Hey guys! I know it's been awhile, and I'm not even gonna try and make an excuse cause ya, I hate when peeps do that. U guys prob don't care about my life, u just wanna read the story. So yupp, I would say that I'll try to have an update up soon, but that didn't work out so well last time. So, when it's up it's up. I'm on summer vacation now so there's a good chance it'll be up in a couple weeks, but ya. Anyway, I obviously don't own anything. Like seriously anything. And without further ado, onto the story.

I looked at the doctor's face, memorizing every wrinkle, every worry line. I wondered if I would have enough strength to do this part of the job. I wondered if I would start crying out of pure pity for my patients.

I wondered if that would scare them even more.

"Okay." I said and stood up. I knew Elena would pull through, she had to.

Because if she didn't, than I wouldn't either.

I could hear my heart beating unevenly in my head, and I saw the other three occupants of the room staring at me cautiously. The room seemed to go from cool and roomy to a hotness that was almost unbearable. Everyone was too close to me, the walls were closing in on me.

I couldn't breathe.

I vaguely heard Stefan ask the doctor what was happening, and I wondered myself what was happening. Was someone hurt?

Maybe it was my heart about to beat out of my chest that he was worried about.

"He's having a panic attack!"

Who is?

I crumpled to my knees, blackness blurring my vision.

"Jeremy. Jeremy look at me."

I tried to focus my attention toward the doctor, but I felt completely drained. As I let my eyes slip close I realized that it wasn't the doctor who had said that.

It was Damon.

I peeled open my eyes trying to ignore the insistent pounding in my head. Something was wrong. I knew it, I could feel it. But what was it?

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was white. White everywhere.

Their gone, Jeremy, their gone forever.

White on the walls.

She couldn't be saved. I'm sorry.

White on the ceiling.

She's already lost too much blood. There's nothing we can do.

White in my heart.

Everything happened so fast, she was dead before I could reach her.

White running through my veins.

His heart's failing him, he won't survive much longer.

White choking me.

She's brain dead, it's your choice when to pull the plug.

White forcing itself up through my throat and out onto more whiteness.

"Woah, Jeremy, calm down!"

I couldn't stop myself. I kept throwing up until nothing was coming up anymore. I just sat hunched over the side of the hospital bed as the reality of the situation hit me.

Elena. Oh God, I was going to be sick again.

Suddenly somones hand was on my arm, pushing me upright onto the bed again.

"What happened?" I asked, noticing with a unpleasant feeling in my stomach that I'm currently lying in a hospital bed.

"You don't remember?"

I looked up into Damon's eyes trying to decipher what it is I was supposed to be remembering.

"Uh, no…" I mumbled.

"You had a panic attack."

I did?

"Oh." Was all I could think to say in return.

"Can I see Elena?" I hadn't seen her yet, and I realized that it might be the last time I'll get to.

"Are you sure you want to?" I recognized that voice, it calmed me and angered me at the same time.

"Of course I do." I growled.

"Alright." Damon said, sighing. "follow me."

I didn't answer, just hopped down from the hospital bed I was currently laying in and followed him out the door. Damon kept a steady pace all the way to the ICU, but he was always 3 paces in front of me. The silence that stretched between us was nothing if not awkward. I remember when we used to be able to talk for hours without running out of things to say. I miss that.

Apparently he doesn't.

"So, where's Stefan?" I asked quietly.

"Cafeteria." He answered quickly.

Something in his voice made me look up at him. I noticed his hunched shoulders and brisk walking and berated myself for not noticing earlier.

He was guilty.

Well, he was guilty about something, I'm just not quite sure what it is.

"Are you okay."

He suddenly spun on his heels and zoned in on me, trapping me between him and the wall.

"No, I am not okay. The love of my life is DEAD! Elena's dead, and I'll never even get to tell her how much I love her. I wasted all my time on you."

I stared at him for a minute, trying to process what exactly he was telling me. Does he blame me for something? I took one look at the hatred in his eyes and bolted. I didn't stop until I reached the bathroom, which thankfully was empty. I locked myself in a stall and sat down heavily on the seat. I thought about crying. I really, really wanted to cry, but what's the point?

Who's even going to notice?

I have nobody. No one.

I used to have Damon, and I used to have Elena. I even had Stefan. But not now.

Thinking back to what Damon said I was reminded of my entire life, because someone that I care about is yet again choosing Elena over me. It's always Elena. What's wrong with me?

Am I too clingy? Too distant? Too talkative? Too quiet?

Too weird?

That's when the first sob came.

Too gross.

Now salty crocodile tears were making their way down my face, and I couldn't stop them.

Too stupid.

It was getting hard to breath.

Too much of a fuck-up.

I couldn't stop.

Useless.

So, yupp. Jeremy's pretty depressed. And if u didn't get that white thing up there it's just basically referencing all the people that died in Jeremy's life. I mean let's face it people, basically everyone has died on him.