I was playing today when this thought occurred to me...just WHO is considered Luke's father? I know they had a skit with this in the game, but I still wanted to write this since it could've been even more hilarious. I only remembered when I was mid-story.

Set sometime during the second half of the game. Takes place near Keterberg, so spoilers up to Mt. Roneal or so.

Nope, I don't own Tales of the Abyss...because if I did, this would totally be canon.

It would be forever remembered as the most awkward (for Luke, anyway) conversation the party would ever have. Of course, Anise was the one to bring up the horrible question.

"If Luke is a replica," she spoke out of nowhere, causing the group to cease their eating around the campfire, "and the Colonel is the founder of fomicry, does that make the Colonel Luke's father?"

Everyone was sent into stunned silence, most notably Luke, who was gaping like an asphyxiating fish. Then, after a few moments, Jade brought his hand to his chin, deep in thought. "Well, I'd say no. I can't imagine him having any of my genes, what with the lack of formidable wit and intelligence-"

"Hey!" Luke shouted indignantly. "I may be reckless, but I can tell you for a fact that I have a decent brain!"

Natalia raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying he could be your father?"

Luke blurted out a "NO!" of annoyance, but everyone else chuckled.

Jade was still in his thinking position. "Well, come to think of it, Dist could also be his father-"

"I have two dads?" Luke cried. "B-but-"

"Van seems the better option," Guy spoke up in Luke's defense. Luke shot his best friend a grateful look. "After all, he was the one who created Luke himself...although Jade would be hilarious as Luke's dad."

Luke, feeling trapped among these terrible bullies, turned to his savior. "Tear, you're not seriously considering this, are you?"

"Van's not his father!" Tear suddenly and, peculiarly, passionately, blurted out, her face flushed redder than the ripest tomato.

Anise frowned and cocked her head sideways. "Why not?"

"Oh yeah..." Guy muttered. "Tear wouldn't want to participate in an incestuous relationship."

"What was that?" questioned Luke, his face displaying his puzzlement. He looked rather like a bamboozled puppy dog, if dogs could be gingers.

"Nothing!" Guy said with an anxious grin. Tear shot him a death glare but remained silent.

Mieu, ever the supportive "thing", decided to cheer his master up. "Look, Master, if they're all your fathers, then you can have three Christmases!"

"Unless Dist is his mother..." Anise said with a devious grin.

Now it was Luke's turn for his face to flush. His skin actually matched his hair, making him, what with his eyes as well, appear to be a Christmas tree with a color swap. "Shut up!"

Jade sighed deeply. "I should've taught you better manners, Luke." His usual smile returned to his face, and his snarkiness went up ten notches. "Oh well, you're still young. I have many years to teach you, son."

"Shut up!" Luke yelled again.

Jade chided Luke with a waving finger. "Now, now, I'm not going to take you on our father-son fishing trip if you keep up that attitude."

Luke growled and clenched his fists, his rage steadily rising up in him until it reaching a marvelous boil, but the others continued to exchange banter.

"Do you have any baby pictures you can show us?" asked Anise.

"You're such a fantastic father," said Guy, "what with leaving him with me so I could help him grow. Good parenting skills there."

"...I always knew he wasn't true royalty," admitted Natalia sheepishly. 'Now I see where he gets his...out of place attitude from."

Tear, still blushing, remained silent.

Jade shrugged. "In any case, I know that if I had a son, he wouldn't be as childish, whiny, unlovable-"

"I'M GOING TO BED!" Luke exclaimed suddenly, his rage exploding outwards like lava from a volcano. Dramatically, determined to make a scene, the replica stomped off until he entered his and Guy's tent, somehow actually slamming the material behind him.

"Touchy, touchy," Anise muttered.

Again, Jade shrugged. "He gets it from his mother's side."

There was still one question plaguing Guy's mind. "So if Dist was his mother and you were his father, did you guys ever..."

"No." Jade shot Guy a glare as piercing as a thousand heated iron spikes. Guy could have sworn all the ice on the ground within a two mile radius had melted just then. "And frankly, that is quite possibly the most repulsive idea I have heard in my life."

I've also heard the argument that Asch could be Luke's father, but I'm writing this with a time limit and I ran out. So...boo.

I love writing these characters. This may be my first Tales of the Abyss fic, but Jade is too hilarious, and Guy, Luke, and Tear are also favorites of mine. Who caught the Symphonia reference?

I'm considering writing an extra chapter of this even, but that all depends on the amount of reviews and favorites this gets...

Every time someone reviews, Jade pets a chibi hamster while wearing a miniskirt and is caught on camera. Please, think of the hilarity!

EDIT: Jade created fomicry, which is like cells, and Van took the "cells" himself to make Luke. Therefore, Van is the mother, and Jade is the illegitimate father. I am a disturbed person.