"So I realize I'm your test subject and you're going to perform all kinds of painfully painful experiments on me in the name of science, but I do get bathroom breaks, right?"

Maddie nearly choked on her coffee. She set it down carefully, then looked up at Phantom, who was fidgeting uncomfortably where he floated, standing on nothing, in the middle of the containment unit.

"I beg your pardon?"

Phantom blushed a bright green, suddenly finding the tile floor of the lab absolutely fascinating. He twisted his gloved hands together, not meeting her eyes. "You know, when I've got to...uh, go. Relieve myself. Take a leak. Pee?"

Maddie's eyebrow inched higher with every term. "What are you trying to pull, Phantom? Ghosts don't have that bodily function." The humanoid form of a ghost only went skin deep; inside they functioned more like a self-perpetuating energy source than a living being. He shouldn't even have the, er, equipment to make it work.

"Well, this one does. And he'd appreciate it if that was, you know, sooner, rather than later." Phantom's voice was getting a little strained.

This ghost... he was actually serious? Maddie stared, realizing that Phantom wasn't only fidgeting out of nervousness. He looked like a toddler in a long line at a water park.

He was serious.

"Fascinating."

"No, not fascinating," he shot back flatly. "Embarrassing, yes. Stupid, yes. Urgent? Very urgent. Now are you going to let me out or not?"

"I think I may have a solution for you." She rummaged through the odds and ends on the lab table, finding the object she had in mind. There was a slot at the front that allowed her to insert objects without interrupting the electric field. Phantom floated down to pick up the object, looking puzzled.

That puzzlement turned to shock and disbelief as he connected the dots.

"You have got to be kidding me." He looked from the glass beaker to Maddie and back. "This is your idea of a solution?"

"You can relieve yourself, I get my sample. It works perfectly."

"Sample?" Phantom's voice squeaked into the next octave. "Seriously? That's so gross!"

"You could just wait it out," That earned her a glare from the scandalized ghost.

"I think I'd rather be dissected," he mumbled, turning a few shades closer to puce as he stared down at the little glass container.

But really, what choice did he have?

A/N:

This weirdness is not canon for Phantom of Truth (you know your fanfic's out of control when it has canon, sheesh) but it's a question that came up in the first couple of chapters...belatedly inspiring this what-if scenario. I just threw this together within an hour, so any concrit would be appreciated!

Dedicated to jeanette9a and those other brave souls who dared to ask. XD

Edit: For those of you not in the know, the story of Maddie holding Phantom captive as a science experiment is from my longer fic, Phantom of Truth. If you want to know why he's there and what happens, please read that story!

-Hj