No Matter What

Based on 'On my Way'

Warning: Mentions of suicide

The two boys were lying on Blaine's bed. They had been there for over an hour, just lying in silence. They didn't need to talk to know what the other was thinking.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said quietly. Okay, maybe they didn't know exactly what the other was thinking.

"Why are you apologizing?" Blaine asked, confused.

"I know when you told me a couple days ago that your parents would be away all night tonight and asked me to come over that you had something different in mind," Kurt replied.

"Kurt, no matter what we're doing, I just want to spend time with you," Blaine said, "Besides, a couple days ago everything was normal."

"I wish everything was still normal," Kurt whispered, a few tears running down his cheeks.

"Me too baby, me too," Blaine said.

"I knew what Mr. Schue was talking about earlier," Kurt said, "About having that thing that'll push you over the edge." Blaine was silent for a moment as he tried to process what Kurt had said.

"Kurt, do you mean what I think you mean?" he asked quietly.

"I thought about it last year and… I tried it in freshman year," Kurt admitted and Blaine sat up, shocked.

"You tried it? As in…"

"I tried to kill myself," Kurt whispered, "It was just shortly after I'd started at McKinley and it was horrible. I had always been bullied in elementary school, but as soon as I went into high school it was like there was a giant neon sign about my head saying: "Shove Me!" I got daily dumpster dives, slushy facials, locker shoves, and I just didn't understand why. I didn't understand why everyone hated me so much. One day after school, I was walking home. My dad usually picked me up, but he was on a job and I had to walk. I was about halfway home when I was jumped. It was most of the senior and junior members of the football team and they were all about three times bigger than me. They beat me up and then left me lying in the middle of the park."

"It took me ages to get home, and by the time I did it was so late my dad was already home. He was freaking out because he didn't know where I was and then when he saw me he just…. God, Blaine, he cried. My dad cried. I was crying and he told me everything would be fine. But it wasn't, and I just didn't know what to do. I just knew that I couldn't hurt him anymore. So… that night after he'd gone to bed, and I had convinced him that I would fine on my own for the night, I took apart one of the razors in the bathroom. I guess my dad decided to have one last go at getting me to stay with him for the night because he came down only a couple minutes later. He was crying and screaming for help and he called 911. At first I was angry with myself for hurting him again, but he wasn't mad at me. He told me he loved me and that he couldn't bear to lose me. That was when I started helping at the garage more. I didn't want to be on my own and my dad had promised to keep me safe. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Kurt glanced at Blaine and saw that the shorter boy had tears streaming down his face.

"Don't be sorry, okay?" Blaine said, "Just promise me you'll talk to me from now before it ever gets that bad."

"I promise," Blaine assured him, "The only other time I felt like that was last year and…"

"What is it baby?" Blaine encouraged, "What changed?"

"You," Kurt looked at him, "I met you and everything changed. You saved me Blaine." Blaine closed his eyes and when he opened them again he saw Kurt looking at him.

"I love you Kurt," he said, "Thank you for telling me." Blaine leaned forward and hugged his boyfriend tightly.

"Now I think I should tell you something too." Kurt looked at him questioningly and Blaine took a deep breathe.

"I could relate to Mr. Schue's story too." Kurt's eyes went wide and Blaine paused for a moment before he started his story.

"It was right after the Sadie Hawkins Dance. I didn't know how to deal with what had happened. I was miserable, I was in pain, my only friend decided hanging out with me wasn't worth getting beat up again, and I just… couldn't deal with it. I was at home one day and I thought I was alone. I sat on my bed crying and swallowed a bottle of pills. My brother was home and he came into my room to ask me something. He saw me crying, saw the pill bottle, and stuck his finger down my throat. It was disgusting, but he saved my life. He's the only person in my family that really cares about me." Blaine looked up from where he had been staring at his lap and saw Kurt had tears streaming down his face.

"I guess we both had stories we hadn't told each other yet," Blaine said with a laugh.

"I'm sure there will be plenty more too," Kurt said as he scooted closer to Blaine, "And no matter what happens, or what we tell each other, I'll always love you." Blaine smiled at his boyfriend and gently pulled him only his lap.

"I'll always love you too," he said quietly, "No matter what."

Just an idea I had after watching 'On my Way' cause Kurt looked close to a breakdown when Mr. Schue was talking to them in the auditorium.

This was going to be a one shot, but if people would be interested I was thinking about writing Kurt's and Blaine's attempts. Let me know what you think!

Thanks for reading!

Kurt's Story

Finally got around to writing this. I'm going to start working on Blaine's Story soon.

Warning: Attempted suicide, possible graphics

Note: Takes place in Kurt's freshman year at McKinley

Kurt stumbled up the steps of his house. He was finally home. Normally he would've been home hours ago, but he had been jumped the football team and now it was so late it was starting to get dark. He opened the door and stumbled in.

"Kurt! Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea what time – Kurt? What happened to you?" Burt rushed over to his son and took his face between his hands. He kneeled down and looked up at his son, though Kurt was so small for his age that he didn't have to stretch too far. There was dried blood caked across the bottom half of Kurt's face and down the side, he had a gash on his forehead, and one of his eyes was starting to swell shut. Kurt was leaning heavily on his left leg and was clutching his wrist close to him.

"God Buddy, what happened?" Burt repeated.

"Th-They jumped me," Kurt stuttered.

"Who did Bud?" Burt questioned, leading Kurt up the stairs to the bathroom.

"The f-foot-football team," Kurt said, the words tripping over his tongue. Burt clenched his jaw in fury. Of course it was the damn football team. Kurt and sports had never mixed, and since Burt was an ex-footballer himself, he knew how those boys would treat a kid like Kurt. He had a feeling Kurt might've been getting bullied, but he never knew how to bring it up. Kurt was so private about everything.

But God, nothing could ever have prepared him for how he would feel when his son stumbled through the door like this. He sat Kurt down on the edge of the bathtub and set to getting together the first aid supplied.

"Alright, let's get you cleaned up, huh?" Burt said, setting the supplied down. He placed a bowl of warm water next to him and picked up the cloth. Burt started gently wiping the blood off Kurt's face, but paused when Kurt winced.

"I'm sorry buddy, I'm gonna do my best not to hurt you," Burt said.

"Its okay daddy," Kurt said quietly and Burt couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes. Kurt hadn't called him daddy in years, and hearing it now just made him realize how young Kurt really was.

"Oh Kurt," But choked out, the tears falling faster now, "Oh my little boy." He reached forward and gently pulled Kurt down off the tub. He held Kurt against him as they both sobbed openly.

"I'm sorry daddy, I'm so sorry," Kurt said between his sobs.

"What are you apologizing for Kiddo?" Burt asked, pulling away from his son so he could he see him properly.

"I didn't mean to make you upset," Kurt said and Burt looked at his son in shock.

"Oh Kurt, no Buddy, you don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm crying because I hate seeing you hurt, okay?" Kurt nodded, but didn't say anything more. Burt sighed and picked up the cloth again. He slowly managed to get all the blood off Kurt's face and was then able to see the damage. It didn't look like Kurt's nose was broken and even though the gash on his forehead didn't look too bad; Burt was considering taking Kurt to the hospital. He put a bandage on Kurt's head and had the boy hold ice on his eye with his good hand while he examined the other.

"All right, let's see here," Burt said as he rolled up Kurt's sleeve. He took his son's wrist in his hands and Kurt hissed.

"Well, it doesn't seem to be broken, but I think we should go to the hospital anyway," Burt said.

"No!" Kurt said immediately and Burt looked at him in surprise, "I just–dad I really just want to be at home right now, please." Burt smiled gently at his son and nodded.

"Alright, I'll put a bandage on it and then take a look at your ankle, but if you're no better tomorrow then we're going to the ER," Burt said. He carefully wrapped Kurt's wrist with a bandage and then helped Kurt back on the side of the tub so he could stretch his leg out for Burt to look at. Once Burt had wrapped Kurt's ankle and was satisfied with his job, he helped Kurt down the stairs to his basement bedroom.

"There ya go Buddy," Burt said, helping his son lay down, "Do you want me to bring you anything to eat?"

"No thinks dad," Kurt replied quietly.

"Alright, well, do you want me to stay?" Burt asked.

"No thanks dad, I think I'm just gonna go to sleep," Kurt replied, rolling over onto his side.

"Alright, well I'll be upstairs, okay? I'm going to head to bed myself, but if you need anything just call, okay?" Burt said, not wanting to leave his son.

"Okay," Kurt said. Burt hesitated another moment before heading upstairs. Kurt waited a moment after he was gone before he got out of bed and went into te bathroom. E stared at himself in the mirror; fat lip, black eye, bandage over his right eye. Then he thought of his dad. He had seen his dad cry. The last time that had happened was six years ago when his mom had died. His dad had been hurting then, and he was hurting now. But this time it was because of him; it was because of Kurt.

He opened the drawer beneath the sink and pulled out one of the razors his dad had bought him when he entered high school even though Kurt had never grown facial hair in his life. Kurt stared at it for a moment before he slowly pulled it apart. The bullying was only going to get worse and he couldn't keep putting his dad through this. Kurt held the blade against his wrist and closed his eyes…

Burt made his way back downstairs, determined to convince his son to let him stay. He just couldn't bear to leave Kurt alone tonight. However, Kurt wasn't in bed. Burt saw that the bathroom door was closed and walked over.

"Kurt?" he said, knocking, "Listen Bud, I know you said you anted to sleep, but I don't want you alone tonight. Why don't the two of us watch one of your old Disney movies?" There was no reply so Burt knocked again.

"Kurt? Buddy, you okay?" Burt knocked again, starting to grow worried, "Kurt, I'm gonna come in if you don't answer me!" No answer. He turned the handle and couldn't believe what he saw.

"Kurt!" he cried, dropping to his knees beside his son. He grabbed two towels that were nearby and wrapped them around Kurt's blood-soaked wrists.

"Oh God, Kurt, hang on," Burt said desperately, pulling out his phone and dialing 911. He told them what happened and where he lived and as he waited he prayed. He prayed to a God he wasn't sure if he believed in. He prayed for his son to live; he prayed for his little boy to open his eyes. The paramedics arrived and Burt was forced to take a step back as they worked on Kurt. In the ambulance, he sat next to Kurt and carded his fingers through his son's hair, something Kurt would never have allowed had he been awake.

When he was finally seated next to his son's hospital bed, and the doctors and nurses had stopped rushing in and out, Burt finally remembered to breathe. Kurt would be on seventy-two hour watch and the hospital would be finding him a therapist to talk to, but he was alive. Kurt was alive.

"Dad?" Burt heard Kurt mumble as his eyelids fluttered open.

"Hey Buddy," Burt said thickly and Kurt turned his head to see him properly, "You're in the hospital kiddo."

"Are you crying?' Kurt asked, tears welling in his own eyes.

"Yeah Buddy, I am," Burt admitted.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said immediately.

"No! No, don't you dare apologize! You understand? Kurt, you have done nothing wrong, you got that? God Buddy," Burt said, taking Kurt's hand in his and trying to ignore the gauze around Kurt's wrist, "I'm just so thankful you're okay." Kurt didn't say anything in reply and Burt cocked his head to the side.

"Why'd you do it Kurt?' he asked quietly, both desperate to find out and not wanting to know at the same time.

"I get bullied all the time," Kurt said after a while, "But then today, when you actually saw it, and I saw you cry. I never meant to hurt you dad, I never wanted you to know what it's like everyday for me. I wanted you to think I was doing fine, but I'm not."

"Kiddo, you don't need to protect me, got it? That's not your job; it's my job to protect you. But I need you to tell me when something is going on," Burt said and Kurt nodded, "So from now on, you're going to come to the garage everyday after school with me and we're gonna start talking more and working on cars together, okay?"

"Okay," Kurt nodded and then launched himself at his father, "I love you daddy."

"I love you too son."

If you need help:

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Kids Held Phone: 1-800-866-6868

What do you think? Honestly, when I started this I wasn't sure how it was gonna turn out, I wanted to be delicate with the subject because I know there are people out there who might read this and know exactly how Kurt was feeling and I didn't want to trigger bad memories. But I don't think there is a way to be delicate about this. Thank you for reading this and please let me know what you think. I'm going to be writing Blaine's Story at some point and uploading it.