1.1.1.1 CHAPTER III
"Damn, it's getting hot."
"Tell me about it, Cid. I've been here since last night. At least in the evening, it's cooler."
"Compared to my air-conditioned office, _this_ place is the Sahara."
"Have you really been to the Sahara, Rufus?"
"Cloud…"
"Vincent, did you stash away some food down here? Cos I'm damn starving."
Vincent shook his head sadly at Elena, and then turned to Rufus. "As I recalled, you said something about a five million gil water bill."
Rufus gritted his teeth, unpleasantly reminded of the matter.
"Why is the water so expensive?" Vincent inquired.
"You see, my dear friend," Rufus answered. "Wutai Water Company has declared a rise in the cost of clean water. It's currently at a thousand gil per gallon, and now, I have to pay the price of your f$#%& carelessness!"
Vincent was unfazed, though, because he was thinking of something else. "You still didn't answer my question."
"Well, Wutai Water Company has announced that the water is completely mako- free and 100% safe from any kind of bacteria, making it potable at the same time. But all these purifying processes cost a lot, so they're skyrocketing the prices, too. Any more questions, Mr. Valentine?"
Vincent thought for a while, and then said, "One more. How come you're alive? I thought you died at the mercy of Diamond Weapon."
Reno burst out laughing from the other side of the room.
"Don't you dare, Reno…" Rufus warned through gritted teeth.
"He fell down the stairs before the missile hit the office," Reno blurted out, ignoring Rufus' threat. "He had stepped backward in fear when he saw the missile, and it just so happened that the stairs were right behind him. Isn't it coincidental?!"
"He broke most of his bones, though," Elena added. "But they were repairable."
"Ha ha, that's funny," Cloud remarked. "He escaped alive because he fell down the stairs."
Rufus merely seethed in silence.
Noticing that his g-string was slipping off again, Vincent stood up and adjusted it.
Rufus watched him with contempt. "Pathetic…" he sneered as he shrugged off his white trenchcoat, revealing a sinewy, lithe torso in a tight black sleeveless turtleneck sweater. He then tossed the overcoat to Vincent.
"Uh…thanks, Rufus," Vincent said.
"I didn't give it to you so you can cover that repulsive body of yours," Rufus corrected in a clipped tone. "I wanted to take it off anyway, because it's hot, and since you were so pitifully inconvenienced by your unfortunate mishap while you were in the tub, I decided to lend it to you, poor helpless soul that you are."
"I disagree, Rufus," Elena piped up. "I don't think Vincent has that hideous a body."
"Whatever, Elena. I always knew you were a good judge of naked men, having seen so numerous in your lifetime."
Elena made a face at the haughty executive.
"Hey, Rufus, nice idea," Reno declared as he stood up and began to unbutton his trousers.
Elena's eyes widened. "Don't tell me you want me to judge your body!"
"Hell no!" Reno answered, taking off his pants. "I meant that his idea of taking off his clothes because it's so hot is a nice one. Here ya go, Vince."
Vincent caught Reno's dark blue pants. "Uh…thanks," he said, unsure of how to reply.
"Briefs!" Cid burst out as he caught sight of Reno. "You sissy boy! Real men wear boxers!"
"In case you don't know," Rufus interrupted. "I designed those underwear. I guess this means we won't be friends."
Cid chuckled even more. "Ha! Only a sissy would wear a fag's panties."
Rufus' face practically cracked, his pride bleeding. He got up from where he was and gripped Cid's throat tightly, cutting off the pilot's air supply. "For your information, you f%$#& mudmouthed bastard…" he seethed, glaring at Cid. "I…AM NOT…A FAG!!!" He strangled Cid even harder.
Everyone jumped to their feet and struggled to pry Rufus off the bluish pilot. Fortunately, they managed to do so before Cid fell unconscious.
"Can everyone _please_ stop fighting?" Cloud pleaded.
"Tell that walking sewage system to keep his lid on," Rufus denigrated.
Cid shot him a lethal glare.
"Vincent Valentine? Are you present in the vicinity?"
The courteous masculine voice managed to call an armistice over the bickering duo as everyone glanced up hopefully.
"Vincent?"
"We're down here!!!" Vincent called as everyone trooped out of the coffin room.
The person had a strange gait as he headed towards the hole, and it took a few seconds for everyone to realize that the canine head gazing down at them wasn't human at all.
"Goodness! How diametrically superior this chasm is!" Red XIII declared.
"He means this hole is huge," Vincent murmured to Reno.
"Duh! I'm not stupid!" Reno insisted.
Cloud waved a hand at Red XIII. "Hiya, Nanaki! Whatcha here for?"
"Well, I dropped by because Vincent informed me that he had some _amanita muscaria_ lying around."
"Say #@*$& what?" Cid interjected.
"Fly agaric," Vincent answered. "It's a kind of mushroom that kills flies. Chop it into pieces and put it into milk, and you get an effectively lethal fly repellant."
"Yes, what Vincent said," Red XIII told them. "My room in Cosmo Canyon has been plagued by flies for so long that I fear my tail might unhinge from swishing them away. So, Vincent my friend, tell me where I may acquire the mushrooms so I can be on my way and bother you no more."
"Whoa, Nanaki," Cid exclaimed. "Aren't you gonna @!#%$^ rescue us?"
"With my inhuman paws? I cannot very well grip a rope with it, but I believe that it would be most effective if I rush to Cosmo Canyon and inform the Elder of this. Perhaps he can call a council meeting and discuss the most efficient means of-"
"Now, I ain't got no time for that namby-pamby $#!^!" Cid interrupted angrily. "I just want to get out of here before I @#%^# starve to death!!!"
"In the name of Rufus J. Shinra, multi-gillionaire owner of Neo-Shinra Electric Power Company, I demand that you cease this nonsense at once and rescue us!"
Nanaki blinked at Rufus, as if seeing some sort of apparition. "Rufus? You're still alive? Anyway, back to more pressing matters, wait here while I- Oh my, there's some scrumptious-looking _lepiota procera_ thriving on this side of the wall…Perhaps I can reach out and grab some before I head off…" He bent down and extended a paw down the edge.
Vincent's eyes widened, sensing impending misfortune. "Don't do that, Nanaki!" he cried, rushing forward.
"Don't you @#@^&$ do that, you @#^*^% son of a ^*&(&$!!!"
Everyone halted in their tracks and stared in bewilderment at the hot- tempered, caffeine-deprived, nicotine-devoid pilot who would dare insult a comrade in the vilest manner.
Unfortunately, Red XIII was paying them no heed as he reached for that precious patch of mushroom, and in doing so, slipped his footing and tumbled down the opening, landing in Vincent's arms.
"You have my resolute gratitude, Vincent Valentine," Red XIII gasped with relief.
This time, no one bothered to sigh with disappointment, since rescuers falling down the hole was becoming mundane.
"It seems that we are incarcerated in this location for quite some time," Red XIII remarked. "Have you exhausted all means of escape?"
The look they all gave him could have withered a tree.
"I see…" Nanaki said. "Then show me your temporary living quarters so I may rest from running all the way from Cosmo Canyon."
As soon as they entered the coffin room, Red XIII's eyes widened with excitement. "How fortunate we are! There's hundreds of _russula vesca_ thriving here!"
Everyone looked at him strangely, apparently wondering why it would be so fortunate for them.
"Don't you understand?" Red XIII said elatedly, bounding towards the walls. "These are black mushrooms! They're edible! Now we won't have to starve to death!"
Everyone else was torn between the urges to throttle Nanaki and to swipe the mushrooms from the walls and eat them raw. They chose to do the latter, though.
They all fanned out to different directions of the walls, gathering the mushrooms and wolfing them down hungrily. All was fine until a couple of minutes later.
"CLOUD! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU EATING???!!!"
All eyes turned to Cloud, who was in the process of shoving more mushrooms in his mouth. "What?" he asked, several pieces of mushroom falling from his stuffed jaws.
Nanaki stared at him in horror. "Those aren't _russula vesca_! Those are dull brown, not black with white stands!"
Cloud swallowed everything in his mouth before asking, "So?"
Red XIII looked as if he was proclaiming a death sentence, which he really was. "Those are _amanita phalloides_! Deathcaps! One of the most poisonous mushrooms ever to grow on the Planet! They're lethal! They can kill a human in moments!"
The walls of the room rang with Nanaki's words.
After several minutes of waiting (waiting for Cloud to keel over dead, probably), Rufus piped up, "He's still standing."
"Obviously, those $#!&*%& mako treatments made this kid invincible," Cid added.
Cloud apparently agreed with Cid, for he shrugged and resumed eating those dreaded deathcaps. Everyone made it a point, though, to skitter away from Cloud's location.
**************************
Later that afternoon, they lounged around the coffin room sated from the mushroom broth they had cooked earlier with Nanaki's tail flame.
In contrast to Reno's earlier statement about being cool at night, the temperature seemed to rise with the approaching evening, and soon, everyone started to discard miscellaneous pieces of clothing.
"I swear this night is strangely warm," Reno, who was wearing nothing save for his briefs, declared. "The gods must be making fun of us. Hell, they must be laughing at us!"
Cid, clad only in his _manly_ boxers, was too busy cursing the aforementioned gods as to why Nibelheim _had_ to be near the equator and not farther away, like in Rocket Town.
"Hmph! They must be taking revenge against us for constantly abusing our summoning privileges," Rufus added. He apparently was too haughty for his own good, since he was still dressed in his sweater and slacks.
"I don't think it's the gods who are toying with us," Nanaki, who had no clothes to begin with, argued. "I believe that this is due to Murphy's Law. If anything can go wrong, it will."
"You mean if this whole mansion can collapse all of a sudden, it will?" Cloud, bare-chested, asked.
"Please don't say that out loud, Cloud. It might happen," Vincent murmured. In contrast to the other men, he was all the more clothed. He was now donned in Cloud's sleeveless sweater, Rufus' trenchcoat, Reno's pants and loafers. He even had Cid's ascot tied around his forehead like a bandana. It was apparent that he direly missed his usual multi-layered getup.
Elena, meanwhile, was sitting by herself in the other side of the room, uncomfortable in the presence of so many scantily clad guys. True, she had worked with lots of men in Shinra before, but not when they were loose and informal like these ones were.
Also, she was sweating, and she truly wished she could get rid of this long- sleeved dress shirt and these thick dark blue slacks. She had even went as far as unbuttoning the top part of her shirt and rolling the sleeves up to the shoulders, but it was still soooooo hot…
"So, Elena…what do you think?"
Elena blinked at Reno, who seemed to be addressing her. "Huh? What?"
"You were the only person who didn't violently oppose my group nude painting proposition," he grinned. "Are you up for it?"
"Hell no!" she declared.
"Darn…"
"I'm going to take a bath," Elena suddenly announced, getting up from where she was sitting.
Reno blinked in astonishment at her. "Right now?"
"Why not? There's a shower just outside," Elena said, strolling towards the door.
"But the monsters…and the YinYangs," Reno stammered.
"Why, Reno. I didn't know you were so worried about me."
Reno blushed. "It's not that…It's just that someone has to protect you from them…Someone like me."
Elena leaned closer to him, placing a hand on his cheek. "Oh really, Reno…" she whispered coyly. "Would you really do that for me?"
"Uh-huh…"
"Or are you just making some excuse so you can see me naked?!" Elena suddenly raised her voice. "PERVERT!" She slapped Reno across the cheeks and stormed out of the room.
"Does she do that to you often?" Cloud asked.
Reno flushed with humiliation. "No!" From across the room, he heard a soft chuckle. "What?!" he demanded, glaring at Vincent.
"Nothing," Vincent replied. "For a moment, I thought that you wanted to paint her too…"
****************************
Still seething, Elena stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower, gun in hand for precautionary measures. She hoped that none of the boys would have the _nerve_ to exit the room. So what if she cared about her personal hygiene? Let those heathen swine rot in their stench and filth.
As Elena closed her eyes and relished the cool water splashing against her, she thought about Tseng. For once in her life, she had considered suicide after she had heard about his death. //Why bother spending the rest of your life in loneliness, she had thought, when you can be with him for all eternity?//
But as she had learned in her Turks' training, suicide is the ultimate surrender. For to yield to death was the worst failure of all, and it would be utterly damning on your soul.
Instead, she had carried on with her job donning her Turk mask, as if nothing had happened. Except something had happened. She had just lost a part of her soul.
Even her succeeding lovers were unable to fill the void in her heart. There would never be another Tseng, not in her lifetime. So why go on with her aimless wandering?
"Gawd, Vincent! Don't you ever clean up this place?!"
The whiny feminine voice slashed through her thoughts like a katana blade. Elena glanced up, tensing. Did she really hear that voice or was she imagining it?
"Yo, Vincent! Ya here?"
//A rescuer!// Elena thought excitedly as she turned to fetch her clothing.
At that moment, the coffin door burst open, and all the guys stampeded out, then screeched to a halt at the sight of her. A simultaneous eep, and all the heads whipped to another direction, except for Reno's, which lingered for a while before Vincent forced it the other way.
Grateful at having been spared her chastity and pride, Elena hastily dressed and called out, "We're down here!"
There was a rhythmic skipping up above them, and a ninja girl's head popped out. "Oi! What are you all doing down there?!"
A simultaneous groan emanated from the guys.
Elena couldn't see why Yuffie was that unappealing to them, but at least there was another female for a companion. "Uh…we're trapped. Could you help us out?"
Yuffie cocked her head and thought for a while. "Why should I?"
That single sentence instantly made Elena dislike her.
"Cut the crap, Yuffie, and get us the @#^& out of here!" Cid demanded.
"Cid!" Yuffie squealed happily. "I knew you were here in Nibelheim. I saw the Highwind parked outside. So…how about if I go and steal it?"
"Don't you f@#$&*% dare, Kisaragi!!!" Cid threatened, his Venus Gospel waved at her.
"What would you do to me if I did, Highwind?" Yuffie countered teasingly. "Curse me to death?" She razzed at the enraged pilot, who looked like he was about to detonate. "And besides, why are you barely dressed? You know you're a beerbellied flabby old man compared to Reno and Cloud." She eyed both youths appreciatively.
"I'M NOT F%$@^&* OLD!!!" Cid exploded. "I'M ONLY THIRTY-TWO!!!"
"Yeah, whatever, Captain," Yuffie drawled. "Now hand me some materia, and I might think of getting you all out."
"But, Yuffie," Nanaki put in. "As I recall, we all gave our materia to you."
"Materia is already declared illegal in our part of the continent," Rufus said matter-of-factly.
"I have some materia!" Cloud volunteered.
All eyes turned to him. "You do?!" came the unanimous query.
"Yup!" Cloud beamed, fiddling with his bangle and sword. "Here's an Underwater materia, an HP=MP materia, a Speed Plus materia, a Steal materia, a Mime materia…"
"Cloud…" Vincent interrupted. "_Why_ do you have Mime materia equipped? You're the only character in your party."
"I dunno," Cloud shrugged. "I just liked the yellow color, cause it matches my hair. Oh, here's an All materia, too."
"What's it paired with?" Elena asked excitedly.
"Huh?" Cloud gazed blankly at her. "Nothing. It's just by itself."
There was a concurrent slapping of foreheads.
"There you have it," Yuffie said. "Seems that you'll be staying here for a couple more days…"
"Wait a $#!#^& minute!" Cid protested vehemently. "You asked for materia. We've got it!"
"Only the useless ones that our 'Great Leader' managed to put on this morning," Yuffie mocked.
"You can take the Steal materia! Or the Speed Plus!" Reno shouted.
Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Like, I don't have enough Steal materias? Give me a break, I'm much faster than Cloud. I don't need no crappy Speed Plus. So I guess that's, like, it. I'm getting out of this hellhole." She stood up and started to leave.
"Wait," Vincent's calm, level voice stopped her in her tracks.
Yuffie returned to her position. "What, Vinny? Got something for me?"
"I have…" Vincent seemed quite hesitant to continue, but considering the desperate situation before him, he doubted if _anyone_ could even rescue them before they rotted down here. "I have a mastered Knights of the Round."
Yuffie's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "You do??? Where? Where?"
"I won't tell you until you get us all out," Vincent compromised.
"Hmph! How would I know you're gonna give it to me?" Yuffie asked.
"And how the #@$^ would we know _you're_ gonna get us out if we did?" Cid added angrily.
"You can take my word for it, Yuffie," Vincent said in a serious, meaningful tone. "To cheat you would be another damning sin. You can trust me."
Yuffie thought for a while. "All right, all right," she announced, fetching a thick, long rope from her pack. "But you better have it ready for me once you're all up here!"
There were various reactions among the group. Vincent smiled slightly; Elena started hugging everyone; Reno hugged _and_ kissed everyone; Rufus said nothing; Cloud re-equipped all his materia; Nanaki stooped to chasing his tail in delight; and Cid began twirling his spear around, causing everyone to drop to the ground.
****************************
"Where's Rufus?" Reeve inquired his secretary the moment he arrived at his office from a business appointment in Junon. "I noticed that he didn't come stomping in, demanding me to tell him the results of the proposal."
"He left the building at one o'clock in the afternoon and hasn't returned since," the secretary answered. "Seemed that he was in one of his fits. I almost pressed the Code 22 Security Button." She smiled.
Reeve grinned too. The Code 22 Security Button was depressed only when Rufus Shinra exploded in one of his renowned temper tantrums. When it was, all the employees were advised to evacuate the Shinra building; otherwise, they would feel the wrath of Rufus' "limit break".
"Why didn't you?" Reeve asked curiously.
"Well, it turns out the object of his vehemence wasn't in the building. And that was when he departed, leaving us all relieved that we wouldn't have to abandon our work that afternoon."
"What sparked it?" Reeve queried.
"I'm not sure. But I was unfortunate enough to pass by his office at that moment. It seems that he was reading the company's mail. I think he left the offending letter on his desk."
Reeve thanked his secretary and left for Rufus' office, wondering what sent his young boss flaring up. But at least Rufus didn't break down the door or render someone unconscious this time. It would be miraculous if Rufus didn't do any damage.
The young Shinra's office was, as usual, immaculately clean and white. Which was quite strange, because Reeve had expected it to be ravaged by a hurricane. It seemed normal.
Except for the large rent on the surface of the desk. Reeve shook his head sadly as he gazed wistfully at it. //Such a waste of beautiful polished oak…only to have it ruined by Rufus Shinra.// Reeve will have to call an antique restorer the next day.
A crumpled piece of paper lay between the piles of letters at either side of the desk. Reeve figured this must have been the letter the secretary was referring to. He casually picked it up and scanned the contents.
"Blah, blah, blah…" Reeve murmured to himself. "…Your water bill for the month of July is…FIVE MILLION GIL???!!! What kind of bill is THAT?! This is absurd! Where is this?!" He spotted the location on the paper. "Nibelheim Mansion?! But no one lives there now…So _this_ is why Rufus stormed out of the building. Hmm…maybe I should investigate this too," Reeve decided as he headed for the rooftop. "I might meet up with Rufus there. I wonder what he's doing right now…"
********************************
"Rufus! Move it! We can't wait for you all day!"
"Shut up, Reno. It's not my fault that I haven't had my share of rope climbing."
"Um…do you think I should climb with my sword and armor and accessories and boots and…"
"Cloud, why don't you just %$@&*# shut up and stay down there? You can #@$&%$ climb up after we've all reached the top!"
"Cid is right, Cloud. If you attempted to climb up while the rest of them are suspended up there, there's a possibility that you might debilitate and snap the rope with the weight of all your paraphernalia. And remember Murphy's Law: If it can happen, it will."
"You know, it's kinda weird listening to an esteemed intellectual such as Red XIII believe in an inaccurate, hypothetical law such as Murphy's Law."
Vincent was inclined to agreeing with Elena. However, suspended in mid-air with a piece of rope as their lifeline, he concluded that it was not the right time to think about Murphy's Law.
They inched their way up the path to freedom. Vincent, on Yuffie's insistence, led the group, followed by Elena, Rufus, Reno and Cid. Cloud and Nanaki, who suggested that he be hoisted up with the rope afterwards, remained in the basement, observing their agonizing progress.
"Will you guys hurry up?!" Yuffie urged from the upper floor. "I still have to go to Junon. There's a bargain sale at this materia shop, and I wouldn't want to miss that! So get moving! Or else I'll cut this rope from the drainage pipe!"
Vincent frowned as he yanked himself upward. //Try climbing with one hand, Kisaragi,// he thought as he kept his metal claw away from the rope, knowing that if he gripped with it, it might cut the rope.
"You know what?" he said, breaking the tense silence. "I just remembered…I had some rope and grappling hooks stored in the back of the library…I just forgot about it until now…"
"VINCENT!!!"
*****************************
The house was deathly silent, as was to be expected of abandoned mansions.
Reeve glanced about him as hurriedly and as thoroughly as he could, and then wiped his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. "Sir Rufus?" he called out tentatively, his creaking footsteps echoing throughout the morbid house. "Are you in here?"
He cautiously walked forward, his knees buckling so violently that he was in danger of falling. But he couldn't help it. Scary, abandoned mansions had always been the executive's greatest phobia.
As he scanned the house for any signs of life, he suddenly sensed a cold draft…and an eerie, ominous presence. He turned around, then sighed with relief upon seeing that the door had not magically slammed shut behind him.
His relief was short-lived, however, for the moment he turned back around, a leery, hideous, rotting figure materialized right in front of him, a manic grin on its face.
And that was enough to send Reeve screaming madly out the house and slamming the door violently behind him.
****************************
"Did you hear that?" Vincent asked out loud, halting in his climbing.
Elena glanced upward. They were still a good ten meters away from the top. "Which one? The hysterical screaming or the crashing door slam?"
"No," Vincent said softly, tense and alert. "That low rumbling…"
Everyone stopped to listen for a while, until the silence was shattered by a panic-stricken Yuffie.
"THE HOUSE IS FALLING DOWN!!!"
As she yelled that ill-omened statement, the rumbling crescendoed to a deafening, reverberating din as beams and pillars began to collapse around the hole.
"GET DOWN!" Vincent yelled above the uproar.
"Down???!!!" Everyone protested vehemently.
"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! NOW MOVE BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED!!!"
Everyone else slid down the rope while Yuffie turned to the exit. "OH MY GAWD! The front door is blocked!!!"
"Yuffie!" Vincent called loudly. "Jump down!"
"But I- AAAAGGGHHH!!!" Her sentence was cut off as a heavy piece of timber landed on her and knocked her into the hole. Fortunately, Cloud managed to catch her and carry her off to safety.
Meanwhile, the entire house started to collapse inward. Vincent scurried down the rope just as falling debris chopped the rope off from where it was tied. He landed hard on his bottom, and then rolled off to the side just in time to avoid being crushed by falling lumber.
The group huddled just outside the coffin room, watching incredulously with unbelieving eyes as disintegrated fragments of the house piled up in the opening.
A few moments later, the last faint traces of light vanished, and they all found themselves in the dark, save for Nanaki's glowing tail flame…
**************************
Reeve stared in disbelief at the mountain of rubble before him. Did the mansion collapse when he slammed the door? No, it couldn't have. But if so, where was the house? And what was that heap of wreckage doing in its place? He rubbed his eyes vigorously, willing himself to wake up from this dubious nightmare. The overdose of caffeine must be getting to him already.
But no, he was not hallucinating. The renowned antique mansion of Nibelheim has surrendered to the harsh persecution of Time. The venerated edifice was no more…
A fleeting thought entered Reeve's mind. //Rufus Shinra?! What had happened to him?! What if…// Reeve shook his head, dreading to imagine the worst. Yet, it nagged him inside, forcing him to accept the possible reality. //What if he was inside when the house collapsed…?//
Smoldering with desperation, remorse, grief and determination, Reeve hopped onto the debris, digging into the scrap with his own hands and calling out Rufus' name like a mantra.
A gentle hissing sound caught Reeve's attention. He glanced up and saw the bathroom shower, still intact with pipes and all, spraying water at full blast. His mind wandered back to the water invoice.
//So that's why the bill was so high…// Reeve realized, shaking his head. //I guess I should turn the shower off before the tab gets any higher.//
Reeve advanced towards it and, using the pile of debris as a stepladder, reached up to switch it off. The spray slowed down to a trickle, then ceased entirely.
1.1.2 //Well, that should do it…//
He turned around and took a step, and the next thing he knew, he found himself sucked into a sinkhole in the wreckage…
*******************************
All eyes turned to the shrieking figure that plummeted down from the ceiling, flailing its appendages around. It landed with a loud oof on a stray mattress, then rolled awkwardly onto the floor in front of them, coughing and gasping for breath.
"Hey, it's Reeve," Elena declared.
"Reeve?" Cloud gazed at them. "You know this guy?"
Reno clonked him on the head. "Duh! Don't tell me you don't know Reeve!"
Cloud rubbed his head, and then retaliated clonk for clonk. "Of course I know who Reeve is…He's the president of Neo-Shinra. But I don't know him personally."
"He's the @#!&*^$ operator of Cait Sith!" Cid yelled. "Can't you get it in your #@$&^* spiky head?!"
"Oh…" Cloud turned to the executive. "Hiya, Reeve!"
"You followed me?!" Rufus interjected. "I can't believe-"
"Oi, Reeve," Reno said. "You got some mud on your sleeve."
Cloud blinked with realization. "Hey! We're rhyming! Cool! This is fun! Um, how about…Hey, Reeve. Are ya gonna leave?"
Reno stared at Cloud. "Not a bad idea. Let me try…Yo, Reeve. Have you been to Kiev?" Both he and Cloud doubled up in laughter.
Nanaki rolled his eyes. "Sir Reeve, those rubble could you heave?" The trio chuckled some more.
"Come on, guys," Yuffie scolded. "This isn't funny. Hello, like, we're trapped here without any hope of escape. No food, no water, no nothing!"
"There's still some mushrooms left," Cloud spoke up.
"WHAT?!" Reeve interjected, his jaw dropped. "You mean…we're stuck down here?!" He knelt down and gazed up into the air. "Oh my Odin, if this is the punishment for whatever my crimes I have committed…I want a reprieve!"
Simultaneous bursting out in laughter from the rhyming trio.
"Could you just #$!^*& SHUT UP???!!!" Cid yelled.
"Don't worry, cat-man!" Reno consoled, patting Reeve on the back. "We won't mind if you stay. After all…the more, the merrier, like I always say!"
"RENO!!!"
Vincent, glancing up from his brooding to study the enclosed ceiling, stated after several moments of silence…
"I guess the grappling hooks won't be much use now…"
~END~ ^_^
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Whaddaya think? This fic kinda started out as a what-if between FalconIce and me. You know, it took me so long to patch up all the gaping plotholes in the story just so there was no possible way of escaping from the basement (Mwahahaha…ain't I evil?) But if ever there is a flaw in my story, then by the Powers of the Fanfic Author, I deem it utterly impossible for them to get out of there. Also, I'm sorry if anyone objects to my resurrection of Rufus. I just couldn't help it. His character is so unique and fun to write about. Yes, I know, the reason why he survived was lame, but hey, it could happen!
By the way, I actually researched about the mushrooms I have mentioned.
Kasa no Miko [email protected]
Shards of Dewprism www.geocities.com/shards_of_dewprism
FalconIce [email protected]
Forbidden Shrine www.geocities.com/twilight_wings
"Damn, it's getting hot."
"Tell me about it, Cid. I've been here since last night. At least in the evening, it's cooler."
"Compared to my air-conditioned office, _this_ place is the Sahara."
"Have you really been to the Sahara, Rufus?"
"Cloud…"
"Vincent, did you stash away some food down here? Cos I'm damn starving."
Vincent shook his head sadly at Elena, and then turned to Rufus. "As I recalled, you said something about a five million gil water bill."
Rufus gritted his teeth, unpleasantly reminded of the matter.
"Why is the water so expensive?" Vincent inquired.
"You see, my dear friend," Rufus answered. "Wutai Water Company has declared a rise in the cost of clean water. It's currently at a thousand gil per gallon, and now, I have to pay the price of your f$#%& carelessness!"
Vincent was unfazed, though, because he was thinking of something else. "You still didn't answer my question."
"Well, Wutai Water Company has announced that the water is completely mako- free and 100% safe from any kind of bacteria, making it potable at the same time. But all these purifying processes cost a lot, so they're skyrocketing the prices, too. Any more questions, Mr. Valentine?"
Vincent thought for a while, and then said, "One more. How come you're alive? I thought you died at the mercy of Diamond Weapon."
Reno burst out laughing from the other side of the room.
"Don't you dare, Reno…" Rufus warned through gritted teeth.
"He fell down the stairs before the missile hit the office," Reno blurted out, ignoring Rufus' threat. "He had stepped backward in fear when he saw the missile, and it just so happened that the stairs were right behind him. Isn't it coincidental?!"
"He broke most of his bones, though," Elena added. "But they were repairable."
"Ha ha, that's funny," Cloud remarked. "He escaped alive because he fell down the stairs."
Rufus merely seethed in silence.
Noticing that his g-string was slipping off again, Vincent stood up and adjusted it.
Rufus watched him with contempt. "Pathetic…" he sneered as he shrugged off his white trenchcoat, revealing a sinewy, lithe torso in a tight black sleeveless turtleneck sweater. He then tossed the overcoat to Vincent.
"Uh…thanks, Rufus," Vincent said.
"I didn't give it to you so you can cover that repulsive body of yours," Rufus corrected in a clipped tone. "I wanted to take it off anyway, because it's hot, and since you were so pitifully inconvenienced by your unfortunate mishap while you were in the tub, I decided to lend it to you, poor helpless soul that you are."
"I disagree, Rufus," Elena piped up. "I don't think Vincent has that hideous a body."
"Whatever, Elena. I always knew you were a good judge of naked men, having seen so numerous in your lifetime."
Elena made a face at the haughty executive.
"Hey, Rufus, nice idea," Reno declared as he stood up and began to unbutton his trousers.
Elena's eyes widened. "Don't tell me you want me to judge your body!"
"Hell no!" Reno answered, taking off his pants. "I meant that his idea of taking off his clothes because it's so hot is a nice one. Here ya go, Vince."
Vincent caught Reno's dark blue pants. "Uh…thanks," he said, unsure of how to reply.
"Briefs!" Cid burst out as he caught sight of Reno. "You sissy boy! Real men wear boxers!"
"In case you don't know," Rufus interrupted. "I designed those underwear. I guess this means we won't be friends."
Cid chuckled even more. "Ha! Only a sissy would wear a fag's panties."
Rufus' face practically cracked, his pride bleeding. He got up from where he was and gripped Cid's throat tightly, cutting off the pilot's air supply. "For your information, you f%$#& mudmouthed bastard…" he seethed, glaring at Cid. "I…AM NOT…A FAG!!!" He strangled Cid even harder.
Everyone jumped to their feet and struggled to pry Rufus off the bluish pilot. Fortunately, they managed to do so before Cid fell unconscious.
"Can everyone _please_ stop fighting?" Cloud pleaded.
"Tell that walking sewage system to keep his lid on," Rufus denigrated.
Cid shot him a lethal glare.
"Vincent Valentine? Are you present in the vicinity?"
The courteous masculine voice managed to call an armistice over the bickering duo as everyone glanced up hopefully.
"Vincent?"
"We're down here!!!" Vincent called as everyone trooped out of the coffin room.
The person had a strange gait as he headed towards the hole, and it took a few seconds for everyone to realize that the canine head gazing down at them wasn't human at all.
"Goodness! How diametrically superior this chasm is!" Red XIII declared.
"He means this hole is huge," Vincent murmured to Reno.
"Duh! I'm not stupid!" Reno insisted.
Cloud waved a hand at Red XIII. "Hiya, Nanaki! Whatcha here for?"
"Well, I dropped by because Vincent informed me that he had some _amanita muscaria_ lying around."
"Say #@*$& what?" Cid interjected.
"Fly agaric," Vincent answered. "It's a kind of mushroom that kills flies. Chop it into pieces and put it into milk, and you get an effectively lethal fly repellant."
"Yes, what Vincent said," Red XIII told them. "My room in Cosmo Canyon has been plagued by flies for so long that I fear my tail might unhinge from swishing them away. So, Vincent my friend, tell me where I may acquire the mushrooms so I can be on my way and bother you no more."
"Whoa, Nanaki," Cid exclaimed. "Aren't you gonna @!#%$^ rescue us?"
"With my inhuman paws? I cannot very well grip a rope with it, but I believe that it would be most effective if I rush to Cosmo Canyon and inform the Elder of this. Perhaps he can call a council meeting and discuss the most efficient means of-"
"Now, I ain't got no time for that namby-pamby $#!^!" Cid interrupted angrily. "I just want to get out of here before I @#%^# starve to death!!!"
"In the name of Rufus J. Shinra, multi-gillionaire owner of Neo-Shinra Electric Power Company, I demand that you cease this nonsense at once and rescue us!"
Nanaki blinked at Rufus, as if seeing some sort of apparition. "Rufus? You're still alive? Anyway, back to more pressing matters, wait here while I- Oh my, there's some scrumptious-looking _lepiota procera_ thriving on this side of the wall…Perhaps I can reach out and grab some before I head off…" He bent down and extended a paw down the edge.
Vincent's eyes widened, sensing impending misfortune. "Don't do that, Nanaki!" he cried, rushing forward.
"Don't you @#@^&$ do that, you @#^*^% son of a ^*&(&$!!!"
Everyone halted in their tracks and stared in bewilderment at the hot- tempered, caffeine-deprived, nicotine-devoid pilot who would dare insult a comrade in the vilest manner.
Unfortunately, Red XIII was paying them no heed as he reached for that precious patch of mushroom, and in doing so, slipped his footing and tumbled down the opening, landing in Vincent's arms.
"You have my resolute gratitude, Vincent Valentine," Red XIII gasped with relief.
This time, no one bothered to sigh with disappointment, since rescuers falling down the hole was becoming mundane.
"It seems that we are incarcerated in this location for quite some time," Red XIII remarked. "Have you exhausted all means of escape?"
The look they all gave him could have withered a tree.
"I see…" Nanaki said. "Then show me your temporary living quarters so I may rest from running all the way from Cosmo Canyon."
As soon as they entered the coffin room, Red XIII's eyes widened with excitement. "How fortunate we are! There's hundreds of _russula vesca_ thriving here!"
Everyone looked at him strangely, apparently wondering why it would be so fortunate for them.
"Don't you understand?" Red XIII said elatedly, bounding towards the walls. "These are black mushrooms! They're edible! Now we won't have to starve to death!"
Everyone else was torn between the urges to throttle Nanaki and to swipe the mushrooms from the walls and eat them raw. They chose to do the latter, though.
They all fanned out to different directions of the walls, gathering the mushrooms and wolfing them down hungrily. All was fine until a couple of minutes later.
"CLOUD! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU EATING???!!!"
All eyes turned to Cloud, who was in the process of shoving more mushrooms in his mouth. "What?" he asked, several pieces of mushroom falling from his stuffed jaws.
Nanaki stared at him in horror. "Those aren't _russula vesca_! Those are dull brown, not black with white stands!"
Cloud swallowed everything in his mouth before asking, "So?"
Red XIII looked as if he was proclaiming a death sentence, which he really was. "Those are _amanita phalloides_! Deathcaps! One of the most poisonous mushrooms ever to grow on the Planet! They're lethal! They can kill a human in moments!"
The walls of the room rang with Nanaki's words.
After several minutes of waiting (waiting for Cloud to keel over dead, probably), Rufus piped up, "He's still standing."
"Obviously, those $#!&*%& mako treatments made this kid invincible," Cid added.
Cloud apparently agreed with Cid, for he shrugged and resumed eating those dreaded deathcaps. Everyone made it a point, though, to skitter away from Cloud's location.
**************************
Later that afternoon, they lounged around the coffin room sated from the mushroom broth they had cooked earlier with Nanaki's tail flame.
In contrast to Reno's earlier statement about being cool at night, the temperature seemed to rise with the approaching evening, and soon, everyone started to discard miscellaneous pieces of clothing.
"I swear this night is strangely warm," Reno, who was wearing nothing save for his briefs, declared. "The gods must be making fun of us. Hell, they must be laughing at us!"
Cid, clad only in his _manly_ boxers, was too busy cursing the aforementioned gods as to why Nibelheim _had_ to be near the equator and not farther away, like in Rocket Town.
"Hmph! They must be taking revenge against us for constantly abusing our summoning privileges," Rufus added. He apparently was too haughty for his own good, since he was still dressed in his sweater and slacks.
"I don't think it's the gods who are toying with us," Nanaki, who had no clothes to begin with, argued. "I believe that this is due to Murphy's Law. If anything can go wrong, it will."
"You mean if this whole mansion can collapse all of a sudden, it will?" Cloud, bare-chested, asked.
"Please don't say that out loud, Cloud. It might happen," Vincent murmured. In contrast to the other men, he was all the more clothed. He was now donned in Cloud's sleeveless sweater, Rufus' trenchcoat, Reno's pants and loafers. He even had Cid's ascot tied around his forehead like a bandana. It was apparent that he direly missed his usual multi-layered getup.
Elena, meanwhile, was sitting by herself in the other side of the room, uncomfortable in the presence of so many scantily clad guys. True, she had worked with lots of men in Shinra before, but not when they were loose and informal like these ones were.
Also, she was sweating, and she truly wished she could get rid of this long- sleeved dress shirt and these thick dark blue slacks. She had even went as far as unbuttoning the top part of her shirt and rolling the sleeves up to the shoulders, but it was still soooooo hot…
"So, Elena…what do you think?"
Elena blinked at Reno, who seemed to be addressing her. "Huh? What?"
"You were the only person who didn't violently oppose my group nude painting proposition," he grinned. "Are you up for it?"
"Hell no!" she declared.
"Darn…"
"I'm going to take a bath," Elena suddenly announced, getting up from where she was sitting.
Reno blinked in astonishment at her. "Right now?"
"Why not? There's a shower just outside," Elena said, strolling towards the door.
"But the monsters…and the YinYangs," Reno stammered.
"Why, Reno. I didn't know you were so worried about me."
Reno blushed. "It's not that…It's just that someone has to protect you from them…Someone like me."
Elena leaned closer to him, placing a hand on his cheek. "Oh really, Reno…" she whispered coyly. "Would you really do that for me?"
"Uh-huh…"
"Or are you just making some excuse so you can see me naked?!" Elena suddenly raised her voice. "PERVERT!" She slapped Reno across the cheeks and stormed out of the room.
"Does she do that to you often?" Cloud asked.
Reno flushed with humiliation. "No!" From across the room, he heard a soft chuckle. "What?!" he demanded, glaring at Vincent.
"Nothing," Vincent replied. "For a moment, I thought that you wanted to paint her too…"
****************************
Still seething, Elena stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower, gun in hand for precautionary measures. She hoped that none of the boys would have the _nerve_ to exit the room. So what if she cared about her personal hygiene? Let those heathen swine rot in their stench and filth.
As Elena closed her eyes and relished the cool water splashing against her, she thought about Tseng. For once in her life, she had considered suicide after she had heard about his death. //Why bother spending the rest of your life in loneliness, she had thought, when you can be with him for all eternity?//
But as she had learned in her Turks' training, suicide is the ultimate surrender. For to yield to death was the worst failure of all, and it would be utterly damning on your soul.
Instead, she had carried on with her job donning her Turk mask, as if nothing had happened. Except something had happened. She had just lost a part of her soul.
Even her succeeding lovers were unable to fill the void in her heart. There would never be another Tseng, not in her lifetime. So why go on with her aimless wandering?
"Gawd, Vincent! Don't you ever clean up this place?!"
The whiny feminine voice slashed through her thoughts like a katana blade. Elena glanced up, tensing. Did she really hear that voice or was she imagining it?
"Yo, Vincent! Ya here?"
//A rescuer!// Elena thought excitedly as she turned to fetch her clothing.
At that moment, the coffin door burst open, and all the guys stampeded out, then screeched to a halt at the sight of her. A simultaneous eep, and all the heads whipped to another direction, except for Reno's, which lingered for a while before Vincent forced it the other way.
Grateful at having been spared her chastity and pride, Elena hastily dressed and called out, "We're down here!"
There was a rhythmic skipping up above them, and a ninja girl's head popped out. "Oi! What are you all doing down there?!"
A simultaneous groan emanated from the guys.
Elena couldn't see why Yuffie was that unappealing to them, but at least there was another female for a companion. "Uh…we're trapped. Could you help us out?"
Yuffie cocked her head and thought for a while. "Why should I?"
That single sentence instantly made Elena dislike her.
"Cut the crap, Yuffie, and get us the @#^& out of here!" Cid demanded.
"Cid!" Yuffie squealed happily. "I knew you were here in Nibelheim. I saw the Highwind parked outside. So…how about if I go and steal it?"
"Don't you f@#$&*% dare, Kisaragi!!!" Cid threatened, his Venus Gospel waved at her.
"What would you do to me if I did, Highwind?" Yuffie countered teasingly. "Curse me to death?" She razzed at the enraged pilot, who looked like he was about to detonate. "And besides, why are you barely dressed? You know you're a beerbellied flabby old man compared to Reno and Cloud." She eyed both youths appreciatively.
"I'M NOT F%$@^&* OLD!!!" Cid exploded. "I'M ONLY THIRTY-TWO!!!"
"Yeah, whatever, Captain," Yuffie drawled. "Now hand me some materia, and I might think of getting you all out."
"But, Yuffie," Nanaki put in. "As I recall, we all gave our materia to you."
"Materia is already declared illegal in our part of the continent," Rufus said matter-of-factly.
"I have some materia!" Cloud volunteered.
All eyes turned to him. "You do?!" came the unanimous query.
"Yup!" Cloud beamed, fiddling with his bangle and sword. "Here's an Underwater materia, an HP=MP materia, a Speed Plus materia, a Steal materia, a Mime materia…"
"Cloud…" Vincent interrupted. "_Why_ do you have Mime materia equipped? You're the only character in your party."
"I dunno," Cloud shrugged. "I just liked the yellow color, cause it matches my hair. Oh, here's an All materia, too."
"What's it paired with?" Elena asked excitedly.
"Huh?" Cloud gazed blankly at her. "Nothing. It's just by itself."
There was a concurrent slapping of foreheads.
"There you have it," Yuffie said. "Seems that you'll be staying here for a couple more days…"
"Wait a $#!#^& minute!" Cid protested vehemently. "You asked for materia. We've got it!"
"Only the useless ones that our 'Great Leader' managed to put on this morning," Yuffie mocked.
"You can take the Steal materia! Or the Speed Plus!" Reno shouted.
Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Like, I don't have enough Steal materias? Give me a break, I'm much faster than Cloud. I don't need no crappy Speed Plus. So I guess that's, like, it. I'm getting out of this hellhole." She stood up and started to leave.
"Wait," Vincent's calm, level voice stopped her in her tracks.
Yuffie returned to her position. "What, Vinny? Got something for me?"
"I have…" Vincent seemed quite hesitant to continue, but considering the desperate situation before him, he doubted if _anyone_ could even rescue them before they rotted down here. "I have a mastered Knights of the Round."
Yuffie's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "You do??? Where? Where?"
"I won't tell you until you get us all out," Vincent compromised.
"Hmph! How would I know you're gonna give it to me?" Yuffie asked.
"And how the #@$^ would we know _you're_ gonna get us out if we did?" Cid added angrily.
"You can take my word for it, Yuffie," Vincent said in a serious, meaningful tone. "To cheat you would be another damning sin. You can trust me."
Yuffie thought for a while. "All right, all right," she announced, fetching a thick, long rope from her pack. "But you better have it ready for me once you're all up here!"
There were various reactions among the group. Vincent smiled slightly; Elena started hugging everyone; Reno hugged _and_ kissed everyone; Rufus said nothing; Cloud re-equipped all his materia; Nanaki stooped to chasing his tail in delight; and Cid began twirling his spear around, causing everyone to drop to the ground.
****************************
"Where's Rufus?" Reeve inquired his secretary the moment he arrived at his office from a business appointment in Junon. "I noticed that he didn't come stomping in, demanding me to tell him the results of the proposal."
"He left the building at one o'clock in the afternoon and hasn't returned since," the secretary answered. "Seemed that he was in one of his fits. I almost pressed the Code 22 Security Button." She smiled.
Reeve grinned too. The Code 22 Security Button was depressed only when Rufus Shinra exploded in one of his renowned temper tantrums. When it was, all the employees were advised to evacuate the Shinra building; otherwise, they would feel the wrath of Rufus' "limit break".
"Why didn't you?" Reeve asked curiously.
"Well, it turns out the object of his vehemence wasn't in the building. And that was when he departed, leaving us all relieved that we wouldn't have to abandon our work that afternoon."
"What sparked it?" Reeve queried.
"I'm not sure. But I was unfortunate enough to pass by his office at that moment. It seems that he was reading the company's mail. I think he left the offending letter on his desk."
Reeve thanked his secretary and left for Rufus' office, wondering what sent his young boss flaring up. But at least Rufus didn't break down the door or render someone unconscious this time. It would be miraculous if Rufus didn't do any damage.
The young Shinra's office was, as usual, immaculately clean and white. Which was quite strange, because Reeve had expected it to be ravaged by a hurricane. It seemed normal.
Except for the large rent on the surface of the desk. Reeve shook his head sadly as he gazed wistfully at it. //Such a waste of beautiful polished oak…only to have it ruined by Rufus Shinra.// Reeve will have to call an antique restorer the next day.
A crumpled piece of paper lay between the piles of letters at either side of the desk. Reeve figured this must have been the letter the secretary was referring to. He casually picked it up and scanned the contents.
"Blah, blah, blah…" Reeve murmured to himself. "…Your water bill for the month of July is…FIVE MILLION GIL???!!! What kind of bill is THAT?! This is absurd! Where is this?!" He spotted the location on the paper. "Nibelheim Mansion?! But no one lives there now…So _this_ is why Rufus stormed out of the building. Hmm…maybe I should investigate this too," Reeve decided as he headed for the rooftop. "I might meet up with Rufus there. I wonder what he's doing right now…"
********************************
"Rufus! Move it! We can't wait for you all day!"
"Shut up, Reno. It's not my fault that I haven't had my share of rope climbing."
"Um…do you think I should climb with my sword and armor and accessories and boots and…"
"Cloud, why don't you just %$@&*# shut up and stay down there? You can #@$&%$ climb up after we've all reached the top!"
"Cid is right, Cloud. If you attempted to climb up while the rest of them are suspended up there, there's a possibility that you might debilitate and snap the rope with the weight of all your paraphernalia. And remember Murphy's Law: If it can happen, it will."
"You know, it's kinda weird listening to an esteemed intellectual such as Red XIII believe in an inaccurate, hypothetical law such as Murphy's Law."
Vincent was inclined to agreeing with Elena. However, suspended in mid-air with a piece of rope as their lifeline, he concluded that it was not the right time to think about Murphy's Law.
They inched their way up the path to freedom. Vincent, on Yuffie's insistence, led the group, followed by Elena, Rufus, Reno and Cid. Cloud and Nanaki, who suggested that he be hoisted up with the rope afterwards, remained in the basement, observing their agonizing progress.
"Will you guys hurry up?!" Yuffie urged from the upper floor. "I still have to go to Junon. There's a bargain sale at this materia shop, and I wouldn't want to miss that! So get moving! Or else I'll cut this rope from the drainage pipe!"
Vincent frowned as he yanked himself upward. //Try climbing with one hand, Kisaragi,// he thought as he kept his metal claw away from the rope, knowing that if he gripped with it, it might cut the rope.
"You know what?" he said, breaking the tense silence. "I just remembered…I had some rope and grappling hooks stored in the back of the library…I just forgot about it until now…"
"VINCENT!!!"
*****************************
The house was deathly silent, as was to be expected of abandoned mansions.
Reeve glanced about him as hurriedly and as thoroughly as he could, and then wiped his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. "Sir Rufus?" he called out tentatively, his creaking footsteps echoing throughout the morbid house. "Are you in here?"
He cautiously walked forward, his knees buckling so violently that he was in danger of falling. But he couldn't help it. Scary, abandoned mansions had always been the executive's greatest phobia.
As he scanned the house for any signs of life, he suddenly sensed a cold draft…and an eerie, ominous presence. He turned around, then sighed with relief upon seeing that the door had not magically slammed shut behind him.
His relief was short-lived, however, for the moment he turned back around, a leery, hideous, rotting figure materialized right in front of him, a manic grin on its face.
And that was enough to send Reeve screaming madly out the house and slamming the door violently behind him.
****************************
"Did you hear that?" Vincent asked out loud, halting in his climbing.
Elena glanced upward. They were still a good ten meters away from the top. "Which one? The hysterical screaming or the crashing door slam?"
"No," Vincent said softly, tense and alert. "That low rumbling…"
Everyone stopped to listen for a while, until the silence was shattered by a panic-stricken Yuffie.
"THE HOUSE IS FALLING DOWN!!!"
As she yelled that ill-omened statement, the rumbling crescendoed to a deafening, reverberating din as beams and pillars began to collapse around the hole.
"GET DOWN!" Vincent yelled above the uproar.
"Down???!!!" Everyone protested vehemently.
"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! NOW MOVE BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED!!!"
Everyone else slid down the rope while Yuffie turned to the exit. "OH MY GAWD! The front door is blocked!!!"
"Yuffie!" Vincent called loudly. "Jump down!"
"But I- AAAAGGGHHH!!!" Her sentence was cut off as a heavy piece of timber landed on her and knocked her into the hole. Fortunately, Cloud managed to catch her and carry her off to safety.
Meanwhile, the entire house started to collapse inward. Vincent scurried down the rope just as falling debris chopped the rope off from where it was tied. He landed hard on his bottom, and then rolled off to the side just in time to avoid being crushed by falling lumber.
The group huddled just outside the coffin room, watching incredulously with unbelieving eyes as disintegrated fragments of the house piled up in the opening.
A few moments later, the last faint traces of light vanished, and they all found themselves in the dark, save for Nanaki's glowing tail flame…
**************************
Reeve stared in disbelief at the mountain of rubble before him. Did the mansion collapse when he slammed the door? No, it couldn't have. But if so, where was the house? And what was that heap of wreckage doing in its place? He rubbed his eyes vigorously, willing himself to wake up from this dubious nightmare. The overdose of caffeine must be getting to him already.
But no, he was not hallucinating. The renowned antique mansion of Nibelheim has surrendered to the harsh persecution of Time. The venerated edifice was no more…
A fleeting thought entered Reeve's mind. //Rufus Shinra?! What had happened to him?! What if…// Reeve shook his head, dreading to imagine the worst. Yet, it nagged him inside, forcing him to accept the possible reality. //What if he was inside when the house collapsed…?//
Smoldering with desperation, remorse, grief and determination, Reeve hopped onto the debris, digging into the scrap with his own hands and calling out Rufus' name like a mantra.
A gentle hissing sound caught Reeve's attention. He glanced up and saw the bathroom shower, still intact with pipes and all, spraying water at full blast. His mind wandered back to the water invoice.
//So that's why the bill was so high…// Reeve realized, shaking his head. //I guess I should turn the shower off before the tab gets any higher.//
Reeve advanced towards it and, using the pile of debris as a stepladder, reached up to switch it off. The spray slowed down to a trickle, then ceased entirely.
1.1.2 //Well, that should do it…//
He turned around and took a step, and the next thing he knew, he found himself sucked into a sinkhole in the wreckage…
*******************************
All eyes turned to the shrieking figure that plummeted down from the ceiling, flailing its appendages around. It landed with a loud oof on a stray mattress, then rolled awkwardly onto the floor in front of them, coughing and gasping for breath.
"Hey, it's Reeve," Elena declared.
"Reeve?" Cloud gazed at them. "You know this guy?"
Reno clonked him on the head. "Duh! Don't tell me you don't know Reeve!"
Cloud rubbed his head, and then retaliated clonk for clonk. "Of course I know who Reeve is…He's the president of Neo-Shinra. But I don't know him personally."
"He's the @#!&*^$ operator of Cait Sith!" Cid yelled. "Can't you get it in your #@$&^* spiky head?!"
"Oh…" Cloud turned to the executive. "Hiya, Reeve!"
"You followed me?!" Rufus interjected. "I can't believe-"
"Oi, Reeve," Reno said. "You got some mud on your sleeve."
Cloud blinked with realization. "Hey! We're rhyming! Cool! This is fun! Um, how about…Hey, Reeve. Are ya gonna leave?"
Reno stared at Cloud. "Not a bad idea. Let me try…Yo, Reeve. Have you been to Kiev?" Both he and Cloud doubled up in laughter.
Nanaki rolled his eyes. "Sir Reeve, those rubble could you heave?" The trio chuckled some more.
"Come on, guys," Yuffie scolded. "This isn't funny. Hello, like, we're trapped here without any hope of escape. No food, no water, no nothing!"
"There's still some mushrooms left," Cloud spoke up.
"WHAT?!" Reeve interjected, his jaw dropped. "You mean…we're stuck down here?!" He knelt down and gazed up into the air. "Oh my Odin, if this is the punishment for whatever my crimes I have committed…I want a reprieve!"
Simultaneous bursting out in laughter from the rhyming trio.
"Could you just #$!^*& SHUT UP???!!!" Cid yelled.
"Don't worry, cat-man!" Reno consoled, patting Reeve on the back. "We won't mind if you stay. After all…the more, the merrier, like I always say!"
"RENO!!!"
Vincent, glancing up from his brooding to study the enclosed ceiling, stated after several moments of silence…
"I guess the grappling hooks won't be much use now…"
~END~ ^_^
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Whaddaya think? This fic kinda started out as a what-if between FalconIce and me. You know, it took me so long to patch up all the gaping plotholes in the story just so there was no possible way of escaping from the basement (Mwahahaha…ain't I evil?) But if ever there is a flaw in my story, then by the Powers of the Fanfic Author, I deem it utterly impossible for them to get out of there. Also, I'm sorry if anyone objects to my resurrection of Rufus. I just couldn't help it. His character is so unique and fun to write about. Yes, I know, the reason why he survived was lame, but hey, it could happen!
By the way, I actually researched about the mushrooms I have mentioned.
Kasa no Miko [email protected]
Shards of Dewprism www.geocities.com/shards_of_dewprism
FalconIce [email protected]
Forbidden Shrine www.geocities.com/twilight_wings