This story is AU.
~*~o~*~
Somehow all the pain was gone. The physical pain of my gunshot wound had become nothingness. The blood seeping out of my body had been like tears seeping out of my soul. I knew I was dying. I embraced and accepted it. It was what I had wanted. When death came, my emotional agony would disappear as well. I had done the greatest deed possible. I had saved Marty's son.
Blair and Starr were weeping as they stood over my fallen body. Sam had called an ambulance as he held the phone in his trembling little hand. "Sam, I am right here. I am alright," I said as I placed my hand upon my nephew's slender shoulder.
He couldn't see me or feel my presense as the paramedics arrived and took my body away. I rode with my body in my ambulance, seeing a river of red pouring from my wound. I still thought I heard them crying- Blair, Starr, and precious little Sam, although they were no where in sight. I was loved. Despite all the evil things I had done in my past, someone still loved me.
"It doesn't look good," Dr. Kyle Lewis said after our arrival at the hospital. The medical staff was working on my body, trying to bring life back to it although it was already souless.
*It's a hopeless cause,* I thought to myself. *I gotta say good-bye.*
Blair and Starr were there... holding each other and crying. "Dad did this to save Cole. He stepped in front of that bullet, knowing it was going to pierce his chest. He saved the man I love. Dad can't die," Starr continued to sob.
"Shorty, I'm here," I said as I reached out to touch her hand. But she couldn't feel me... and she could not see me. I realized I must be some sort of freakish ghost. Where should I go? What should I do? I didn't want to go back into the empty shell that was now my body. It was broken and devoid of life. I was ready to accept the fate of death as payment for all my crimes. I had finally made it all up to Marty, hadn't I; for all those awful things I had done? She would finally know now how much I loved her...
Suddenly a bright white light appeared above my hospital bed. It shone so bright it stung at my eyes. "What the hell...?" I heard myself gasp.
Of course no one else in the room could hear me. The doctors and nurses still rushed around in an attempt to breathe life back into the broken body that lay upon the bed as my ex-wife and daughter were grieving. "Todd," I heard a woman's voice call out.
"Who is it? Who's there?" I called out as I saw just a hint of her beautiful face.
"You need to come with me," she said as she reached out to take my hand.
"Where are we going?" I asked as she lead me up a tall staircase which seemed to ascend into the clouds.
"We have a lot to talk about... you and I..."
"Wait a minute. I know who you are..." I said as I stopped in my tracks.
"You're- you're Luna. Marty's friend. You gave me my scar."
"That's right, I did," she said in her velvety voice. "It's okay, Todd."
"No, it's not okay. You hate me," I said as I tried to pull my hand away from hers.
"I've seen into your heart... and I don't hate you. Now come with me."
Hesitantly I followed her up the staircase until we had entered a room surrounded by mirrors. The carpet appeared to be made out of clouds as she lead me over to a mirror that had been framed in gold. "What's this?" I asked as I stared at my reflection.
"Look deeply, Todd. What do you see?"
I stared into the mirror as images started to appear. There was crazy Hannah, holding a gun on Starr and Cole. Starr was frightened and Cole was trying to protect her. Then I saw myself stepping in front of the gun to take the bullet. I had saved Cole. I had saved Marty's son.
The bullet ripped through my chest and I felt the pain again. I felt my heart being wounded upon impact. A tear rolled down my cheek for all I had sacrificed. Despite the pain, I knew it was something I had to do. Cole had his whole life ahead of him. He could be happy with Starr and with Hope, my precious little granddaughter. My life meant nothing next to Cole's. I would do it all over again if given the chance.
"I see myself dying. And I am happy," I told Luna. "I finally did something right. Maybe now, Marty won't hate me."
"Is that why you took the bullet for Marty's son?"
"I did it because I love her. And I love my daughter and Cole needs to live."
"You made a tremendous sacrifice."
"So what? I'm dead now. And everyone's happy. Just let me in to Heaven. I don't want to analyze this anymore."
"I'm afraid that's not possible," Luna stated. "I can't let you walk through Heaven's gate."
"Why not? I did a good deed."
"Yes, you did. But we can't forget your past misdeeds."
I let out a heavy sigh as I lightly traced a finger over my scar. "I'm going to hell, right?"
Luna shook her head as she reached out for my hand. "I don't believe you're entirely bad. You did save Marty's son. I saw into your heart, Todd. I know what you keep hidden there."
"What did you see?" I asked her.
"Look into the mirror," she urged me.
I saw images of Marty there. Marty and me. Our brief moments of happiness when we loved each other once upon a time. Once again a tear ran down my face, knowing those moments were forever gone.
"Please don't torture me with that," I said to Luna. "Anything but that."
"You still love her."
"I never stopped," I admitted. "Why do you think I took that bullet for her kid? I did it because I love her.. I hate how I hurt her... and I had to make it up to her somehow."
"You'd rather die before you've gained her forgiveness?"
"I don't deserve her forgiveness. I deserve only death. So now I am dead. Let me pass. Send me to hell or wherever it is I am going... but do not torture me with the past. I know I fucked it all up- don't throw it all back in my face."
"We are here now because you have a choice. You have a choice to redeem yourself because you made many mistakes but you're not entirely bad. You were shot saving Marty's son's life," Luna stated. "What if you could go back to your college days and try to save your relationship with Marty and stop the chain of events that lead to you becoming a raping monster? Would you do it, if you had the chance?"
"I would do it in a heartbeat... but it's just not possible."
"It's possible now. I can make it possible. The question is: Are you ready for it?" she asked.
"I- I don't know. I don't want to hurt her all over again. How can I stop myself... from- from hurting her?"
"If you truly love her, you'll find a way. But you'll also have to save Marty from herself in the process. You know what that means, don't you?"
"I think so," I responded, remembering Marty was wild in those days, always getting drunk and sleeping with numerous men. Would I be able to help her? I had a lot of issues of my own back then. Did I have the power to save the both of us?
"You can do this, Todd. You can save Marty... and in the process, you can save yourself," Luna said as she squeezed my hand.
"Wait!" I cried out. "What if we are doomed to make the same mistakes? I don't want to rape her all over again!"
"Maybe something unexpected will happen. Trust yourself, Todd. Trust and believe," Luna whispered. Then in the space of a heartbeat, all the mirrors and the carpet of clouds had disappeared. I had moved through time and space... and I had returned to my youth...
~*~o~*~
"Is Dad gonna die?" Starr asked Blair as she stood over her father's hospital bed.
Todd had slipped into a coma and the doctors didn't hold much hope for him. "I'm sorry, Starr," Blair said tearfully. "Things don't look so good for your dad."
Cole was there, showing his support for Starr. "I'm sorry, Starr. Your dad got shot because of me."
"It's not your fault, Cole. Crazy Hannah did this. It wasn't you."
"I just can't believe he stepped in front of me, taking the bullet so I could live. Why would he do that? Why would your dad sacrifice his life for mine?"
"He did it because he loves your mother... because Todd would do anything to redeem himself to her," Blair stated. "That's why he took those bullets in Ireland, too. He'd do anything for Marty."
Tears rushed from Blair's eyes, because once again she was reminded of Todd's undying love for the woman he had raped. He may have came back to Llanview and the children and to her, but she didn't have his heart. Marty always did. She turned away, because she didn't want to look at Todd's fallen body. As usual, Marty had taken him from her.
"I'm gonna call my mom," Cole said to Starr. "She deserves to know what happened... and that Todd is on his deathbed."
"No, Cole... please don't call her," Blair pleaded.
"Maybe she can help us bring Dad back," Starr spoke up. "If he loved her once... if he hears her voice, maybe he'll return."
"I- I guess it's worth a shot," Blair finally agreed.
"Anything's worth a shot.. because if Dad doesn't wake up soon, we're gonna lose him," worried Starr.
"We can't lose him. We can't lose Todd," Blair said as she remained right by his side.