A/N: FIRST MERLIN FANFIC! Yay!

Honestly, I didn't even know about this show until I randomly decided to read a fanfic about it. I still don't know why I did, but I am sure glad I did, because I frickin LOVE it. So here's my foray into the Merlin fandom. Hope you all enjoy it!

Set post-reveal, it's Arthur and Merlin complaining about how people always think that they're in a relationship. Before I get a million flames, this isn't to bash gay marriage/couples/relationships/anything (love is love, that's how I see it). It's just a fun mockery of how people write all sorts of OOC portrayals of Arthur and his secret warlock lover Merlin, and miss the fact that maybe they're just FRIENDS.

Reviewers get Colin Morgan and his smexy accent (He's not even mine to give away, but hey, a girl can dream)

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"Merlin, this is all your fault!"

From his seat, Merlin watched Arthur pace around the room with all the poise of Kilgharrah in a ceramic shop.

"How is it my fault?" he said indignantly. "I wasn't that ridiculous dignitary who suggested that we were having – " he shuddered and dropped his voice to a whisper. " – sexual relations."

"Well, he must have gotten the idea from somewhere!"

"Well it wasn't me!" The king and the warlock glared at each other before Merlin spoke up. "I don't understand where people get these ideas."

"It's idiotic," Arthur grumbled. "Every time I save your life in battle, I always hear a whisper about how I did it because I wouldn't be able to survive without you. Have these people never heard of something called friendship?"

Merlin nodded fiercely in agreement. "Every time I stop another sorcerer from attacking, I get the same thing."

"Why?" Arthur stomped across the room, wringing his hands. "Why, why, why?"

Agitated, Merlin got off his seat and joined Arthur in his pacing. "It's perfectly fine if the town boys strip and go to the pond together, but as soon as you and I so much as even go on a quest together, I come back to fan fictions of how we were making love in a forest glade!"

Arthur snorted with amusement but has a curious look on his face. "What's-" he paused for emphasis. "-Fan Fiction?"

Merlin waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, some of the gossipy court women like to write the latest rumors on their fans and circulate them around."

"Huh," Arthur said, a bemused look on his face. "Wonders never cease."

"Anyways," Merlin continued. "I thought that the rumors would eventually die down after you were married, but you've been in love with Gwen for ages, and they continue to persist! Some people actually say that you're married to hide the fact that I'm your secret lover!" Merlin finished in a strangled voice.

Arthur sat down heavily and ran a hand over his face. "Please tell me Gwen has not heard any of these stories," he moaned.

His wife's lovely laughter filled the room, shattering his prayers. Gwen brushed a kiss on the top of her husband's head as she smiled widely. "Sorry, too late." She laughed some more at the look on Arthur's face, and Merlin sniggered as well. The smile, however, was wiped off his face when she continued. "I have to admit that I had my doubts initially. I've never met two fully grown men who still play tag in the courtyard."

The men immediately launched into justifying themselves.

"That was one time Gwen, and Merlin's like the idiotic younger brother that I'm obligated to keep from doing anything stupid, not that that stops him anyw-"

"Gwen, the man you married is an overgrown child that I have to keep from mucking everything up -"

They stopped, looked at each other, and spoke in unison. "What did you say?"

Before they could tackle one another, Gwen spoke up. "Well, no matter what people say, I think it's sweet." As she exited the room however, she tossed a final laughing insult over her shoulder. "Even though I sometimes wonder whether I married Arthur or Arthur andMerlin."

The men groaned. Merlin hit his head against the dresser.

"It is impossible," he said in a strangled voice, "for two perfectly heterosexual men to have a relationship without secretly pining for each other in the beauty of the moonlight?"

Arthur slumped and nodded in agreement. "This cannot continue." He lapsed into silence, and then brightened. "Can't you – " he waved his hands spastically " – cast some sort of spell that would make everyone forgot that we existed?"

Merlin shot a withering, why-is-the-once-and-future-king-also-the-once-and-future-idiot look towards him. Arthur looked appropriately abashed.

A contemplative silence fell across the room.

Arthur finally heaved a sigh. "I guess we'll have to avoid each other in public for a while. Again." he muttered.

"It's kind of hard to do that when I literally spend every second of my day with you." Merlin pointed out reasonably.

"No you do n-"

"I wake you up, bring you breakfast, go over your itinerary, stamp your papers, accompany you to court meetings, practice magical defense with your knights, sit next to you at feasts, speak at every single one of your events, follow you along to every quest, and accompany you to every foreign kingdom." Merlin stopped and gasped for breath, winded.

"Oh," he added, once he had recovered. "I also conjure up bubbles every time you take a bath."

Arthur stopped and looked at Merlin. "Huh."

But like a true king, he regained his poise and continued his speech, unfazed. "Well then, if we can't avoid each other, then as king, I decree that there will be – " he puffed his chest and straightened his posture, not noticing Merlin rolling his eyes, " – no public slaps on the back, no handshakes, no playing tag in the courtyard, no headlocks, no helping each other with our gauntlets, no subtle glances, no smiling, no laughing, and no touching."

Arthur paused and concluded. "Just avoid looking in my direction altogether, how about that?"

Merlin shrugged despondently. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose."

Arthur nodded sagely. "So be it then."

Merlin grinned at Arthur, and the king grinned back, both of them happy they had finally found a solution to their problem. As time lapsed, their smiles softened but their eyes remained locked in a gaze of pure and unspoken affection for the other, the court sorcerer and the king, the blond and the brunette, each side of the same coin. It was a gaze of more than friendship, it was the gaze of brothers.

"ARTHUR, the -" Merlin and Arthur jerked out of their stupor as Gwaine came barreling through the door, shouting at the top of his lungs. Upon seeing their silent exchange, he skidded to a stop and watched them turn away from each other and towards him in alarm. He grinned wickedly and ran out the door as quickly as he had come in.

"We'll have to come back later Leon, the princess and the witch are making love with their eyes again!" Leon's low laugh sounded at Gwaine's words and footsteps began to echo down the hall.

Arthur and Merlin looked at each other and hurtled out the door, bellowing for the chuckling knight.

"GWAINE!"

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