Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: Okay, so does everyone remember the conversation in ME2 between Jack and Shepard regarding plans for the future? Where Jack suggests Shepard become a pirate? Good. Well, in this universe, between ME2 and ME3, Shepard decides to hell with it, and makes a go as a Space Pirate. Unfortunately for him, he also discovers the one profession that he's truly terrible at. I present to you a series of oneshots, days in the life of Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Be warned, extreme OOC-ness may abound. Enjoy!

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 1

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I've had enough of the bloody Council. Their refusal to see the truth has finally broken my spirit. I hereby resign as Spectre Shepard, for I have found a new calling.

Jack once told me I should go pirate, make a go of it out in the Terminus Systems. Well, it's worth a shot.

Today a new Shepard is born.

Today, Space Pirate Commander Shepard rises.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log.

Exodus Cluster, Asgard System.

"And their manifest indicates a number of high-value crates?"

Shepard stood valiantly behind Joker's chair, staring out into the blackness of space. The effect wasn't as dramatic as he'd hoped, as the freighter they were tracking wasn't anywhere close to being in visual range, and the eyepatch he'd put on cut his field of vision in half. "Yes, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, they are listed as goods essential to the well being of the colonists. We should be able to capture the crates and ransom them."

A fierce nod, "Very good, Space Pirate EDI. What's their current status?"

"The freighter has just entered the system, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. They are holding true to course for Terra Nova."

"Alright. Space Pirate Joker, I want our stealth systems activated; bring us close enough to board. Space Pirate EDI, once we are close enough, break into their systems and kill their drive core."

"Roger, Space Pirate Commander."

The Normandy approached the lumbering freighter, a mere speck of grey against the galactic backdrop. Quickly and quietly, the frigate moved ever closer, until the freighter's engines suddenly went dark.

"Space Pirate Commander Shepard, I have attained control over their systems."

"Well done, Space Pirate EDI. All hands, this is Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Prepare to board the enemy vessel!"

With a thump that shook the deckplates and the hiss of the airlock, the Normandy closed and docked with the now stranded ship. Shepard looked behind him to the squad he'd handpicked for this, his debut mission of Space Piracy. Jack and Grunt both looked eager, and Kasumi stood off to the side, smiling and muttering to herself about all the loot she could get her hands on. Good, he liked a little greed on his crew, and Shepard had a long history and vast experience in the art of looting.

The squad readied their weapons and entered the airlock, sliding on their helmets and masks. With a hiss, the door to the disabled freighter opened up, and the squad moved into the small cargo bay that bordered every airlock on every freighter.

"Remember, concussion rounds and gas grenades only. We want to leave the crew alive to tell the tale, if we can."

Weapons armed, the squad began running to the main corridor that would lead them to the freighter's large cargo bays. They encountered little resistance, the freighter had a small crew, and none of them were up to the standard of combatants that Shepard's squad was used to.

Moving quickly, they entered the cargo bay and noted the various crates stacked about. They would have to be fast, EDI had alerted them to Terra Nova's small defense fleet being launched in defense of the freighter.

Locating the six large crates that had been targeted for their high value contents, the squad quickly grabbed one of the loading carriers and began shifting their plunder back to the Normandy.

It didn't take long, the crates were surprisingly light, and Grunt was able to handle two of them all by himself. Shepard was so proud his little krogan baby had grown up so fast and was already prioritizing his looting.

Soon, the Normandy was loaded up, and the squad had returned, taking the elevator down to the cargo bay where they could examine their loot. Shepard opened the comm to Joker.

"Space Pirate Joker, disengage from the freighter and get us out of the system."

"Got it, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"Now, time to see what we've got."

The squad gathered down in the bay around the six large crates they'd plundered. Giving the order, Shepard and the others began to pry them open.

The result was…unexpected.

"Can we keep 'em?"

Yes. Six crates of highly valuable goods turned out to be six crates filled with little, furry, squirming puppies.

Shepard was not terribly amused.

The puppies barked.

Grunt, however, was apparently hungry.

The puppies began making adorable faces in addition to the barking.

"Space Pirate Commander Battlemaster Shepard, these things taste any good?"

"No, Space Pirate Grunt. Unless you cook them right, I suppose."

"Sonuvabitch! Shepard! What the hell!"

"Space Pirate Jack, that's Space Pirate Commander Shepard to you."

"Fine! Space Pirate Commander Shepard! What the hell!"

"They were marked high value!"

"Aw, fuck it. I say space the lot of 'em."

The puppies began pawing at Jack and Shepard's feet, and Grunt picked up a small Corgi, looking it in the eye.

"But…But they're puppies!"

"Space Pirate Commander Battlemaster Shepard. This one is a warrior, I can tell. I will train him."

Jack looked down, and finding a tiny Border Collie sniffing her boots, claimed it as hers.

Shepard discreetly pushed a tiny German Shepherd puppy behind his foot before ordering the rest gotten rid of.

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Well, that could have gone better. Fortunately for the puppies, we've seen them off to good homes in the various colonies we pass by, and I was able to prevent Grunt from eating them.

That may have been a rather inglorious beginning to my new career, but I hold out hope!

Yes, our next target will be a good one. I can feel it in my artificially enhanced bones.

Soon…soon the galaxy will learn to fear me.

Soon they will all fear the name of Space Pirate Commander Shepard.

All of them.

Even the Hanar.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log.

AN: Okay, so I've got a bunch of ideas for oneshots in this series. If anyone has something they desperately want to see, leave it in a review, and I'll see if I can work it in. Cheers!