Chapter 5

Author's Note~ Okay so there are a few things I want to say:

1) I am SO sorry this is late. It's been like a month since I've updated. I feel really bad now. I would make excuses about how I've been busy with school, marching band, my job, and all that crap, but there's no point. Would you believe me?

2) The first half of the chapter, I had slight writers block. The second half is pretty crack-y though.

3) This chapter mainly centers on Al. What?! You think we have to include Ed in order for things to go wrong?!

4) I kind of poked fun at yaoi fans in this chapter. So, if there are any yaoi fans who read this fic, I'm not trying to offend you. I have no problem with homosexuality or yaoi.

5) This chapter also reflects my views on Ed and Al being gay, or more importantly, being gay for each other. This relationship is also known as Elricest. Now, I don't give a damn if I offend fans of this pairing. I have a right to my opinion.

6) I'm so happy that people like this story so much! I never thought I was that great at writing pure humor so I'm glad y'all are entertained by it! :) Okay, enough of my ramblings.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, but I do own this particular situation and my OC's.

Al walked into his classroom, avoiding the eye contact of Molly and Emily. He had privately asked Ms. Tucker to switch lab partners.

(Begin Al's flashback)

"Hey, Ms. Tucker. Can I speak to you?" Al said, walking into his teacher's office.

"Sure thing, Al!" she said dreamily. "You can always speak to me." She rubbed her hand on his knee soothingly. For some reason, this really creeped him out. She was a teacher, so of course she wouldn't violate her students, but that prickle of unease didn't go away.

"I-I'd like to switch lab partners," he managed to stutter out.

"I completely agree," she said wholeheartedly.

"You…do?" he asked, surprised. He didn't think she'd agree so easily.

"Of course! You're way too much of a distraction for those girls! Their grades are going down because of you!" she ranted.

"I'm…a distraction?" he whispered.

"Of course you are! Have you seen yourself?" she said honestly.

"Oh, I didn't realize," he said guiltily. "Thanks, though."

"Happy to help," she said seductively, "Just remember, Al. I'm here for you anytime you need me. Anytime," she emphasized. She winked at him, he walked out and gave her a wary smile.

(End flashback)

If Al didn't know any better, he would say that the teacher was flirting with him. But since he did know better, he knew that would be impossible. She was just being helpful. There was no way she was seducing him.

He watched with a bit of guilt as the girls faces fell when he passed by their table. He found his new partners, two guys luckily, and quickly ducked his head and sat at the table. One of the guys, with dark brown hair and striking gray eyes gave him a funny look. The other, who had dirty blond hair and smelled like smoke, was drawing on the desk, not paying attention.

"Hi," he said in a small voice, "I'm Al." The blond glowered at him for interrupting his vandalism.

"Why are you sitting here?" he asked in a gravelly voice. "Won't Molly and Emily be sad that their 'precious Alphonse' isn't sitting with them?" he mocked bitterly.

"C'mon, Kenneth!" the brunette piped in cheerfully slapping his friend on the back. "Don't be like that," he joked, "The kid can't help that he's popular."

"What have I told you about calling me by my full name?" Kenneth snapped. Al felt a wave of nostalgia watching the two bicker. They reminded him of people he'd met before, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"So. Al, was it?" The pale-eyed boy asked, more friendly than his friend. Al nodded absently.

"Nice to finally get a chance to officially meet you. No one's been able to pry you from the Bitch Queen's grasp," he snickered.

"Are they like this with everyone?" Al asked in a hushed tone.

"Only the new guys," he said, rolling his eyes, "I had to go through the same thing last year. I'm Daniel, by the way. But you can call me Danny. And this sourpuss over here is Kenny." Kenny glared harshly at his friend's word choice.

"So, how did you get rid of them?" Al whispered. Danny smirked.

"My sister told them I was homosexual," he shrugged.

"What?" Al squeaked, "But…why would she say something like that?"

"To screw with them."

"And they believed her?"

"Fuck yeah!" he said bluntly, "They're total morons." He snorted, "Now they're convinced that me and Kenny are closet lovers." Kenny scowled fiercely.

"Yes, because it's just hilarious getting strange looks from everywhere," Kenny said sarcasticly. "Because of you, I haven't been able to get a date in months!"

"Aww, relax. The only dates you're gonna get with those girls are ones that involve your dick," he said matter-of-factly. Al nearly choked, and managed to somehow duck Kenny's flying fist. He had never met somebody so…vulgar. Even Lieutenant Havoc had some discretion.

"So, Al," Danny started again, sporting a lump on his head, "Did Molly invite you to one of her 'parties'?"

"Yeah," he said uneasily, "Why?" Danny grinned suggestively.

"Did you go?"

"No, I didn't. I felt…uncomfortable," he stated, a blush creeping on his face.

"I guess you figured out what they actually do there, huh?" he asked, slightly sympathetic.

"No, they wouldn't tell me," he said quietly.

"I'm not surprised," Danny grunted, "You're a nice guy. Probably figured you wouldn't come if you knew their motive."

"What was their motive?" he asked hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. Before Danny could reply, Kenny slapped a hand over the brown-haired boy's mouth.

"Allow me," he grumbled, "I don't want you scarring him with your crass nonsense."

"What was he going to say?" Al asked fearfully.

"Nothing," Kenny dismissed, giving his friend a warning stare, "Don't worry about it."

"So what do they do at their party?" Al changed the subject.

"Well," Kenny began awkwardly, "Because most of the guys are new, the girls like to…claim them…so no one else can."

"Claim them?" Al asked quizzically.

"Yeah, like…" Kenny made his right hand into a circle, and put his left index through…back and forth. Al gave him a blank look. Kenny groaned with exasperation. Danny finally yelled,

"For God's sake, they were trying to have sex with you!" The entire class went into a hushed silence, and Al felt the heat crawl all the way down to his neck.

Al may have been dense when it came to relationships and girls, but he knew what sex meant, and if his flushed face was any indication, he was completely mortified by it.

"Why?" he squeaked out.

"Because you're male," he answered simply.

"Mr. Tunsin, go to the office!" Ms. Peters said coldly.

"What?! Me?! What for?" Danny asked in horror.

"For talking about inappropiate topics," she responded haughtily.

"Inappropiate," he scoffed, "I'll bet you there's not a single virgin in here…'cept for the new guy." Al sunk down in his seat and avoided the critical glances from his classmates. He was the only one? But…they were only fifteen! Was this really what our world had come to? Was this really what high school was all about? No wonder his brother hates it.

Al was walking the halls, glad to be out of science class. Huh. Who'd have ever thought that he wouldn't want to be in a class that taught science? What has school done to him? He vaguely wondered how his brother was doing but then he heard a voice that was too familiar for his liking.

"Hey, Al!" Danny called.

"Danny? I thought you were in trouble!" he said, lip trembling from nerves. Danny let a catlike grin grow on his face.

"I was," he said airily, "but the headmaster loves me so she let me off with a warning."

"Oh," he said somberly.

"So, can I walk with you?" Danny asked. Al nodded silently, a sense of doom raining on his head.

"Hey, Al!" Ed came panting up to him.

"Brother, what is it? I have to go to my next class," he sighed.

"Make sure you save a seat for me at lunch," Ed demanded.

"Fine, I will," he said crossly, "Now I have to go Amestrian Literature."

"Al!" Danny gasped dramatically, "How could you?"

"How could I what?" Al asked quizzically, Ed next to him cocking his eyebrows in interest. Danny sniffled.

"You're…" sniffle, "cheating on me?"

"What?!" Both Ed and Al screech.

"Al!" Ed yelled at him, "Why didn't you tell me, dammit?"

"Tell you what?" he squeaked.

"You know what!" Ed shouted accusingly, "I leave you for an hour and you get yourself…a…b-bo…b-boy…BOYFRIEND?!"

"Are you seriously that stupid, Brother?!" he hollered, voice cracking horribly, "Don't you think if I was gay, I would tell you?! How could you even think that, anyway?"

"Well, how the hell should I know? You've never had a girlfriend!" he cried.

"Neither have you!" Al argued. Ed's face went red and he looked at the ground, muttering to himself. They both went awkwardly silent.

"Wow," Danny interrupted, "So much tension. Y'know, if you need me to, I can put both of you in a closet and give you some alone time."

"What are you saying?!" Ed snapped.

"Nothing!" he said defensively, then he grinned maliciously, "Oh, I get it now. Geez, guys, if you wanted me to be there during your moment, all you had to do was ask. I don't mind a nice three-some now and then."

"Huh?" they both jawdrop. Al watched as Danny slid over to Ed and grabbed his chin.

"Hmm," Danny scrutinized Al's older brother. "Al's pretty good-looking, but you're not half-bad yourself," he confimed. "I will say that your eyes kind of freak me out though," he added bluntly. Ed gave him a blank look.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he deadpanned. Danny put a hand over both of our mouths.

"Guys, just play along, okay?" he whispered urgently, "Those girls are crazy for yaoi."

"What's yaoi?" Al whispered back impatiently.

"It means they like gay relationships, especially incestuous ones."

Ed gave him a look that could kill. "Why you sick son of a-,"

"So, you're coming at 7 tonight, huh? That's great!" he yelled fakely, "Yeah, I could totally invite Kenny along!" Al saw a few girls swoon at Danny's words. What exactly made these kinds of relationships so wonderful? Personally, they're a bit creepy. Specifically the incestuous part. Being intimate with his older brother? He shuddered. That was wrong on so many levels!

He jumped up three feet when he felt a warm breeze go down his neck. Oh no, a serial killer! He turned warily, about to karate chop the snot out of his attacker, but almost relaxed when he saw Molly and Emily smiling at him like he was a particularly tasty dish. No, this was worse than a serial killer.

"Alphonse," Molly said dreamily, "I think your forbidden love for your brother is totally sexy."

"Are you going to have a 'private moment'?" Emily asked. Whoa, she spoke! Luckily, Danny didn't hear that question, but unfortunately, Ed did.

"You guys are all sick!" he yelled in horror, "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?! Would you do that with your own brother?" Molly smirked.

"Maybe," she shrugged, "if I was a guy. But personally, I'd rather do your brother than mine." Al watched as his brother face turned red, molten golden eyes smoldering with fury.

"You bitch! I'll kill you!" he screamed. Al saw Danny grab Ed's arm and pull him into his chest.

"Fuck off, Molly!" Danny barked, still holding Ed in a protective embrace. Ed punched him in the gut but the dark-haired boy didn't seem to mind. "They're both mine tonight! You have to wait your turn," he said, throwing an arm over Al's shoulders. All of a sudden, he smiles sweetly. "Although, if you wish, I can sign you up for Friday."

The next few seconds were all a blur to Al. One second, Danny was whispering suggestive themes in his ear; the next, Danny was lying unconscious in a pool of blood while his brother, the definition of rage, was standing over him menacingly, his veins popping out of his head.

"Brother," Al groaned, "Did you really have to kill him?"

"Well, I couldn't just let him live, could I?" Ed asked darkly.

"Alright!" Molly cheered, "I get the brothers early! Right, Phonsie?"

"Uh…actually, I'd rather if you didn't!" Al said frantically.

"Hey, Al, I got another suggestion," Ed whispered in his ear.

"What is it, Brother?"he whispered back desperately.

"Run," he rasped, "Run like hell!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Just go!"

"But, Brother, what about you!"

"Dammit, Al! Go!" he screamed, "I'll hold them off!" He shoved Al in the other direction. Al took off, his weakened legs gaining surprising speed. He was running for about two minutes, when Ed, who was much faster than he was, appeared by his side. Luckily for them, all of that running across the country came in handy. They were outrunning the girls by miles. Al spotted the door to the library. Of course, the library! These girls would never go in there! He threw open the doors in a frenzy, yanked his brother's arm, slid through the doorway, and slammed the door in record time.

As him and his brother sat huffing and gasping for breath while leaning against the door, he couldn't help but wonder: would they even survive until the end of the month? What is Mustang planning to do about this?

A/N~ Wow. I just realized something. I didn't include Julie. I figured if Al is the main character, she was unnecessary. So, about Danny. It's kind of sad. Even though I'm the one who created him, I'm not sure what to make of him. Is he a brilliant genius or is he just a complete dumb-ass?

And before you start asking questions about his sexuality, I honestly don't know. I'll let you decide. But, if you're gonna accuse him of either being homosexual or not, at least provide some proof from the chapter to back up your theory.

That is all.

Review, please! :D