Shinra likes to keep his constant observations. He's a bit of a...pervert.

I mean, I don't like to call him that! Don't get me wrong! Sometimes that's the only word I know for it! I love him, really!

Today he's across the table from me, babbling about it again.

"I'm telling you, Celty! If we could lock them up together, they'd be fine! he says as he shoves the omelet I made him down his throat.

I cock my...neck to the side, and he reads my non-existent expression like always.

"You're confused? Well, I forgot to tell you! I'm sorry, dearest! I've cracked it!" he yelps excitedly, finishing the food quickly and leaping to the other end of the table with me.

[Explain that please.] I type, still not understanding.

"If we could get them together, no weapons or anything nearby for Shizuo to throw, they would be fine in about...an hour." he informs me.

[Shinra, they would just choke each other.] I type.

"Celty, how many times have you been with them together? Have you never noticed how they act? Shizuo, especially."

[...]

"Alright, I'll explain. Have you noticed, how even though Shizuo constantly spouts he's going to kill Izaya, he never actually acts on it? Have you noticed that he knows where Izaya lives, and never attacks him there?"

Come to think of it, I have noticed that. I've also noticed that they have each other's numbers in their phones. Shizuo is 'Brute' in Izaya's phone, and he is 'Flea' in Shizuo's.

[Yes.]

"Exactly! Also, Izaya is an informant! He has Yakuza connections, and never tries to put a hit on Shizuo! Celty, I don't think they hate each other." he finishes, his glasses glinting.

I just stare at him in my non-existent way. Shinra has some sort or weird method for knowing what I'm thinking. Just to be clear, I spell it out for him anyway.

[I have no clue what you're talking about.]

He grins at me deviously and sits on the edge of the table, facing me.

"Celty, I think Shizuo and Izaya need to have sex. And from the way their fights are escalating, I'd say it needs to be soon."

[...WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?]

"Oh, come on! You don't see the crazy amounts of sexual tension there? I noticed it back in high school, but I shrugged it off! I said to myself, 'Shinra, there's no way! You're seeing things!' Now I know that has to be the case! If we can get them to have sex, their fights will calm down!"

I send my shadows after him, over his mouth. Why would he say these insane things? It couldn't be true! I've been friends with them for years! I just talked to Shizuo yesterday!

Of course...he did ask me about Izaya. He always asks me about him. He wanted to know where I was meeting him later. I told him I didn't know, because I didn't want them to fight.

Izaya is more subtle in his methods. He pumps me for information on Shizuo by talking nonchalantly about our friendship.

They are constantly obsessing over the other... They never seem to have a love life of their own. But...is Shinra right?

"C'mon, Celty! Let's just lock them together and-"

[I'm in, but if we lock them together, I want to conduct my own experiment first.]

"Ooooh, I love when you get so devious~! Let's go to bed and-" my fist cuts him off.

Our plan to capture them? By not capturing them. Shinra asks Izaya over, and I ask Shizuo. Shinra has a basement in a building downtown he likes to use to conduct experiments. We both meet the one we invited in the city, and then lead them to their fates.

Izaya is already in the room when we arrive. Shizuo looks at me fearfully, trying to gather information as to what my plan is. He sees Shinra in the corner, and his scowl returns as the doctor locks the door.

"Shinra! What the hell!" he roars.

"So loud, Shizu-chan. Don't you see we're right beside you? There's no need to yell~." Izaya smirks, leaning back in the chair.

"IZAYA!"

"Shizu-chan."

"Shinra!" the doctor says happily just to be part of the moment.

Both men glare at him, staying a safe distance away from each other. Here's that weird connection between them again. They can easily attack each other right now, but they're staying away instead. Why?

Well, that's what we came here to find out. Acting quickly, I wrap Izaya in my shadows and take his flick blade from him. He kicks in my grasp, but calms down when he realizes I'm not trying to hurt him. Shizuo laughs until I wrap him in the darkness too. Their arms and legs are bound.

"Ah, thank you Celty. I'm sure you're both wondering why you're here. Well, we're tired of you two constantly destroying half the city just because you can't admit your feelings." Shinra says.

"What feelings?" Shizuo asks.

"I don't destroy anything. The monster does." Izaya says calmly.

"Celty wanted me to let her try her way first, so that's what we're doing."

I sit both of them down in chairs facing each other, making sure they're close enough to smell the other's breath.

[Shizuo, say something nice to Izaya.]

"WHAT? No way in hell!"

Izaya is smirking like a madman, wiggling to get comfortable in the shadows.

[Do it, or I'll make sure you both pay.]

He look at me, then at Izaya. He sighs loudly, tilting his head forward.

"You're...smart." he huffs. Izaya laughs.

"Oh, Shizu-chan~! You're too sweet to me!"

And then, for a split second, I see it. Shizuo's blush at the other man's words.

Shinra was right.

[Izaya. Your turn.]

He complies much easier than Shizuo.

"I like your body."

"WHAT? That's fucking creepy!"

"I'm only being honest."

[Shizuo.]

"Ugh... I think your body is..." he breaks off, making Izaya lean forward in his chair.

"Spit it out~."

"I like it too, alright?" Shizuo looks away again. Izaya's eyes go wide, before he laughs again.

"So, what's the point in this, Shinra? You want us to play the compliment game until we like each other?" he asks my fiancée.

"That's the plan." Shinra says happily.

"Very well. I love your eyes, Shizu-chan. They're so dark and meaningful at the same time. I can see everything you're thinking, just by your eyes."

"...Your eyes are creepy... I think they're kind of neat though..." Soon enough, they're going back and forth.

"I love your bartender outfits. They fit you well."

"I like your jacket."

"You're my favorite monster."

"You're my only flea."

"Ah, really? Here I thought you hated me."

"I do!"

"Do you two even know why you hate each other?" Shinra sighs. "You harbor sexual feeling for each other."

"Do NOT!" Shizuo yelps, turning red. Izaya raises his eyebrows, but says nothing.

"Celty, they're making progress, but we'll be here all night if we keep this up." Shinra says to me. I agree, nodding my helmet.

It's time for his plan.

I lift both men up, making them travel toward each other. Shizuo kicks in my the shadow's grasp, but freezes when I make his lips meet Izaya's.

It's odd. They both immediately go limp, their eyes staring wide at the other. Then, their instincts kick in, and they try to fight. Izaya bites Shizuo's lip. Shizuo snarls and bites him back. I see they're drawing blood, and look fearfully at Shinra. He's grinning and pointing to them, indicating to keep watching.

Izaya draws Shizuo's tongue out, trying to bite it too. Shizuo growls lowly, wrapping his own muscle around Izaya's, fighting him away from trying to bite him.

That's when it changes.

The raven shivers, shoving his tongue back in Shizuo's mouth. The blonde hisses, sucking the appendage in further. They both close their eyes, focusing on their 'battle'. I feel them fighting against their restraints, and I wonder if I can release them now. Shinra nods to me, and I do.

Immediately, Shizuo pushes Izaya to the floor, straddling him and keeping their mouths connected. Izaya tilts his head, groaning slightly when they find their better angle.

"S-Shizu...chan..." he moans, holding the blonde's head as his mouth is devoured.

Shizuo snakes his hand lower, pressing between the raven's legs. I instinctively back up to the door, not wanting to intrude on such a moment.

"Ahhhh! Shiz...Shizu-chan...nnnnnnnn, God..." Izaya pants, bucking his hips into the blonde's hand.

"Izaya~. I want you to beg for it." Shizuo purrs, pressing harder.

"Hahhh... Please..."

"Please what?"

We back out of the room to hear Izaya scream "FUCK ME!" in a feral voice.

As we go upstairs, Shinra is giddily bounding up them two at a time.

"I was right! I was SO right! Things will be fine now, Celty! You'll see~!"

I can still hear Izaya's moans from downstairs, and Shizuo grunts. I can't help but agree with him, that something will have to change between them now.

Years of fighting and hating, ended in one heated night.

I guess sometimes, you just gotta fuck.

Sachi: There we go! Short little story to help us travel into my new Shizaya fic! I'm not sure when I'll post it...

Izaya: Soon! REALLY soon!

Shizuo: ...Louse, why are you so eager for a new story?

Izaya: I love the focus being on me~!

Sachi: Um... Anyway, review for love! If you're kind to me, I may post a second chapter to this in either Shizuo or Izaya's POV, so you can know what happens in the room. *le wink* Just vote in your review! ( I personally like writing from Izaya's POV, but we'll see.)

Until next time, my dear readers~!