Hey hey hey! I know it's been a while, but I've been supremely busy lately. This update is still not the one I started writing ages ago, but I have immense writer's block on that one, so have one I wrote quick today in honour of Klaine AU Friday, the theme for which this week is 'farmer!klaine'. Enjoy!

Come say hi to me on tumblr at 'inallofohio'

Disclaimer: I don't own glee. Never have, never will.

'I miss being on a farm, honey. It's how I grew up, and it's how I want to grow old.'

'That's great dad' I said absently, barely listening to what he was saying as I wrote a lesson plan for one of my classes.

'I'm glad you think so, because I'm going to need your help. Elaine got a far better deal in the divorce than I did, and well, the farm I found is a bit of a fixer upper…'

'Hmm…' I replied, scratching out what I'd just written as the word farm found its way into the middle of a sentence about mitochondria.

'So it'd be really great if you and Evie could come up and help get it in working order. You could bring Kurt, Blaine and Tori too, come up for the week, make it sort of a working holiday?'

'Yeh sure dad, sounds good' I answered, not registering what I'd just agreed to in the slightest.

'Brilliant! I know you've got October half term coming up, why don't you all come up then?'

'Okay dad' I answered distractedly, 'look I have to go, I'm lesson planning at the minute and then I have a whole pile of exams to mark'

'Alright then old girl, go off and be brilliant. I'll send you the directions by email, and I'll see you in two weeks. Don't forget your wellies!'

'I won't dad… Wait, wellies? Wha-'

Before I could ask what I'd just agreed to, the end tone sounded on the other end of the line. Shrugging, I returned to my work, only to be interrupted a few minutes later by the ping of a new email notification.

From: Dad

Subject: Coming up to the farm

Can't wait to see you all here! Make sure you pack plenty of warm clothes, the heating isn't the best at the minute and I don't want you to freeze. Bring lots of waterproof outdoor clothes too, you remember autumn on a farm, don't you? Tell Kurt that that Andrew McKing man doesn't make a sturdy pair of walking boots! I've attached a map for the farm… Well I hope I have. Let me know. I love you and I'll see you at half term.

Crap.

'No. Absolutely no way on earth. I'm sorry Kim, but you'll just have to tell your dad that we're not coming.'

I tried to approach Kurt to ask at a time when he'd be the most receptive, figuring that if he was more relaxed then he'd be more likely to say yes. I forgot to factor in the simple point that he's at home most of the day with a toddler and therefore doesn't get much time to be calm.

Regardless, I attempted when Tori was having her afternoon nap and we were sitting on the sofa eating the cupcakes I'd brought over (A bribe? From me? Never…).

'But why not?' I asked, 'you know Tori would love it, getting all muddy and meeting all the animals. And we could really use you and Blaine to help, my dad can't afford to hire a lot of workers to get it fixed up, he needs to save the money to hire people to actually help run the farm…'

I saw his cool exterior begin to crumble. Kurt loves my dad, he'd never want to do anything that'd put him in such a difficult situation.

'I grew up on a farm' I continued, 'and I loved every second of it. I bet Tori will too. It's a sheep farm he's bought, but he's got all sorts of animals, she'll have a blast.'

Kurt sighed, setting down the carrot cupcake in his hand.

'Look, you and Evie are coming over for dinner tonight, we can talk about it then-'

I squealed but he clasped a hand over my mouth, cutting me off.

'Only talk. No guarantees. Farms are dirty and basic and a host of diseases, but it's a maybe. And that's more than I thought I'd give you.' he replied with a playful smirk.

'Well, I can work with a maybe' I said, 'as can Blaine…'

'Oh god don't remind me' he groaned, 'he's gonna pull out the puppy eyes and then I won't be able to say no.'

'And that, my dear' I replied, 'is my not-so-secret weapon'

'But Kurt' Blaine said, puppy eyes indeed out in full force, 'think about it. It'll be so romantic. We'll be out in the countryside, under the stars. Kim and Evie could babysit for us, or Greg could, you know he adores Tori. We could have a picnic by starlight, it'll be awesome.'

'We'd actually have to work during the day Blaine, that's why Kim's dad wants us up there in the first place' replied Kurt wearily.

'Yes, during the day' said Blaine with a grin, 'but the nights will be all our own…'

Kurt glanced around the table, at mine and Kim's hopeful faces, at Blaine's sort of lascivious smile and then to Tori, who had no idea what was going on but was engrossed in the episode of 'Big Barn Farm' that was playing on the television in the background.

'Fine'

'Well' said Blaine, jumping from the passenger seat of his and Kurt's range rover to open the gate to the farm's driveway, 'it does look a little…'

'Rustic is the word I believe you're looking for, Blaine' replied Kurt, 'it's very rustic. Has a lot of potential though, I can see why your dad bought it.'

I hmmed in reply as Blaine hopped back in and we drove down the short road to the main farmhouse. Being in the middle of nowhere as it was, and already hidden down miles of twisty Shropshire back roads, the driveway was a lot shorter than most and my dad was already waiting for us in the yard when we parked.

As soon as I managed to shuffle from the backseat, disgruntled pet pug in arm, I was engulfed in the strong arms of my father.

'Hello Kimmy' he said, voice thick with emotion. I realised that it had been over four months since we had last seen each other. Despite our promise to each other that we wouldn't let it be that long, life tends to get in the way.

'Hey dad' I replied, pulling away when Ernie started wriggling in my arms from being squashed. I set him down on the floor, where he proceeded to trot into the house. That dog has no manners.

'Now' said my dad, clapping his hands together and addressing everyone, nodding at Kurt and Blaine where they were busy unloading the bags from the car, and Evie who was holding Tori in a death grip to prevent her trying to run off and see the chickens, 'it's already pretty late so we're not going to get anything done tonight, but the work starts bright and early tomorrow morning! You're only here for a week, and there's lots to be done, so after dinner go to bed early so you're nice and refreshed. Any questions?'

'Err, hey Mr Miller?' said Evie, transferring Tori to Kurt, 'I have a question.'

'Yes Evie?' he answered.

'What's for dinner?'

'Kim, I adore your father, I really do, but he's a slave driver. There's no other word for it.'

We'd been on the farm for five days by then, and my dad had certainly kept up with his promise to get us working. There was a huge amount to be done to get the farm in working order, and only the five of us to do it. Needless to say, we were all a bit exhausted.

I turned to see Kurt squelching through the mud towards me, his bright red Hunter wellies unrecognizable through the caked on dirt on them, carrying some planks of wood to patch up a few holes in the stable's structure.

'My moisturising routine is going to have to be considerably altered when we get home to combat all this hard labour' he groaned, depositing the planks at my feet and looking forlornly at his admittedly cracked palms.

'Oh stop complaining' I replied, 'your hands will be fine. By the way, where's Blaine?'

'Oh your dad gave him permission to take Tori to feed the chickens. I have no doubt that they'll both fall head over heels in love with them and we'll end up getting some of our own…'

'Well…' I replied, assessing the work left to be done, 'we're quite a bit ahead of our schedule right now, why don't we go and spend the day with the animals?'

'Me and animals don't really get along…' Kurt said hesitantly.

'Nonsense, you like Ernie! Come on, you get to spend the day with your husband and daughter…'

'Fine' Kurt replied, 'but I need to go back to the house to get some wet wipes and hand sanitizer. I do not want to be getting swine flu…'

'Dadda! Papa! Sheeps!'

After spending the morning with the chickens, we'd all packed some food and headed up to the sheep field to have a picnic lunch. Tori was unsuccessfully chasing the fluffiest ones on her unstable legs, whilst Ernie was unsuccessfully chasing the sheepdog Bessie on his.

'Looks like Bessie has herself an admirer, Greg' said Blaine, smiling as his daughter returned to us with a handful of daisies in her little fist.

'It's well and good that he can't do anything about it then. A border collie/pug cross wouldn't make a very good working dog' replied my dad.

Before any of us could answer, Tori dropped down into Kurt's lap and thrust her findings at his face.

'Well thank you darling, do you want me to put these in your hair?' he asked gently, prising the crushed flowers from her hand.

She nodded emphatically and he started to thread them into her wild curls, which she refused to tame and were now halfway down her back.

'You know honey, I'd be able to put the flowers in better if you let me brush yo-'

'No' replied Tori stubbornly, 'like papa's hair.'

Blaine chuckled and ran his hand guiltily through his own messy curls, mouthing a 'sorry' at his husband.

'Okay, just like papa's hair it is' he replied, pulling Tori into his arms and leaning back against Blaine, 'you know Greg, this is a really beautiful spot. Thank you for asking us to come up here for the week, it's really been wonderful.'

'Well, I can't say I wasn't asking for selfish reasons' answered my dad, 'I haven't seen my girl in far too long. Plus I really did need the help. But anyway.

Seeing as you're going home in two days, I figure I can give you all the night off. I'll babysit Tori, you kids go and have some fun okay?'

'Thanks Greg' said Blaine gratefully, 'I have had something planned all week…'

As Evie and I set off for the pub that night, we saw Blaine leading a blindfolded Kurt towards the field, carrying a wicker basket in the crook of his shoulder.

'Have a nice night ladies!' he cried, laughing when Kurt whipped his head around to the wrong direction, obviously disorientated.

'You too!' we replied, laughing as again Kurt tried to turn to the location of our voices, 'don't get lost!'

Blaine laughed and continued leading his husband up to the field. It was a cool clear night, and obviously his original romantic plan of eating under the stars was one he was fully intending to keep to.

We stumbled into bed far too late and far too drunk to register our surroundings, but when we awoke the next morning, we were puzzled. My dad was asleep on the living room sofa, Tori snuggled into his side, also deep in the land of slumber, and Kurt and Blaine were nowhere to be found. Slightly worried (it is a rather large and remote farm after all, they could've gotten seriously lost), I shook my dad awake.

'Dad' I whispered, careful not to wake Tori, 'dad, Kurt and Blaine aren't back yet. They went for a picnic up in the back field last night, I'm worried about them, they don't know the country very well, especially not in the dark.'

'Okay' he murmured, 'okay. Go get dressed and then find the maps, we'll go looking for them now.'

He looked at my worried face and smiled slightly.

'Don't worry old girl, I know these hills like the back of my hand, they can't have gone far.'

Twenty minutes later, Dad, Evie and I were ready to go, Tori strapped to my back in a carrier, her hair still matted with the daisies and asking for her parents.

'Where dadda and papa?'

'We're off to go find them now honey', I replied, 'they probably went on an adventure.'

'Kay' she mumbled, drifting off back to sleep against my shoulder.

We set off towards the sheep fields, after checking all the buildings in the main farm compound with no luck. We got up to the land to find that the ground was soaked through, and therefore Kurt and Blaine likely got caught in a serious rainstorm. It only made me worry further.

'Okay, you have maps and compasses. I'm going to take Bessie and look down south, you girls go north and we'll meet back here in two hours. If we haven't found 'em by then, I'm calling search and rescue. The storm looks like it hit pretty bad.' said my dad.

We nodded and set on our way, heading north to the flatter more open part of the farmland. It was highly unlikely that Kurt and Blaine would've headed this way, away from the shelter, but we had to check.

'Kim, where dadda and papa?' asked Tori against my shoulder blade. I could feel her getting more and more upset and agitated.

'We're looking for them now, okay baby? See if you can see them, and then tell me if you do.'

She sat up straighter and craned her neck to look. I could only hope we were successful.

When we returned to the meeting point two hours later, it was with grim faces. Tori was nearing inconsolable at this point, and we'd found no sign.

When we saw my dad approaching, it was with the wicker basket.

'Found this on the back field, right where we were at lunch yesterday. Everything's eaten and there were two bottles of wine in there, mostly empty. If they were drunk too, then it's gonna make this even harder.' he said, face schooled into a neutral expression so as not to alarm Tori.

'Guess we need to call in the professionals then' I sighed, reaching round to pull Tori into my arms, muffling her distressed sobs against my neck.

We walked back to the house in silence, Tori passed out asleep from exhausting herself through her crying. I handed her to Evie and turned to them both.

'I'm going to go feed the horses. I need to do… I need to do something. Let me know when the search and rescue guys get here, okay?'

They both nodded, none of us in the mood for making conversation that wasn't absolutely necessary.

I've always felt more at peace in the stables. We had one horse on the farm on which I grew up, an old but steady mare called Luna, and looking after her always made me more relaxed. As I made my way to the stables, despite my state of fear and worry I couldn't help but sink a little into that calm state.

'Hello girls' I said as I walked in, 'how are we today?'

A few of them whinnied in reply, but the majority just ignored me. It wasn't those noises that put me on alert though. It was the rustling coming from the hayloft above.

I knew that the most obvious cause would be a mouse, or even a cat moving around up there. I'd definitely checked there before we'd left and there'd been nothing up there but mounds and mounds of hay.

Despite this, I began to climb the ladder when I noticed a flash of red out of the corner of my eye. I got to the top and reached over, to find one of Kurt's boots almost completely covered by the hay. Feeling hopeful, I carried on digging to find Blaine's shirt, Kurt's jeans and both of their… Both of their boxers…

My final dig under the hay left me grasping something warm and moving. I screamed and fell backwards onto a pile of hay to see a foot emerge from the mess, followed by a leg and then followed by a…

A very very naked Blaine Hummel-Anderson.

'Wuzgoinon?' he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his fist, 'Kurr-?'

'Hmm?' came a muffled noise from beneath the hay next to him, followed by a very dishevelled Kurt, holding a half empty bottle of… Oh dear god.

'YOU HAD SEX UP HERE?'

'What?' replied Kurt, still half asleep, 'what did we- AHHHH'

In his panic, he threw the small blue bottle in the opposite direction, and scrabbled around to find something to cover himself up with, having to settle on wriggling back down into the hay to preserve his modesty.

Blaine, meanwhile, being a very un-morning person, was still trying to locate his brain.

'Kurt?' he slurred, 'what happened? There's lots of hay…'

'Oh god Blaine shut up…' moaned Kurt, clutching his head and turning to me with guilty eyes.

'I'm so sorry' he whispered.

'You better be.' I replied, 'we've been out all morning searching for you. Your daughter is a wreck, and my dad has probably just called search and rescue. I am going to go and inform them that you are safe, and you are going to find your clothes and then come and tell us all why you are currently naked in my dad's hayloft. Without the explicit details. Okay?'

Kurt nodded shamefully in response, and leaned over to poke Blaine hard in the ribs.

'We'll be down soon' he replied quietly.

'-and then it started raining, so we knew we had to find shelter. We managed to find the path back to the farm, but we only got as far as the barn before the storm got really bad so we just ducked in there and climbed in the hayloft. We were both freezing and then Kurt remembered that in that sort of situation you need to be naked and share body heat, or we could've gotten hypothermia! And then well, we were both drunk and naked and you know, one thing led to another and-'

'We do not need to know what led to what, thank you' said my dad, cutting off Blaine's rambling and raising his hand, 'we're just glad that you're safe. We were so worried about you two.'

'We know' replied Kurt, 'and I don't think we'll ever be able to say sorry enough times to make up for this. God you must've been so scared.'

'We were' I said, pouring everyone a cup of tea, as per British law in these sorts of situations. Well any situation…, 'but I think you need to apologise to Tori the most.'

'We do, don't we darling' said Blaine, leaning in to Tori where she was curled into Kurt's chest, 'we're very very very sorry Miss Tori. We were very bad daddies.'

'Bad daddy' she repeated sleepily, overtired from the excitement of seeing her fathers again.

'That's right honey. It won't happen again.' assured Kurt, kissing her still adorned curls.

'Now, I don't care what shenanigans you boys got up to last night, all I care about is that I have a farm to get into working order and you were recruited as help. So, chop chop!'

'Thank you dad, it's been wonderful' I said as I leaned in to hug my father, 'aside from the obvious of course…'

'Of course.' he chuckled, 'don't you ever let them forget that. Bribery material for the rest of your lives, old girl, don't waste it.'

I laughed as he wrapped his arms around me again, and then pulled back.

'Anyway, you've got a long drive back to that city of yours, so you best get going. It was so lovely seeing you all.'

'You too dad' I said as I climbed into the back seat of the range rover.

We were back on the smooth A roads of Shropshire when Evie piped up.

'Okay, so you glossed over it a lot in front of Kim's dad, but did you really do it in a barn?'

Kurt groaned and Blaine laughed, leaning over to squeeze his husband's knee reassuringly.

'Kurt was very sceptical at first, but I have to admit…' he grinned cheekily, 'there's a lot to be said for hayloft sex.'

I'm not even going to attempt to say when the next update will be or what it will be, but it will exist at some point in the future. Please leave me prompts of anything in this verse that you'd like to see, but I will only write them from Kim's perpective, jsyk.