Zombies are for Realz
Chapter 1: Walmart Shopping
So here I was, under my bed covers, watching this funny yet really scary ass film called Zombieland. I was shitting myself, but laughing at the same time! It was sooo weiiiirrrd. Tony was nowhere to be seen either. Maybe he was playing Call of Duty or something.
By the time it finished, I really wanted a good ol' twinkie, know what I mean? Every part of the movie practically had Woody all like "Mmm yeah, need a good ol' Twinkie while smashing some zombie brains."
I mean, they had all that Hostess goodness packed in one movie! And it was EVERYWHERE too. Mmm yeah. Love them Snowballs. Heheh.
Kay, bro hah, so maybe it wasn't a good idea to go get some Twinkies at 10:23 PM, (exact, right?) especially since I have to leave early cause I'm the host country for the World Meeting tomorrow. But you know what? I'm hungry.
So I didn't change out of my jammies cause I was going to Wal-Mart. Super Wal-Mart. They have everything there, even weirdos. It's alright for them to see me in my awesome Spiderman jammies. Yeah.
I put on my shoes really quick. I wasn't about to wear my slippers there! I mean, it's Wal-Mart, and gross weirdo shoes walk through there every day. Don't want to catch me some weirdo germs. If you don't believe me, just google "People of Walmart." I swear, some of those pics can give anyone nightmares.
As I was saying, I put on some shoes and patted ma Whale goodnight. (Yes, I have a pet whale, don't judge.) I think he was asleep, but couldn't tell for sure. I called out to Tony too. Apparently he wasn't in my apartment. Maybe he got himself a martian girlfriend to keep himself busy or something. (If ya know what I mean *wink * wink*.)
Okay, so I walked out of my apartment and drove to my local Super Wal-Mart, and it was awesome. (No Prussia moment intended.) I still felt a little spooked out from that movie though, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel a little harder. I even looked behind me, since that Columbus guy said to always check behind the seat in case a zombie was chillin' back there. You just never know.
The second I got there I went to the snack section, cause ya know, I wanted this to be quick. (No, not because I was still feeling nervous about that movie! I swear.) They had all these different hostess snacks, so I grabbed some Hoho's (cause they are sooo addicting) and two boxes of Twinkies.
When I got to the checkout line (which wasn't exactly a line, since there was just one random dude in front of me) the lady at the register and the Wal-Mart dude looked at me funny. Jerks.
.
After Wal-Mart shopping for the quest of obtaining the Twinkies and other Hostess goodies, I felt the chills again. I don't even know why! I swear, that movie keeps coming back to haunt me.
I walked cautiously back to my car, it felt even more eerie since there were barely any cars in the parking lot. Dammit, maybe it wasn't a good idea to get those Twinkies, but I couldn't resist those long, creamy… just thinking of stuffing them into my mouth…
Then suddenly there was a huge thud, like BAM. There must be a damn good reason for that thud, because it totally just ruined my Twinkie fantasies.
It was silent for 15 seconds (cause I'm specific like that) before I heard more weird noises.
I was trying to figure out where it was coming from, cause it was like, freakishly dark, so I just sorta squinted my eyes and stood in place. (No, not in fear.)
That's when I noticed IT.
YES, "IT".
It was stumbling around the corner, close to a bush, and kept making gurgling noises. A few times it looked like it was about to fall, but quickly regained its balance.
Slowly but surely, it was moving closer… And closer…
DUDE IT HAD TO BE A ZOMBIE OKAY? WHAT ELSE STUMBLES AROUND AT NIGHT MAKING CREEPY… ZOMBIE NOISES!?
Who was I gonna call to help me? And no, not the Ghost Busters, cause that thing sure of hell wasn't a ghost.
So, to proceed in the most delicate fashion, I did what I felt would be most appropriate given to the situation I was currently in.
I screamed and tried to get the fudge out of there.
Jeez, I know y'all are probably judgin', but who wouldn't scream (and it was manly for your information) when you see a freaking zombie. Plus, I think I only aggravated it more cause it was all like 'RAAAWRR' and stuff.
Well.
I didn't know what else to do, cause it was seriously pissed. I think it was saying something too, but zombies can't talk, silly me.
It was like, "-Maricaaaa mwwwrrrppph jetttt." Yeah, I think that was zombie gibberish or something.
So, being the hero I am, (that thing was running at gazelle speedpower!) I hit it good. Smashed 'em just like Woody would. He'd be so proud.
I even double tapped him like those "32 Rules to Surviving in Zombieland" said. Yeah, I so deserve some Twinkies after this. But then I noticed that this zombie looked pretty familiar.
That's when I sorta realized it was England. Hahaha... Oops.
But his clothes were all smashed and ripped and stuff. Not to mention he had bags under his eyes! They even had this glossy deluded glare to them (it was crazy shit.) His hair was also pretty screwed up, but that doesn't count since it usually looks like that. I think there was a little blood trickling down from his mouth, even before I hit him on the side of his head.
That's when I finally became enlightened.
England must have turned into a zombie! That's the only explanation for this.
It makes perfect sense. What other reason would he have to act all creepy while trying to sneak up on me with blood trickling out of his mouth like that? I bet he was eating a manwich before he got here.
That must be it... I know in WWII he was awesome at spying and stuff, but creeping up on me is just not cool yo. And why would he do it anyway? Unless he's some stalker or something, but the England I know wouldn't do that.
Yeah, he's totally a zombie.
A/N: Hi there, this is my first fanfic, yay! 8D
Those of you who haven't watched Zombieland, SHAME ON YOU. (Yes it's an actual movie.) Since I usually watch hardcore horror movies, I'd say it's just a comedy. But knowing America, he probably was scared.