A/N: I've been reading New Neon's ZoSan fics lately and got the inspiration for this tasty morsel of a one-shot. I promise I'm still working on the next chapter to "The Plot Thickens," for those of you reading it, and I also plan to pick my other stories back up ASAP. I just couldn't resist this deliciously scandalous little plot bunny.

I hope Zoro isn't too OOC. Just thought it would be interesting to write from his perspective. I also love the idea of Zoro seducing Sanji on purpose by picking fights.

The One Piece characters are not mine, unfortunately. If they were, Usopp-kun would get mad glompings from me… Then I'd reluctantly hand him over to Nami (Yes; I'm one of *those* shippers).

Anyway, enjoy! Please review!

Edit: Changed a little bit of the story to address an issue that a reviewer pointed out - in my original version, Sanji was smoking, which he never does while cooking. Thank you, mysterious anon reviewer, for the reminder.

He's been waiting for me.

He'll never own up to it, but I can tell by the way his shoulders tense when I open the galley door. He knows who it is without looking.

"What do you want, Moss-For-Brains?" Sanji snaps, keeping his back turned.

He's chopping up fruit for lunch. I can't resist snagging a slice of kiwi from the edge of the cutting board.

"Oi!" He turns to scold me, slapping it out of my hand. "Don't touch food while it's being prepared, stupid Marimo… it is highly unsanitary."

I find the bit of green flesh on the floor by his feet. I don't bother hiding my grin as I pick it up and toss it in the air, catching it in my teeth.

"That. Is. Disgusting." The dart-brow is horrified.

I'm not the least bit worried about it. Sanji keeps his kitchen spotless. The crew could eat full meals from this floor if they wanted to.

"Five second rule," I explain, still smiling and licking my fingers. I'm on the verge of chuckling at the crazy blond's totally repulsed expression.

I can see I'm already starting to bug him. I find an opening to get some more annoyance mileage and go for it.

"You're one to talk about 'unsanitary,' and 'disgusting,' shitty cook," I say, poking the cigarette pack in his breast pocket with my index finger. "Smoking is a pretty nasty habit."

His curlicued brow rises with surprise, but he says nothing.

For good measure, I grab another stray piece of fruit on the work surface and chew it loudly just inches from his face.

He looks insulted, to say the least.

"Shut up, idiot swordsman… and stop ruining my food with your tainted hands!" he whines.

Sanji is pouting now. This, of course, is hilarious.

I step backward to escape a possible kick to the face when I start laughing. I take a seat on a bar stool so the counter is between us. If he does decide to attack, I need a little reaction time, at least.

"Just what the hell is so funny, you Neanderthal?"

"Oh, nothing," I reply when I catch my breath. "Just you… actin' like a little bitch boy." I continue to laugh and he scowls at me.

"I'll show you 'bitch boy,' you uncouth moron… we can take this outside whenever you want."

Oh, I've got him good and pissed off now. I love this part.

He stares flaming daggers at me because the insults aren't enough, but he doesn't want to abandon his post or trash the kitchen.

I laugh again in spite of myself. I really am a bastard for riling him up this way, but I get way too much entertainment out of it to stop myself.

Well, it's entertaining, but there's more to it than that.

Sanji wants me so badly that he can hardly stand it. I can see it all over his irate face.

I don't usually brag about stuff like that, but it's more a universal truth than a boast. Birds fly, fish swim, and Sanji seriously wants to jump my bones - not that I'm complaining.

It's become a game for me – a cruel game, but I don't feel guilty because he makes it too easy. He's scary as hell in a fight, but other than that, he is the most thin-skinned person I've ever met. I suspect that after enough of this, he'll crack and fess up.

I'm willing to wait. I've dealt with his incessant moaning about bullshit while he struts around in those form-fitting suits for quite a while already… what's a little longer?

Pissiness incarnate turns a cold shoulder to me and I find myself checking out his ass. I can't help it, really. It's a perfect ass. The gods created a work of fucking art when they made that ass. All the lower-body training probably doesn't hurt, either.

"Yo, ero Marimo… My eyes are up here!"

The damn Love Cook is looking over his shoulder at me now.

Shit! I've been caught. Gotta come up with a good cover…

"I wasn't lookin' at you, dumbass. I saw a roach on the floor over there."

"No, you did not!" the goofy blond shrieks. He leaps about 3 feet away from the work surface, scanning the ground for insects. Again, I laugh at his expense.

I'm a terrible person for abusing the poor guy so much. Maybe I can make amends once he's in my bed.

I don't have much time to consider that idea before the hot-headed bitch boy grabs me by the front of my shirt, pulling my face just a few inches from his.

"Get out of my kitchen, you stupid, moss-brained dickhead."

I can smell the smoke on his clothes. His chest rises and falls as he glares at me. It's all I can do to avoid closing the gap between us, pinning him to the counter and having my way with him right then and there. But I can't. I won't. All this careful planning and manipulation will not go to waste.

How does that ridiculous little piece of chef have the balls to say I'm stupid? I'll show him just how stupid I really am. He's going down this time - If I'm lucky, in more ways than one.

"Fine… I don't want your gross lunch anyway. That fruit tasted like crap." I start toward the door, knowing the dumb blond twirly-brow won't let me have the last word.

"Maybe if you'd stop eating from the floor like an animal, your dining experience would be more pleasant," Sanji huffs, turning back to his work.

I decide at this point to pull out all the stops and just be straight-up evil. I walk up behind him and suggest into his ear with the deepest, raspiest voice I can come up with, "Maybe acting like animals isn't always a bad thing."

I feel extremely satisfied with myself when he relaxes against me with a shaky sigh. He's been having more slip-ups like this lately. It really should not be turning me on as much as it is, but I keep my eyes on the prize - I can't back down now.

The moment is short. He snaps back into his usual stick-up-his-perfect-ass posture and shoves me away, hard.

"You heard me, damn it. OUT."

"As you wish," I answer with a snicker.

I back out of the door with my hands up in the gesture for "truce."

He offers only a prissy "Hmph" as a goodbye.

I wonder if he's caught on to what I'm doing. I really hope not, because I'm so close to getting results now.

I know…. Another ZoSan story with a cryptic ending. But I kind of like leaving some things open-ended and allowing the reader to imagine the rest. This does have the slight feel of a first chapter, so I may revisit this eventually, but for now, it shall remain a one-shot. Please review! KThnxBai.