Mass Effect 2: Rupert Gardner's Chef Surprise

A/N: For a long time now, I've had this idea floating around my head. Ever since I did the quest this was based on. For those of you not sure which one I'm talking about, it's the "Normandy: Secret Ingredients" minor quest. On another note, FFnet is once again being glitchy and has taken out the spaces between words on some of the lines. I've fixed that now, and hopefully it doesn't happen again.

Warning: There's some mild language in this chapter.

Disclaimer: The characters and the worlds I write in do not belong to me. The stories that I write are intended for entertainment purposes. I do not make any money from them.

Summary: Rupert has run out of high quality ingredients for making the crew's meals. Miranda and the rest of the crew learn the hard way why that's not such a good thing.

Something was wrong.

Cerberus Operative Miranda Lawson knew that the moment she left her office and rounded the corner into the mess hall. While it wasn't unusual for the designated eating area to be quiet at times, the sheer amount of people occupying it currently should have caused enough ruckus for Miranda to hear it through the wall. The fact that everyone was sitting quietly, staring at their food nervously, was definitely not a good sign.

Some of Shepard's main crew was there, that being Jack, Garrus, Jacob and even the Master Thief herself, all of them sharing the same table. But just like everyone else, they too sat quietly in their chairs, critically eyeing the food in front of them. It was strangest sight, Miranda noted. This was the quietest she had ever seen Kasumi (the woman could talk your ear off when you got her started on the right subject). And Jack, for the psychotic biotic to go more than five minutes without swearing, that had to be a universal record somewhere. Don't even get Miranda started on Garrus' and Jacob's unnerving silence. It would be Jack who saw her first, much to Miranda's dismay, the younger biotic giving her the usual smirk and glare.

"Oh look," Jack began, her eyes narrowing, her smile threatening bodily harm. "It's the Cerberus cheerleader."

Miranda clenched her jaw. She never did like that nickname, especially since Jack was the one who came up with it.

"Come to check up on us like a good little bitch?"

Jacob's head snapped towards Miranda, her fellow Cerberus Operative looking ready to say something in her defense. Miranda cut him off before he could start. "I was just coming to get something to eat, actually."

Miranda would not fall for the bait. That had happened already once before (once too many if you asked Miranda), when Jack stormed into her office after her mini trip to Pragia. In the end, Shepard came in and broke them up, Miranda thankful of the Commander's wicked sense of timing.

Despite acting all cool and collected in front of her CO after that spat, Miranda was rather embarrassed by the whole thing. She was never one to lose her cool like that (unless Oriana was involved, but that was the only exception), yet she almost did. Having to explain to the Illusive Man how Jack suddenly ended up as a bloody smear across her office walls would have been an interesting discussion to say the least. It was only thanks to Shepard that it never got that far.

"You may want to reconsider that decision, Miss Lawson," Kasumi said in a quiet voice. It was very clear the Master Thief was doing everything in her power not to get the attention of the Mess Sergeant mere feet away from them all. The older man was currently overlooking a large bubbling pot on the stove.

"I've had my fair share of all sorts of cuisines over the years," Kasumi continued. "But even I don't know what this is. Nor do I want to."

It was only then did Miranda get a good look at the food on everyone's plates. Or rather, not food but bubbling puddles of tar. The Cerberus Operative assumed the dish to be a kind of stew, or maybe a curry, or maybe... Miranda stopped guessing once the full smell of it hit her in the face. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be sickened by the smell or excited about it. When you were hungry, just about anything smelled good.

"No offense to Rupert," Garrus said, also keeping a hush hush sort of tone. "But even I'm not sure I can stomach this. We Turians may have stomachs like steel, a human analogy I believe, but still, I would rather not test my luck again. A rocket to the face was bad enough."

Ice blue eyes narrowed in on Garrus' food. Looking back and forth between Kasumi's plate and Garrus' plate, Miranda couldn't see a noticeable difference between them. Both plates were covered in a black, boiling goop. Aside from the different coloured embellishments (Garrus had what looked to be blue sea urchin shavings on his, while Kasumi seemed to have spirals of red onions on hers), they looked exactly the same. Quite the worrisome thought considering Turian food was deadly to humans and vice versa.

"Ah, Operative Lawson," came a new voice to the conversation. Everyone at the table immediately straightened up as Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner wandered over to them, a plate of steaming muk in his hands for Shepard's second-in-command.

"You're just in time for lunch." Gardner smiled at Miranda, holding up the plate to her.

"Actually, I was just-"

Miranda could do and say little else before the Mess Sergeant practically shoved the plate into her unwilling hands. This earned the man an icy glare, but Rupert didn't seem to notice it.

"This is a new secret recipe of mine," the cook confided in the Cerberus Operative, the older man failing to notice the hesitant glances from the rest of the crew around him. All except for Engineer Kenneth Donnelly seemed unwilling to touch the black stuff, the Scottish engineer chowing down on it like it was the first food he had had in months. Apparently this was better than his grandfather's hagus, or so he told Engineer Gabriella Daniels who sat next to him at another table.

"Kenneth," Gabriella said unimpressed. "You've never had your grandfather's hagus before."

"So what?" replied Donnelly. "I'm still sure this is better than his hagus anyhow. I heard it's disgusting stuff."

Gabriella sighed.

"Secret... recipe...?" Miranda questioned, turning her attention back to the cook. She didn't like the sound of that.

Rupert nodded. "The Chef's Surprise."

Miranda knew a lot about secrets. Cerberus secrets. Shepard's secrets. Her own secrets. Some secrets were good ones. Like her sister Oriana. And some were just horrible. Rupert's secret recipe seemed to fall under the latter category.

"Truth be told, I didn't have much to work with," Gardner continued to ramble. "There's only so much even I could do with military provisions. If I could only get my hands on some quality ingredients-"

"Then maybe the food would taste more like food and less like ass," grumbled another crew member from the table behind them. Laughs went all around the mess hall.

"Yeah, yeah," Gardner said indignantly. "Laugh it up. Just you wait until... uh oh."

"Is that a good uh oh or a bad uh oh?" Jacob asked, his face twisting in concern.

"What's wrong?" Miranda's eyes immediately followed the Mess Sergeant's gaze, the Cerberus Operative feeling a flutter of worry in her stomach.

At first, she didn't see anything out of the ordinary in the kitchen. That is, until her gaze fell upon two opened food packages next to the boiling pot of black ooze. One package was clearly labelled as human only consumable. The other package was labelled as Turian or Quarian only consumable. Both were empty. And there was only one pot on the stove right now. Miranda slowly turned her attention back to the gawking Rupert next to her.

"You mixed human and Turian food together!" Miranda was fuming. It was bad enough the crew had the Collectors and the Reapers out to kill them. They didn't need their own cook poisoning them too.

"I'm sure it's not what it looks like," Mess Sergeant Gardner quickly said in his own defense. "I probably just forgot to throw one out before I started on the other-"

A pitiful moan.

"Kenneth!" Gabriella exclaimed, grabbing everyone's attention. She was on her feet shaking and her fellow engineer by the shoulders, Kenneth clutching at his stomach and groaning in his chair.

"Suddenly, I don't feel so good Gabby." Kenneth moaned again.

Only later would everyone find out that Engineer Donnelly's stomach ache was due to him eating three plates of food in less than ten minutes and not actually due to food poisoning. It was as Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner said, he had just forgotten to throw out the food packaging from before.

"Dr. Chakwas! Dr. Chakwas!" Engineer Daniels went racing into the infirmary in a panic.

Miranda turned back to Rupert and glared.

The Mess Sergeant laughed wearily. "It's not my fault all the military provisions look the same!" he exclaimed. By now, everyone had pushed their plates of food away from them and were rising from their chairs.

Miranda shoved the food in her hands back at Gardner, not even waiting to see if the man caught it or not. She was about to storm back into her office, ready to right up a report about the incident, when the Mess Sergeant's words stopped her dead in her tracks.

"I guess someone should tell the Commander not to eat the food then."

Miranda spun around instantly. "You fed that poison to the Commander?"

"I dropped off a plate to her cabin fifteen minutes ago-"

Miranda was already walking towards the elevator before Rupert finished his sentence. "EDI," she said upon entering. "Patch me through to Shepard."

Shepard's second-in-command nervously tapped her foot as the elevator doors closed, having already slammed the button on the control panel for her CO's cabin with her fist.

"Commander Shepard is not responding," EDI replied seconds later.

Miranda's heart almost stopped. "What do you mean she's not responding?"

"It is as I said before Operative Lawson," came EDI's synthetic reply.

By now, the elevator had stopped and the doors opened up into the small hallway leading to Shepard's personal cabin. The holographic lock on the door was red.

"EDI, open the doors," Miranda said striding over to the said doors in three steps.

"May I remind you Miss Lawson-" EDI began her rebuff. But Miranda would not let the AI finish.

"Open the doors now EDI, or I will!"

Miranda was by no means a tech expert, nor was she a decent hacker. But having had a big hand in building the Normandy SR-2, the Cerberus Operative knew enough when it came to internal security and how to get around it. And EDI knew it too.

Silence.

"As you command, Operative Lawson."

The doors to Shepard's cabin barely swished open before Miranda started to move. Upon entering her CO's room, she was quick to note the plate of Gardner's food on Shepard's desk, with the spoon that came with it on the floor. Globs of black decorated the desk and floor next to the spoon. Scanning Shepard's cabin further, her eyes widened in shock when she found Commander Shepard on the floor, at the foot of her bed, seemingly unconscious.

"Shepard!"

~ 5 minutes ago ~

Commander Shepard didn't get it. Why wasn't this working? She was so sure it would work, yet for the umpteenth time, she had been proven wrong.

The first human Spectre had just returned to her room after a particular strenuous workout session in the cargo bay. This was a secret project of hers, for a month now, with only Mordin and EDI knowing about it. Jack may have known something was up, but the biotic had yet to say anything to anyone about it.

For a while now, since being revived from the dead through the Lazarus Project, Shepard felt her combat abilities were not as they should be. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, merely that she felt off whenever she found herself in a firefight. Thankfully no one else seemed to notice anything wrong, but even so, Shepard was a secret perfectionist and wouldn't accept anything less from herself. So she devised combat training regiment in secret. Mordin was only too happy to help her prepare a special practice armor, one of which would simulate impacts from shots from holographic opponents. Working closely with EDI, Shepard was able to create a holographic training ground in the cargo bay to work out her issues.

She had been at it for nearly three hours by the time she decided to call it quits for the day. Sore, bruised and aching, Shepard half limped out of the cargo bay, making her up to her cabin without incident. Thankfully, most of the crew were in the mess hall eating lunch now, and hadn't seen her in this sorry state. EDI offered to call Dr. Chakwas up to have a look at her, but Shepard declined. She didn't want to waste the good doctor's time, especially over a few bruises. Shepard healed a lot faster nowadays, and was sure these minor aches and pains would be gone by tomorrow. Shepard's pride however, would not recover as quickly, especially if the doctor, or someone else for the matter, were to find her like this. And that is why she made sure to lock her cabin door behind her and told EDI to shoo everyone away for the next hour. If questioned about it, EDI was to reply that Shepard was unavailable.

Taking off her helmet, the lovely scent of food floated to Shepard's nose. Her stomach grumbled noisily as she laid eyes on the plate of food on her desk. Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner was a life saver. Taking off her practice armor and tossing it into her bathroom (she'd need to give it a good wipe down later, she being sweaty and gross right now), Shepard hobbled her way over to her desk. While the food didn't look very appetizing (it resembled thresher maw vomit in her opinion), Rupert Gardner was a good guy and Shepard knew better than to question his culinary skills.

He had requested some special ingredients from the Citadel a few days ago, now that she thought about it. Shepard felt particularly bad about the delay in getting them. She wasn't the type to leave people hanging like that. Damn the Illusive Man and his cryptic missions. She'd get to them soon though, after she ate and showered that is. Now that their newest member, Zaeed, had dealt with his personal issues relating to the Blue Suns, they could continue on with their main mission, among other things.

Not even waiting to sit down, Shepard grabbed the spoon off the plate and scooped up a good serving of bubbly black. She raised it to her mouth.

"Shepard."

Commander Shepard jumped in surprise, dropping her spoon and spilling its contents all over the front of her shirt, desk and floor. Lovely.

"Sorry for the interruption, Commander," EDI said.

Shepard sighed. "No, no, it's alright." She searched for a napkin but found none handy. "What is it?"

"Operative Lawson is hailing you."

Commander Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "Does it have something to do with the Reapers or Collectors?"

"No," EDI replied. "But-"

"Then tell her I'm unavailable right now," Shepard said. She knew EDI was going to protest further, so she cut her off before the AI could. "Just for an hour," Shepard commented. "I just want to be left alone for an hour."

"Understood, Commander," Normandy's AI said before going silent.

Shepard breathed in relief. She then made her way over to her closet for a change of clothes. As hungry as she was, she refused to eat with half her shirt already stained with food. Partway to her closet, with her shirt halfway off her head, Shepard failed to notice she'd reached the edge of the stairs in the middle of her cabin and ended up tumbling down them. She crashed to the floor hard, her aching muscles screaming in protest at the rough treatment.

"Ugh..."

"Are you alright, Commander?" EDI's voice, though synthetic, was filled with concern.

"Just peachy, EDI," Shepard replied. "Just peachy."

"Shall I get Dr-"

"No, no. No need to bother the good doctor. I'm fine."

"As you say, Shepard." And EDI went silent once more.

Commander Shepard groaned, rolling onto her side and curling up. Wow. She knew she was sore from training, but not this sore. Sliding her shirt back down, all thoughts of changing was now pushed out of her mind. Shepard decided it was best to nap first. Yes. Nap, then food, then shower. And then they'll go to the Citadel to get the ingredients for Mess Sergeant Gardner.

Sadly, no rest would come to the Commander. Not even a second after she closed her eyes and resigned herself to sleep on the floor (it hurt too much to actually get up and crawl into bed), the door to her cabin swished open and none other than Miranda walked in, yelling her name. Shepard sighed.

What did it take for a girl to get a break around here?